lookingfoxy I know for a fact that he was abused, we talk quite freely about it at times. Yes, I think counselling on his own would do a world of good to him although he doesn't think he has a problem with anger. Well he sort of jokingly admits that sometimes but always adds that I have the same issue...
I called him today during lunchbreak to say thank you for hanging laundry last night. He spoke to me ok. But I come home and he talks to DS not me, ignores me. I know he is waiting for me to apologise. But I don't think I've done anything... just because I rang him and thanked doesn't mean I caused the fallout...
So I didn't talk to him either and he has buggered off upstairs pissed off and angry.
All this feels like a huge weight on my chest... I know I could just go and be nice to him and say sorry (guilty or not) and we could make up. But the underlying issues will remain unsolved...
SummerDad we don't have a nasty MIL in the picture and I think he is reluctant to change because whenever I say something he takes it very personally and sees it as me listing his failings and I guess feels inadequate, not good enough, a failure (a theme which seems to run through his life). I on the other hand feel offended by him not doing enough around the house because I feel like a hamster in a wheel, always trying to squeeze some chores in whenever I have time (e.g. sat mornings he takes DS out for some 3-4 hours and almost always I spend them cleaning the house because otherwise it just doesn't get done. HE however sees it as 'giving me time to myself'. And tells me to enjoy it, to have a lie in or do something I like. But the reality is such that cleaning will have to be done by ME anyways and I will have to squeeze it in somewhere... When actually if he did do a little bit of something every day then I could actually enjoy those few hours.. But he doesn't see/doesn't want to see that!).
Cogito If I could turn back time and meet him knowing what I know now I would be very hesitant to have anything serious with him. Unfortunately e.g. lack of sex came to light when I was pregnant already. I found it very confusing as to why he wasn't suddenly interested in me, blamed pregnancy, blamed myself, then started resenting him.
Re anger I remember being in the bathroom and hearing weird muffed noise as if someone was arguing and angry at someone and it was my P, I got rather scared for a moment and thought that he's lost his mind or something. Turns out he does have imaginary arguments with other people and I heard one of them. Freaked me out a bit tbh but now I just ask 'who are you talking to again?..' or 'stop swearing' when I hear him do that. Is it normal to have imaginary arguments with someone?..
I am inclined to go with Cogito's 2nd choice. I need to save up though in case I will have to follow through my threat...
higgles I am trying to tackle things. I have been blunt, rude and nice about hygene. And I still have to remind him to cover his mouth when sneezing. You know I have seen my mom trying to change my dad's ways all her life (he does have a shower these days without throwing toys out of the pram, washes his own clothes and can occassionally clean floors) and it has not made her happy. I have seen her battes and her tears, actually I can see that I am following the same model as in my family - mother a martyr, doing it all and trying to change ever so slightly inadequate and useless dad. Mine is a different character but dynamics is similar. Damn.
jess I know it is affecting him. A 3.5 y/o notices when parents don't talk to each other isn't it? You can only hide it for so long while they are little. And then he sees that mommy doesn't see daddy as authority and perhaps it filters through that mommy doesn't think much about daddy. That is confusing for DS, I bet. He does say a lot of 'I don't like daddy' - I don't know how to stop it. I just always say that daddy is a good daddy and loves him a lot...
Alien we are going to relate although sessions suddenly stopped a few weeks ago (due to issues on their side not ours) and things went downhill rapidly. We are waiting to hear from them again. DP is not adverse to counselling and this is a hope I cling onto! Tackling porn addiction is not so easy though because I feel that for me to complain is sort of forcing him to want to and I know one cannot be forced to want someone of they don't want it! I find it demeaning too. As if there is something wrong with me and hence he doesn't want me. Fat, uggly, not womanly springs to my mind...
I am not looking forward to this Christmas and I don't think I will be getting him a card because writing 'I love you' on it feels so fake. Because I don't love him. I don't.