What the f*** am I doing??

[Chocberry]

I am sending myself loopy! I am currently in a constant battle with myself about my decision to leave my partner or not. My decision changes on an hourly basis and I am going round in circles, its making me ill.
One minute I think we can make this work and the next I want out.
Been together 13 years, 2 kids age 10 and 5. Met young and he has cheated on me twice that I know of once when I was pregnant. Both one night stands.
Yes I know Im a fool for staying with him, that is the reason why I hate myself.
The last time he did it was 2 years ago and the time before 5 years ago.
He is a loving gentle man most of the time but he can be very selfish and on occasion he is disrespectful to me by staying out all night on a friends sofa without so much as a phone call to let me know ( as he knows i will kick off). He likes a drink that is the problem and once has a few goes off the rails. He works hard and doesnt go to the pub often but i feel so let down and upset when he has these occasional blow outs. He has also pissed the bed in the past and we are on the 4th mattress.
I am in a way craving for a fresh start as I do not trust him and we have no time for ourselves. he works 7 days and we do nothing as a family either.
But also I am scared of leaving in case I regret it and don't want him to be with anyone else, weird I know! I don't know if I love him or just used to being with him.
I have thought about counselling to help make a decision but cant afford it.
Also the other important thing stopping me going is the kids living without their dad, although my eldest doesnt respect him for the times he has let us down in the past due to drinking.
Just needed to get this out, anyone experienced similar? Any advice or words of wisdom?!
Thanks x

Update

Well I did it!! I moved out in March this year to other side of town. Kids will be starting their new schools in sep. I've dealt with split ok I think, miss him stupidly but i'm healing and it takes time..
However my worst nightmare, he has met someone else already about 1 month ago!
Feels soo horrible and strange. I knew he would meet someone first!
I just find it bizarre how a woman would get with a man when he is so soon out of a long term relationship. She is a lawyer as well so you would think she would have more sense!
Feel like I have to go through all the raw emotions again :(
Anyone been through similar? How long does it take to get used to ex being with someone else? Dreading seeing them together...

Being with you didn't stop him getting together with other women so, with you out of the way, there wasn't going to be much stopping him. I'm really unlikely to ever bump into my exH and his new DW but the way I rationalise it is that my life is so much better without him and that, ultimately, she's done me a favour.

Chocberry

congratulations on your new life!

I'm also a single mum now...I got the courage to tell XH to leave in February and 5 months later I feel it was the best (and the hardest) decision.

I don't think my XH has latched onto his next GF yet but both DC think he will find someone soon. I feel sick at the thought but I am focusing on undoing the damage he did to my self esteem and helping my DC.

And when I am finally ready to date again I will walk away if they say "I like a drink"

I don't think the fact that the new GF in your XH's life is a lawyer is any guarantee of confidence: I know lots of professional women like me who are in terrible relationships.

The only thing we can do is make better choices next time!

He'll cheat on her, get smashed & pee in the bed, she'll give him the boot & he'll be onto the next one...

I know i've made the right decision in the long run. Even if I'm on my own forever its better than being treated how he used to treat me.
Well done goodenuffmum. I will run a mile if I see they like a few too many drinks!! She is younger, 25 I think, 10 years younger than me! That's another kick in the teeth!! I wonder if he will tell her he cheated on me!
I like it twinkle!! :)