Not sure I really like my DP...

[TrippleBerryFairy]

All he does seems to irritate me so I will just put the long list and see what mn verdict is going to be.

• Does minimal amount of cleaning around the house
• Gets angry easily
• Gets angry when driving - I don't like when he drives. Apparently every other drivers are idiots and are deliberately in his way. Yeah right...
• No sex life (he's addicted to porn, I wouldn't care if there was a sex life at all but there isn't so I'm pissed off. I'm size 10-12 and feel unwanted/undesirable/ugly and old as a result)
• He sneezes and coughs without covering his mouth - f*ing drives me insane and I have to remind him almost every time (he's getting a bit better with this one though). Like a f*ing filthy teen.
• Cuts his toenails and places them on our coffee table (throws in the bin afterwards but seeing it is yuck - I do mine in the bathroom, why can't he?..)
• Does not have a shower/bath every day. Sometimes he can go some 3 days between washing himself. Yuck.
• Does not clean his teeth before going to bed. Yuck, again.
• Does not clean his teeth before going out to socialise. There were occassions of him having a bad breath as a result and me being ashamed of him because of that.
• Never checks if the front door is locked before going to bed. Is known to have left his car unlocked overnight on a few occasions. Idiotic if you ask me.
• Talks loudly quite often (I'm sensitive to loud sounds esp when tired and told him so on many many occassions)
• rolls over in bed like a whale - the whole bed is moving up and down and it wakes me up
• When having bath splashes water all around the bath and leaves it there (for me to clean I guess?..)
• Gets angry when I get annoyed/angry with him because of any of the above.

I willl stop here...

Why are you with someone you don't like? This isn't fair to either of you.

If you aren't happy then end it.

It's your life, take control of it.

Because we have a DS?
Because financially we are good together?
Because there isn't a good enough reason to break up and I know he wouldn't want it?
Because I want it to work?
Because I don't know if I'm right to turn DS's life upside down just because he irritates me?

Well suck it up then. But sad for both of you, and your son. If I didn't like and respect someone that would be the absolute clearest reason not to be with him.

You wanna live like this ?

Go for it

Just don't expect anyone here to rubber stamp it

He sounds like the worst sort of inadequate cock. Good luck with swallowing your disgust of him. Personally, I would just get rid of someone I had so little respect for.

What's the thing that gets to you the most? That's quite a long list and it feels like everything about him is getting on your nerves but that his lack of help around the house, his anger and lack of sex are the main issues. Do you agree? Everything else is following on from your major issue, if that makes sense.

Is there anything about him you like, apart from the finances?

Leaving the door unlocked is not idiotic by the way, I do it all the time, it's called forgetfulness. And it's not his fault he has a loud voice.

mozarela My wife also did not like few of things you mentioned and tbh she was mostly right.But, the way she pointed out really pissed me off. We came from similar backgrounds and brought up and every time she pointed out something bluntly, I took it as a personal insult hence it always proved counterproductive. What I would have liked was that she talked to me calmly later on and explained to me how she felt about this stuff. I am not condoning any of things he does, just sharing my experience, perhaps it could help.

Because there isn't a good enough reason to break up You mean none of the above are any good or are you duty bound not to break up because you know he wouldn't want it?

I'm at a loss to know why you've posted here. Maybe you should try AIBU to ascertain whether anyone shares your opinion that you should stay with him?

Btw, if he doesn't grow up to be a chip off the old block, your ds is likely to be conflicted by the lack of respect you clearly have for his df and this may lead to him finding himself in a series of abusive relationships.

there isn't a good enough reason to break up and I know he wouldn't want it

There is a good enough reason. You loathe this man based on your above post. So why would you care what HE wants? Staying with someone you can't stand who irritates you to death purely for the finances is madness in my book.

Because financially we are good together?

I actually feel quite sorry for your DP.

None of the things you have listed are exactly crimes or even sins. They are normal human failings, minor irritations.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself what kind of person stays with someone they can't stand for financial reasons?

Anger-management issues, aggressive driving, doesn't pull his weight around the house, no good in bed (not that you'd want to have anything to do with someone who hardly ever washes or brushes his teeth)...minor irritations?
He sounds horrible. Any one of those is a perfectly good enough reason to break up, regardless of what he wants.

You can easily get better than this. This man is a pig. Do you want to spend the next 10, 20 years living like this? In fact, it won't even be as good as this in a year's time, because things will get progressively worse and you'll loathe him more and more as the years go on.

By staying in this crap relationship, what are you teaching your DS about relationships, happiness, love, self-worth and how to treat a partner?

My husband and I read "the five love languages." I think it's really revealing and can be very helpful in understanding your mate and them understanding you. It helps zero in on things most important and why you (and they) react to things the way you/they do.

For instance, I'm a "words of praise" love language (he's acts of service). So even if he cleaned the house (act of service), held my hand in public (physical affection), sent me flowers (gifts), etc... if he NEVER told me he was proud to be with me or that I was smart or whatever, the other things wouldn't matter as much, I still wouldn't feel loved.

It might help you to express to him top five things you need him to do to make you happy (then you really do have to overlook some stuff../emo/te/1.gif.). Perhaps it's worth a try?

mozarela...am coming at this from a completely different angle here, but is there any chance that your DP is suffering (even slightly) from depression...just thinking about the lack of personal care, anger issues and low energy?

All ye who are trying read all sorts into his behaviour and urging the OP to consider becoming born again that he may have some previously undiagnosed condition, should take note of what the OP has given as reason No.4 on her list:

No sex life (he's addicted to porn

This tells --the street savvy- it as it is. Once an addict, always an addict, and addicts put satisfying their cravings above all else.

It's probable that his every spare minute is spent indulging his porn habit and he's got no time for inessentials such as bath, teeth cleaning, etc, and would for his absent mindedness while he's reliving the vicarious thrills of watching porn and his short temper when driving as he's in a state of high anxiety until he's sat in front of that screen watching the action again.

mozarela,

re your comment:-
"Because we have a DS?
Because financially we are good together?
Because there isn't a good enough reason to break up and I know he wouldn't want it?
Because I want it to work?
Because I don't know if I'm right to turn DS's life upside down just because he irritates me?"

Nothing there about you actually loving and respecting each other in that list.

None of the above are good enough reasons to stay within this and you cannot carry a failing relationship on your own (because I want it to work indeed, why exactly?). Why martyr yourself so?. You're basically hanging yourself by your own petard here for thinking such. The main victim of all this is infact your DS because the two adults in his life cannot or will not get their own act together and furthermore stay together causing further damage for their own selfish reasons.

You should not be together. This man has "loser" written all over him.

I wonder what you learnt about relationships when growing up to even begin to tolerate any of this now?.

You have also written about him at considerable length before and you've also had such problems re him for years now.

I appreciate every single reply. I was rather irritated when posted and it shows. I had such a great day today with my little man, he is such a good and funny little soul...

And now I'm sitting here feeling the same irritation as I do some good 70% of the time. He came back home, put DS to bed while I have cleaned downstairs and then jumped out to do some quick shopping... Come back and he's in bed, I can hear the radio and him snoring... We haven't even spoken to each other properly today.

Sorry for being petty but I do have to mention one thing that really pisses me off - he did laudry yesterday and things were still sitting in the machine today. So he comes in, takes it out into a basket but the only thing he hangs properly is his new nice jumper. The rest is left to f*ing rot in the basket. C**k.

I will try and think/reply to all of you, if nothing else it's an exercise for my own benefit as you raised some good points!

AnyFucker - no I don't want to live like this. I can be so happy and relaxed when he is not around and when it's just me and little man. We have fun, we fool around and funnily enough he listens to so much more when I'm relaxed... Coincidentally, DS who is 3.5 says a lot of 'I don't like daddy'/'I love mummy I dont love daddy' and similar... I sometimes wonder if that is just a phase or it's a reflection of something that me or him does?... Partner does play with him but he can also be very stern and rigid, and gets angry easily, perhaps little man is picking up on that, who knows...

PopMusic - what gets me the most is that I get little attention from him. I feel quite lonely sometimes. I feel unseen. This issue has been discussed in relate (yes, we are seeing them although taking a little break at the moment and actually without relate our communication/relationship goes straight down). Just to say I don't think I am needy, I have been on my own for quite some time and can take care of myself but I feel he is not even meeting my basic needs... Sex is not the main issue per se as I am not gagging for it all the time, it's just another way in which he does not give me any attention at all... I just feel lonely. So in this order: 1. Lack of attention, 2. Not helping with house chores 3. Anger. The rest branches off from these 3...

SummerDad - I do exactly the same as your wife. I figure if he is rude enough to cough with his mouth open then he shouldn't find it offensive if I say 'Can you cover yourself please?' or 'cover yourself, it's disgusting!'... He wasn't doing it when we were going out so why does he think it is acceptable now?... How did your wife manage to make you see you're in the wrong? It seems like I'm doing 'nagging' for most of the time... How do I make him wash himself every day, clean his teeth and cover up when sneezing?.. I have been accused of wanting to completely change him so how do I tackle this so that he actually listens?... I appreciate you might not have all the answers...

izzyizzin - will sound very 50's but it's not good enough because he is not a monster, he is not abusing me or DS, he is generous with money and is actually rather loyal... I understand you're at a loss, I posted because I wanted to get it out of my system... You are a wise woman and I appreciate your input. The problem is, for all the things I have listed (and a few I left out) I find him a teeny tiny bit yuck. And intense. And his anger drives me up the wall. All I want is p-e-a-c-e. His anger puts me in a bad place. I am happy when his anger is not around. Like today, me and little man had a blast... I hear what you say about impact that me not respecting DP might have on DS. And I am thinking about it.

sowornout - I am not greedy... I seem to be trying to make up my mind since DS was born though (should I stay or should I go?..)

LessMissAbs - that's what I am thinking at times - nothing from the list is a major sin. If one of them was cheating or abuse I would be long gone. This is what making the decision so difficult, if I leave and life turns to poo then I won't even have a high moral horse to sit on (e.g. it was still right to leave him no matter the consequences).

LesserOfTwoWeevils - you are on the same page with that little niggling thought that tells me 'go go go...'. I myself think that - it's not going to get better, with age hygene tends to go anyways so I will be left with someone who will not look after themselves and I will have to clean after them... I know what I am theaching my DS - that mummy (or women) are there to clear the dishes, to tidy up, to do housekeeping (he never seem his dad cleaning or hoovering so what are the chances he will do that once he's past 12 or so?...)

MayaAngelCool - I believe I can get better than this too... I am not ugly, actually I do get men's attention (which leaves me feeling werd as I see myself as a bit of an ugly ducking anyways and DP's ways don't make me feel any better..).

hrbrandt - my friend mentioned the book too... But we touched on stuff in relate and all the improvements (and yes, there were some!) were only temporary... He doesn't seem to be able to change things permanently...

rosie - it is possible as DP was sexually abused as a teen and I don't think he ever properly resolved that...

izzy (again, I am going down 1 by 1) - I always thought porn addiction is a bit different than any other forms of addiction. As in, you do it if you have a chance but you can be fine if it is not temporarily available. Unlike drug addicts who get physical withdrawal. But perhaps I was wrong?... Maybe his anger stems from the addiction, that is a possibility... I know he used to pretend to have 'a lot of work to do' and go into his office even during weekends and I was pretty convinced at the time it wasn't all about work...

Attila - you are right. The list is all about practicalities. And that's what it is some 70% of the time.
I want it to work because the alternative is the unknown and it's scarry. And it might be full of guilt in case it affects DS badly... But yes, after thinking about it, it is selfish because I want to preserve my belief that I am doing the right thing, aka staying in the relationship.
What I have learned about relatinships in my family?... My mom was always in charge, not because she wanted to but because she had to - my dad probably is an undiagnosed Aspergers - rather associal, he doesn't need people, he loathes cleanliness and has his own excuses for staying dirty (e.g. not brushing teeth preserves the protective layer on them is one of his pearls of wisdom...). My mom 'trained' him but she had to fight hard (and still has to) just to get him in a clean/new/different pair of trousers. He is completely anti-every kind of change, be it something changed in the house or his wardrobe or lifestyle. Always had his little quirks and obsessions be it languages, photography, computers... Emotionally unavailable although intelectually he was a great person to ask questions. You know what, I know my DP is like my dad (except that he can behave in social situations eventhough he loathes them and has anger issues which my dod didn't seem to have. Allthough there is a good possibility mom has shielding us from that side of him).
Attile, I have posted about him before, yes indeed. We have been going to relate since september so I am clinging to a hope that something will change... Flogging a half-dead horse comes to mind? Yes, it's me. I feel I could do with a session of my own because I am not brave enough to bring up the possibility of splitting up with DP... That will hurt him.

P.S. I am sorry this turned out so massive (was kind of therapeutic though)...

Keep posting, love. I have read it all x

mozarela I am having a pretty rough relationship too so I am not sure if I can give you any advice. But, yes I can share my experience and how I felt about certain things. I did not have any hygiene problems at all rather my wife was a bit irritated by my habit of using mouth wash at night :) Due to some hearing problems, I could speak loudly on the phone as I could not really judge. She pointed that out bluntly in front of others and especially her mother. I never liked my MIL as she always manages to find some imperfection in my wife. No wonder, my wife always tried to change in me what did not fit in my MIL's definition of "immaculate". After marriage, I did change myself where I found she was genuinely concerned but I resisted every change which I thought she wanted to look good before her mother. Some changes were forced on me through continual use of days of silent treatment, withdrawal of attention etc. which seem to be effective on the surface but it has damaged our relationship. I am not sure you would like to go down that route.

I totally get you issues about his anger.
Ex was like that and it was exhausting at times.
And not good when it turned to me.

And he was also a slob. He was supposed to have depression, but I don't know anymore.

The laundry issue also resonates.
He'd have one pair of jeans that fit and occasionally do his own laundry with a couple of his pieces in. Didn't bother much with mine or DS's though.
It was quite sad to see 7 of my knickers, 7 of DS's pants and 2 of his hanging out. :(

All together makes you lose respect for the person.

I really don't know if you can do anything about it if he doesn't want to.

SummerDad, we are going down the same route, unfortunately... Because I just don't know how else can I make him listen. I do withdraw attention and limit communication to bare practicalities but to be honest that is not much different from the amount of attention I normally get from him... He very rarely makes me feel attractive/loved/wanted. Usually we lead parralel lifes under the same roof. Like housemates.

I mentioned the laudry... I haven't touched the remaning stuff in the basket, left it almost in the middle of the room, he came home and didn't even notice. When I asked whether he is planning to hang the rest of it he angrily replied 'I shall do that now, ok?' and hasn't spoken to me since. I cannot win can I... To make this work I have to be happy picking after him and not dare to say a word when he doesn't pull his weight... Or else he will be angry. I'm so sick of his anger, he is angry at so many things - people at work, me, people on the roads, people in town, supermarkets... Jesus. I just want peace...

Lueji, at times like at the moment I have zero respect for him. When we have good moments (of course we do, occassionally...) I feel like I could like him again. I look after the house, clean and take care of everyday chores, why on earth can't he?... Head. Wall. Repeat at infinitum.

You really need to tackle this, a lot of the things are minor and shouldn't be more than a mild irritation.
With regard to the porn/anger/poor hygiene do you think he may benefit from counseling on his own ?
They sound like they could be a symptom if u suspect he's been previously abused.

mozarela, I am sorry to know that you are also going down the same route. From my experience, I can tell it is probably not going for either of you as things seemed to improve for us on the surface but we were left with no affection for each other. Now, we are literally living like housemates under the same roof, in separate rooms. In our case, if my wife had talked to me once calmly explaining me the need of the change and had asked me how would I like to accomplish it as a goal for both of us, things would have really changed. To me it looked she always wanted to change me for the wrong reasons.

If you met this man for the first time this afternoon, would you still consider him for a second date or would you be making your excuses and leaving? You've only got three choices here really.

1. Say nothing, stay irritated and set your DS a really bad example of how adult relationships work by carrying on sniping at each other for the next 30, 40, 50 years.
2. Stay with him conditional on him cleaning his act up, ditching the porn and all the rest. Employ counselling if necessary. Means you have to be prepared to follow through on the threat if he doesn't make an effort, of course.
3. Leave now and stop wasting your time.

I agree with cogito.