What the f*** am I doing??

[Chocberry]

I am sending myself loopy! I am currently in a constant battle with myself about my decision to leave my partner or not. My decision changes on an hourly basis and I am going round in circles, its making me ill.
One minute I think we can make this work and the next I want out.
Been together 13 years, 2 kids age 10 and 5. Met young and he has cheated on me twice that I know of once when I was pregnant. Both one night stands.
Yes I know Im a fool for staying with him, that is the reason why I hate myself.
The last time he did it was 2 years ago and the time before 5 years ago.
He is a loving gentle man most of the time but he can be very selfish and on occasion he is disrespectful to me by staying out all night on a friends sofa without so much as a phone call to let me know ( as he knows i will kick off). He likes a drink that is the problem and once has a few goes off the rails. He works hard and doesnt go to the pub often but i feel so let down and upset when he has these occasional blow outs. He has also pissed the bed in the past and we are on the 4th mattress.
I am in a way craving for a fresh start as I do not trust him and we have no time for ourselves. he works 7 days and we do nothing as a family either.
But also I am scared of leaving in case I regret it and don't want him to be with anyone else, weird I know! I don't know if I love him or just used to being with him.
I have thought about counselling to help make a decision but cant afford it.
Also the other important thing stopping me going is the kids living without their dad, although my eldest doesnt respect him for the times he has let us down in the past due to drinking.
Just needed to get this out, anyone experienced similar? Any advice or words of wisdom?!
Thanks x

"I am scared of leaving in case I regret it and don't want him to be with anyone else"

This is the problem. You've set impossible conditions so you've failed even before you've done anything. You will regret leaving at some point because being independent is not a complete bed of roses and all finished relationships, however they end, are a source of regret He will be with someone else in the future... hasn't been much of a challenge in the past.

Square away those two things and you'll go

You're kids will still have a dad but they will also learn respect and standing up for yourself if you leave him. What kind of message are you giving them by staying with him when you are unhappy and things are bad?
Can you take a little bit of time to imagine yourself this time next year, with and without him? (I know this sounds daft but sometimes it helps)
Think about where you will live- new place or old, will you change jobs? Meet new friends?
How do you feel in each situation? Which makes you feel calmer? Happier?
I hope you manage to find the right answer for you.

Alanon family groups. Will help you think more clearly. xx

I have just posted something so similar!! 15 years and two kids in, I know how you feel. OH doesn't go out as much as he did but still stays out sometimes all night with no phonecall etc if he does come back after a night out (he is on one know) often sick / pisses somewhere in the house other than in the toilet. Verbally abusive, struggling to find why I am with him other than habit but it's such a long time it makes leaving so difficult as it is all I have really known all of my adult life.

Ironically have quite a good job where I need to be forceful and stong minded in a largely male dominated environment, if only they knew how things were at home!!

Am not sure this helping, but I am seriously considering leaving, largely due to the effect I think it will have on my children (6 and under 2), whilst he loves them dearly, I don't believe we are setting a good example to them. I can't be the 1950's woman I think he really wants and perhaps it has taken getting into my 30's to realise that!!

Good luck with whatever decision you make, I totally understand how difficult it is and have constant doubts about what to do, hence why I still haven't left myself, although I think this is the closest I have come to it.....

I feel for you as I am going through the same thing. Constantly battling with myself on leaving or giving it another go.

I would recommend counselling. Have you tried getting a referral from your gp? Relate maybe able to help and you don't have to go there together. Not sure how much they charge, but I don't think it will be much as they are non-profit.

Look after yourself x

I just posted on annie's thread. I escaped and I'm off with the wind in my hair now.

I put the link to this on annie's thread, but I'm going to put it on here as well as it is so helpful:

herbsandhags.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/the-joy-of-single-motherhood-and-why.html

Good luck. If I could I would bake you a cake with a file in it.

Thanks for everyones replies :) They have really helped. I know deep down what i should do for the best. Its really not healthy for dc to be witnessing how their dad sometimes chooses getting pissed over his family.
Last night was pretty bad, i had made an effort making us all a lovely meal. Dp said he would have his when he came back from taking ds to football training. So they came back at 8.30pm, well ds did and dp stayed outside chatting to a mate who had given them a lift. However 30 mins passed and he hadnt came back in for his dinner. So i looked outside but no sign of him :( So i thought fuck him and carried on with my evening. No text/call nothing. He finally shows up at gone midnight and comes in and turns tv on. I had to be up at 6.30am for work but was so wound up i couldnt get to sleep. He then turned tv off at 1.30am and came up to bed, ive still not managed to go to sleep.
I ask him what he's playing at and why is he being so selfish when i have to be up early. His reply was whats my problem and that i should just go to sleep then! Hegets in bed and falls straight asleep and starts snoring grrrrrr. Its 2am now and still no sleep so i go to sleep on sofa, i think i managed to sleep at 3am zzzz
This morning room stinks and hes acting like he hasn't done anything wrong!
I have had enough, wish dc and i could go somewhere for xmas as looks like its gonna be a shit one.
Also thanks for the link was a good read.
When i try and picture myself next year, being a single parent is more appealing to me.

Sorry for typos, hard writing on my phone.

Yes I know Im a fool for staying with him, that is the reason why I hate myself.

I think it's the other way around, Chocberry: you stay with him because you hate yourself.

If you loved yourself enough, you would see in an instant that you deserve far, far better than this, and leave him.

You deserve better.

all finished relationships, however they end, are a source of regret

This has not been my experience. Sometimes it's more like: "Phew! That was a lucky escape!"

I spent years wondering about leaving my STBXH, as I faced several of the issues you describe, amongst others. Guess what? The bastard only went and left me for an O.W. 6 months ago .

This is what I'm now struggling to come to terms with and I'm going around and around in circles. It's very difficult for me to 'move on', as I live in an area we moved to three years ago for his job and I have no job myself. I have managed to make two friends here, but it's not the same as family and longterm friends you go back a long way with. I am seeing a Relate counsellor, but at £40 a session, I can only afford to go once a month, which isn't enough.

I've just had a bit of a lightbulb moment reading HotDamn's post, as I think that's what was happening in my case.

Despite all this, do I miss him? NO. Would I ever take him back? NO WAY.

Good luck with your decision .

I had never thought I hated myself but I suppose I most do or I would have got out of the situation sooner.
Cremeegg it has always been in the back of my mind that he may cheat again and as time goes on im wasting my life.
Today has been awful I think I may have really lost the plot. Had a complete meltdown earlier when he got out of bed at 12pm came downstairs with duvet and shut curtains with a hang over. Kids were playing up too and I lost my mind. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs (something I have never done before) and I threw the christmas tree across the room shouting that I had had enough of this life. I was crying and sobbing and thought like the men in white coats should take me away. This is totally out of character for me and my poor dcs were so frightened :( Feel absolutely gutted I lost control and so guilty.
So partner left and I phoned my mum crying, my mum and aunt came over to help me and I have decided that I can never be like that again, he has actually sent me in sane, it really is a case of the straw that broke the camels back.
4 days until xmas and this is happening. My mum said we can stay at hers from now until xmas even though her house is already full of people. My mum has taken dcs and I am packing our things right now. Cant believe this is happening :(

It does seem like you need to get away for a while to clear your head, love.

he sounds horrible

'on occasion he is disrespectful to me by staying out all night on a friends sofa without so much as a phone call to let me know'

This sound very familiar to me. Infact an ex of mine used to say this is what he had done an awful lot.

Turns out it was actually drunken one night stands....not crashing on a friends sofa

Daft thing is I would have kept on believing him (despite the fact I 'knew' of one occassion where he had cheated before) if my mate hadn't seen him coming out of one of her neighbours flats

Still makes me LOL

I am sorry chocberry

My xh displayed lots of those traits you describe and he left for an OW 3 years ago. Who knows how long I might have hung around putting up with it all so I am grateful he put us out of our misery.

There are up and downs for a good while and ending any relationship even when its for the best is a painful process but it sounds like he neither respects you or enhances your life in any way.

Try and grit your teeth through festive cheer, mine left Boxing Day and it does make it all feel worse than it is.

It probably doesnt feel like it now but you loosing control in a strange way was probably a good thing. You reached your breaking point, and who can blame you? It hopefully will make the decision easier to make. You cant carry on like that. It will be better for you and the kids to be without this poor excuse of a man. So pleased you have your mums support. Take care and good luck x

Omg, chocberry this is my story too (aside from the cheating -I think - and the wetting the bed).

He told me 7 weeks ago that he was leaving and I came onto mumsnet completely devastated. The wise ladies here told it to me straight and set me on the path which has led to me 7weeks later thinking PLEASE LEAVE!

He said he is going after Christmas (I'm hoping now that it means Boxing Day!)

I am another one of those women who clings to crap relationships but al anon is showing me that I deserve respect and he didn't give me it. He is selfish, childish and even though he is leaving it is somehow my fault. But where 2months ago I would have done anything to sort it...today I told him that his issues aren't mine anymore.

I can now see how he twisted my perfectly reasonable request that he let me know if he was going out drinking to "no other wife expects this and X (his best friends wife) agrees with me". Well, I have since met X and asked her and she says "Hell no, it is NOT ok!"

Does you H also pick fights so he can storm out to go drinking and you are left feeling bad and fuming?

I think that your emotional explosion was your brain saying "enough of this crap". There comes a time when retreat is the only option...take the time to think about what you want and what's good for your dc. I already know that I want more than my Stbxh can offer

Good luck xx

Well its been a week now and I have had to go back home as too much at my mums. I just wanted to say thanks to you all who replied to me, you have all helped loads :)
I have told him that once I find a place to rent me and kids are moving. He has now started with the blackmail. He even said that if we split kids lives will be ruined as kids from broken homes don't do well and get into trouble etc. I told him not if we be civil and he still has an active part in their lives. I said the most important thing is how we deal with the split.
He turned round and said it will be better for kids if we stay together and pretend all is ok!!! Wtf! Like I want to spend the rest of my life pretending, im only in my thirties!
He then basically went on to say that if we split the kids will miss out as he wont have much to do with them as it will be too upsetting for him. He also said I can take everything from the house and he will buy some rope of ebay! (To do himself in).
How should I deal with this? Im getting very scared now, scared he will do something stupid, scared he will punish kids and not bother with them to get at me. But I really want to go now but its going to be hell, I can just feel it by his awkwardness :(
goodenuffmum I hope things are going ok for you and he has left already like you wanted! Mine never used to pick fights to go out drinking, but would sometimes just decide to drink and not come home.

Is there someone else you can stay with?

I don't think you should go back to living with him. He is showing all the classic behaviours of an abuser and manipulator, and you are still so soon out of this that you can still be swayed by his manipulations.

He won't do himself in. He might well use the kids to get at you, though, or even harm you directly. That's why it would be a really good idea for you to continue to stay away.

Oh, honey, take heart. He's simply following the abuser's script. These men are far too fond of themselves to do themselves any harm and it's calculated ploy to keep you where he wants you, which is dancing to his tune.

DON'T let him see your fear. If he blethers on about buying rope on eBay, email him links to appropriate items and offer to stockpile paracetamol for him in case he changes his mind about the method of his demise.

Or respond to any further hints about suicide by telling him you'll make contact with his GP and call the police who can arrange for him to be sectioned taken to a mental hospital for hs own protection.

Also the other important thing stopping me going is the kids living without their dad Your eldest doesn't respect him and I very much doubt that either of your dc will miss him. In fact, I strongly suspect your dc will flourish within a very short time of you leaving their df.

HI OP, just to say, his blackmail shite is bullshit. Kids need a peaceful happy atmosphere, love and at least one good role model, that's all.

I am from a broken home. I'm generally lovely and reasonably successful with my own business.

My brother is from the same broken home. He is also lovely and is at uni studying medicine.

My DD is from a broken home, she's 16, we've never had a cross word, she's only ever been grounded once and she's a grade A student with lovely manners.

So, just don't let his crap influence you.

Me and my 3 siblings are from a 'broken home'. I'm a Headteacher; my siblings are a lawyer, a police officer and an engineer. Don't fall for his blackmail.

Kids with alcoholic & abusive parents are more likely to have a bad start in life than those from broken homes, your kids are better off without his influence. Be thankful your eldest doesn't respect him, rather than thinking this behaviour is OK!

You say he's cheated on you twice, I would rather say he's cheated on two occasions that you've found out about. I agree with what LookingForward said, chances are he's been with another woman when he says he's crashed on a mates sofa, maybe not always the same one.

Also agree with the comments that he has no intention of harming himself, he's saying that purely to blackmail you into staying - where else will he find someone to cook & clean for him & put up with his crap?

Find yourself a nice solicitor asap

HotDAMNlifeisgood Unfortunately there is no one else we can stay with at the moment. But I have found a house which I'm viewing next week!
Yes your all right, staying in this shit relationship would be more damaging. Ds age 11 is already lacking in confidence and literally shakes if we argue. I can not see him like that again.
It's great to hear so many of you have done so well in life after coming from a broken home. My parents split and I've not done too bad, but I was older, 17.
Oh and hes so bothered about us splitting that hes gone straight to pub after work today and come back at 10.30pm. Luckily he didn't speak to me and just went straight to bed. At the moment I'm having to sleep on sofa which is soo uncomfortable.
I really can not wait to move!!

Allergictoironing Your probably right about the cheating, I do not trust him at all, I have recently took myself to a gum clinic and been tested, all clear luckily.