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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son is beginning to look like my brother who abused me

34 replies

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 02:05

I'm not sure where to post this so i've opted for relationships even although it's not actually a relationship issue

I'd just like a bit of advice

My eldest son, who is 19 ...is now starting to look a awful like my brother.

My brother sexually abused me as a child which was investigated by police but no charges were brought as there was no evidence.

I only went to police and reported it after my mum died (my dad died when I was 17)

I feel a bit stupid now but I feel that I want to ask my son to stop wearing the shirt he is fond of (it's almost a replica of my brothers) and change his hairstyle .

This is wrong isn't it...he is my son , but he is starting to look like my bother and I know i'm slightly withdrawing from him because he is reminding me of my abuser.

Has anyone one else gone through this?

OP posts:

deleted203 · 16/12/2012 02:12

I don't know that I can offer you any advice, just tremendous sympathy for what you went through as a child.

My eldest son who is about the same age as yours now looks very like my exH and I find myself biting my tongue in irritation when he tilts his head or makes a gesture that looks very like Ex. All I can suggest is that you keep reminding yourself that you love your son and that he is nothing like your brother. Have you had some counselling to talk about your feelings?

Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 02:24

thank you sowornout

I tried counselling once and it didn't really work for me..I think i'm one of these people who likes to keep there feelings to themself and feels uncomfortable with someone judging me and saying ' because this happened childhood then xyz was obviously going to happen in your adulthood'

I know counselling works for a lot of people, I just don't think I'm one of those people

OP posts:

deleted203 · 16/12/2012 02:35

I can absolutely understand that. I've never had counselling myself (but never had to deal with what you have). I tend to think, 'oh just get on with it' to myself so I can appreciate if you feel it's not for you.

As I say, no real advice to offer you. I'm assuming that your son doesn't know your history and you don't want to tell him. If the shirt is bringing back awful memories could you have an accident with the wash and apologise before buying him a new one that is different? I know this is probably trivial but it might help a little. He'll probably change his hairstyle before long if he is a typical teenage lad. Please keep focusing on the DIFFERENCES between your son and your brother rather than physical similarities.

Hopefully someone else can offer better advice.

TinyDancingHoofer · 16/12/2012 02:46

Are you sure he looks like him? When was the last time you saw a picture of your brother at 19? Has anyone else commented on the resemblance? Is it possible this has been a fear of yours that has made it all worse? Do you have any pictures of your dad/granddad in their youth, could you try and associate his features with them instead?

I don't think you can ask him to change his hair or clothes because you'd have to explain why and i don't think any child would like to be told they look like their mother's abuser. But could you get him a haircut/restyle for christmas?

That might help in the short term but in the long term maybe try to concentrate on what he is saying, his actions and personality. Look at all the differences and try and focus on those.

This must be a terrible situation and i hope you find a way to deal with it.

Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 02:56

yes tinydancer my sister and my ex husband said oh he looks just like *

He had dyed his hair black and cut it short which is like my brothers (his natural hair colour is a sort of auburn)

So it's not just me that has commented on the resemblance.

I know it is completely daft , because he is my son , I just wondered if anyone else had gone similar with their children looking like family members that were perhaps no longer part of the family

OP posts:

squashedbanana · 16/12/2012 03:13

My daughter looks like me but behaves a lot like my sister who ruined my childhood and my son looks just like his father who was a controlling, emotionally abusing bully

I am bringing my son up with as much love and support as I have in me so he grows up differently to his father and as for my daughter....well, it's difficult sometimes

Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 03:19

squashedbanna do you find it difficult sometimes when you see your children looking/behaving like a family member you dont like?

I'm clutching at straws maybe but i'd hate to be the one

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Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 03:19

*the only one

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Thistledew · 16/12/2012 03:30

Have you had a look into the different types of counselling available? For example, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very good for changing a specific thought pattern. It helps you identify negative thoughts (eg my son looks like my brother) and gives you methods for changing your thought patterns (he looks like himself, and how he behaves is more important that how he looks). It doesn't usually involve digging to deeply into your childhood, especially if you already are aware of the cause of your thoughts, but focusses on practical solutions.

Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 03:37

Thank you Thistle, I've looked at CBT before and rejected it.....is it worth exploring further?

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 16/12/2012 03:48

Is your DS aware that your brother abused you?

If he is I don't think there is any harm in explaining that you don't like his new hair and why. It's not like he can't change it and it's not like it's his natural colour and I expect he wouldn't like the thought of having the same hair as your brother either.

If you explain you didn't like it and why do you think he'd offer to change it anyway?

Aside from this I also think CBT would be very good, there is a book called CBT for dummies, it's good for a bit of self help before you can get to see someone.

Original poster

elfbambinos · 16/12/2012 04:29

yes he is aware that things are not 'right' between us, however i've never explained in so many words why.

the reason I went to the police was because of something my son said when he was six.

My brother was stating to try and do to him what he had done to me

.I'll have a look at that book , thank you

OP posts:

sashh · 16/12/2012 07:35

Talk to your son. If you don't he will know there is 'something' but not what.

You need to remember he is a different person, not that easy I know.

WaitingForMe · 16/12/2012 08:09

I think OP should work on herself rather than talk to her son. That isn't to say I'm not sympathetic but MIL struggles with the similarities between DH and his dad and it has been devastating for him. She has no idea how utterly awful she has made him feel over the years.

At 19 OPs son is experimenting with his identity and needs that to be ok.

squashedbanana · 16/12/2012 21:36

I love my son with all my heart, the fact he looks like his father doesn't matter a jot. He is the happiest, most loving, funny child, nothing like his father.

As for my daughter, as I said it's difficult sometimes, but only sometimes, and when she is behaving like my sister it's not for long. She also is the most sweet natured, sensitive, caring, considerate loving child.

So though both of them remind me in some ways of people I would rather not be reminded of, on the whole, it makes no difference to how much I absolutely adore them

I realise I am not helping here, ask me in the moment when my daughter is being like my sister and my response would be more GGGRRRRRRRR!

BertieBotts · 16/12/2012 21:45

I think that you do need to keep this away from him, it's not his fault that he looks like your brother. I know it must be really hard, but you can't tell him to change because he makes you feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps try to focus on the attributes that make your son him and which are very unlike your brother? I don't know what else to suggest. I also think it might be helpful to seek some kind of help, the counselling experience you had sounds less than helpful I agree. Perhaps contact Rape Crisis? They offer support for all victims of sexual abuse even if it was many years ago, and it wouldn't be standard counselling, they should have different options to be able to offer you.

Also I don't know if you're at all into "woo" stuff but my mum swears by tie cutting as an emotionally healing process, she has sadly had a similar experience to you during her childhood and although she has no contact with the family member in question she has told me it has helped enormously with her being able to disconnect and move on from that even decades later. She's very into all of the spiritual/energy type stuff though so might not be for everyone.

LastMangoInParis · 16/12/2012 21:55

elf, IKWYM about counselling not seeming so great, but have you thought about trying to find a properly qualified therapist who has real, solid training in helping survivors of abuse?
I think you're saying you're getting flashbacks of some sort that are triggered by how your son looks now? (Apologies if I've misinterpreted your post and that's not quite how this is.) If this is what's happening then I really, really recommend talking to a professional therapist who properly, genuinely understands what it's like for abuse survivors to go through this, and how to address it. This should be much more useful than talking to a counsellor who thinks/says (s)he undertands the effects of abuse on survivors but actually isn't really properly informed/qualified to help people trying to cope with that experience.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 21:56

that is awful. no idea what to say to you......... my son looks like my abusive x (sometimes) and I find that hard when I catch the look, and I your situation is much worse. I hope that when your son moves beyond this late teens/early 20s phase you stop feeling reminded. x

Abitwobblynow · 16/12/2012 22:02

Elf, the fact that you were brave enough to post this shows that you are aware, and won't confuse the two.

Keep remembering that he is an innocent child who really needs his Mum (whatever he thinks or says).

Good luck with processing your past, feeling all the pain, anger shame and humiliation, and may you know one day it doesn't define you at all, not one little bit and you can let it go.

wednesdaygirl · 16/12/2012 22:58

Ive just told my dh my brother abused me (he is a step brother) i did tell my step mum at the time but she said "its fine leave him to it he is just expermenting" gone through alot of thinking and hate them both atm but i'm so glad he is a step brother cause my son doesnt look like him feel for you so much xx

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/12/2012 11:16

Hi elf,

This is going to sound stupid, but can you turn it on its head and think "My brother looks like my son"? If it works, you would still have the same feelings of revulsion, unease etc but they would be directed at your brother - where they belong.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/12/2012 11:26

One way of looking at it is that your lovely son is how your abusive brother should have been. It's almost like your bloodline having another go to try and get it right this time. (If genetic material made conscious plans!)

Original poster

elfbambinos · 18/12/2012 00:02

thank you for the replies...when I posted I first thought 'I've said to much and no-one will understand what I'm talking about

My son is saying 'don't tell me I do not want to know

OP posts:

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 18/12/2012 00:11

I can't offer any advice but wanted to post in support as this must be so hard to deal with. I would also say that if you felt your previous counsellor was judging you, then I don't think they were doing a very good job. I would seriously think about looking for another who is a better fit for you. Perhaps contact an organisation who helps people abused in childhood and ask if they have any recommendations?

BertieBotts can you say more about 'tie cutting' and how you do it? I could probably make use of the benefits your mum got from it.

Original poster

elfbambinos · 18/12/2012 00:17

I've teied tonight to say. 'please don't wear that shirt.....and he is sort of going 'dinna by daft'

I'm findiing this hard

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