Terrible guilt after escape from bad marriage; please tell me it will pass

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Separated recently after 15 years together, 13 married, dd 12 and 10.

After an awful year (four property transactions, none straightforward, months under the same roof after deciding to separate, recession-linked money worries blah blah) dh and I are now living in our own houses bought from proceeds of fh.

I am so, so much happier since we separated. I've reclaimed my relationship with my kids after years of feeling marginalised thanks to his micro-management of their lives and a demanding Uni course I am doing. They seem happier without tension at home. My elder one has been really loving and cuddly lately.

I have a lovely house that is completely 'me' - big, old and rambling - and I've put my heart and soul into making it beautiful.

I've got some cash to get me through until I qualify as a doctor in 2014 and until I start earning decent money which will be a few years later (despite what the Daily Mail says, doctors earn relatively shit money, I've met top cardiac surgeons who are on less than 90K after 18 years of training, compare that with wankers bankers). It's going to be tight, but I can do it.

But I feel so, so guilty about dh and it's killing me and ruining my new life.

He's bought a nasty little modern house and I feel awful about it (though I've gifted him our second home - it's a dream cottage - and we've divided our assets in a normal way).

His business is suffering really badly in the recession and professionally his future is very uncertain.

I'm not exactly a spring chicken (41) but he's 14 years older and I feel awful leaving him high and dry at this stage in his life.

Our kids are going to be with him every other w/end and 2 nights during the week, so close to 50:50 but I still feel really awful about it, that they won't always be there for him.

FWIW he was a classic EA. I realised this after coming on MN, in my misery. I stuck it out for years.

I'm feeling terrible because I haven't had a single Xmas card from his big family. They think I'm the villain and I am so not. I'm doing Christmas at my house and my parents/brother are coming and I've invited dh too, so he doesn't miss Xmas day with the girls. My family have been lovely to him.

As I said I feel so so much happier. It would be great if it weren't for the guilt. Please someone who's been here tell me it's going to get better :(

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange I went to the two top unis in the country and lived with medic students.

Still hang out with a few surgeons. They work similar, if more predictable, hours to my city friends.

I'd say both sets have a pretty tough time. And both sets have more responsibilities, and in many cases stress, post-qualification.

We have different perspectives.

Yours isn't wrong, but neither is mine.

Ginger, I'm not arguing that being a medical student is more stressful than being a surgeon, or doing some hideously long hours job in the City.

Pretty extreme examples for you to choose, since there are very few women in these roles, let alone mothers.

We have different perspectives. Yours isn't wrong, but neither is mine.

Your 'perspective' was this:

He has enough to worry about without a student (who, even in medicine, will likely have a lot more free time/less stress

Er, this is wrong, actually. I know more about my life and family than you do. My husband is neither a surgeon nor a city high flyer and he has more spare time, much more, than I do, and he gets more holiday than me (I will get 4 days off between the beginning of January and the middle of August). My 'perspective' about this is informed, while yours is not.

I didn't like the way you were so dismissive about students. Lot of students work hard and student parents have extra challenges, don't they?

...espec. as there is an au pair to look after the kids)

Well my au pair helps in the house, and spends some time with my children and occasionally babysits in the evening, but she doesn't parent them, I do. And obviously I've just split up with their dad so it's a bit more demanding emotionally and practically than it usually is as well. The au pair doesn't shop for food for them and organise menus for the week, she doesn't drive them anywhere, she doesn't deal with the letters home from school, she doesn't give them advice about life, she doesn't buy them presents or presents for their friends, she doesn't make them Halloween or school play outfits, take them to piano lessons and orchestra, she doesn't take them to the dentist or to buy new shoes, she doesn't organise their social lives, she doesn't watch their netball matches. They don't want her when they are off school sick and they don't compete for her attention as they do for mine.

What point are you trying to make with your posts? Not sure why I'm wasting my time trying to justify myself to a stranger who thinks (s)he knows more about life than I do anyway. Because I think it's a bit mean, I suppose.

thatsnotmyname thanks for what you said. It's lovely to hear about your sister and very encouraging :)

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange I originally posted on this thread to say I understood the guilt feeling as I thought you needed some sympathy.

We've got way off-topic though (I've only just discovered the 'I'm on' feature and have clearly been over-using!).

I'll leave your thread now with best wishes for the future.

As it happens I'm a soon-to-be mother in an 'extreme' role. As you said there aren't many of us around, and now I've fallen into the stereo type of being harder on each other than the guys.

Take care.

I am one year post-leaving a similar situation. ExH has basically employed staff to sort out his decorating / paperwork - ie everything I used to do. He is living in the FH while I'm in a tiny flat. He hasn't paid me a penny maintenance and we are no where near divorcing.

He's had several girlfriends but I STILL feel guilty!

The fact is, you feel guilty because YOU ARE A NICE PERSON. He didn't feel guilty through all those days he was blanking you / angry with you. Because he ISN'T nice.

He will sort his house out soon enough (or pay someone to).

He's drilled the guilt into you over the years. It will fade but probably not disappear for a while.

But it will be ok and you have WON. Well done. X

Hi tired, just wanted to say that I too have been reading some of your threads over the weeks and also admire your courage, resourcefulness and determination. Your posts are always articulate, thoughtful and intelligent.

I'm not sure I can give much advice on the guilt issue, if only to say that if you live your life day by day you might find that it slowly gets better. I too second cogito when she said that it may help if you are more open about your ex's behaviour with people who think he is god's gift... I too don't think this would be "slagging him off" - it doesn't have to be done when your children are around either. Do your children talk about his emotionally abusive behaviour towards you or were they too young to understand?

I suppose that you have felt responsible for your exh for so long that it is very difficult to "unlearn" this habit. I think you should be patient with yourself, you have already achieved a lot but it may be that there is more emotional work that will take place over the next months. Do you have the time / possibility to go to counselling, or are you already doing this? Maybe this would help with some of the issues / feeling that you mention?

I too have a "non" relationship with my husband. However, unlike you I don't seem to have the courage to do anything about it. We went to counselling this year but h decided he didn't want to go anymore when it got too heated / painful. I cannot talk about anything with h other than the very mundane, as any issues which he finds awkward he just shouts about / uses sarcasm to deflect. We sleep in separate rooms and communicate little. I daydream about separating but at the same time am absolutely terrified of what life would be like away from our dc half the time. I am a SAHM which does not help my confidence levels but my New Year's Resolution will be to try and find work as a Teaching Assistant.

Your comment about your h showering your dc with affection but not you rang some painful bells as it is the same here. We now both focus all our love on the children but it feels like I am dead or good for nothing. I am 43 - almost 44 gulp! (h is 56 so similar age difference as you and your h) and feel as if my romantic / sexual life is over and I am old old old . You end up aching for affection but at the same time the ache has become the norm. Added to which I find some of h's behaviour / ideas so annoying / bullish that that in itself alienates me.

Anyway, sorry for the rant but I am in admiration of your bravery and wish you all the best.

Being a SAHM would be fine if h and I got on better but given our relationship, just makes me feel vulnerable...

tired your situation rings so many bells for me. Out of interest, how supportive was H when you said you wanted to retrain?

feelok your marriage sounds really miserable and your husband sounds like he's not bothered about making it better :( I am really sorry.

I know what you mean about feeling old. Living with a partner who you are no longer having a sexual relationship with can destroy your self esteem. I feel younger, if you like, now I am not with my husband. It's too early to start thinking about romantic possibilities though. I'm honestly not interested at all and am just enjoying my own company and my own space. That might change I suppose.

I'm 41 and feel as if I have suddenly aged a few years at once... it's amazing what a turning point 40 was, I feel like everything is going to pot (while my dd1 is now 12 and turning into a beauty). But I'm actually not that bothered any more about how I look. I don't mean I'm letting myself go but I don't think about it as much as I used to. I don't mind. I don't think 41 is old now. Living with an older partner ages you somehow.

I hope things improve for you. If they don't you have to make a decision. How do you feel about the thought of the kids leaving home and it just being the two of you again? I hated the thought of that and it was one of the things that made me leave.

MrsMorton he was supportive. It was obvious that I was bored and depressed at home. I think also it has suited him because it has meant that he got time to himself with the children - he would take them away when I had exams coming up etc. I never got this in return though - he always wanted to do everything en famille and if I even took them shopping for a couple of hours he'd be jealous and I'd feel guilty.

I think he's glad I'm doing my course now because he knows I will be able to support myself and contribute to things like putting the children through university etc.

Other people have said he's told them how much he admires me for doing my course, but he's never said anything like that to me.

Ginger thanks and good luck with your baby. :)