can you tell me what you think about this please, it is quite short and I am very confused

[helenschristmas]

hello, I'm new here. I am trying to understand the following. I know that it seems minor but lots of similar things happen, on a daily basis, and this is just an example. I really need someone from outside our relation ship to tell me whether it is him or me.

I asked my partner to help clear some piles of garden rubbish that I had created. I said that I found it all a bit daunting as there was so much and asked him to help. Most was small stuff, one pile was big stuff which would not fit into the green bin. He said that this was disgraceful and appalling behaviour on my part. He said that he though this because he said that I was expecting him to deal with the stuff that wouldn't fit in the bin. This made me feel as if I was in the wrong but I can't work out if I am or not.

This happens all the time. I keep doing things which seem reasonable to me, or possibly minorly wrong, but which he describes as disgraceful, appalling, etc etc.

Are you sure he's not joking by using those words "disgraceful" etc? DH family have odd sense of humour.

If he's being serious, not joking or exaggerating, then he sounds like a real jerk.

It's perfectly normal to ask your partner to help you with something. The most my DH would do, if he thought I didn't really need the help, is maybe roll his eyes and say something jokey.

I would assume from this that you probably have some serious problems in your relationship? How long have you been together, do you have kids?

Ok, so you made the mess so it's not his responsibility to clear it up. But, in a relationship it's normal to ask each other for help.

If it happens a lot and he feels like he keeps having to clear up after you then maybe you should take that on board and try to sort things out as you go along instead of letting it become a big job.

But, if he didn't want to help he should say so nicely.

So, on balance, with the little you have said, I think he probably is being unreasonable in not expressing what he really means.

Can you give us another example?

he is serious (he got cross and then ignored me for ages). We have 3 children, been together 20 years. Other examples - I put the car key into the wrong place. He needed it in the morning (he had to get up early), found it in my pocket but then came in and woke me and our son (in bed with me) up so that he could tell me off about not having put it into the right place. Also if I am back late (say an hour later than he thinks I should be) he tells me off, won't accept "I was tired so it took ages to do the Asda shop" as an excuse as he would only take 20 mins etc.

I don't often ask him for help with things like this because he gets so cross when I do. It was just that I couldn't physically push the stuff into the bin hard enough to get it to fit, and it was so daunting that I just wanted someone to do a bit of it.

It was "daunting".

He "tells you off".

He "could do it in 20 mins."

He is eroding away your self esteem and confidence. He is making you feel shit. Bullying you and degrading you.

I lose things all the time. And I mean all the time. DP never moans when he has to help me look because thats what you do when you love someone. I help him when he needs it. Its a two way street.

This man is acting like your father or owner. Who is he to tell you off about anything?

Have a look at this page OP. I am sure there are a lot of things he does which arent quite right.

I think he is a dick who gets off on treating you badly and lording it over you in order to be able to feel (briefly) superior to you.

He is an inadequate person and husband.

What do you get out of staying with him?

Your instincts are right - this is not normal and not ok.

He is abusive. He probably always has been, because he is clearly demonstrating that he thinks women are inferior to men and that he is your owner, not your partner, so you must obey him or be punished.

Do have a look at the Women's Aid website. Even though you have put up with his behaviour for 20 years, you can still decide that you've had enough, and end the marriage. It's OK to do that.

No, from what you have said this definitely does not sound like you are doing anything wrong! You asked for help with a minor household task. You should be able to do that without it becoming a major issue.

In relation to the being late, you should be equal partners. Unless there is a specific reason for you to be back at a particular time, such as you knew he wanted to go out, then surely you should be free to come and go as you please?

Agree with the abusive verdict (sorry). Petty resentments are common and maybe inevitable in most long-term relationships, but he's taking it out on you in ridiculous ways.

yep another agreeing with all the above. He sounds very domineering.

i would not be happy with being spoken to like that at all. If thats how he is with you all the time, then id say it was verging on abusive territory.

What does he do or say that is loving and caring and supportive?

Those words are quite insulting and degrading. I would tell your DH how he makes you feel when he talks to you like that and see how he responds. Someone who loves you would be upset that they made you feel like that.

Disgraceful and appalling? Is he your fucking headmaster? Honestly if someone spoke to me like that I'd laugh in their face.

The only thing that's disgraceful and appalling is his behaviour. Watch it doesn't rub off on the kids

Yep, sorry, I agree with the others. This does sound like abusive behaviour. He is treating you as his inferior. What do you want to do about it?

If you've been together 20 years is this a new thing? If so he may be wanting out?

He's awful. You sound lovely though. It's a good job it isn't me who's his dp he'd have ended up in that bin!

It's never that simple though, is it? I know exactly how you feel, OP.

Absolutely abusive!

Did your father treat you like this or your mother? (doesn't have to be either/or).

The fact that you have put up with this till now doesn't mean you have to put up with it any longer.

I would recommend counselling for yourself.

Your DH sounds just like mine. Also married 20 years.

Like you, I hate to ask my DH for help as he will ask me why I can't do it on my own, or why I don't ask one of the DC's, or question whether it really needs to be done, or ask me why I am not stronger - say, if I have something heavy to move - or why I haven't done it during the week. He will never cheerfully help and will always shout at me for asking. Oh, and hell would freeze over before he would ever OFFER to help me do anything around the house even if it is clear I am struggling, or ill. I only ask him for help if I am desperate so maybe he thinks I can do everything easily. TBF he is prepared for me to pay someone else to help me but that is not possible in all circumstances eg when I need to move a table to get ready for guests, or pick up a DC when I also need to be putting on the supper or when I simply have too much to be done by one person in that particular hour, say. Last week, we threw a big party and the guests didn't leave until 1am. I knew that I would not have the time/energy to do all the clearing up and put the bins out on my own between 1am and 7am so I asked him to help me collect the empties and put them out before we went to bed (knowing that I would be up at 6.45 for the other bins whereas he could sleep in as late as he wanted) and he kicked up an enormous stink. I told him today it was "normal" to help one's DP occasionally but honestly I have lost track of whether I am unreasonable or not. So it's reassuring to read your post and see what others say. I would love to feel part of a joint effort.

Other examples today: why did I spend so much on the grocery shopping (he could see exactly what was in the shop and it was the Xmas lunch which is admittedly expensive but we can easily afford it), why did I want to buy presents for the DC coming for XMAS lunch tomorrow, why did I wake him up on Saturday morning (it was 20 minutes before the training session he wanted to attend), why did DD and I need his help to shift a large potted tree up a step and round a corner when it was easy (it may have been for HIM but DD and I are both a foot smaller than him and about half his weight).

Anyway, just wanted to say you are not alone and I am watching this thread with interest

He also sounds terribly pompous.

Houseelfdobby, you are worth so much more than that! It is not unreasonable to expect your partner to help out. Its not normal to be walking on eggshells like you are.

Please look at the womens aid website. Twenty years together is a long long time, but it doesnt mean you cant break free. Im sure you have many more than twenty years left, do you really want to waste them on such a brute?

You are worth so much more than the life you have!

I'm horrified by these stories. OP and Houseelf - give yourselves the best Christmas present of them all. Freedom.

I'm a lone parent. If I need help I ask a friend, neighbour or pay someone. They respond kindly and don't ask why I can't do something on my own.

Sweet baby Jesus. How did they have children? Oh yes they needed help.

A couple should be a team, an equal partnership. You are not a punchbag.

It's not you. It's totally normal to ask your partner to help you with things.

It's not disgraceful to do some gardening and create mess from that work.

If you were my partner, I would be more than happy to to it and I would be pleased that you had done some work in the garden. Improving on the quality of our lives and looking after our home. I'd be running your bath for you.

Asking for help is 100% normal.

If we aren't allowed to ask each other for help, then it seems to defeat the object of being married (mutual help and support).

The only proviso is if there is any history of "silent treatment" or acting out when a partner declines to help (and the acceptability of politely declining has to be at the foundation of a healthy relationship as much as the acceptability of asking for help). If that is the case, that partner may learn to view being asked for help as the beginning of an act of coercion in which case they may no longer take kindly to it.

This mess "you had created." I take it it was garden rubbish - that'll be the garden of the house you and he share? So, you undertook a household chore (that in many households he might have had to do), yet he had a go at you about it?

Arse (him). Tell him he he can do the f*ing gardening next time.