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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont know what happend

66 replies

Ferngirl · 21/12/2012 22:01

My Fiance had a few drinks at his Xmas party. I picked him up and we went to our local and had 1 drink. We went home with fish and chips. He went to bed as he was drunk. I then heard him being sick so I went up... Sick all over the floor/bed... I try and make him get up to clean it up and he wouldn't... I got really cross and pulled covers off him & shouted.... I wanted to show him what a twat he is being so I grabbed his phone to take a photo of the mess. He went balistic... He grabbed me and threw me on the floor pinning me down trying to get the phone ... I flubg the phone across the room and he got off me.

I dont know what to do. It's nearly christmas.. we have plans. My wrist is swelling up. He was screaming I made him do it. I don't know what to do... I cant go home to my parents I can't face it.

OP posts:
Idohaveoneofthese · 21/12/2012 22:30

Take some ibuprofen and put some arnica on your wrist in the meantime.
Please don't worry about saving face with your parents - and just think about what you would want your own daughter to do if she were in this situation. Sending you a hug.

Original poster
Ferngirl · 21/12/2012 22:32

I do feel like it's my fault now. Your right if I hadn't wound him up he would still be asleep and I would be sat hear fuming. Not crying.

I'm going to loose everything I have if I walk. I don't know what I would do.

OP posts:
RacHoHoHog · 21/12/2012 22:34

I would get the phone and take it with me to a friends for the night.

Seriously consider leaving. My exh started out pushing me about and smashing things up, it was a slippery slope to full on domestic violence and I didn't realise because each episode was only a little worse than the last and so it seemed normal.

foolonthehill · 21/12/2012 22:37

Rubbish, it was not your fault that he hurt you...no-one has the right to do that. He could be angry that you grabbed the phone, he could get cross, he could leave the room, he could do all sorts of things. HE chose to hurt you, threaten you and trash the bedroom. Moments before he had been making out that he was dead to the world through drink. I repeat, there is no excuse for that.

I cut someone up in the car park today...(not on purpose) should they have rammed me with their car?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 21/12/2012 22:37

Honestly op he is a twat. Whatever you did is no reason to what he did.

However I think your actions are showing you are fed up. Taking photos is not on, imo. But it seems like you don't know what else to do. So leave.

You are not making each other happy and are on a downwards spiral and he has gone to far.

Idohaveoneofthese · 21/12/2012 22:38

I ddn't say you had wound him up, it really isn't your fault. He had lots of different options other than the one he chose. It's much easier for him to blame you than to say, "I'm a twat who completely over reacted"

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/12/2012 22:38

No, no, no. You misunderstood what I meant.

It is not your fault.

We all chose how we react to things.

He could have chosen to walk out, rant, etc.

He chose to trash the place and hurt you.

Plus it isn't a one off you said, so it is unlikely that keeping your head low would guarantee gentlemanly behaviour on his part.

foolonthehill · 21/12/2012 22:39

PS what you have to lose now is nothing to what you lose a decade down the line maybe with children if he gets away with this behaviur.

Don't keep it behind closed doors.

I wish I hadn't.

Leverette · 21/12/2012 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/12/2012 22:44

X post with foolonthehill.

Please do not blame yourself.

How would you lose everything if you went to your parents?

It does not follow. It is late. Things seem terrible at night.

Think again tomorrow. You had everything before him. Why would you have nothing if you took yourself to a safe place?

ohfunnyFRANKENface · 21/12/2012 22:45

I think trying to take a photo of the vomit to prove how much mess had been made before you clean it up is very different to photographing the person to humiliate them.

I'm so sorry you've been hurt- please take yourself somewhere safe and take stock. You might 'lose everything' but I sounds like you'd gain more by having a good think about what you want. I'm not saying LTB but consider whether you would come into this situation and advise yourself to marry him. Is this what you want for yourself?

Idohaveoneofthese · 21/12/2012 22:50

Leverette, I think if OP had posted that she had gotten ratarsed, thrown up all over her bed (and it had happened before) and her partner had gotten pissed off because she wouldn't get up and clear it up. Then he had tried to take a photo to show her the state she was in and she had attacked him, then I dn't think that anyone would say that he had goaded her. (Well I wouldn't)

Original poster
Ferngirl · 21/12/2012 22:54

I have a beautiful house I have worked very very hard on. I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. I have pets which I love dearly, I wouldn't be able to take them with me if I went back to my parents. And I love him, I love the little world we have made together. I just want this to have never have happened.

I didn't want to humiliate him with the picture. I just wanted to show him how unacceptable it was to leave a mess like that. He kept saying 'it doesn?t affect you'. It does affect me.

OP posts:
AloeSailor · 21/12/2012 22:55

Do you need to get medical attention for your wrist?

xkittyx · 21/12/2012 22:56

OP this is so totally not your fault, and I'm actually shocked at some of the responses you've had here. Talk about victim-blaming.
His vomitting on the bed was disgusting, no wonder you were furious. His reaction was that of a violent thug.
There are far too many of these threads around now during the "festive" season, and sadly far too many woman who seem awfully keen to justify vile drunken behaviour.

ledkr · 21/12/2012 22:56

Blimey I've been sick a few times from drinking and dh holds my hair brings me a bucket and a flannel and some water. I've done the same for him. I'm not a thug or an alcoholic I'm a lightweight and get sick if I drink.
If he does this frequently or has attacked you before then obviously that's different. If he's puked from drinking too much at his Xmas do then acted out of character then a conversation about future drinking needs to be had but I'm sure a lot of people have done stupid things when pissed.
Before anyone goes mental I say this as a survivor if pretty extreme dv

Idohaveoneofthese · 21/12/2012 23:03

Do you feel safe sleeping downstairs? If you don't then just find a local hotel and figure out what to do in the morning. He can wake up in his vomit, not knowing where you are.

Rindercella · 21/12/2012 23:06

Don't think about tomorrow, or Christmas or the New Year just yet. You only need focus on the here & now, just for the time being.

Do you need medical attention for your wrist? If so, please get it checked out.

Are you safe where you are now? If in any doubt, just get out and put some physical distance between you and him.

Please don't carry the blame for what happened. Drunk or not, your F is responsible for his actions. I would be very surprised if the reason he reacted as he did when you took his phone was anything other than there being incriminating stuff on there that he didn't want you to see.

He gets so pissed that he pukes all over the bed ( more than once). How the fuck does he expect you to react?

Look after yourself and please keep posting on here - you will get some great advice to help see you through this and out the other side

Original poster
Ferngirl · 21/12/2012 23:07

The drinking isnt a one off. I've rubbed his back plenty of times before, I got fed up tonight and lost my rag... I shouldn't have done. We have spoke about his drinking limits many times. He just can't say no to spirits which is what makes him sick.

Ido, that's what happened... I also asked him to just get out of the bed so I could clean up.

OP posts:
zippey · 21/12/2012 23:46

He might have lashed out because he was in agony (his fault but still in agony) and you're there berating him telling him to clean up, and then you grabbed his phone to take a picture of him.

That isnt an excuse for domestic violence, but could it be that his aim was to get his phone back, and not to harm you? You did get harmed in the process though. But once he got his phone back - that was the end of the aggressiveness was it?

If he has issues with drink then thats a whole issue in itself. Maybe this is the straw which makes him rethink about his drinking habits. If you're going to be in it for the long term then this is something he needs to change.

ledkr · 21/12/2012 23:48

Well then that is different. I know I'm sick so rarely do it and never mix drinks and stop after so many.
I was married before to a binge drinker who peed everywhere when drunk and it drove me mad. The arguments it caused often became physical so maybe it is time to draw the line.

xkittyx · 21/12/2012 23:57

In agony how exactly? Drinking too much does not cause "agony".
There seems to be some major defensiveness over binge drinking and I can't work out why. If OP had been assualted by her coke-fuelled DP would the reaction be the same?

zippey · 22/12/2012 00:10

xkitty I dont know if you've been violently sick, but its not very pleasurable. Its horrible and painful hence my use of the "agony" word

I didnt mean to come across as defending binge drinking. Thats a different argument. I said in my post that the drinking is something which needs to be tackled if the OP wants to be in this relationship in the long term.

Original poster
Ferngirl · 22/12/2012 00:29

I have his phone. His ex just txt saying she just got back and is he okay. No other msgs they must have been deleted. I guess this explains what happened earlier.

I'm aware that I'm making him out to be some abusive cheating so and so. He isnt, he's my lovely, sweet kind and funny man. I love him with all my heart. I have been very very stupid.

OP posts:
aprilrain · 22/12/2012 00:38

I'm confused - so he said it was a work Xmas do but his ex is now asking if he got back ok? And he's deleting their message history? Can you explain more about his ex?

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