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Original poster

Alcoholic ex and contact arrangements

33 replies

Llareggub · 18/12/2012 00:13

I separated from my husband in January this year, due to his alcoholism and the impact on our children and an incident of DV last Xmas eve. I have remained in the family home with our sons who are 6 and 3.

He is living with his parents who are very close to our sons. During the last year, my ex has continued to drink and has been in rehab once and hospital twice. He was running a business, has accrued debts and is now working for another company having lost the business. I work full time about have found a part time job in a much cheaper area, allowing me to significantly reduce my living costs. This is partly to be close to my family but also to allow me to be financially secure if he dies.

The boys are due to spend the holidays with me and my family and I had told him he could have the children this weekend. He spends no time unsupervised with them. However I discovered today he has been drinking and has also started smoking cannabis.

I am now of the mind that the children should not have any contact with him until I am sure he is sober and clean. He was on Prozac but has stopped taking it. He says he is also suicidal.

Can I prevent him from seeing the children? We have agreed our financial separation but not contact although they have been seeing him very other weekend. I really want him out of the picture until I know he is sober.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:19

You can do anything you like at this juncture. Let him take you to court...but I doubt very much he would do that.

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 00:23

I think I have lost perspective on what is reasonable. I want to do what is best for the children, not punish him. I guess I need to hear from others that my view is correct, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:27

It would not be punishing him. He is punishing himself by making it impossible for you to let your kids see him unsupervised.

Again, he is making it your fault and you have to be very careful you are not letting him do so.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:28

Is there still an option that you drop the kids off with their grandparents, and they would support you in not letting him take them off somewhere (since he is currently still abusing alcohol and drugs)

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 00:35

Part of the problem is that his parents knew he was drinking again and didn't tell me. When the boys are with him our 3 year old sleeps in his bed (as he does with me) and I am very unhappy about it given that he is drinking again. I suspect they have misled me on purpose as they don't want to not see the boys. I could ask them to come here for a few hours I guess. I don't want my ex around at all.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:42

Ah, I see. I misunderstood. If the gp's have been colluding with him, that is a very different story and you must not trust them to do the right thing.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 00:47

You know you need to protect your children. You know he is drinking, suicidal and using drugs and his parents have lied to you.

it's a no-brainer, love

He forfeits any rights to see his children under these circumstances, and in fact needs reminding that the rights of the children not to be exposed to behaviour like this certainly supersede his thoughts on the matter

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 01:42

Thank you. That helps, it does.

OP posts:
Letsmakecookies · 18/12/2012 10:26

I think you need to get your lawyer involved in this. Your DCs dad is not capable of looking after your children properly, and you know all too well that you can't trust his parents. The lies and denial - they are all part of that merry go round, and they are just as affected by his drinking as he is. Minimum your x should not be sleeping in the same bed as the 3 year old.

My xMIL told he firmly on the phone that her son was no longer drinking, when I during a conversation mentioned that he had been off his face when talking to the children one afternoon. The drinker is enormously talented at hiding and lying (remember how they fooled us too at one point), and the enablers are wearing blinkers.

A friend I met at Al Anon was an absolute saint to her x. She would drive their DC to see him, and stay to supervise. She wanted them to have a relationship desperately, and he was often not sober so she could not trust him. She had no one else who could shoulder that responsibility, and he was liable to not be alive for long as his health had been strongly affected.

As my x has shown no interest in seeing his children for a long time, I am a few steps behind having to make the decision you are making now, and it is so hard. But I agree with AF you need to do whatever you have to to ensure your children are safe and so that you feel comfortable. You have no need to feel guilt or to listen to his perception of what is right and just.

Your ex is an addict, an alcoholic, and a suicidal depressive. He forfeits all parental rights until he sobers up and sorts his shit out. If he wants to see his children, you would be within your rights to insist it happens at a contact centre.

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 19:24

Thanks guys. I have made the call to my solicitor today and she has talked me through the process. I am due to move 150 miles at the end of January and I am going to use the Christmas holidays to make it happen sooner. I am struggling to cope here on my own.

You really have helped, thank you. When I move I am going to find an al anon group to attend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 19:26

Oh, and I blew my top with my ex FIL this evening too and told him all the things I have kept myself, like how his son tried to run me over last Xmas eve and how my jaw hasn't been the same since he pushed me over.

I feel a bit tearful now. I can't wait for 2013 and our new start.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 20:45

aw, sweetheart, what a day !

have a little cry and then feel proud of yourself for taking control of the situation

what a brilliant mother you are x

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 20:59

Sob. For a fucker you are really quite lovely.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:24
Smile

Here's to 2013. Lucky for some !

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 18/12/2012 21:47

You're doing fine, honestly. Things will get better, particularly with a bit of distance. Best of luck.

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 22:46

Thanks. I do feel very overwhelmed by it all. I have a new job, house, a new life really waiting and I feel like I need it now. I don't want to wait any longer for it.

But there is so much to do, and I feel so angry that my twat of an ex has just opted out of responsibility for our boys. What an arse. I feel very guilty for actually wanting him out full stop. I feel guilty about enjoying myself with my new chap who is lovely and kind and as much as I want to cry on his shoulder I think I shouldn't either.

I think I am wittering now.

OP posts:
snoopdogg · 18/12/2012 22:55

Well done, lady, onwards and upwards, as someone said x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 22:56

Witter away.

But try to take one step at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Or summat Smile

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 23:03

I feel so helpless here. When I move I will be financially free and will have the support and help from my family. It is so close now but so far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 23:06

I am having a wobble I think. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression last month but felt so strong up until October. My plans to move were in response to the depression and I have felt so much better after I made plans to move. It has been a whirlwind of emotions as I feel guilt and excitement about the move.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 23:08

Is it like that "buyer's remorse" thing ?

You make a big purchase, like a car, and you have the last minute wobbles. You know you need the car, you know you can afford it, you know it's the right model and type for you, but you always have that little inner voice saying "but what if...."

It passes. Push on through, step by step.

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 23:24

Yes could be that. I think also I have made myself out to be strong and capable so people have taken my word for it. Trouble is I don't really feel so styrong anymore.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 23:28

Strong is as strong does (I am full of cliches tonight Smile )

Fake it till you make it...there's another one

You have come an awfully long way since this time last year. Imagine being back there. That's not going to happen because of you

Remember that

Original poster
Llareggub · 18/12/2012 23:41

Blimey I could never be as bad again as the year younger me who cried on the headmaster, poor frightened soul. I fake it really well.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 23:43

Hey, it's all part of the job for him Smile