Alcoholic ex and contact arrangements

[Llareggub]

I separated from my husband in January this year, due to his alcoholism and the impact on our children and an incident of DV last Xmas eve. I have remained in the family home with our sons who are 6 and 3.

He is living with his parents who are very close to our sons. During the last year, my ex has continued to drink and has been in rehab once and hospital twice. He was running a business, has accrued debts and is now working for another company having lost the business. I work full time about have found a part time job in a much cheaper area, allowing me to significantly reduce my living costs. This is partly to be close to my family but also to allow me to be financially secure if he dies.

The boys are due to spend the holidays with me and my family and I had told him he could have the children this weekend. He spends no time unsupervised with them. However I discovered today he has been drinking and has also started smoking cannabis.

I am now of the mind that the children should not have any contact with him until I am sure he is sober and clean. He was on Prozac but has stopped taking it. He says he is also suicidal.

Can I prevent him from seeing the children? We have agreed our financial separation but not contact although they have been seeing him very other weekend. I really want him out of the picture until I know he is sober.

Oh I recognise the feeling of bursting into tears walking down the street, been there done that, but I love that you did that on the heads shoulder . Just remember that every time you feel any guilt. Just think that time is over now!! I now feel so much relief and happiness when I stop to think about what my life was like a year ago, and gratefulness that I am no longer in an alcoholic relationship.

Of course it has been difficult coping on your own. But the move is just round the corner. Just think of all the stress you have been under for so long. Having anxiety and depression is all part of the particular situation you were in, and you are now letting yourself unwind from that emotionally hyped up survival state you have lived in for so long, it is not surprising your emotions are taking a bit of time to catch up. Removing yourself from the situation will help you heal.

I remember what it was like playing the waiting game, and it is hard. But it will whizz past, and SGB is right - distance and time will heal you (albeit slowly). If you feel guilty just acknowledge the feeling and let it pass, you are doing the absolutely right thing, and guilt has no useful purpose here. You are not excluding your ex, he has done that quite nicely all by himself. Disease or no, people are responsible for their own behaviour. And you deserve happiness and love now.

You are strong. You have survived and taken control of your life and your future .

You articulate it so well. I can you have been there and I am so grateful you have shared this with me.

I spent an hour with my director at work today. It felt so good to share with her the truth of my situation. She told me what an exciting time I have ahead and it is true.

I went on the al anon website last night and took some of their advice on board, particularly the bit about not finding happiness through others. I think I might have been trying to do this on my new relationship and I need to keep repeating the mantra I had in the beginning,which was that only I could give me and my sons the exceptional life we deserve.

I am going to keep repeating it.

I have written down the quotes: Be with someone who makes you happy! and One life, live it! (I saw the last one on a white van's bumper sticker driving past me one day!)

When I am feeling down, I just imagine my future the way it can be now, and the future I could have had had I stayed with my ex. My future now is scary, but it is so exciting. I don't have that heavy weight pushing down on me any more.

I get what you are saying too about being scared you are expecting other people to make you happy, instead of finding it through yourself. I think it is a little bit of that codependency that you get embroiled in when you live with an alcoholic, or probably any dysfunctional relationship. You live so much for this crazy insane hope and fantasy and get so embroiled in someone else's drama, that you forget you can make yourself happy.

I like those quotes. I might add them to my 2013 diary :-)

Hi Llarebug, just wanted to say hi, you have been kind to me in the past about my similar situation. Just wanted to say I think you sound like you have coped amazingly well, you have a lot on your plate but just think how far you have come. I don't know what you have decided to do re. contact but it sounds like you have been let down badly by your in laws (as well as your DH of course). I'd be tempted to keep any visits short and maybe just during the day, like an outing somewhere instead of overnights. Anyway best of luck with your plans for the new year and I hope your and your boys manage to have a good Christmas.

Llareggub, even!

Thanks, that's kind of you to say. I think those of us in this situation are best placed to support of each other. There are lots of us around and there is no need to face it alone.

I already feel stronger for being away for a few days. My boys haven't mentioned daddy and they still don't know he is in hospital. He is in a psychiatric hospital and going through detox again.

I have had a conversation with my 6 year old about how there will be peopel drinking alcohol over Christmas and how most people can drink sensible amounts and that's ok. He asked me why daddy can't and I explained that it was a bit like being allergic to something. I need to help my children have a normal perspective about drinking. They have had such a terrible introduction to it. They found the empties (lots and lots) hidden in the garage, garden and shed and even found some in their laundry basket. I dont want them to worry if they see people drinking the odd drink around them.