4 years together, I want children, she doesnt

[Iwantchildrenshedoesnt]

hi all,

In a nutshell, we've been together 4 years, I'm 40, she's 36. Our relationship is ok but has somewhat become stale. Not much butteflies in the stomach, lost in the routine, not unhappy but certainly not very happy either, feels like we're more friends than lovers. While I think the relationship could be saved/improved/made good if we were both working at it there is an even bigger question.

I've known since the beginning that she was ambivalent about having kids. In fact, she goes from period of thinking that she absolutely does not want any kid to period where she might want one (at the most) and only under conditions where I would be the principal carer and doign pretty much everything. We've discussed this a few times, I've promised that I'd do it all but recently realised that I don't think this could actually work. Feels like we both need to be completely in it to have a chance to raise "successfully" DC.

The problem is that she sees all the issues that having kids bring (and I'm not disputting those) but she just does not see any "benefit" in the positive column. She does not see the love that would come when I just have to think about the way a kid looks at his parents to feel all warm and fuzzy (Yes i'm a real softy).

Yes we have a (relatively) good thing going that probably would satify me if we were 50/60 and had "had our life before" but do I really want to "force/convince" her to have kids (b/c we're both afraid to have to find new DP at our age) and then have a resentful DP for the rest of my/our life as yes her life would change, yes there would be lots of issues (tiredness, stress, logistics, schools, doctor appointments etc), yes I will sometimes failed to be the principal carer and need her to step in (ie all her fears will likely come true)

i think I've just avoided thinking about this before because like any normal man I avoid all confrontations if at all possible, but recently realised that we might have to go through the heartache of separating to get what we want from life. I hoped I could convince her that having children was wonderful but I don't think Ive managed that or would now want to do it as risk is too big if I got it wrong. nb I've had children in my life before (previous dp's) so I know it is not all rosy but still loved it and still feel the "urge" for lack of better word.

Anyway, very interested to hear what people think ? I will need to have a serious talk with her very soon as I'm sick to my stomach every time I'm at home knowing I'm considering leaving her - feels as bas as if i were cheating. With Xmas coming up, I feel really bad

Oh and she's living in my flat so would ultimately need to move out which also make things a lot harder...

Any help/suggestion/opinion will be greatly appreciated, I'm really lost, sad, depressed

Thanks

Iwant - from everything you have written here, the relationship is all but over. If you want kids, then there is someone else out there who will feel the same way ... and hopefully the nature of your relationship would be different too.

This relationship is fucked, honey, and it's time to put an end to it.

As for how she leaves - that'll be the usual way by packing her belongings and exiting via the most convenient door; or window is she's desperate to get away from you.

Maybe she has friends/family she can stay with? If not, help her source a flat/room to rent asap.

Btw, I can't think of a worse thing to do to someone than prolong their belief everything is hunkydory through Christmas/New Year's Eve and then drop the bombshell on Jan 2. After 4 years she deserves your honesty - now.

My DH had children that he was ambivalent about in order to stop me from breaking up with him.

He has never committed fully to our DC, and I mourn the family that I always dreamt of.

It's a hard road to take, and I think if I had understood the consequences I may have chosen a different path. You need to find someone who wants a family with you, not someone who may always resent a choice they made.

What on earth are you waiting for? I could understand your hesitancy if you were a woman and you were terrified of your biological clock running out before you met another suitable man, and I could understand it if you were still so completely and utterly in love that you could not bear to be apart but had this huge difference to overcome. But neither of those things apply, the relationship seems to have run its course and you want majorly different things out of life. Why are you still there?

You do know, don't you that there are literally THOUSANDS of women just waiting to meet someone exactly like you?

Thanks for the message and for expressing confidence that there are women out there waiting... however as much as I don't want to be interesting for someone for the fact that I'm reasonably "solvent", I neither want to be interesting to someone because I happen to desire children. Guess I just want to be happy with someone. Probably being too romantic (and unrealistic)...

Think about it from the child's point of view, would it be fair of them to grow up knowing their mother isn't that interested in them?

I think it's best for both to seperate, she doesn't sound like she would ever want children from what you've said and you'll start to resent her for it. As other posters have said, 40 isn't too old to start a new relationship and hopefully eventually have children.

I think PPs just mean that as a single, family oriented man with no exWs or DCs you will be considered a good catch on the dating scene!

I think you should cut your losses and move on. I was once like your DP, in a relationship with a man who was desperate for us to have children and I really didn't want to. It wasn't until after I'd left him and met my now DH that I realised it wasn't that I didn't want children, I just didnt want HIS children. I now have a beautiful DD and we are planning DC #2. I think you should follow your heart. This can't possibly end well for you as a couple, and you both deserve to be happy.

"I think the relationship could be saved/improved/made good if we were both working at it" doesn't sound like some amazing, life-affirming soul-mateship that is only spoiled by this teeny issue of children. Is it really worth putting in the spadework to mend the relationship when you basically want different things out of life? Neither of you sound like bad people; but one of you doesn't need to be a bad person, or indeed do anything wrong at all, to justify ending it. She is not bad or wrong not to want children, any more than you are bad or wrong for wanting them, but this isn't an issue on which compromise is really practicable. Better to end it as kindly as possible, and set each other free to look for what you really want, while you're still young enough to find it.

You say it would probably be ok if you were 50/60, but if you hang on like this for the next decade or two it'll always be a half life between you, something you're settling for rather than what either of you really want. I'm betting you are both worth more than that.

I knew a couple like this a few years ago; same ages, too. He desperately wanted kids, she was quite adamant she didn't. They were rather unhappy but neither seemed to know what to do about it.

In the end they split up & divorced, and he met someone new less than a year later. He's now happily married to her and they have 4 kids. He's over the moon and a much happier (and healthier) person. Don't know what happened to the ex-wife; she disappeared back off to Wales to her parents, and cut off all contact with the rest of our group of friends.

OP, from reading your post I think it's fairly obvious you know yourself that things are pretty much over. You're staying together out of habit and convenience. 40 is definitely not too old to start over again & find someone who's on the same page as you where kids are concerned.

OK I see what you're all saying (interesting to see not one dissenting viewpoint !) and maybe I'm there too.

I can't help feeling though that (1) maybe I should do more to salvage us (so many things are right between us) and (2) yes it could feel right to end it but maybe only in the way that sometimes making a tough choice makes you feel righteous/virtuous (Anyone see what I mean)

aarrggh this is all so hard. I really don't want to hurt her. And what if, following a talk, she says she wants children but only b/c she's afraid to be on her own. What do we do then ? do I believe her ? so so hard

If you loved her enough to be happy to make her happy in remaining child-free, you wouldn't be asking the question.

wrt you your future happiness, you don't have to go out seeking 'woman to bear child', but you can think through a core list of 'must haves' for a new partner and make sure you are not leading yourself or anyone else up a garden path by pursuing something you KNOW will founder if they are of the 'no way jose' approach to parenthood.

FWIW, many people I know who demurred over parenthood and dissolved the relationship as a result then went on to have a baby quickly in the next passionate relationship - sometimes it IS a reflection of the relationship. You have recognised a staleness, she may have a barrier that is saying 'not now, not in this relationship' over children. Don't be hurt if she has kids in future.

But...really, you need to be honest and open, or you will waste many years for yourself.

I'm reading loads of threads today (my first time here) and see all those bad relationships out there and cannot help but think we're great in comparison and hence maybe I'm stupid to think of leaving. is it the right decision to leave when your relationship is somewhere in the middle (not abusive, not violent, caring but without the "soul mate" element) ?

Yes other people will be having a worse time than you, but I agree with the others that you should move on, and find someone else who want to have kids - and not waste more time with her. From what you say its not as if your relationship is wonderful anyway. IMO much more at stake to stay together and work it out when there are kids involved...

I think you just need to talk to her. It may be that this brings other issues out in the open and you both realise that it's the right time to walk away - or it may be that you can see a way forward together.

Also you don't know what the future may hold and you may meet someone who would love to have children with you but for whatever reason you're not able to conceive. Though that's not a good enough reason to stay where you are if it's not right.

Good luck

No, I think you are looking at that all wrong. It may not be 'bad' in comparison now, but that is because you don't have any regrets. Yet. Your life cannot turn into one big, one-sided compromise. At least not for someone you are already feeling 'stale' with after only four years. Don't settle for less than you are happy with for something that is already past its best, because it sure won't get any better.

If the relationship is already stale and unsatisfactory, having a baby (particularly if one partner is less than keen on doing so) will make it worse not better.

Not being abusive to each other is not a good enough reason to stay together, let alone to bring children into a relationship.

It would be very wrong to nag 'convince' her to have children when she clearly doesn't want to, because pregnancy and childbirth come with potentially massive risks to her long term health, without even considering the huge changes in lifestyle being a parent bring.

I think you should end this as kindly and honestly as you can. If it's any consolation, situations like this stand a good chance of an amicable split because it's nobody's fault that you want different things. Move on and let her do the same.

"I'm reading loads of threads today (my first time here) and see all those bad relationships"

But of course - people having a bad time post here for support.

People rarely bother to post just to let the rest of us know that things were really nice today, as usual!

A friend of mine really wanted DC and his wife didn't, he even bought the house next to theirs for his PIL so they would have lots of surport.

He finally convinced her and they had a DS, 9 months later his wife left him with the baby and moved in with her old collage lecturer. She now sees the baby twice a week in a waitrose coffee shop for an hour each time because she can't stand to have DS on her own.

If your not both on the same path then you need to split. You could resent her for never having DC's or you have them and she resents you. Having DC's is the most important thing to me and if my DP didn't want them too then I would not be with him, not because I wouldn't love him but because we didn't agree on lifes biggest decision.

You need the Soul Mate factor if you are prepared to invest your life in a relationship, I think.

OP - staying because it is 'good enough' is known as 'settling'. Some women 'settle' because they want a man who is good enough as a father for their children. But having a child always puts immense strain on a relationship - as well as bringing great joy in shared parenting. But many of the unhappy threads on Mn are because of the husge amount of workload a child brings, extra compications in terms of wider family, financial compromise, career compromise, fathers who feel jealous of a mother's focus on child, mother's who feel neglected by men who focus on bringing home the bacon, and all combinations of those situations.

If your partner suddenly came over all 'I must have a baby, NOW!' would you actually feel your enthusiasm for the relationship jump, or just for a baby?

If I'm honest I think I would really doubt what she says as she never really said I want one but I'm concerned, always sounded "im prepared to have one but under those conditions". She never expressed that she could see joy coming from the child and don't see how she could actually change now. I don't know, now I feel like decision has been made in my head and cannot change it again. I can't stand indecision and uncertainty, floating between two positions.

Reading all the posts, the only thing for certain is that you need both to WANT it and having one just ready to be ready to go for the ride is not right starting point (especially when relationship is not perch to start with)

Empowering to think I know where I stand now but also so depressing when I care about her

You can't stay with someone who you have only known for 4 years, you have few financial ties with and no dcs with because you 'care' about her. I would be devastated if I found out that DP was with me out of a sense of decency. You don't have to be brutal but you do have to be honest. Your timing could not suck more but it is what it is.

My brother and his ex split up because she didn't want dcs. Within 2 years they had both met and married new people match.com and both have baby dd's. It does happen.

Oh for goodness sake, OP. This relationship is dead as a dodo and you know it. I feel exasperated because I know several very nice women who would LOVE to meet a man like you - family-oriented, thoughtful, responsible, solvent, and with no serious ex-wife/girlfriend baggage. Don't drag this out over Christmas. Were you going to spend Christmas together? If so, you need to rethink your plans immediately. The quicker you do this, the better for all concerned.