I never thought this would be my post

[myspinninghead]

Ive nc for this.

Please help me make sense of my crazy life and give me some advice about my marriage and whether its possible to save/worth saving.

Sorry it's long but I don't want to drip feed.

Been together 7 yrs, married 4. Dd aged 2.5.

Dh is solid, dependable, kind and good with dd, all round good bloke. When we got together I was on the back of some pretty shut relationships and liked the stability he gave me and the fact I knew he'd never hurt me. I am the better looking one in the marriage, I am the more dynamic, I knew he would always love me more, need me more and that made me feel really secure.

I had a bit of a wobble before marrying dh but I thought it was just the usual stuff - last minute jitters.

First 2 years were great, dd arrived after 1 yr of marriage which we were delighted with and then started ttc #2 after 2 yrs of marriage. The last 2 yrs of our marriage have been awful. Miscarriages, then being told we won't have another baby naturally, then me having some minor mental health issues, then dh having some physical health issues, then dh having medication which turned him into a monster, then dh physically assaulting me, me leaving for a few days, me coming back.

Then I met someone else.

Well we met a while before but I didn't let anything happen. I am now on the brink of an affair with this man.we worked together and I found a new job as I thought it was too much to see him all the time as the chemistry was obvious. However since I left my job We have met twice and talked, kissed. We are both pretty unhappy. It's such a fucking cliche.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of the situation. I don't think I want to be with my husband but I don't want to break my dd's world. Plus I don't want this OM to break my heart.

I know. I have been foolish by allowing myself to get even slightly involved with someone else.

Please give me some honest advice.

Thanks

i think a phone call is ok in this case. i would be totally honest with him. that you need to see if you and your family can get through this. if you can find away to get back to when you was happy. He will step back and leave you alone if he is decent.

Of course it is ok for what he did to be too big for you to get over. it will totally change how you see him and alter the respect you have/had for him, which of course will change your relationship as the foundations are not the same as before!

regarding if you are having an affair. I would say you was, if my DH was doing what you are doing I would call it an affair.

I hope you manage to work it out. either manage to sort your marriage out, or decided that it is not what you want. i hope you hav ethe courage to do what ever your head and heart tell you is best.

SolidGold, it is not her DH that has had a physical affair. In fact, no one has had a physical affair yet.

op, I think you have two problems.
One, yes, you have decided to end it with the OM.

But also it is about your relationship with your DH.
A turning point in your relationship seems to be when your DH having the medication.
Right up to that point, how was your relationship then?
Had it altered because you had minor mental issues?
Was it changing when you had a miscarriage?

I didn't say anything about an affair: this is how the OP describes sex with her husband.

"my skin crawls when he touches me and I just close my eyes and grit my teeth during sex. I have been wondering if this is just a phase which will pass."

So her husband is having sex on her despite the fact that she's obviously not enjoying it at all. That makes him borderline abusive.

Sorry SolidGold, no you didnt say he was having an affair.

op, does your DH know how you are feeling in the bedroom?

My phone is playing up so I am not sure if you have written about this or not, but is it worth going to relate or somewhere similar?

I agree with other posters that you need to ditch the OM and that you should at least try and work on your marriage.

solidgold - no, he has no idea I'm not enjoying it. We do it with the lights on and I pretend I am. I suppose I just thought if I carried on like things were normal then they would go back to normal.

I don't really know how to talk about where it started to go wrong :(

Lights off I mean!

Why are you faking enjoying sex? You don't owe it to him to enjoy it, you know...

Especially not after he hit you. How horrible for you :(

You say you have forgiven him about "the incident", but not forgotten it.
I dont think you could be expected to forget it.
You say you cannot look at him in the say way as before. Are you able to explain that a bit more please?

Well, stop shagging DH for a start. Ugh. No wonder you crave decent sex, and that would be with someone else, wouldn't it. I wouldn't tho. Make an excuse and have no sex for 3 months.

Can you go into the circs of the 'incident'? Are you secretly worried he's going to do it again? Do you feel the marriage is over because he's broken his marriage condition of being a safe bet?

Thanks for all the responses and sorry for the delay - Christmas kinda got in the way...

So why am I faking enjoying sex? Well I am faking the whole thing I guess. I don't know why (and now I type it it sounds silly) but I just thought if I pretended everything was ok then it would be...

With regards to feeling different since the incident - I can't explain really - I used to think dh would never hurt me. And now he has. I just don't feel the same when I look at him. He touches me and my skin crawls. Had a great chat with dmum today who reassured me (in the way only a good mum can) that she will be there for me no matter what. She suggested relate.(she doesn't know about OM but she knows everything else.)

I tried to call OM off. Met him for a drink. He told me he's falling in love with me. I told him he has a wife and needs to sort that out first. An if we both end up single at the same time then he can take me for dinner.

I have no inclination to TRY anymore with h though. I know I should but honestly - I just cannot be bothered :(

you cant help feeling like that OP, some times something can happen that is just too big and changes how you feel about someone.

I would think that the DH before the incident is a totally different person then the one after the incident, because you can now see him in a different light.

you now need to sort you and your DD out, make sure you get good advise!

This is all quite sad.
I am wondering whether a short break together would help in any way.

Maybe - I have thought that a break could help us. But it's just starting that conversation isn't it? I think in the new year we will have to talk pretty openly about it all. He must realise something is wrong too.

I feel really sad about it all :(

i hope it all goes well for you OP.