DH reveals coke habit

[MrsEricPacker]

Hello
I'm not new to MN but I've changed my name as I've posted regularly elsewhere on the site. I'm looking for some advice on how to look after myself and make sure I can do the best for my family, DH included. Apologies for the long intro.

I have not had an easy time of it with my DH over the past year or so. He is generally very moody (though he denies it). I've been with him for 20 years and throughout that time he has drunk quite a bit. He would always be the most pissed in the room at parties, weddings etc. He habitually stayed out much later than he said he would. He's been in A&E a couple of times because of accidents whilst drunk. He would often let me go home alone because he wanted to carry on drinking. All of these things would go on in the past, but since we have had our DCs (the eldest is 11), this sort of behaviour is rare, but he still has it in him. Most of the time he has always smoked a bit of weed. He was meant to give it up when DD1 arrived, but he didn't. Occasionally I find the evidence, but he usually claims that the stuff is "old". We argue about the weed a lot. I don't want him to do it. He promises he will stop/has stopped, then I find out he hasn't. Once in the last year I saw him talking to a man in a car who had pulled up outside our house flashing his headlights. He lied at first, but it turned out it was a dealer.

Autumn 2011 was horrible. He was more than usually moody, depressed and irritable. We were rowing all of the time and for the first time I really believed I might leave him. I had stopped feeling annoyed and just started to feel sad. I made a few attempts to get through to him. I felt that he had detached from the family and me and I was carrying the burden of the kids and the home without him really being engaged. He would say strange things about life not being worth living, about nothing bringing him joy, about wanting to die. Afterwards he would claim that it was the hangover talking. I urged him to go to the doctor but he refused. Things improved for a while. He promised to try harder. He didn't promise to cut back on drinking and I didn't ask, but drinking and smoking didn't seem to be an issue for a while.

Then, the past few months this year have been really difficult. Regular rows. Same old issues. Again I felt that he wasn't really engaged. Also, he was staying up half the night and not coming to bed until sometimes 5 in the morning. He would claim to have fallen asleep downstairs. He had a perpetual cold and started to look rough. He would lie in at weekends and I'd have to shout at him to get out of bed. He would regularly fall asleep at weekends at home. He was leaving dirty clothes everywhere, blowing his nose on socks and t-shirts, blowing his nose for ages in the shower. Still I didn't twig.

Then the day before yesterday he was talking about being short of cash and having a party to go to. I said I couldn't understand why. And then he confessed. He's spent 2k on cocaine in the last 6 months. It might be more. He earns a decent amount of money and runs his own account as well as paying a chunk into our household one. He has always been a bit crap with money but I trusted him. He says he stopped the coke a month ago. He went to see a doctor (not our GP - someone through a charity I think) a month after stopping because he was frightened he was going to relapse. He said he was sorry, that he was frightened I would leave, that he'd give me control of all of his money. A day later, I was still in shock and upset and when I tried to talk to him he said he wished he'd kept it secret and that it was best he left because he was "a dark depressive character" and that he should go and never see me and the DCs again. He said we needed to get Christmas over and then talk. A while later he agreed that he needed to go to the doctor and get help. That he would hand over his money, but that he wasn't prepared to stop drinking (I think he should), that he wanted to work things out between us.

I was/am stunned. I can't believe he would do this. I can't believe the deceit. I can't believe he let me take a loan out in my name to do work to the house whilst he was spending hundreds on coke and borrowed money from me on top.

I need some advice on what to do next. I am going to see a counsellor myself. I've spoken to my sister for support already (he didn't want me to tell anyone and has said that if I tell anyone he will nolonger be able to see them). I am going to manage all his money, at least in the short term. Everything will be paid into our joint account and he can have cash for spending and will give up his cards. I'm going to clear my own CC debt (not large) and make sure I have a little set aside in case this happens again and we do split (I don't think I can stay if he does it again). He's going to see the GP. Is there anything else I can do, apart from wait and hope that this is the end of it??

Sorry to go on. I am grateful to anyone who reads and replies. Besides my sister, I've told no one else.

I would start managing finance and work out a plan to separate when convenient for you. Unless he goes to a serious rehab and stop with all the drugs including alcohol and cigarettes.

Bless you. My exh had a cocaine problem and was also physically and emotionally abusive to me, so in the end I had to leave.

Getting into some form of rehabilitation would be good for your husband and if he sticks with it then he may well get better and become the husband he must of been at some point. If he refuses to get rehabilitated then that would be the deal breaker for me.

Whatever happens, good luck.

I would not be putting your own self through this any more and it is also damaging for the children to be a part of all this as well.

All you are to this man is his enabler. He is only interested in his own self and is quite happy to drag you and the DC down with him. And he is doing that right now.

You cannot help anyone like this besides which he does not want your help. You are too close to the situation to be of any real use and the sooner you extricate yourself from him properly the better.

Unless he properly and truthfully wants to seek help for his addictive behaviours there is nothing you can do to help him.

Bet you as well he has not as yet done to the GPs.

I would seek legal advice re separation as soon as you are able to.

Clear your debt if possible and don't run any more up.

It sounds as though your DH is an addict.

I dont really have any experience of this but im sending you hugs. Hope you get this sorted out. All I can say is protect yourself and the kids. x

NA for him and Nar-Anon for you. He needs to urgently get into treatment and I have never heard of someone recovering from this without complete abstinence from everything - drink included. Sounds like he is still in denial and needs to accept completely he is an addict. Hugs to you xxx

You're seriously going to wait until he does it again? Isn't 20 years of lies, broken promises and let-downs enough?

I had a friend who was in the exact same situation as you, but her husband managed to run up near 10k of debts all attributed to his coke + booze habit and they nearly lost the house as a result. Its a horrid situation to be in and there are no easy answers.

Addicts of any sort can be the most lovely and most awful people in the world, they're also really good at making you feel totally and utterly helpless and shite and that's because addiction isn't about you, its about them, their entire world revolves around their addiction and there is nothing you can do about that. As cliche as it sounds an addict has to want to get better, if they aren't committed to the idea of getting better there is nothing you can do for them. No amount of pointing them in the right direction will help unless they are willing and ready to help themselves.

You have children, your first priority is the children, your second priority is you. From what your post says, you've done everything you can do, apart from staging an intervention there isn't a lot left to do, your husband is an adult, he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions, I imagine he's more than capable of taking care of himself, so its important you stay focused on looking after your yourself and your children.

Don't be hard on yourself either, addicts can be the most sneakiest people in the world, most people's idea of addict is the total opposite of what an addict actually is. My friends husband was a functioning alcoholic and a weed smoking coke head, he held down a full time job and managed to hide his addiction from everyone for years, so your not alone.

I know you've told your sister and you're going to see a counsellor, but have you considered telling anyone else in your immediate circle? Because you will need just as much support as your husband does, the worst thing you can do is try to deal with this on your own, living with an addict is a huge huge emotional burden and very big roller coaster ride, even more so if there are children involved. There are lots of twists and turns and there are always set backs, these are so much easier to cope with if you have a support network of people around you who know what's going on.

I agree with meringue.

Even professionals don't really know what they are dealing with when it comes to this stuff.

The people in NA have been there and can support you all properly, an arm you with the facts.

Hope you manage to find a way to work through this with help from your Gp , and other support networks .
No point though unless he really wants to stop completely with the drinking , weed and coke . They are all too intertwined with each other and have been a part of his life style for many years .

Whatever he says he has spent / is spending on coke , you can probably treble it . A gm isnt exactly cheap and doesnt go very far , plus there are the diminishing effects , so you need more , more often to get to the same high .

Good luck in whatever path you take through this

Thank you everyone. I read your responses and I'm sobbing. I think I should probably ask him to leave because I don't think he's truly committed to dealing with this himself and doing what it's going to take starting right now. I think he believes he's given up and that's that, and he should have kept his mouth shut and everything would have been fine.

I asked him last night to give up booze as well and he just said that he would have to leave because he wasn't prepared to give it up, particularly at Christmas and especially because we have family coming. I am afraid that this says it all. I think he's still in denial and using the same tactics that he's used in the past...telling me not to worry, it's just a little weed/a few drinks, he's not drinking more than anyone else/he's just having a drink with his meal/the weed belongs to someone else/it's only one joint in the last few weeks/it's all under control/it's Christmas/a wedding/Friday night/Sunday lunch etc etc.

I think I understand what addiction is and how an addict can recover. My view and his on the matter aren't the same. If he doesn't agree with me we'll end up back at square one again and again. And I am 45 next year. I don't have time or energy for this and neither do my kids.

I am going to go to NA for myself. I'm going to call tomorrow when I feel a bit better. And I'm thinking about who to tell when it comes to my friends. I'm scared and anxious and I don't know what I'm going to do, but thank you all. Your advice is helping. I'm sure I'll be back.

For what its worth, my friend and her husband managed to work it out but it wasn't easy and its an ongoing process, their relationship still isn't perfect but its a lot better than it was.

Good luck ! I really do hope that you manage to find a solution that works for you.

www.cauk.org.uk/index.asp

CA might be more appropriate for your husband than NA to be honest although it depends where you are as CA is a smaller fellowship and there aren't groups everywhere.

Al-anon would be helpful for you.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

If he doesn't want to stop he won't though and nothing you can do will make much difference to that. It needs to come from him.

I don't think nar-anon exists in the uk. NA where I live is mainly heroin addicts to be honest.

Not that I have anything against heroin addicts- an addict is an addict whether their drug of choice is booze, coke or whatever, just think CA might be more helpful.

I read your OP thinking "oh gawwwwwd, I knew it". My ex had all the exact same things going on as your DH, but I never ever got an admission of the coke that was going on despite my serious suspicions.

So, in that way, at least you know and he is prepared to let you take control of the finances.

Or on the other hand, even though I never got the admission, he is my ex because his behaviour was so appalling.

I don't know what to say, but I feel your pain. You are not the only one

Thank you for the contact details, RachelWalsh.

And thanks for sharing your story mcmooncup.

We've been talking again tonight. About Christmas mainly. I think he needs to give up drink permanently. He's not happy. He flounced off when I said he should not drink over Christmas. Lots of muttering and a bit of indignation and sulking. I laid out what I thought the terms should be (treatment, abstinence basically). Later in the evening he's agreed I'm right, but says he wants to drink on xmas day. He says it would be difficult not to with family here. I agree but I'm not sure at all that's the reason. Giving up drinking altogether is going to be really difficult for him and might be the last straw for us both. It's going to be a hard road. He knows he's got to make the appointment with the GP. Attila is right, he hasn't done it yet....I read all your words carefully btw.

I'm talking with my sister on the phone. She's very supportive but not local so that's hard. I'm going to clear my debt and hope that things are changing majorly in January. Otherwise I'm gone. I've told him this and I can't see any other way.

Oh and one last thing...it was a year, not six months. Either I misunderstood or he wasn't clear, but tonight he said it was a year of using.

you can also try families anonymous and FRANK (links below)

famanon.org.uk/

www.talktofrank.com/

"Later in the evening he's agreed I'm right, but says he wants to drink on xmas day"

That's like the guy allegedly giving up smoking that keeps a packet in the drawer for a special occasion. It's designed to fail before it's even started.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, getting help for yourself and being kind but firm with him. Hope it all goes well for you over the next few days. Strength :-) xxx

I am trying, thankyou. Xmas will be difficult and couldn't have come at a worse time. I told a local friend yesterday, which was hard. I feel ashamed even though I shouldn't. Ideally I would like close friends and family of us both to know, to make sure he gets on and stays on the right track, but for now, until both he and I have had some professional help, I am treading water. He sees the GP straight after Xmas and I am hoping the GP will say categorically no drinking. I think DH should pay for private addiction counselling or some such as well.

Oh my goodness, just read your post and I literally could have written it word for word except instead of coke I found out (by accident) that my husband had been gambling. After many false starts and lots of lies I finally got to the truth and found he had £12k worth of debt accrued over 5years. All on fruit machines when he was supposed to have been at work. Howhhe didn't lose his job I just don't know.

Anyway that was just over a month ago. He left a week after I found out.

I have no real words other than to offer support to each other going through something so similar its scary. My husband says he did it because he is depressed, has never been happy, can't find happiness and spends his life perpetually asking himself "is this it?". I am broken. We have two v young children aged 5 & 2 and the enormity of facing life on our own is only just hitting me.

My husband sounds exactly like yours with the drinking. For every one glass everyone else would drink at an event, my husband would drink 3. I think he has addiction problems but he has always been quick to dismiss any concern I had by saying I was "nagging".

Sorry to ramble but it was just so odd to read your post and think "that's me!".

She70 how awful and of course I understand how you feel, totally. A few days in I have some, a little, optimism that things will be ok for us but i am afraid too. You don't say so, but I guess your DH is not giving you any hope that he might get the help he needs? Even if he did it might not change things.

The one thing in your favour re your little DCs is that they are small and you won't have much explaining to do re your split. I don't know how I would handle telling my 11 and 9 yo that Daddy had to leave.

All the things you say re your husband's depression resonate too. Mine often says stuff like that. I used to have a hard time convincing him that wasn't normal but he always refused to seek help til now. I really hope that this is a huge watershed moment for him though he does have a mountain to climb and I am scared.

Are you getting lots of support? Does his family know? I am wondering if I need to tell my ILs. I scared none of this will seem real to DH until his family know.

Anyway, I hope you have a good Christmas and that someone is looking after you, and whatever happens, your DH does get help for his sake and so he can be a proper dad in future if nothing else.

No experience but just wanted to wish you both well - I think the fact that he has told you and relinquished finances means he wants to get better, he is giving up his opportunity to go back to it. Agree with other posters that 2K doesn't sound much (as a previous user) he will possibly have spent more. The alcohol could be more difficult to give up than the coke, how much is he drinking?

You and he both need professional help and support with this - can he get to GP this week and get the ball rolling? I really hope it works out for you both