4 years together, I want children, she doesnt

[Iwantchildrenshedoesnt]

hi all,

In a nutshell, we've been together 4 years, I'm 40, she's 36. Our relationship is ok but has somewhat become stale. Not much butteflies in the stomach, lost in the routine, not unhappy but certainly not very happy either, feels like we're more friends than lovers. While I think the relationship could be saved/improved/made good if we were both working at it there is an even bigger question.

I've known since the beginning that she was ambivalent about having kids. In fact, she goes from period of thinking that she absolutely does not want any kid to period where she might want one (at the most) and only under conditions where I would be the principal carer and doign pretty much everything. We've discussed this a few times, I've promised that I'd do it all but recently realised that I don't think this could actually work. Feels like we both need to be completely in it to have a chance to raise "successfully" DC.

The problem is that she sees all the issues that having kids bring (and I'm not disputting those) but she just does not see any "benefit" in the positive column. She does not see the love that would come when I just have to think about the way a kid looks at his parents to feel all warm and fuzzy (Yes i'm a real softy).

Yes we have a (relatively) good thing going that probably would satify me if we were 50/60 and had "had our life before" but do I really want to "force/convince" her to have kids (b/c we're both afraid to have to find new DP at our age) and then have a resentful DP for the rest of my/our life as yes her life would change, yes there would be lots of issues (tiredness, stress, logistics, schools, doctor appointments etc), yes I will sometimes failed to be the principal carer and need her to step in (ie all her fears will likely come true)

i think I've just avoided thinking about this before because like any normal man I avoid all confrontations if at all possible, but recently realised that we might have to go through the heartache of separating to get what we want from life. I hoped I could convince her that having children was wonderful but I don't think Ive managed that or would now want to do it as risk is too big if I got it wrong. nb I've had children in my life before (previous dp's) so I know it is not all rosy but still loved it and still feel the "urge" for lack of better word.

Anyway, very interested to hear what people think ? I will need to have a serious talk with her very soon as I'm sick to my stomach every time I'm at home knowing I'm considering leaving her - feels as bas as if i were cheating. With Xmas coming up, I feel really bad

Oh and she's living in my flat so would ultimately need to move out which also make things a lot harder...

Any help/suggestion/opinion will be greatly appreciated, I'm really lost, sad, depressed

Thanks

I know someone who persuaded their dh to have a child. The agreement was on the basis that she did everything and he didn't have to do anything. They had a child and several years on the arrangement is as he dictated. He has limited involvement in his child's life and she does absolutely everything. It hasn't made for a very happy relationship between the two of them, particularly when she sees other couples sharing the parenting equally. And the child is completely spoiled and over indulged as they are now the centre of their mother's world to the practical exclusion of nearly everything else.

If you are so keen to have children then I think you need to find someone that wants them too rather than trying to persuade your dp to agree. Four years together is long enough to work out whether you see a long term future and have shared aims and goals.

No point in pushing it, if she doesn't want children.

You will have to decide if you want children more than her, though.

Sorry.

:(

Re read your first paragraph. That alone shows that this relationship should end, regardless of the child situation. Having ababy won't make any of that better. It sounds like the baby issue is a deal breaker for you so you should be honest with her and tell her it needs to end. You can then both be free to find a partner with a shared vision of the future. I don't think you can go into parenthood with one parent basically opting out of parental responsibility, it will cause huge resentment down the line, and it doesn't sound like the state of your relationship could handle that.

Thanks both, I guess that's where I'm at and probably why I'm trying to "test" people's opinion because I'm really anxious about losing her and ultimately having to find somebody else with whom it might not be any better. This is so bl..dy hard

Sorry :(

But if she doesn't want children, then no amount of persuading is going to change her mind.

If you really want to stay with her, then you need to accept this....or very sadly and with many regrets seperate and find someone with the same goals as you.

feels like we're more friends than lovers

Setting aside the question of dc, it very much sounds as if this relationship has run its course.

I suspect you should have ended it a couple years ago but you found it easier/more convenient to stick in the rut and hope for a miracle.

If you're not on the same page in respect of having dc at this stage in your respective lives it's unlikely that'll change and, if you look deeper, it's probable this isn't the only issue on which you fundamentally differ.

Having a dc in these circumstances would be disastrous. All you're doing with your current dp is marking time and you're best advised to call a halt on this unfulfilling state of affairs.

I was with the same man for 12 very sexually active years, first as girlfriend, then as a wife. Never had so much as a contraceptive 'scare' in all that time and, looking back, it's because I knew the relationship was problematic and didn't want to bring a child into it. Met someone else later on and knew I wanted his child Day 1. If it's not right for her, it's not right and a child won't alter that.

Unfortunately for you she has the final say on this as she has to actually have the child with all the attendant risks. 40 isn't that old to start over -- it's not like men's fertility declines with age in quite the same way women's does.

She is not going to have your child. She really, really doesn't want children.

It is entirely fair enough to split on the grounds you want children and she doesn't.

I know several first time fathers of 44, all is not lost for you.

Stand firm and leave her. Or at least, you'll have to ask her to leave, which is grim, but you've hardly got the choice about that. Give her 3 months to leave. She's only 36, tsk, she'll get someone else & she's not exactly in a hurry from her biological clock.

You sound like potentially great father material and I think you must go for it.
You are not old at all.
It is a shame that she will have to find a new home, but that is in no way as bad as you being denied being a father.
The vast majority of females want children and are leaving it later to have them - you could easily meet someone 30 upwards (or younger).
I was with someone for 10 years. We split up when I was 39, and absolute panic set in when it finally dawned on me that I would never have children. Amazingly I met my husband very quickly, because of our circumstances we couldn't have children straight away, but then had a little boy when I was 42! I count myself very very lucky, I would have really regretted not having children.
Good Luck x

I know having a child would not make the relationship better and not trying to achieve that

question is whether we should stay together and (a) I convince her to have DC but will she ever be really convinced and not resentful or (b) I change my mind and be sad...

And then how to split if that's what we have to do ?

I think that if you have a totally honest conversation with her, and state how important children are to you and that her current decision is a deal breaker for you....you will find you have communicated your decision to split.

Good luck.

You aren't really in love are you? Just together because you are both scared of being alone. So it's not like you would be giving up the love of your life. She doesn't want children - you do. That's the bottom line. Don't miss out on the chance to have a child because you are too scared to make a tough decision. Sure, things might not work out as you expect, but at least you will be giving it a chance. staying in this dead relationship will mean it never happens.

Doesn't sound like a good relationship to bring children into anyway.

But yes, she has the perfect right to not want children. As you do to want them. Neither of you are wrong.

Just incompatible.

So you have to choose.

Tough situation to be in. I'm sorry for you both.

But tbh, it's probably better, because the relationship sounds like one of those that is not two people who are together because they love each other, but two people who don't want to be alone and so stay in a plodding along friendship/relationship because they're afraid to go after something more, in case they don't find it.

That's never going to make you happy.

You cannot and should not try to 'convince' her of anything. Bringing a child into the world HAS to be something both parties want. You can't coerce someone into parenthood. It's not fair to them.

And - who wants to be the child of someone who didn't really want to have them?

Do you want your child to grow up with a mother who didn't really want them in the first place?

WTF do you mean the OP sounds like great father material? He's got children already from more than one relationship - where are they, OP? How old are they? Do you see them, pay towards their upkeep?

Does it not occur to you that if your current partner knows that you are a neglectful father towards children you already have, then that might be what makes her resistant to becoming another woman that you have impregnated and dumped?

I'm so sorry u feel this way. U sound a great guy. Ur 40, I think u said, no age really for a bloke. My best but sad advice is move on. She's 36, she won't now alter. Find happiness elsewhere. Don't stay there for 5yrs hoping.

Wishing u a happy Christmas and luck for 13. That's a great number in Chinese numerology. Could be a good year....

The rest of your life is a long time, but your window of opportunity for having children is small. You have the luxury of being a man and this being more about the age of your partner than your own age but still the clock is ticking (sorry, but it's true, as I'm sure you're aware!)

If you stay in this relationship - which already has signs of having run its course - you may end up splitting up anyway in 10 years, and having missed the boat as far as children are concerned.

I'm not saying you should leave her necessarily! But that, like fedupwithdeployment says, you need to have a conversation with her, and that you need to do it soon (after Christmas?)

And, if children are that important to you, you do need to be prepared to leave her if she says no.

I know many more women than men around our age (late 30s) who are looking for a life partner to have children with. I expect you may well find yourself very eligible! And it could well happen fairly quickly!

My own lovely DP for example left his ex as she wasn't ready to settle down. I was in my early 30s at the time we got together and starting to think I'd missed the boat. We had DS fairly quickly - we both knew we wanted DCs and I'm now pregnant with our second.

How do you know that Solid?

I have several lovely single female friends keen to have kids or with kids or both. Plenty of lovely ladies out there with similar attitudes to family to you!

I think he means previous DPs have had children - not that he has children with previous DPs :)

please dont end it in run up to christmas that seems unkind - why not treat yourselves to a holiday and see how you get on?

Solid
They were his ex-partners children?

As a 40 year old single man looking to have children then provided you're solvent and not butt ugly you will have the choice of MANY women in their 30s who are looking to settle down asap.

SolidGold - I read the post as previous girlfriends of his had already had children rather than he has kids of his own out there.

to correct an earlier thread I do not have kids, I was once with someone who had kids and hence know at least a bit of what it means. I have not abandoned any child

OP: OK, sorry. I did read your post as you having fathered children previously.