Whatever MN ladies decide i should do..i will do. Suck it up or be "ill" to avoid. You decide lovely ladies..

[nananaps]

I literally cannot stand my FIL. Cant stand the sight of the man, think its mutual although he isnt bothered in the least like i am.
(Loads of reasons)
BUT
Of course we have all been invited for lunch on NYD. BIL lives with FIL and has given us the invite.
BIL is lovely, DH has says yes we will be there.

The thought of spending any time with this man makes my foot twitch, painfully.

SO, suck it up and go, its only an afternoon, or (at 35 weeks pregnant, High BP, constant back pain, hip pain, and innability to fit behind an average table) go?

Majority will rule

Be ill, avoid.

How can I be projecting when I don't know her? You can't come onto Mumsnet, ask for advice and then when someone (and I'm not the only one to suggest you go) looks at it from a different angle and suggests a different approach, accuse them of trying to project guilt onto you.

Why would I do that?

I see the situation differently from the OP. I would see it from her husband and BILs perspective. I get that she doesn't agree with me.

I'm not as hard-hearted as some of you. If you see that as a projection of guilt then it says more about you. If someone is doing the right thing then there should be no guilt anyway.

If the OP had already made up her mind she shouldn't have asked for opinions. Those like me, who took the time to look at the situation differently and offer a different approach were clearly wasting their time. The OP just wanted sympathy it seems. Fair enough, but she should have said so and then I could have skipped the thread and saved my views.

On a rough head count it's 12-7 in favour of staying home, with a few, like me and Allergic, dancing around the sidelines being silly, so you can't in all fairness say she ignored opinions - although to be equally fair, it was quite clear that "stay" was the answer she wanted to hear.

13-7.

I think you should go.

Your lovely BIL lives with FIL. You only have to see him every now and then. Most of us have family members we can't stand. We get on with them as best we can.

If you hate him, then it doesn't matter what he says about anything, or what he thinks of you. You hate him anyway, why would you care?

I was working on the additional information she gave which stated that her MIL died earlier this year. So it's their first Christmas without her.

My assumption was that her husband and BIL might be appreciative of her support at this time.

Her reply was that they could support themselves and she had her high blood pressure to think of. Fair enough but that makes it quite clear that she had no intention of going. It's a one-sided argument anyway. She's hardly going to say anything positive about her FIL if it sways people the other way.

It's not projecting if you look at the situation from a different angle with the new info she gave about her MIL. It's just not what she wanted to hear.

Cliff, hardly anyone ever takes my advice on MN either. You have to give it with no expectations

I think you should go - sorry OP. I feel sorry for your BIL, and I think if you stay home, you won't change anything for yourself in the future. If you go, and as AF suggests, you call FIL on his rudeness, it might make things more bearable in the future.
I do think SirCliff has a point. Staying home isn't at all cowardly, when you're pregnant and have high BP etc, but if your DH and BIL are bereaved, they might value your support in dealing with tricky FIL.

Can you go for a short time? Watch tv / play board games to avoid conversation?

I wouldn't go. I'd invite BIL to ours.

But that's recent. I went to see my grandmother till last year, knowing it would be hell, and then last year she looked at me like she wanted me to fall into a big hole in the ground and never come back, and I took that as a hint that she really doesn't like me very much either.

I won't be going this year. I'll send a card and present via my folks. But no way will I go to her house. It just makes us both very unhappy and angry.

And FWIW, I think accusations of projection are a) unfair conjecture and b) a bit moot. Opinions always have context, but that doesn't stop them being an opinion. And that's what the OP asked for!

Pregnant women should never be upset by anyone, but anyway back to the real world

It also depends how far you need to travel IMO. If it was brief travelling time (under 40 minutes), arrive late, leave early, spend time only talking to nice people, avoid yuk person.

What do you WANT to do?!

Mmm, I was going to say don't go but your mil dying this year makes me think you should go.

Do you have to go far? Could you not, in advance, say that you'll come for x number of hours but that you need to rest?

14-10, and two more on the fence.

Oh god, don't go.

I'm actually surprised so many people think you should.

If more people avoided the awful fuckers in the world and let them feel the natural consequences of being awful fuckers, the world would be a better place.

As for supporting your DH and BIL -- well personally, if I had to spend time with a horrible family member, the last thing I would want to do is drag DH along and make him suffer as well. Especially if he was already not 100%.

Actually, I will admit that I'm projecting in saying don't go.

There are a lot of horrible people in my family, but I was raised with the idea that I should ignore it and still spend time with them because they're family.

But as an adult, I've come to believe that really that's total bullshit.

It's just enabling behaviour that allows people to continue being alcoholics and abusers and racists, gah, just awful.

It's one thing if the guy just has some annoying habits, but if he's as awful as you are implying, then fuck it.

Have you heard of the book "The No Arsehole Rule? It applies the rule to the corporate environment, but I think it should apply to life in general.

Don't.go.

I wouldn't go if I were highly pregnant with potential health issues.

Yes it's very sad that MIL died this year but surely the health of your child must take priority, and as you say you are pretty close with high BP then stress isn't ideal for you OR the baby.

What's the score now Annie?

I'm with SanityClause, I'd go. It can only affect your BP if you let it, rise above it & support your DH & BIL.
As Sanity says your poor BIL has to put up with FIL all year round would it kill you to deflect some of the attention for an afternoon?

However I think you'd made your mind up before you started the thread TBH, a less disingenuous thread premise would have been better.

I think you should go.

To support your DH, if for nothing else.

Thanks everyone.

Good to sound off and get alternative views.

They only live about 20 minutes from us, but we never see them normally.

FIL isnt irritating, he isnt nasty with comments, he isnt annoying he is a self centred, selfish arsehole of a man who made MIL's life that of a dogs life with the things he did and got away with for years and years and years.
He put her through hell over and over and over without consequence and without remorse or concience.

Im going to see how i feel on the day, its kinda what i am doing now as im having good days & bad days. (when i posted i was having a bad day)

If im not too bad, i will go but only for a couple of hours as many of you have suggested.

Im vegie too, and they are serving Pork and will pile it on for me (Bowk).

BIL actually does not put up with very much with fil, especially since mil died, he just wont tolerate any crap at all from him. Bless him, he doesnt have to stay living there. He is more tolerant than i would be.

Again, thanks every one x