Whatever MN ladies decide i should do..i will do. Suck it up or be "ill" to avoid. You decide lovely ladies..

[nananaps]

I literally cannot stand my FIL. Cant stand the sight of the man, think its mutual although he isnt bothered in the least like i am.
(Loads of reasons)
BUT
Of course we have all been invited for lunch on NYD. BIL lives with FIL and has given us the invite.
BIL is lovely, DH has says yes we will be there.

The thought of spending any time with this man makes my foot twitch, painfully.

SO, suck it up and go, its only an afternoon, or (at 35 weeks pregnant, High BP, constant back pain, hip pain, and innability to fit behind an average table) go?

Majority will rule

Oh yes, SirCliff

I wasn't advocating starting shirty arguments

The quizzical look and "why would you do that?" or "that seemed un necessarily hurtful" is very, very effective

No don't go.

I will be 35 weeks pregnant New Year (or 36 I've lost count but anyway...) I am going to stay on the sofa with left over selection boxes sorry kids and a DVD (I've ordered myself an old bbc version of Merlin with Helena Bonar Carter in yay) with one of those crappy sports direct freebie huge mugs full of tea. Hopefully wearing new Christmas pjs if I have any.

We could make it all Christmasy yes...we could put tinsel around the spade handle.

Its not shitty remarks, he will make honestly, its all the shitty stuff he has done over the years. Plus this will be the 1st Christmas without MIL being there, as she died last Feb. Feel somewhat obliged for lovely DH and BIL.

Gahhhh

Stay at home. Fuck the old fart; life is too short to put up with horrible people

And BTW the term 'man up' makes my teeth itch - no offence Mariah

I think you should go. If BIL hates him too then you are all on the same side, your poor BIL is probably desperate for some company!

I cannot understand this idea that prevails on MN that inlaws don't count as family and that a DH should go and see them alone. I have never met anyone where this happens in RL (except with my bitch of a SIL).

Alibaba so you don't mind calling your 'family' member a bitch then?

I hate the man so much, i would never class him as being my family, and my family are all barking mad who i also avoid. (a whole other thread).

Looks like i will be staying at home.
Now, how to tell DH???

rockin - not at all! She has decided we are shit on her shoe, so fuck her frankly.
She and my bro separated earlier in the year and we all danced for joy, but apparently they are giving things another go. So we will attempt to tolerate her through gritted teeth.

I agree with Mariah "I htink part of being a parent is modelling good behaviour wrt in laws."

Remember - you will be an IL one day......

It will hurt..
being pregnant you can't even get plastered merry.
Stay home with a big box of chocolates.

Just "I'm really not feeling great, dear, I would be much more comfortable at home. Don't worry, I'll be fine, but I promise I'll call you if I feel worse. Give my love to BIL, and please try not to kill your father, the police take a dim view of these things."

Stay home, feet up: this is the year you can opt out.

IL's don't magically deserve you to bend to their whims just because you're connected by marriage. Sounds as if normally you play by the rules and are courteous so I think you've earned a break!

Besides you have the perfect excuse and I don't really think it is just an excuse - more a valid reason (feeling knackered and unwell due to pg).

You might find you miss your DH and BIL and the post-lunch "I can't believe he said that!" discussion though!

"Remember - you will be an IL one day......"

Yeah, but if you were that sort of IL you would jolly well deserve to be avoided. The answer is not to be a reprehensible excuse for a human being, then you don't get lonely.

Partridge i could never ever ever come close to being the c**nt that this man has been all of his life.
I aim to be a helpful, kind and loving mil as i would have loved mine to have been to me.

Unfortunately..or fortunatley i have lots of experience of how NOT to be with both of our families. SO i have the determination to be a good PIL.

Well. I would go.

This is not about him. This is about your husband and your BIL who both lost their mother this year.

They have no choice but to deal with him. You can walk away, they cannot, he is their father.

This year will be really hard for them. Even your hated FIL might find things difficult and might himself be feeling vulnerable.

Please go. Support your husband and your BIL. It's not fair to make them go through this difficult patch on their own. And it's equally a bit crass to let a bunch of strangers on the internet decide this for you. It's a bit cowardly in fact, sorry.

Their mother died. This is their first Christmas without her. You are only being asked to give up a few hours of your time to support them.

Congratulations on being determined not to carry on the vicious circle.

Don't effin' go !!! as the majority of posters are saying stay in the warm and RELAX while you can

TBF i did offer for them to come here, we would have cooked for them, but they declined. Wanted to be at home they said. I thought it would be nice for them to not be at home and to be a bit pampered, but understand why they want to be home.

FIL couldnt give a fig about MIL dying, BIL and DH obviously different.

We have a planned rememberance get together the week after new year as thats MILs birthday, with wider family, so its not like we are not doing anything.

They dont see it as marking an occasion, just a lunch really, which is why i am reluctant to spend more time than is neccissary with fil.

You need to talk to your dh and your BIL. They obviously want to spend that time at home with their father otherwise they would have taken you up on their offer. It's important to them to be at home.

They might not mind if you stay away as they might see it as a private interaction between them and their father. Or they might be really glad of your support.

You say it means nothing to them but it does. Otherwise why arrange it? It's their first Christmas without their mum. His first without his wife. Whatever you think about him not giving a fig, that might not quite be true. When your life partner dies, it's bound to affect you in some way.

Don't let strangers decide this for you. Talk to your dh and do the best thing for him. Your dh and your BIL need your support. Be there for them at least.

Some pretty heavy-duty guilt-trippin' going on there

They can support each other, ive got my BP and health of my baby to think of.
Its difficult to put myself into a situation that will make my blood boil when i have pre eclampsia looming.

DH always went to his parents at new year, i always worked it, this year i will be off (Mat leave will be starting) Think they have invited me because they know i am off.

Seriously, FIL couldnt give a rats arse about mil dying, he doesnt have any feeling in his bones for anyone but him self.

DH knows my feelings, as does BIL, they feel similarly to me. DH is a little more tolerant than me.
Its a sad sad thing to believe that no one can stand you, all the family feel the same about this man.

Sounds like you already had your mind made up so why ask?

Those are my thoughts. I think at Christmas everyone deserves a bit of kindness and we all have to tolerate some family members that we normally can't stand.

If it were me, I'd go for your husband and BIL, not for him.

You asked for opinions. That's just mine based on what you've said so far. But as with all opinions you are welcome to just ignore it. It makes no odds to me.

Thanks Cliff, you have actually helped me make up my mind definitively.

Kindness to me is a one off this year! Normally work around the family and my work, this year its going to be worked around me and what i need!!

One year isnt too much to ask!

Good idea nananaps.

I get the impression SirCliff is projecting a little perhaps.

I really want to know what makes this man so awful? Not that I am doubting you! I'm just incredibly nosy!