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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any Stately Home People About? Hand Holding Please

36 replies

CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:05

Hi All,

Sorry this will all seem extremely trivial and confusing if you haven't read my posts on Stately Homes thread - suffice to say my parents are very verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and dh, and after a horrible phone call a couple of weeks back, I stopped answering the phone, texts etc. My mother has texted me again today all nice-seeming (I think she is storing up these 'nice' texts for some future leagl confrontation) asking to come and see us for ds's birthday and bring him presents. Without going into detail, they singularly failed to protect ds on a past occasion which is why I stood up to them in the first place. I panicked and replied with 'you made it very clear on the phone that you don't want to see us. I can not have that behaviour around my children'. Cue a phone call, which I didn't answer. Just sitting here upset and scared now. I've been at home with my toddler all week with the chain on the door, scared that they'll burst through the door demanding to see the dc. I don't know what to do, but it would really help just to know people are out there who understand. Thank you! Supposed to be taking the dc out for Xmas treat this afternoon and hoping I can hold it together Sad

OP posts:
HazeltheMcWitch · 20/12/2012 11:10

Hello, I'm not a stately homes person, so don't know the background, but thought I'd pop in until one of them sees this thread so you're not on your own.
Sorry that you're feeling like this. To me, it seems like you are holding it together, you are putting your DC first.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/12/2012 11:14

You can hold it together.

The best thing you can do right now is to stop fearing something that may or may not happen: that is damaging to you. You know that if in fact they ever do descend on you in your own home even after you've said "no", you can deal with it.

You have the capacity to stand up to them now. You've done it before, and you can do it again. You can keep the door closed. You can open it, tell them "I do not want to see you", and shut it again. Any number of things that protect your boundaries; you're completely up to the task.

Enjoy your day with your DC, forget about them, and if they show up, you'll know how to cope.

x

Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:16

Thank you Hazel, I do feel a lot stronger than I was for years before I dared stand up to them. I really can't have them in the house but fear a confrontation on the doorstep which would distress the dc. They slander my dh and tell me I'm 'not right in the head' which I can't have the dc hearing.

OP posts:
trustissues75 · 20/12/2012 11:19

AS Hazel said....you ARE holding it together...you're looking after your priorities. Now you need to ask yourself just how far your are willing to go to keep protecting you and your family. You haven't done anything wrong...your parents are in the wrong and they will go to any extreme they can think of to get you to back down (shaming and guilt-tripping is my guess from own personal experience)

Do you really thing they will try to break down the door? Because if you do, or they have threatened to, you might want to talk to the police...I'm sure that idea will give you the hee-bee-gee-bees (after all, how COULD you, after she gave birth to you and brought you up and fed and clothed you and blah-de-bla-de-blah) but you must protect yourself.

Huge hugs to you

trust

Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:20

Thanks HotDAMN I think I could deal with it ok (although it would be terrifying) on my own, but they are sly and would do it in front of dc, to make me look nasty. And I would feel so nasty, refusing entry to a couple of pensioners with birthday presents Sad I just hope it doesn't happen on ds' actual birthday, they damn near spoiled it last year. You're right, it could never happen, but I have a horrible feeling it will. They just can't accept anyone telling them what to do. Thankfully dh will be back at lunchtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:22

Trust thanks for replying, you are all helping me to feel stronger. I do feel like talking to the police just for advice, but don't know how seriously they would take it - there is no proof, just our word.

OP posts:
Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:23

And they have a key - gave it to them years and years ago, for emergencies. That probably means I have given them permission to enter. (Sounds like vampires)

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 20/12/2012 11:31

New Stately Homer here. Sorry you're going through this. Can I suggest you change the locks? You might feel better if so.

"I do feel like talking to the police just for advice, but don't know how seriously they would take it - there is no proof, just our word."

Your word should be enough. If you call 101 you will get through to the non-emergency line for your local force.

hugs

stopcallingmefrank · 20/12/2012 11:32

Creepy if you feel like talking to the police for advice, go ahead and ring them on the non-emergency number. They should behave professionally and listen to what you have to say. They may even have some useful advice.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit stronger now.

Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:39

Thank you jess and stopcalling - I think I am just so used to not being believed. No-one in rl seems to understand, as I know a lot of other people in similar situations can identify with.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/12/2012 11:42

You won't appear nasty: you will appear assertive.

Being assertive is not being nasty, much as the abusive people who like to trample on our boundaries would like to have us think.

Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 11:52

You're right, I need to stop caring what other people think and I know the only people that matter in this are my dc. Still feels awful, goes against the grain to treat anyone badly. However bad they are. No-one else seems to know the real face of my parents.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 20/12/2012 11:57

How about you take your DS away for a special treat on his birthday. A treat that takes all day and a lot of the evening. I am unsure how old your child is but maybe you could stay at a friends house as well. Birthday sleep over. They can't yell at you if your not home.

Svrider · 20/12/2012 12:01

May I second the idea of changing the locks?
I think this should be your priority
Also ring police on none emergency number, and give them an abridged version of the situation
Keep it short, stick to facts
They then have a record if needed
(I did when we had issues regarding a hot tub sale Confused, and the police were great )
You are doing what you have to to protect your children
You are not the bad guy
Stay strong

Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 12:02

I would love to Aussie, but his party is already organised locally. I feel so angry that they could disregard him so much as to make his birthday all about their wants and demands. (Last year this was very much what happened) He is a wonderful kid and deserves better!

OP posts:
Original poster
CreepyLittleBat · 20/12/2012 12:04

Thank you Svrider - I will give it a good think and talk it over with dh. These dc are worth staying strong for! (squishing my smallest as I type)

OP posts:
financialwizard · 20/12/2012 14:03

I can't really offer any more advice but wanted to say you are doing a great Job and that I would definitely be getting myself down to B&Q to change the locks.

NotMostPeople · 20/12/2012 14:08

If the lock is a standard Yale you can easily change the barel for about £5 from any DIY shop.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2012 14:14

I would also seek legal advice from a Solicitor if they attempt to further harrass yourselves.

I would show all incriminating texts to the police particularly if they are in any way offensive. They may well have committed a criminal offense.

You have boundaries in place already re your abusive parents; raise them even higher if you have to. Your main prioity and loyalty is to your own family unit.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 14:15

hi

ive popped up a time or two on the stately threads, but not for quite a while. I recently finished some counselling regards my abusive family, and i had a similar worry to you after i had made some tentative contact with my half brother and then decided to stop contact again.
One thing the counsellor told me to do was rehearse for what to do or say if anyone turned up at my door. even having a "script" by the door for such an eventuality, so that you are not caught off guard.
It hasnt happened but i felt safer knowing what i would do if it did. Try it.
I have had no contact with my mother and half bro for 12 years. i decided to leave it that way in the end.

Lemonylemon · 20/12/2012 14:31

OP: Occasional poster on Stately Homes here.

But, just a general point - why don't you also change your mobile phone number or get their calls barred. You could also change your house phone and don't tell them your new number, or get a new phone with caller ID display.

Also, if you think that they will turn up at your DS's birthday party, could you ask a few friends to act as eyes and ears for you? They could act as unofficial body guards.... Would that work?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 20/12/2012 16:36

i changed my numbers too - problem solved. And when i moved i didnt tell them where i lived, but then when i reestablished contact with half bro he was hell bent on finding out where i lived - i wish id not told him but so far no one has turned up here.
If they did, i have my script at the ready.
if DH was here he would be dealing with them anyway.

Midwife99 · 20/12/2012 16:43

You are being strong! I agree that them having a key must give you alot of anxiety!! I think you should change the relevant lock for peace of mind.

AnAirOfHopeInAManger · 20/12/2012 16:48

I recommend caller id and changing locks as soon as you can.

If they turn up and they dont leave after you have asked them call the police.

Have a scripted by the door and dont open the door to them. You dont have to its your house.

Brew and hand holding

PepperMincePie · 20/12/2012 16:51

Another Stately Homer here, though not posted for an age. Just here to give you a supportive squeeze-you are being strong remember, you are protecting your immediate family and that is what matters.

Also, remember that really, whatever you do in your dealings with your parents, even if it's something relatively mild, they will cast you as the bad guy as they have always done. Sounds like I'm being negative, but actually I found that thought quite liberating! In the end, it's them not you . Hold on to that.