I dont know what happend

[Ferngirl]

My Fiance had a few drinks at his Xmas party. I picked him up and we went to our local and had 1 drink. We went home with fish and chips. He went to bed as he was drunk. I then heard him being sick so I went up... Sick all over the floor/bed... I try and make him get up to clean it up and he wouldn't... I got really cross and pulled covers off him & shouted.... I wanted to show him what a twat he is being so I grabbed his phone to take a photo of the mess. He went balistic... He grabbed me and threw me on the floor pinning me down trying to get the phone ... I flubg the phone across the room and he got off me.

I dont know what to do. It's nearly christmas.. we have plans. My wrist is swelling up. He was screaming I made him do it. I don't know what to do... I cant go home to my parents I can't face it.

She just an ex... We have been together 5+ years and there?s been the odd hi in the street but nothing else. I picked him up from the works do so he was deffo there, I know people he works with so I doubt she would be there.

The text says 'sorry just got back I?m ok u?'. No previous message history so he must have deleted it.

Sweetheart a man who can behave like this even when drunk is not a man worth having.

Please go to your parents. However you feel about your lovely home and pets - it's just not worth it.

I'd bet a month's wages that if you marry this man you will not be happy.

Red flag - run!

He is not a lovely man.

He has hurt you.

He has betrayed you.

It is not your fault.

He isn't lovely.

Drinking so much that you puke everywhere, more than once, isn't lovely.

Pinning you to the floor isn't lovely.

Cheating isn't lovely.

I agree with someone above who said that you photographing him, to me, sounds like a strange thing to do, and the actions of someone desperate

It's a warning sign,OP and you won't feel safe, you'll just start to tread on eggshells around him and appease him all the time.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who used to beat my mother and an alcoholic sister who as a teenager used to beat me; I know he signs and I know the process.

I know you love your home and want to stay with your pets but you might want to start thinking about making another home, where you can live with your pets and feel safe. You can make make that home lovely too.

Ferngirl: most people don't text their ex at midnight - unless there's something going on between them. Now you have another reason to leave him. You deserve better.

How are you this morning?

There is something more to it here.
Why would the ex be texting and obviously replying to his texts? Why has he deleted previous messages.?

He is cheating or at least attempting to..

OK:

He can't take his drink and pukes - wrong (him)
He drank too much at the Xmas party - wrong (him)
You then went for another drink with him and had fish and chips when he was already drunk - wrong (You)
He went to bed without a bucket -wrong (him)
He puked everywhere - wrong (him)
You lost your rag - wrong (you)
You tried to take a picture and stripped covers off him - wrong (you)
He assaulted you and injured you - assault is not only wrong but a criminal offence (him).
Text messages between him and an ex (him)

The sums don't seem to add up to this being a very happy relationship - it sounds positively toxic.

Yes you have a nice home and some pets. You can have a smaller home, keep your pets and find happiness with a better man in the future.

I don't know what your relationship with your parents OP and even if you feel they will say "I told you so" it's probably because they love you and have seen it coming a lot time. I know I would welcome my dd with open arms in this situation and even though I have a poor relationship with my own mother if a man had ever laid a finger on me I have always known I could have gone straight home.

It sounds to me like you need to get yourself out of this right now.

You may love him and feel you have a lot to lose by ending the relationship, but imagine this sort of scene with small children in the house... Him throwing up and getting angry, shouting, hurting you if you challenge his behaviour (waking the kids up, frightening them, you having to explain that daddy is just drunk, he doesn't mean it). Picture a lifetime of being afraid of him if he drinks, and also when he gets angry sober - changing your behaviour to avoid confrontation and ending up accepting the unacceptable.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking that having children/marriage/more commitment will change him, it won't. You won't end up having less to lose if you stay and put up with this sort of treatment, you'll end up more tied into a life with him.

I think you need to leave, demonstrate to him this sort of crap is unacceptable. If he stops drinking and shows a commitment to change, then maybe you could go back. If you just decide to stay and stfu because you think you were in the wrong cos you 'provoked' him, you will end up in this situation again and again. He needs to take on board that how he behaved is very wrong & still his responsibility, drunk or not, 'provoked' or not.

There needs to be a dramatic change in how your relationship works, otherwise you're going to enter a hugely damaging pattern.

Also, I've actually seen people advise partners/families of drunks to take pictures of them when they're drunk to show them what they're like, so what you did isn't so strange either. It's easy to say in retrospect that it's a 'wrong' thing to do and it was provocative, but I've seen it advocated as a course of action before.

He is totally in the wrong. You are allowed to be angry at him for something that deserves being angry at! Too many people on here are jumping on the phone thing to somehow justify his actions, when there's no justification. There is a very wise saying, OP: people show you who they are. The fact that he then went on to trash the room is the most telling and important factor here - he choose to indulge his own ego and temper and continue to scare, upset and punish you by trashing stuff, esp. your treasured mirror. He wanted to scare and control you. That's a massive red flag. The lovely relationship you speak of is over now - and that is all his fault.

Oxford

Excellent point about the mirror, amongst other things

He prob threw the phone so you wouldn't read/see anything ... That's what it sounds like to me..

Now that he's awake and sobered up, he conveniently has no messages....

:/

Does sound worrying.

In my experience, when men don't want you to use their phone for photo/games ect its normally because they're hiding otherstuff elsewhere on the phone

I could be wrong of course, and prob am... But yeh... Funny how he wasn't bothered and then snapped when you picked his phone up

Having said that though - I don't want my DH to look at my phone - work e-mails and stuff and the fbook account in my mnet name and the meet up he has no idea about because he wouldn't approve and it would be too difficult to explain. But all quite innocent really - I wouldn't wallop him over it though.