Do you ever worry about your dh dying and how would you cope?

[Revelsarethebest]

Im asking this as im not sure if this is normal...

Since i got with dh, and we became serious, ive worried about him dying and how i would cope.

Im a sahm and financially dependant on dh. Im spending alot of time worrying how i would cope without him in general and finanically if he died.

I worry when he goes out in the car, if he doesnt answer his phone when hes out, i fear hes been in a accident etc

Over the last week or so i ve been having thoughts about what would happen to dd whos 9 weeks old if something happened to me. Obviously dd would be with dh but i worry she wont get the care i give her. (You always feel no one could look after your child better than you.

Do any of you worry about the same things? If so how often do you worry about?

I spend about 2hours a day worrying about this.

Years ago i used to worry about what would happen if my mum died too.

My dad died when i was 9. He was 34 years old. It was due to an accident (not car accident) so maybe this could be why i worry about people dying young.

Hi revels I worry about this kind of thing too - especially me dying and leaving DS (9mo) behind :( I hadn't expected to be anxious about this as a new parent - it just hadn't crossed my mind. I've improved my anxiety over it by telling DH my worry and going through a list of things that would be important to me if I wasn't here, and to double check he'd tell DS that I loved him more than anyone. It sounds very morbid, but knowing that this is 'sorted' has helped a lot.

Your Dad dying at such a young age must have affected you, have you tried counselling for these issues, you never know just a couple of sessions might really help. Anxiety over this kind of thing can really hamper your enjoyment of life IME.

I had couselling for years when younger.

I have a barrier up to protect myself with dh, i try not to get very attached to him incase he dies etc. i keep myself very reserved from people for this reason.

"I spend about 2hours a day worrying about this."

I suggest you talk to your GP. It's normal to plan for bereavement such as making wills and taking out life insurance. It's even normal to have little anxious moments in the day, especially when you're a new parent and responsible for another human being for the first time. It's really not normal to spend two hours a day worrying the way you describe and I think you need some counselling or other treatment to help you get your anxiety under control and relative risks into perspective.

" i try not to get very attached to him incase he dies etc."

You know that's not healthy or normal, yes?

I do worry about the things you mention. I've always been a "worrier" and I think it's partly down to the job I have too (I'm a nurse) I've seen a lot of death and dying over the years. As a consequence I'm very aware of how fragile life is but I do wish I worried about these things less. My dh has a long drive to work every day & I text him every morning to make sure he's arrived safely.

I try not to let my imagination run away with me and worry excessively but it is something I really have to work at to keep in perspective but its not always that easy. I would just suggest that when you feel particularly anxious you try to recognise that it's anxious thoughts you are having and the actual chance of these things happening are really small. Maybe counselling world help especially after the trauma of losing your dad so young? I've often wondered if I should try it or if I just have to put up with being this way...

I often worry about what I'd do without DH. I imagine I'd either move back to my parents' house or, potentially, DH's family might offer me some financial support until I could sort myself out. I often find myself getting as far as wondering about remarriage as a solution to the lack of financial support, not in a marry-any-rich-man sort of way though! Then I feel utterly ridiculous & un-feminist for thinking I'd 'need' a man. I think it's more that I'd really like to be a SAHM & would feel sad if I had to work & have someone else look after my children!

I have had depression & anxiety problems in the past though so that's probably got something to do with it! It's probably worth talking to someone if it's playing on your mind that much though.

I worry occassionally, in a 'would I have to move back in with my mother' type of way - but I do mean occassionally. I really think you need to talk to your GP.

It's really sad that you don't want to be attached to your DH, I worry that you may start to feel like that about your DD if you don't find a way to let go of your fears. Please try and get some real help

I'm wondering if you have some PTSD or similar from your DF dying. Talk to your GP. You do need to sort this out.

You need to talk to your GP about counselling or other help. Worrying about anything for two hours a day is not normal or healthy. You have a new baby, so this is probably a manifestation of post natal depression, and is treatable.

I think most people worry occasionally about what might happen to their families, but mostly we do whatever practical things might help ( sort out a will and life insurance, make sure the car's brake pads are working etc) then stop worrying about things beyond our control and get on with our lives.

Whats ptsd?

Oh yes all the time, I have anxiety too. There is only really DP and I, and the four DCs, our family are really rubbish. DPs parents are both dead, his sister is useless. I haven't spoken to my Mum for 4 years, my Dad is a nightmare and I don't really see my brother. So we are on our own, if DP died I would be right royally screwed, would be on my own with 4 DCs and I'm a SAHM. He does have good life insurance and death in service benefits but they would be of little comfort if he died. He's my partner in every way.

Yes, occasionally the thought of DH dying does keep me awake at night, especially since two friends were widowed suddenly within the same week last year.

I know I am prone to anxiety though, especially when feeling tired, ill or run down.

However, I think that in your case Revels this is interfering with your life and how you are functioning, and I would urge you to speak to your GP as you may have an anxiety condition that could be treated and helped.

This is PTSD. I wonder and I'm not an expert because you had a death, now you worry.

Worry?

Hope more like!

My DH is a Soldier. I do worry, but he is insured enough to pay the mortgage off in full, and another 150k ish to cover anything else.

I was a single parent for many years so am not stressed about juggling work/Life.

However for you I would also recommend going to see your GP. With your history I think it is probably some residual fear from your Fathers accident.

Needssomeperspective

I would NEVER wish my husband harm. He has his faults, hes not perfect, but in alot of ways hes good to me. He can be hard work sometimes but cant we all?

Having read your post from april, your husband is far worse than mine.

In your shoes I would worry because to a degree you are at present dependent on him. If mine died I sometimes thing I'd be better off! Only in a bad day though ;)

Im saving like mad incase something awful happens so i could manage financially for awhile.

I told dh my concerns yesterday and he suggested i learn how to run his business so i could continue it if he did die.

Yes I do. I know I have issues though.

Comes from my own father dying when I was 8 years old, leaving my mum a widow at 31.

I think everyone worries now and then about things like this, but thinking about it for two hours a day is not normal and I think you could do with some help - could you talk to your GP?

On a practical note, can your DH sort out adequate life insurance to at least take away the financial worries?

OP, do something practical rather than worry into the ether.

Life insurance
Wills
Funeral plans
Make sure you know all pertinent details about finances, house, car etc.
Contact numbers and names.

It is very, very unlikely that your DH will die accidentally but everyone should always be prepared.

When my Abusive H was on his deathbed, he said to me 'so, you got what you wanted'

He was actually mistaken, I just wanted him to be reasonable.

Just make sure that the practical stuff is in place especially for the DCs sake, that takes out the worry of fiscal issues - then you can examine the emotional side of possibility of life without someone.

I have managed ok, but then I always continued to work as it gave me my own independence

Definitely make sure that you have enough life insurance to cover the mortgage, funeral etc. Make sure that you know everything about your family's finances and can get at money should you need to.

OP, if your OH does die, you will have to carry on, no doubt about it.

OP, I worry more about what would happen if I die, than if my DH died, but in general I understand the anxiety. (Two women with small children in my sphere of acquaintance recently died of cancer.)

I think some level of worry is natural, particularly as you get older, but if it is taking over too much of your day and preventing you from being fully attached to your DH, then you need some help with these emotions.

I have two friends who have suffered terrible bereavements (not that there's any kind of good bereavement but I mean more than just the expected elderly parent or relative dying). They both find Buddhist teaching/philosophy very helpful, as apparently it teaches that everything is impermanent, and it teaches you ways of connecting whilst being able to let go if necessary.

I often feel this way too, and wetld spend a portion of every day thinking about it. I did read something that described it as being an Anxiety Disorder and that it can cause people to be very stressed, but for me, strangely, it doesn't seem to stress me out.

My biggest fear is car accidents, to the point where if we are in the car (DP driving-and he's a very careful driver which makes it weirder) on a country road I literally imagine a head-on collision with every car that passes. I think of what position I will get into to try and survive, I try and make him drive really close to the side of the road and always tell him if another car is too close just drive into the ditch to be safe. my talking like this freaks him out when driving (understandably). He works about a 10 minute drive away but as he starts/finishes at 5am/midnight (shift work) I am convinced a drunk driver is going to slam into him. I always make him text as soon as he arrives somewhere and I get into a state if he doesn't and I can't get hold of him, and obsessively check online for news of a fatal accident.

I got really upset when he decided to buy a brand new small car rather than an older big (therefore IMO safe) car. He said the new car was safer.

It's not just about DP either, I'm the same about my parents and myself. I once worked for a year in another part of the UK which meant a flight commuting every Monday and Friday. I'm not an anxious flyer at all, but I would calmly spend the whole flight looking out the window to see where the pilot should crash-land if he had to, eg I'd think "ok, there's a motorway, he could try and land there, the cars should see him coming and brake, and I think the wings are high enough that they won't be ripped off by the central reservation" or "we could land in the sea there, I could swim to the shore from that distance, but would I get my suitcase back?" but again as I say these thoughts don't panic me per say, I feel very calm thinking about it and I don't know why.

DP and I were talking about babies the other night and I said "there are too things you need to consider, one are you ready to have a little person completely dependent on you everyday for X number of years. And two, are you prepared that something might go wrong, eg I might die in childbirth etc and you'll need to do it completely on your own?" He thought that was a really weird thing to say.

I haven't had any trauma that I know of that makes me feel like this. My parents both had cancer when I was a teenager (not at the same time) but they both survived so I'm one of the lucky ones.

I watched one of those Motorway Police programmes about 4 years ago and a lorry driver was looking at his phone and slammed into the back of a queue of stationary traffic, crushing the car of a young girl (who died ) and even crushing those in the car in front of her who just about survived. I think about that accident every single day, how her family and boyfriend were just going about their life on day then bam, everything changes. This did serve to validate my thoughts that it can happen to anyone.

Is it unusual to think such awful things but yet not be stressed out by them?