Trying again?

[BitOfACyclePath]

I posted a few weeks ago but asked for thread to be removed due to too many personal details.

Basically my daughter was being violent to me. My husband went in to the living room while I calmed her down. Got her calm and she went in to the living room with me behind her. She walked towards my husband with her arm raised to hit him. I didn't see what happened next but the next thing I knew she was lying on the floor screaming.

Daughter says she was pushed by my husband. Husband says (and maintains) that she tripped over his feet.

I told him to get out the house. I took my daughter to A&E and they said she had soft tissue damage to her foot but couldn't say how it happened.

Social services got involved and came out to see me and my daughter. I was told not to let husband have contact with daughter which I have complied with.

3 weeks on myself and husband have had time to talk and sort things out between us. He has agreed to go on any course and take any action deemed necessary by social services to get our family back on track.

My daughter is having a hell of a time. She's missing her 'daddy' so much. She's waking in the night shouting for him, crys most days asking when he's coming home.

I phoned social work today to ask what steps I could take to have him back in the family home. They are coming out on Wednesday to talk to myself and my husband about everything.

Obviously if they say its my kids or my husband there is no contest my kids are my priority but I'm hoping that they can see what good parents we are (never had any involvement before) and let us be a family again.

Sorry for the epic post and not sure what I want people to say just wanted to get this off my chest.

Should also say husband had been living in a flat share 40 miles away from family home for last 2 and a half weeks. He was in a hotel for 3 nights after I told him to go.

Do you think he hurt her or was it an accident?

How old is your DD?

sorry if this was on the earlier thread but how old is your daughter?

x posts

who do you genuinely believe OP? your daughter (who was being violently behaved) or your husband?

Daughter is 7 and violence is part of her disabilities. She does have a tendency to stretch the truth. She tripped over my feet once before and blamed me when i hadn't moved an inch! She accuses me of grabbing her when all I am doing is brushing her hair. She's accused her brother of pushing her before when I actually saw what happened - she went to hit him, he put his hands up to save his face and she said he pushed her. I believe the scenario with her brother could be what has happened with my husband.

She is in clothes for a 13-14 year old and when she hits you it's like being hit by a grown woman. I am ashamed to say I have had my jaw fractured by my own daughter when she kicked me in the face so hard I threw up with the pain. If she is coming for you, you get the hell out of there into another room and put some distance between you til she is calm. If you have no time too move, put your hands up to protect your face.

"She does have a tendency to stretch the truth. "

If you mean she lies, say she lies. All of you have been accused of harming her, by the sound of it, and yet you've kicked out your husband? She may be having a 'hell of a time' but what about your husband who is now being accused of child abuse and domestic violence?

Is there any way your DD can be sedated for her own and everyone else's safety?

So your violent daughter who lies about being pushed, you didn't see what happened, but you kicked your husband out of the house and told the hospital and social services that he hurt her?

I know you can't make me feel any worse than I do believe me I just meant to temporarily put some distance between them so I could sort out what happened etc. then social services got involved cause I had to take her to A&E with pain in her foot and it escalated from there.

By stretching the truth I mean she sees things how she sees it even if it didn't happen that way and we know it didn't happen that way. So technically lying yes but I don't think she sees it as lying if that makes sense?

No I didn't tell them he hurt her!! My daughter told them her version of events and I told them what my husband had said. They chose to believe my daughter and wouldn't listen to me about everything I've put above.

Jesus, BitOf, what a nightmare.

Is there any issue with your relationship with your husband?

Or is this more a SN problem with your daughter?

In your husband's position I would be very wary if going home under the present circumstances.

A child who will lie and accuse you of physical abuse when SS are inclined to believe them is very worrying.

No issues with my relationship with my husband at all.

I understand what you are saying. If I was in my husbands position I would be so wary of returning too. Social services will hopefully help us although I seriously have my doubts as they are only interested in what my daughter has to say and not what myself and husband have to say.

Social work have been involved since by daughter was little (disabilities team) they have seen some of what we get put through. She has been referred to CAMHS for her violence and I went on courses to learn how to deal with her when she is being violent. She then was signed off again when it seemed to be under control (she hadn't hit for 6 weeks) although I begged them to keep her on their books as I knew if would kick off again. She's been this way for years and its only getting harder the bigger and stronger she gets.

If we progress to husband returning to family home we are going to be constantly living on edge terrified to even restrain her for her and our safety in case she tells social work we have hurt her.

I am confused why SS have told you he can not see her if they are aware of the situation and I am confused as to why you put him out, because of this.

When she accused you of assaulting her did you put distance between yourself and her?

I think to get over this and make you family work is going to be difficult. Alot of the care, discipline and restraining of your dd will fall to you for a long time. SS need to believe that she interprets things differently.

What if he moves back and she accuses him again? Or accuses you and you end up being charged with child abuse?

SS have to be made aware that your DD lies because it's really not right that your DH is barred from his own home and feels he'd be 'living on edge' just because of the say-so of a 7yo that can't - for whatever reason - differentiate between fact and fantasy. You've got multiple examples of her behaviour, he needs the same training as you on how to cope with her violence, and SS have to be in a position of fully supporting both parentsr rather than taking a child on face-value.

Is she on any medication?

Yes when she accused me I went out for a few hours which is all I meant to happen with my husband but because she needed to go to hospital social services were informed immediately.

That is what we are both terrified of all the what ifs.

No they won't medicate her as she doesn't have ADHD, autism etc. she has a chromosome disorder so rare there are less than 100 people in the world with it. There is not much known medically about it so they don't know how to deal with her.

With any medical problem - especially one that is relatively unknown - it's a question of trial and error i.e. If the prescribed treatment isn't solving the problem, try a different treatment. You've had some kind of training to combat the violence but that's obviously not enough because the violence is back & you're now looking at complete family breakdown and a DH on the SS radar as a child abuser. To me that would suggest going back to the doctors as a matter of urgency and getting them to revise the treatment. She may not have ADHD or autism but this doesn't sound like a CAHMS issue or a SS issue. It sounds like sedatives are needed.

I will make a GP appointment and beg for help and if they can't then I will ask to be referred to someone who can.

Don't 'beg' just insist on a treatment plan. She's currently on treatment plan 'A' and it's not only spectacularly ineffective, it's breaking up your family and putting your DH on the wrong side of the criminal law. So you challenge the GP (or specialist) to come up with treatment plan 'B' urgently... and get some idea of how will you know if treatment plan 'B' is working, what timeframe to review the effects etc? If 'B' isn't effective move to 'C'. And so on until you find the combination of therapies, medication and assistance that means your DD is stabilised.... and keep reviewing as she gets older.

I don't have a SN child but I had a very sick DS many years ago who wasn't getting any better. This is essentially how I had to approach it.... challenge, insist, review... challenge, insist, review...

I vaguely remember your previous thread (I only ever remember things vaguely!). Posters were far more inclined to suggest DH move out on that one, either because he was being sneakily violent or because he found DD hard to cope with. But I'm pretty sure that's because you yourself were more inclined to believe DD at the time, at least that's how it read; I certainly got the impression DH had always found her hard to cope with. However, on this thread you have come down far more in favour of DH being the truthful party. Is it because you have had time to think about it and realise he is probably innocent after all? Did you previously lash out in a panic at the thing you could change, rather than your DD who you can't, by sending DH away? Or is he in fact a bit less good with her than you're implying here, but the fact she misses him so much has made you gloss over the reason you didn't want to believe him the first time?

I'm not surprised SS believe the child in the face of the evidence, mind you, as the quality of local SS can be quite... variable ( though some are brilliant). But I would expect CAMHS to be helpful. This might be due to my own experience though, as ours are lovely.

Don't answer if you find those questions impertinent.

Hmm, took so long before posting that I see you've answered some of it already. My apologies.

You talk a lot of sense thank you.

I seem to hit brick walls whenever I ask the doctors or specialists to do anything for her. Her whole life I have been fighting first for diagnosis and then for help. It's been a hell of a fight but I'm not done yet. I need to do this for my daughter and for my family.

I really dont know what to advise, but I do feel very sorry for your husband in this situation. I get the feeling that deep down you know he is completely innocent in all of this, given your daughters history.

I agree with everything that CogitO has posted.

That's it exactly I took him out of the situation to deal with my daughter who I can't change. After thinking through everything I believe my husband to be innocent and the scenario was like the situation with her brother that I posted earlier.