I never thought this would be my post

[myspinninghead]

Ive nc for this.

Please help me make sense of my crazy life and give me some advice about my marriage and whether its possible to save/worth saving.

Sorry it's long but I don't want to drip feed.

Been together 7 yrs, married 4. Dd aged 2.5.

Dh is solid, dependable, kind and good with dd, all round good bloke. When we got together I was on the back of some pretty shut relationships and liked the stability he gave me and the fact I knew he'd never hurt me. I am the better looking one in the marriage, I am the more dynamic, I knew he would always love me more, need me more and that made me feel really secure.

I had a bit of a wobble before marrying dh but I thought it was just the usual stuff - last minute jitters.

First 2 years were great, dd arrived after 1 yr of marriage which we were delighted with and then started ttc #2 after 2 yrs of marriage. The last 2 yrs of our marriage have been awful. Miscarriages, then being told we won't have another baby naturally, then me having some minor mental health issues, then dh having some physical health issues, then dh having medication which turned him into a monster, then dh physically assaulting me, me leaving for a few days, me coming back.

Then I met someone else.

Well we met a while before but I didn't let anything happen. I am now on the brink of an affair with this man.we worked together and I found a new job as I thought it was too much to see him all the time as the chemistry was obvious. However since I left my job We have met twice and talked, kissed. We are both pretty unhappy. It's such a fucking cliche.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of the situation. I don't think I want to be with my husband but I don't want to break my dd's world. Plus I don't want this OM to break my heart.

I know. I have been foolish by allowing myself to get even slightly involved with someone else.

Please give me some honest advice.

Thanks

you poor thing. You have had a really rough time.
You know what to do, really, don't you?

1. step away from the other man. He's not the answer.Well done in leaving the job.
2. spend some time thinking long and hard about whether your marriage is salvageable. I'm not sure I could get back from a physical assault .

good luck

I know - youre right. He's not the answer. I could kick myself for being in such a cliche situation.

I want to love my dh, really I do but since the 'incident' as we call it, I just don't feel the same. He says that because I've forgive him I nee to stop bringing it up, but I can't forget it. I don't look at him in the same way anymore.

My honest gut feeling is that I want out of my marriage

I am scared of being lonely
I hate that I will leave dd in a broken home without daddy who she adores

But I know that dh is not right for me.

The one thing I always thought was that he would be safe and treat me well.

Since the 'incident' he has been the model husband, but I just don't feel the same about him anymore.

For me, personally, I'd rid the other man. He is an escape for you at the moment. Not the answer.

You sound like you have issues you need to deal with before making any drastic decisions.

7 years is not a huge amount of time to be with someone, but it can be a time where a relationship can go stale.

It's also very common for relationships to have blips when there's young children involved. Particularly with a first child, as its such a huge change to your life that you can't prepare for.

Talk to your dh. Figure out what's wrong and see if you can both work at making it right.

If nothing else, your child needs to know that at the very least, you and dad tried to make things work when things went wrong.

Rather than jumping ship when the going gets tough.

Marriage can be hard at times. It's a life long relationship which occasionally needs a service.

He doesn't sound very remorseful. You were assaulted. By him. Why the hell shouldn't you mention it?

I know - I still feel shaken by it but he says that because I have forgiven I shouldn't mention it and should just get on with trying to make things better.

But honestly - they're not. my skin crawls when he touches me and I just close my eyes and grit my teeth during sex. I have been wondering if this is just a phase which will pass.

I think I would get rid of the OM, no contact at all. I would give my marriage everything I had. Really try. Let DH know how you are feeling. it is as much up to him as it is you to try and get things back to when you was happy.

I think if after a reasonable amount of time, i was still unhappy and nothing had changed and i still did not feel the right way about him then i would end it.

At least then you can honestly say that you did everything you could to save your marriage, to keep DD with her daddy. You can not do any more then that.

of course what he did will change the dynamics of the relationship, but it is if you can/ want to over come it.

It is really not fair to keep the OM on the scene, as it will be too much temptation, and a very small step to see if the grass is greener.

all in all 3forme has it spot on!

perhaps it was just too big to over come.

sometimes people do things that put them in a total new light, good or bad and you cant forget!

good luck in what ever you do op

I don't much care for model husbands. Or picture perfect ones, as I've heard them called. Because it suggests an element of acting, and an emphasis on how things look, rather than how they are.

Model husbands can sometimes turn into abusers. I doubt very much that this physical assault was a single, standalone event. Chances are other things are going on that you haven't mentioned.

It's particularly worrying that he's basically telling you to get over it. But that's not untypical with abuse.

With regard to separation, I think the fears you mention are very normal.

I can only say a couple of things with regard to your DD. First, a child of that age is so young, they haven't got used to the world yet. Everything is new, every day. And everything that happens is just life. Not disruption. She is too small to really know what that is.

Secondly, and this will sound hard, but if her dad actually died tomorrow she would survive it: she would have no choice. Tragedies happen sometimes, and children grow up healthy and happy nonetheless. A separation would be a lot less tragic and final than that. Maybe it helps to see it in that light, I don't know?

Talking from experience I would sort out one mess before starting another.

If dh isn't right for you, then move on. Sort youself and dd out, have some space and then and only then find someone else.

Introducing another man into the equation only leads to heartache and unneeded complexity/pain for all involved.

Good luck.

Poor you. I am so sorry, what a horrible situation to be in, and how sad to be posting this just before Christmas when there is all this pressure to be happy and jolly in the family etc.

I couldn't get over a physical assault and I don't think I'd want to, whatever the circumstances.

Reading between the lines of what you've said, I think your marriage will end sooner or later. Someone has mentioned the 'wobble' you describe before your wedding as being significant. More significant is the way you have sized things up. By this I mean the way that you are able to rationally analyse that you are 'more attractive, more dynamic' than your dh, and recognise that you chose him because his relative 'inferiority' to you meant he would be on the back foot in the relationship and would be grateful to be with you, unlike the twats who had undervalued you before.

I get all this, because my marriage and the dynamic was similar.

But you don't do this, look at things rationally, assess relative worth/attributes if you are really in love with someone. If you fall in love with someone it doesn't matter if they are bald or fat or didn't go to Uni, or are less articulate than you, or less go-getting. You only look at things coldly like that - as if you are an outsider assessing the situation - if you are not engaged with it.

Why do you think your husband hit you? It sounds like medication may have been a factor, but do you think there was some latent hostility? Do you think he knows you think he is inferior to you, and it hurts? Was it a way to put you in your place?

Men aren't always great at coping with being with someone who is 'better' than them in any way, unless they are really secure (and how many of us are really secure in ourselves?)

It would be interesting to know what your OM is like. Is he better looking, more dynamic than dh? Do you feel he is more your equal?

These things are compelling and important. Fwiw I fell in love with an OM who I thought was everything my husband was not. He was tall, handsome, lusted-after, a bit of an icon in our small town. He had a prestigious job.

But he was weak and stupid really and trashed me emotionally. It's a long story I won't go into as it would be a hijack and very boring anyway, but I realised too late that he was none of the things I thought he was.

No answers here, really. But if the OM is attractive to you because 'on paper' he is more your equal than dh, beware. That isn't love, it's just liking the reflection of yourself that you see in him. If you think in terms of who has greater personal 'worth' you are insecure anyway; none of this stuff is real or matters in a real, good relationship. I'm not putting you down here, I am insecure like this.

Most people who have an affair have one with someone who is the opposite of their partner. Is that your OM?

a child of that age is so young, they haven't got used to the world yet. Everything is new, every day. And everything that happens is just life. Not disruption. She is too small to really know what that is

Oh, and these are wise words. I realise now I've separated how very, very little my children would have been damaged if I'd done it sooner. They are 10 and 12 and coping well, but oh, to have done it when they were small...

Society is shittier in its view of people who split when children are small. That they didn't 'try hard enough'. But every year younger they are, it's easier for the children, so fuck what society thinks.

I can't imagine staying with a man who'd assaulted me, but you said this:

"then dh having medication which turned him into a monster, then dh physically assaulting me"

are the two things linked?

A woman friend of mine has two entirely different conditions and the medication for the more recently diagnosed problem totally conflicted with the drugs taken for the first. This led to uncharacteristic psychotic outbursts and violence, which was bewildering and terrifying to witness in such a gentle person. She assaulted her husband and children several times before her HPs got her medication under control, but thankfully her husband stuck by her and realised it was the medication causing the violence and not her personally.

Not that this makes any great difference to what else you say about your marriage and feelings for your husband, but I do know that when you're having an affair, it can cause you to exaggerate doubts about your relationship and magnify past wrongdoings. So I think it's important to step back and ask yourself honestly whether you were as unhappy in your marriage before you started seeing this other man in a new light (even at the 'just friends' stage) as you claim to be now.

If you can honestly say that this marriage was a non-starter right from the off and that you never should have married, then leave. It's never going to get any better and especially not now you've started an affair.

And you have started an affair. You're not 'on the brink' - you're already there. It's already physical because you've kissed and it has been an emotional affair for a good while. The 'brink' moment passed a long time ago.

You say you're 'both unhappy' which implies he's married or in a relationship too; probably I'd guess with children. It's exceptionally rare for two people to be in an affair and experiencing the same levels of relationship dissatisfaction, so some of his 'unhappiness' might be just mirroring of yours, to give himself an excuse for getting involved with you.

If you're a decent sort of person, while you might not feel huge guilt about deceiving and secretly punishing a husband who's hurt you, the other man's wife and family have done you no wrong. Visiting pain on innocent people is displacement and there's never an excuse. The dignified solution to unhappiness is to attempt remedy or exit - not have a secret affair which solves nothing, causes terrible fall-out and pain on all sides and immediately puts you in the wrong.

So please step away from the affair. Once it's over and you've deleted all contacts, try to look at your marriage objectively.

Thank you so much for all the kind and non judgemental posts. Obviously I have told no one in RL about my affair. Is it even an affair when you've only secretly met twice and there's been no sex?

twofaced your comment about it being "too big" to get over really resonated with me. I have told my dmum about the violent incident and she has been very supportive (of both of us) and did say a similar thing to me that maybe its just too much for me to forgive, and that's ok if I feel like that.

ladywordy it's an interesting potent about model husbands. I think I do wonder now whether he is being himself or acting all 'perfect' just to try and fix things.

tiredofwaiting I found your post really interesting. Thanks. And oddly when you said "what is OM like?" the first thing I thought was, "I don't know, he's just him", I haven't rationalised him. Maybe thats because of the sitaution rather than how i feel about him though. In thinking about it I will try. He is different looking to dh, maybe better looking, but he is short and dh is lovely and tall. OM has an awful dress sense, dh dresses really well (after 7 yrs together! Haha!) the physical effects OM had on me (before i discoved it was mutual) were crazy. I just really fancied him, being in the same room made my skin tremble and made me feel so alive. I have had that with other man before dh but never with dh. OM is 3 yrs older than dh, 6 yrs older than me. He is more career driven. I think the thing I am attracted to most is that he is a deep thinker, whereas dh is a bit.... One dimensional. What you see is what you get, we don't have many really good conversations, he's not deep and he doesn't intellectually challenge me whereas OM does. Dh is rational.i am emotional. OM is both (i think).This is not a function of being with dh for 7 yrs, he's never been like that. But I'd had my share of roller coaster relationships and (rightly or wrongly) picked him knowing full well that he was pretty basic.

scapegoat since the violence dh has moved to a different medication and been much better. Well completely better in that there's been no violence. I don't believe he is a violent man. I think he just had a blip. And when it all happened (before I'd become involved with OM) part of me was grateful I had a 'legitimate' reason to end the relationship, and the other part of me was desperate to help dh and desperate to keep my family together.

I agree with everyone saying the OM is a complication. Plus as familyscapegoat says, his wife and kids have done no wrong to me and I feel like a fucking cow for spending the day having a jolly old time with her husband while she was probably racing round doing all the Christmas shopping, getting everything ready for a nice family time with no idea her dh has pulled a sickly to spend the day getting cosy with another woman. That doesn't sit well with me at all, and actually makes me dislike him for being able to do that. He thinks he is falling in love with me and tells me he's never felt like this before, blah blah, completely besotted. I am a regular lurker on here and basically after our first meeting told him to go and give his marriage a real go. Thy have young kids too and we all know that can be a passion killer.

Anyway, I am rambling.

I want to end this 'affair'. Well, I don't but I know I have to. It's wrong and people will get hurt.

So how? He is at work tomorrow so will probably call me. I just want to tell him on the phone as if I do it face to face I don't trust myself to go through with it. Usually phone would be a cop out I know but in this instance its ok I think?

Thank you for all the advice. I reall appreciate it

Excuse the typos - damn iPad autocorrect!

I wouldn't bother with the other man. He's just a distraction. Concentrate on your marriage, either staying with it or leaving. And homes without daddy aren't broken. They can be lovely warm caring places.

Give it a bit of time. All relationships go through good phases and bad phases, you might come out of this one.
Tiredofwaiting, I loved your post, you have real insight.

Hi, you've had some really good advice on here so I don't have much more to add. You have my sympathies. I knew someone like you (and don't worry I know it's not you). I can totally understand making decisions for safety. My comment is more about your fear of being alone. I wonder if that's worth exploring. I was married for several years to someone I first got together with when I was 18. We'd lived far apart before we married and I moved into his life when we finally settled. At the thought of leaving him I was desperately afraid of being alone and it certainly motivated me to try and work the relationship out, but the relationship wasn't salvageable, and many years on I am not lonely and feel stronger. I hope you find that strength.

I see a friend, grinding year after year in a marriage that is far more damaged than yours and is even at the age of 6 producing a child of such rage and anger that it is enough to make a stone weep. Hard station for all, not sure what the answer is.

I don't think there's any need to observe social niceties in trying to end an affair. Having an affair isn't observing social niceties anyway. (Albeit I accept nothing physical has happened yet).

If the violence seems to be tied to his medication, I'm at a loss to know why he wants to shut the conversation down. He should be glad that the likelihood of a repeat offence is low, but it doesn't change the fact that he assaulted you. Even if you can rationalise that it was the medication (which, frankly, I don't think you believe) it still happened. If you had been mugged in the street you would have no way of knowing if your attacker was on medication which means that he was unlikely to reoffend. You would still have to process the effects of what happened.

You've had an awful couple of years overall. If you can't speak freely about all the awfulness that probably calls time on your marriage more than the bad things themselves. I would make this point to your DH.

I think some posters are getting distracted by the poster who's hijacking the thread with his own axe to grind, against women. Search for his posts to see where he's coming from - he's not here to help this OP, that's for sure - and is best ignored in my view.

OP you said: "Is it even an affair when you've only secretly met twice and there's been no sex?"

Think back to when things were good with your husband. How would you have felt if he'd been having an emotional affair with another woman and then met her twice, taking days off work - to kiss her and spend time with her. You'd think it was an affair wouldn't you?

You're right to dislike him for doing this to his wife, but he's also lying to his employer throwing sickies. His ethics and morals are pretty low, aren't they?

Ending it on the phone is fine and as you don't have to see him at work, delete all his contact info. Do tell him to respect your decision and not contact you. Don't leave any doors open to him pursuing this, as your resistance is obviously low.

He probably comes across as a 'deep thinker' because he's hanging on your every word and making profound statements. I'd love you to see him with his wife right now - giving her short, snappy answers and disengaging from all the christmas preparations. She's probably wondering what alien has invaded her home and has occupied her husband's skin. Why he's so distant and joyless while at home.

Whoops forget the first paragraph about the male poster!! Wrong thread, similar situation!! The rest still stands.

You never fancied your husband. You shouldn't have married him. You may love him in a non-sexual way, but you're never going to have the deep connection that comes from being with someone you actually desire.

Definitely get rid of your husband. Because a man who will repeatedly stick his dick in a woman who is lying there gritting her teeth and longing for it to be over is not a good man and not a good husband, however much he may pose as oone.