DH reveals coke habit

[MrsEricPacker]

Hello
I'm not new to MN but I've changed my name as I've posted regularly elsewhere on the site. I'm looking for some advice on how to look after myself and make sure I can do the best for my family, DH included. Apologies for the long intro.

I have not had an easy time of it with my DH over the past year or so. He is generally very moody (though he denies it). I've been with him for 20 years and throughout that time he has drunk quite a bit. He would always be the most pissed in the room at parties, weddings etc. He habitually stayed out much later than he said he would. He's been in A&E a couple of times because of accidents whilst drunk. He would often let me go home alone because he wanted to carry on drinking. All of these things would go on in the past, but since we have had our DCs (the eldest is 11), this sort of behaviour is rare, but he still has it in him. Most of the time he has always smoked a bit of weed. He was meant to give it up when DD1 arrived, but he didn't. Occasionally I find the evidence, but he usually claims that the stuff is "old". We argue about the weed a lot. I don't want him to do it. He promises he will stop/has stopped, then I find out he hasn't. Once in the last year I saw him talking to a man in a car who had pulled up outside our house flashing his headlights. He lied at first, but it turned out it was a dealer.

Autumn 2011 was horrible. He was more than usually moody, depressed and irritable. We were rowing all of the time and for the first time I really believed I might leave him. I had stopped feeling annoyed and just started to feel sad. I made a few attempts to get through to him. I felt that he had detached from the family and me and I was carrying the burden of the kids and the home without him really being engaged. He would say strange things about life not being worth living, about nothing bringing him joy, about wanting to die. Afterwards he would claim that it was the hangover talking. I urged him to go to the doctor but he refused. Things improved for a while. He promised to try harder. He didn't promise to cut back on drinking and I didn't ask, but drinking and smoking didn't seem to be an issue for a while.

Then, the past few months this year have been really difficult. Regular rows. Same old issues. Again I felt that he wasn't really engaged. Also, he was staying up half the night and not coming to bed until sometimes 5 in the morning. He would claim to have fallen asleep downstairs. He had a perpetual cold and started to look rough. He would lie in at weekends and I'd have to shout at him to get out of bed. He would regularly fall asleep at weekends at home. He was leaving dirty clothes everywhere, blowing his nose on socks and t-shirts, blowing his nose for ages in the shower. Still I didn't twig.

Then the day before yesterday he was talking about being short of cash and having a party to go to. I said I couldn't understand why. And then he confessed. He's spent 2k on cocaine in the last 6 months. It might be more. He earns a decent amount of money and runs his own account as well as paying a chunk into our household one. He has always been a bit crap with money but I trusted him. He says he stopped the coke a month ago. He went to see a doctor (not our GP - someone through a charity I think) a month after stopping because he was frightened he was going to relapse. He said he was sorry, that he was frightened I would leave, that he'd give me control of all of his money. A day later, I was still in shock and upset and when I tried to talk to him he said he wished he'd kept it secret and that it was best he left because he was "a dark depressive character" and that he should go and never see me and the DCs again. He said we needed to get Christmas over and then talk. A while later he agreed that he needed to go to the doctor and get help. That he would hand over his money, but that he wasn't prepared to stop drinking (I think he should), that he wanted to work things out between us.

I was/am stunned. I can't believe he would do this. I can't believe the deceit. I can't believe he let me take a loan out in my name to do work to the house whilst he was spending hundreds on coke and borrowed money from me on top.

I need some advice on what to do next. I am going to see a counsellor myself. I've spoken to my sister for support already (he didn't want me to tell anyone and has said that if I tell anyone he will nolonger be able to see them). I am going to manage all his money, at least in the short term. Everything will be paid into our joint account and he can have cash for spending and will give up his cards. I'm going to clear my own CC debt (not large) and make sure I have a little set aside in case this happens again and we do split (I don't think I can stay if he does it again). He's going to see the GP. Is there anything else I can do, apart from wait and hope that this is the end of it??

Sorry to go on. I am grateful to anyone who reads and replies. Besides my sister, I've told no one else.

Hi MrsEric
Sorry about what you're going through. It is dreadful, and especially at Xmas. I don't have any experience of coke, but I do have experience of majorly addictive drinking (exP).

You sound like you are doing the right things, particularly re sharing- in my experience a big burden was lifted from me when I started telling people and stopped feeling it was my shameful secret.

For me Internet forums were really useful- the only people who really understand what an addict is like are those who have been through it themselves- the ups and downs, the roller coaster moods, the optimism, the broken promises etc.

I also think for me the important thing was making my own boundaries. In other words not "you cannot drink", but "drink if you want to, but if you do, realise I cannot live like this and we will have to split up".

It was only when I followed through on these boundaries that anything changed. All the promises in the world mean nothing if they're not acted on.

We have split up now- and guess what it's all much easier. I have been honest with the kids (they are 10 and 8), and while it is certainly no bed of roses, things are so much better than they have been for the last few years. At least I am in control of my life now- not him.

Good luck, and strength to you.

Thank you Greeneyed and Squeegle. Good advice particularly about boundaries. I am carefully working mine out. It's note easy. DH has a doctor's appointment for 7 January. Later than I would like but it was the earliest he could get with the GP of choice.

I appreciate the need for actions not words. DH is promising a lot at the moment. The coming weeks will be show if these translate to actions. His drinking isn't heavy but it is regular and I am concerned that he is using/has used alcohol to manage his moods, so the drinking either has to be cut right back or stopped altogether. I am not sure if either is possible, or what happens if neither is achieved.

We had a good day yesterday, with visitors (my parents and ILs). All was well until last night when I happened to be there when his phone rang and a number without a name flashed up. I answered, and I noticed that the same number had texted him an hour before. The man who spoke when I answered said he'd got the wrong number, but because of the text I was suspicious. DH then deleted the message despite me begging to see it, after wrestling his phone from me. I don't know if I was right to beg. I do know that he should have shown me. We had a heated argument and eventually he accepted that he needed to show me the message. He was very apologetic. He accepted that I need to know the full truth and he shouldn't have deleted the messages. He explained that it was a dealer who he had bought from regularly and he didn't want me to see how much because he was ashamed and felt disgusted with himself at the situation he was in and the way he'd let us all down so badly. I called my sister and spoke to her for some support and I got him to speak to her. I thought it might help him understand my point of view. She said he was very quiet and sounded forlorn. I spent the night tossing and turning and worrying, despite his reassurances, that he was lying about when he had stopped/how much he had spent/how long he'd been using. I'm going to counselling next week. I have still to ring one of the support groups. If anyone can point me in the direction of specialised on-line support I would be grateful.

Thank you all again for your help and support

oh bless you. I think I can see you will have lots of ups and downs with this situation. Try and look after yourself and set your limits. He is probably used to lying to you, so perhpas he will be pretty good at it and also is probably pretty manipulative. (((hugs))) for you.

He needs to change his phone number - his dealer will keep harassing him - thinking if I keep on badgering him he will weaken....after all it is how dealers make there money. and it is apparently what they do.