Can anyone who is a bit of a control freak/has OCD tendancies help me to get some insight into my SIL

[Muffinpig]

My SIL (and family) is staying over Christmas and I've always found her really hard to deal with as although she is perfectly nice and friendly, she just does her own thing the whole time and doesn't join in with what the rest of the family is doing. She seems to have very fixed ideas of what she wants to do and when and seems to find it difficult to compromise/fit in with what everyone else is doing.

For example, we might all discuss the day before going for a walk at a certain time the next day (to fit around kids) and when it gets to that time she doesn't come because she is in the middle of some other task that she refuses to stop until she's finished. Or on Christmas day when we're all enjoying a champagne brunch she doesn't join in because she's folding up wrapping paper or something in another room.

I don't think she's deliberately avoiding us (we all get on well, no major issues ever) or being rude, I think she just finds it very difficult to "fit in" with people around her and the importance of whatever task she is doing just overwhelms everything else to her.

I would really like to be able to understand her a bit better and to imnprove our relatiobship. So I was wondering if anyone else is like this and can explain what drives them/why they find it hard to accomodate other people's plans?

I don't understand my SIL either. I think you have to stop trying to understand really, because all people are different. What does your DH think?

Some people don't respond well to attempts to organise them. I've been on holidays/weekends with others before and find myself feeling annoyed and rebellious if schedules get a little over-strict, I feel pressured into 'doing something' & there's not enough down-time to kick back, relax, read a book etc. You don't sound particularly controlling but if she enjoys her own space, maybe see if she'd like to set the agenda/timing rather than expecting her to drop everything or join in?

She is her own person. Why does everyone have to do the same thing at the same time. I've been on holiday with inlaws and someone decides we all have to do the same, thing, go to the same place, have the same itinerary all day every day.

I'm an introvert so I need my own space and quiet especially if I'm staying in someone elses's house with a lot of people that I am not as comfortable with as my own family.

That doesn't mean I don't join in I do but sometimes I need to have a walk on my own or do something with my DH or my DC. I don't always feel it's necessary to go out and about with a whole bunch of people all the time.

Maybe your SIL is an introvert who gains her energy by having some quiet time or downtime not by mixing with others (as extroverts do). In that case it's really hard and tiring to be social for the 12 hours over Christmas you have to be with people. Taking some time out for herself may be what she needs to be able to get through the day. She may be very shy and struggle with small talk. If she makes you feel uncomfortable it's because she is feeling uncomfortable.

Don't be hard on her. I really really struggle with social occasions where I'm not on my own territory. I have to go to along sometimes so that my DC can spend time with other relatives but have me around too but I often just wish I could stay at home and do my own thing all day on Christmas day (even on my own). People who think it's strange are the ones in the family who are very different from me- ie extroverts, people who love Christmas and drinking and socialising/ like meeting new people etc.

I am wondering if she has low level autism.
People with autism can find it difficult to go easily from one situation to another, or cope with a sudden change of plans.
Does she have any other traits that may come across as a little different to other people?

Gilberte, I just wanted to thank you for your post. You have just described exactly how I feel most of the time. I always wondered if I was perhaps a bit autistic or what it was, but I think you've just put it perfectly into words.

Autism? Really?

She sounds like an introvert to me. I am an introvert and hate having to do what everyone else is doing. Gilberte puts in perfectly.

OP, I take it you're the control freak you mentioned in the title ...

So I was wondering if anyone else is like this and can explain what drives them/why they find it hard to accomodate other people's plans?
Why do you find it so hard to accept that she is an independent person with different preferences/priorities to you, and that she is unlikely to be getting 'overwhelmed' with anything, and just feels no need to 'join in'. What does it matter whether she joins in activities. It hurts no-one if she does her own thing, surely? I think it's a bit of a strange thing to wonder about. She has no desire to 'fit in' - which is perfectly healthy. If you want an improved relationship, realise that people are individuals and appreciate she just doesn't want, or feel the need to conform. She may just sometimes want a break from enforced socialising. I'm very sociable and extroverted and chatty and I like being around people, but sometimes just want do other stuff or have some peace and quiet. I don't seek others' approval, seeing as I'm an adult, so really if I'm on holiday and want to go read a book for an hour rather than what 'the group' are doing, I'm quite at peace to go do that.

Somethingtotalkabout Aww thank you for that. I think there's an introvert thread on here somewhere that may be of interest (digs around)www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/a1621006-INTROVERTS-THREAD-shhhh-were-over-heree

Unfortunately extroverts do seem to rule the world (they would wouldn't they)and because we're in a minority a lot of them think we're just a bit odd when we're just different to them

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/a1621006-INTROVERTS-THREAD-shhhh-were-over-heree

I'm actually very much an introvert myself and can totally understand not wanting to always be doing the same thing as everyone else or be with others all the time. A group holiday is my idea of hell! We are a very laid-back relaxed household and there is no pressure to join in everything.

I just find it very odd because she seems to want to do these things eg in the examples I gave she would be very keen to go for a walk, but then when the time comes because she happened to be doing something else, she seemed unable to stop doing that task because she hadn't finished it ifswim. And surely no matter how introverted you are it is weird to not join in a celebratory meal because you happen to be tidying up in another room?!

I act in a similar fashion to your SIL when at my inlaws for Xmas. I do it because I don't really want to be there.

I take a book and read the whole time I'm there.

Thanks for the link Gilberte, I've also just ordered the book that's mentioned on that thread, Quiet.

Fingers crossed I understand my mine a lot more after it! x

mine=mind, my bad.

Hmmmm OK maybe she hates us then?!

But we're nice! Really we are.

horsemad how do your in-laws react to that?

Maybe I should give up trying to understand her then or get a closer relationship. Seems like such a shame though

Just leave her to her own devices. I am a control freak - the reason I clicked on this thread, but I think I might react badly to being organised by someone else.

Live and let live.

I am seriously confused why anyone would need to organise a walk the day before.

Have you asked her about it?

It's perhaps not a question of hating you. She might just not know how to say no. She might be trying to join in and then find it hard. Christmas can be very stressful for some people.

You say she's your sister-in-law. Is she your DH's sister, brother's sister? Do they seem concerned at all? If they haven't said anything I'd just leave her be. POlitely invite her to join in but don't push it.

They probably think I'm rude or crazy, but I don't care. I don't like being organised by other people.

I do that at my inlaws. I like them, but I also like my own space. I might agree and want to do something with them when its planned the day before, but when it gets to it, I might not be in the mood. As long as other people are going, and everyones happy, then I'm not letting anyone down or spoiling their day. My sil's cool with that anyway.

Like Gilberte so eloquently described, she's probably an introvert who loves you all but gets depleted from joining in. I'm the same, love my own family but can't bear being organised by other people. As for her being in the least bit autistic, I reckon nothing is further from the truth. She's probably just highly sensitive and gets overwhelmed easily.

I think it's very hard to stay at the in laws actually especially at Christmas and to be expected to join in and be part of family traditions and "ways". If you don't want to you're "odd" or hard work etc and there's this whole group of people pressuring you to do so even subtly.

I remember staying at a boyfriends and his families Christmas Thing was playing Balderdash (make up a story or definition of something on the spot and people guess who's telling the truth etc) now I just cannot do that kind of thing on the spot, I just can't. From the moment he told me about it I dreaded it and this was before we even got there. When the time came I refused to play it and read my book because quite simply I couldn't do it and would have looked a total idiot each and every time it was my turn. They pressured me greatly to join in and I got some irritated and mystified reactions because I wouldn't

Leave her alone. The things your family think are fun and the way it should be are not hers and if you have posted about it on here then I imagine you are discussing it with other family members and raising eyebrows amongst yourselves too which she will be aware of I guarantee it.

I too do not understand the need to organise a walk the day before either.

I think it's very hard to stay at the in laws actually especially at Christmas and to be expected to join in and be part of family traditions and "ways". If you don't want to you're "odd" or hard work etc and there's this whole group of people pressuring you to do so even subtly.

I remember staying at a boyfriends and his families Christmas Thing was playing Balderdash (make up a story or definition of something on the spot and people guess who's telling the truth etc) now I just cannot do that kind of thing on the spot, I just can't. From the moment he told me about it I dreaded it and this was before we even got there. When the time came I refused to play it and read my book because quite simply I couldn't do it and would have looked a total idiot each and every time it was my turn. They pressured me greatly to join in and I got some irritated and mystified reactions because I wouldn't which made me feel even worse.

Leave her alone. The things your family think are fun and the way it should be are not hers and if you have posted about it on here then I imagine you are discussing it with other family members and raising eyebrows amongst yourselves too which she will be aware of I guarantee it.

I too do not understand the need to organise a walk the day before either.

I am both introverted and have OCD. I find it exhausting to be in surroundings that are not my own, and often need to retreat for some quiet time - that's the introversion. (And I actually appreciate having things organized in advance so I can prepare for them. I book dates to see my friends weeks and months in advance.)

You sound like you really want to connect with her. Well, including her with invitations, even if she never takes you up on them, is a nice way to do it. Not pressuring her to join you would also be good. You may find that she's more open and engaging in a one-on-one situation (say, over a cup of tea in the morning or something).

If you have reason to believe she has OCD, I can give you my experience which might help. In my case, there are some things I am simply unable to do and the stress and shame associated with my behavior is acute, so drawing attention to them actually makes it worse for me. For example, I am sometimes utterly unable to use the phone, so my friends kindly allow me to email or text them and never expect me to phone them back. Giving her another option could be a very kind thing (eg, maybe she can't possibly go for a walk, but she will sit and read a book with you, or watch a show, or wrap presents).

Sorry, that got to be a lot about me, but she sounds kind of like a kindred spirit and I feel a little protective of her!