Dear all
I?m new to Mumsnet (pls be nice!) and feel a bit guilty that I?ve joined purely to glean a bit of ?party opinion?. I?m in a very turbulent and difficult marriage that?s teetering on the edge and could do with a bit of unbiased opinion and advice. We relocated a while ago so I currently live away from my network of close friends ? though in any case, I?m hugely private and would probably struggle to share this kind of info anyway (a lot of people assume we have the perfect marriage in fact). This is long (I?ll try and paraphrase etc) and may take a while to read through. So thank you in advance to those who spend time on it.
We?ve been married for 12 years and have four kids. We?re still a reasonably young 30 / 40 smthg, both considered attractive. As with many couples with young kids (ours are still all under 10) life can be a strain both physically and financially (permanently tired for one thing!) but on the whole we are a lot luckier than many.
When the first of our three kids were very small (newborn twins and a one year old ? I kid you not) life was at its lowest ebb for me. I was permanently knackered and (to be honest) hated my body (any twin mummies on here might relate to the ?balloon body? pregnancy ? and how it looks afterwards). I was a size 8 pre-kids and found it hard to adjust to the excess saggy skin on my tummy and the fact that my boobs were flacid and had lost their shape. Add to this the fact that I almost certainly had PND (undiagnosed at the time) and various other (minor but at the time debilitating) health issues, and (mainly) extreme sleep deprivation and I was ? admittedly ? very hormonal and down. My husband had been less sympathetic to me during this second pregnancy. I recall (as a silly example) asking him to rub my back / massage my feet and he point-blank refused. To be fair, he wasn?t an arsehole about it, and was always busy with work etc, but it wasn?t exactly a time of TLC and romance either. Then again, lack of romance has been a bit of a theme. Anyway?
Onto work and I started to notice (post twins) that he was talking a lot about ?the office blonde? (apologies to any blondes out there). This person (slightly younger than me, unmarried, no kids, but with a partner she claimed to adore) was actually a friend of mine (I used to work there too) and so she?d occasionally pop over. When this happened there was a lot of flirtation between her and my husband. As I?ve never particularly been the jealous type and (don?t dislike me for saying this!) also because I?ve generally been considered to be an attractive person (and she?s actually not hugely attractive) I didn?t see this as much of a threat. Even when my husband decided to take her on a night out to see a local band (I was too tired to go ? the babies were still, well, babies?) I was fine with it (in the past I?ve been a bit of a flirt too ? nothing major though ? so just saw all this as a bit of a modern ?male-female? friendship ? with me the modern wife for accepting it. Hmmmm.)
It was around this time though that he also started to make comments to me about her ?great? figure. Bearing in mind I was (and am) desperately shy about my own post-pregnancy figure and I found this very very hard. Especially when he?d suggest I should join her gym and perhaps see which exercises she was doing. Please also bear in mind here that when the twins were 5 weeks old I embarked on the Atkins diet (total ban on carbs) ? it was horrendous. I hated every minute and felt weak and lethargic (and yes I know this won?t have helped my hormones or sleep issues) but I hated myself so much I was desperate to lose the weight. Cut to the chase and within two months I was back to my pre-pregnancy size 8 ? but still with the saggy skin issues. So the fact that my husband was comparing my body to this woman?s felt dreadful as I realised that there was no amount of gym that was going to change my actual shape and skin tone (weight loss, per se, wasn?t the issue).
Despite all of this I was trying hard with our sex life and even started letting him do things such as anal sex. I arranged weekends away / dressed up etc but still I felt ugly and undesired (he?d f*ck me but there was never a sense of tenderness or romance or making love ? maybe other guys are the same??) He ended up wanting sex with the lights off all the time (at home) and claimed it would heighten our senses when we touched each other ? but honestly, my husband has rarely touched me (or kissed me) intimately. In fact, I do have to be in the mood for oral sex (eg I like to be showered) but even so, it?s happened rarely and he?s rarely tried to put me in the mood for this. In fact he never has. And I just assume (to this day) that I?m undesirable.
During this time we argued a lot - and sometimes semi-violently. For full disclosure I will state here that it was usually me blowing my top and I did occasionally push / shove him and slap him around the face, Eastenders style. This is not excusable I know but I was really in a desperate state (no love / affection and realising his on-going flirtations with this other woman). He didn?t ever really reciprocate by hitting back etc ? until one (fateful) night when he really lost it and properly beat me up (black and blue) in front of the kids ? actual punches etc. He was very drunk (not an excuse but it should still be stated). He?s never done this since. And I had never hit / beat him like that so it was a real shock. The kids still remember it (?when daddy pushed you down the stairs? etc).
He also claimed many times to resent the kids and (once) wished our son dead (he had terrible reflux and cried a lot as a baby). I found his rejection of the kids to be a rejection of me.
He started (in these arguments) to say terrible things about my body. Really horrible stuff. And usually it would end with ?no other man would want to sleep with you ? you?re soiled goods? type of thing. I can?t tell you how awful it made me feel. To this day I recall the comments and they make me feel so low.
In the end I booked myself in for cosmetic surgery (tummy and boobs). While the operations worked their magic (another story for another time) I remember feeling hurt that he hadn?t ever tried to talk me out of it by saying that ?he loved me anyway? - or ?are you sure??
Long story short and the flirtation with this woman increased over time. One night he was having sex with me (I was tired and didn?t want it but had relented ? trying to be ?the good wife?) and I asked if he?d mind giving me some foreplay (I?d started to suffer with cystitis as he?d usually just penetrate me and it hurt as usually I was quite ?dry?). His response was to withdraw from me, sit on the end of the bed, say a few disparaging things (I forget what) and then tell me he was in love with this other woman. I was distraught.
In the end we sort of tried to work things out. This was very up and down (big rows / passionate ?make up? sex) until finally I found flirtatious texts that they were sending and he confessed (again) to being in love with her. He told me though (and still swears) that nothing ever actually happened. It was purely flirtation.
Ok?. [deep breath]
I ended up having an actual affair with an old friend (we didn?t sleep together but did pretty much everything else). At the time it felt great ? and I felt desired / loved ? and in fact I nearly left my husband for him (he fell in love with me and wanted us to leave our respective partners and live together. I was starting to fall in love with him). In the end, I couldn?t bear to break up the family and confessed all to my husband. Considering how badly I took his emotional affair, he forgave me for my actual affair really very quickly (I mean, in the course of a few hrs). Looking back this seems odd?? But he is less of a volatile temperament than me? so who knows.
I?m going to skim over a few months here as conscious that this is a very very long post (thank you to those bearing with me). Please also bear in mind that I was no angel during our many many rows (see above re me losing it a bit and shoving him / slapping him ? not all the time ? but the rows were very tempestuous).
We ended up at Relate (which incidentally was shit ? another story) and soon-ish afterwards he lost his job. I was (I think) a huge emotional support and I also ended up finding work to (financially) support all of us.
In the end he got a (great) new job and we relocated. This was to be our ?fresh new start? ? but then he confessed to (mild) office flirtations in his new job (I suspected and cornered him into admitting).
This is such a long post ? sorry.
Since then I?ve tried all sorts of things (arranging weekends away ? that he?s too tired for ? BUT he does work shifts and gets very tired, this is true).
I still receive little to no romance ? and he?s still very selfish in bed (still rarely touches / kisses me intimately ? though he claims to enjoy oral sex ? and very little foreplay).
We?ve been in (couples and individual) therapy for a year now ? but honestly these rows continue. Usually I start them because I hate the lack of romance / affection and I feel totally ignored in the bedroom.
Between the rows he claims to love me and that I?m his soul mate and hates our rows. I receive a lot of promises and emails of intention ? but somehow there?s still a lack of? something.
Am I right to assume that he loves me (I know that he does) but isn?t in love with me / fancies me?
ANY THOUGHTS WELCOME? thank you so much.