Can anyone who is a bit of a control freak/has OCD tendancies help me to get some insight into my SIL

[Muffinpig]

My SIL (and family) is staying over Christmas and I've always found her really hard to deal with as although she is perfectly nice and friendly, she just does her own thing the whole time and doesn't join in with what the rest of the family is doing. She seems to have very fixed ideas of what she wants to do and when and seems to find it difficult to compromise/fit in with what everyone else is doing.

For example, we might all discuss the day before going for a walk at a certain time the next day (to fit around kids) and when it gets to that time she doesn't come because she is in the middle of some other task that she refuses to stop until she's finished. Or on Christmas day when we're all enjoying a champagne brunch she doesn't join in because she's folding up wrapping paper or something in another room.

I don't think she's deliberately avoiding us (we all get on well, no major issues ever) or being rude, I think she just finds it very difficult to "fit in" with people around her and the importance of whatever task she is doing just overwhelms everything else to her.

I would really like to be able to understand her a bit better and to imnprove our relatiobship. So I was wondering if anyone else is like this and can explain what drives them/why they find it hard to accomodate other people's plans?

Thank you thunder that is exactly the kind of insight that is helpful!

No I've never directly asked her about it as I didn't want to put any pressure on her. Db has mentioned in the past that she's not very good at being part of a team ie she always has to be the leader/organiser at work and finds it hard to go along with colleagues suggestions. I've never made an issue of it though.

The thing that puzzles me isn't not coming on a walk etc or wanting alone time but that it comes across as being things that she wants to do but that once she has started something else she can't let herself stop that task to do them. Kind of like all out focusing on one thing at a time and not being able to just put it down and finish it later even if she wanted to.

Anyway, I guess I will just try to talk to her a bit more one-on-one.

I don't think organising a walk the day before is confusing. If there are children of different ages then they'll be hungry and tired and hyper at different times of the day do it makes sense to coordinate in advance.

Thats the bit that came across to me in your post, Muffinpig.

I get that she may want time alone.
And that some people dont want to be organised by other people.

It is the part about having to carry on with a task that she has started, and maybe cant switch to something else, without finishing what she is on.

"Kind of like all out focusing on one thing at a time and not being able to just put it down and finish it later even if she wanted to"

Maybe there is an obsessive side to her nature (I have one myself, made worse when under stress) but it may be an attempt to regain a little control in an environment in which she feels she has little control.

Does she say "I would like to come on this walk but I must get this wrapping paper tidied up first" or are you just assuming she needs to finish the task.

Is she obsessive about anything else (hobbies etc)?

You could always put your head round the door and say "we're going out on our walk. We're happy to wait for you if you'd like to come, or would you prefer to stay here?" Then she's fully included but its no big deal either way.

I think amillionyears might be onto something.

Introversion isn't the same as inflexibility, or however you want to term this compulsion to complete something, however trivial, before starting the next thing.

There is an element of fixation there (an observation, not a criticism).

... And it doesn't sound intentional at all, just part of her make-up. If she is a 'fixator ' it's probably kindest to let her do her own thing, and fit in as she can, without pressure. And not to take it personally, which you haven't anyway
Just expect her to do her thing, shrug, and enjoy your day.