ARGHHHH!!! Is he trying to con me or is he actually a good guy. Dunno anymore.

[ilovehugs]

I told DP of 13 years that we need to start talking about what we are going to do if we split up. No matter what changes, I don't think I can ever have sex with him again. Even getting on day to day is tough. He wants to work things out, but last night he suddenly gave me the green light to go. He also said that because his maintenance payments would be between £20 or £100 more than the mortgage we could keep the house but only if a document is drawn up by a solicitor that protects him from loosing the house and crucially HE PAYS THE MORTGAGE. I was gob smacked, not least because he has constantly used the loss of our home as threat to me as our relationship has deteriorated. He said he still loved us and wanted to look after as all. He said that he doesn't want me to fall off the ladder with no chance of getting back on and it will be easy for him because of his salarty. He also said that it would mean his maintence payments are invested that way. I don't like the idea of having the mortgage paid by DP - but I also dont like the idea of being off the ladder and putting the kids through leaving the family home. I told him I would rather he just paid maintenance and I paid the mortgage, to which he replied that if that happened I could potentially boot him of the mortgage in x many years time and he would constantly worry about me fucking up my finances and getting into arrears. (nice). If we sold, I would get about £15 - £20k but no chance of getting on the ladder again for years due to my tiny salary, whereas DP would be able to get straight back on. I said I didn't want him to suddenly try and boot me out or buy me out and he said he would put in that in a contract so we are both protected.

What do you savy people think about this? The back story is here if you want to read it...

I've posted here before about DP. To summarise - Sexless, bickery, humourless, unequal, relationship for years culminating in my discovery that DP has for years been having online affairs sharing our kids names, my name and very personal information, even a photo of him with our son to these women AND in the same 'breath' having sexual exchanges online. Even the night before DD's 4th GA. When I went away for a weekend, he got in touch with one of these ladies tline up a weekend of online sex. The same weekend when I returned to find that he hadn't even bothered to bring in the washing of the line for 3 days. Recent crimes include sending a sex text to my friend when drunk to see if I would like it, hacking my facebook account and copying conversations with my friends into his hotmail, lying and coming home from the pub, pissed and shouting at me!!!! He has grovelled and apologised for all of this (heartfeltly I think) but I'm so pissed off with him and it's burnt away all the physical attraction I ever felt for him. Biggest bones of contention are -He has refused to help with housework or cook meals unless in rare moments of crisis - for 7 YEARS!. I needed that help. Poor DD had a bowel defect and had ops, colostomy and lots of extra care. He smoked heavily despite our tight finances, has temper tantrums, and basically, at the age of 32, it's like a fog has lifted and I've had enough!!! I have been a bit of a crap disorganised housewife and been detached from him, but I've never been unfaithful and have given up a good career to look after the kids so he could work when and where he wanted. I funded his training courses and paid the mortgage and bills alone before we had kids. Now he earns about 45K and I have only just got back to work now DD (who needed allot of extra care due to an imparement) is at school and doing well. I will be lucky to clear £700 per month having gone for a term time only, school friendly hours job.
DP isn't a monster and he works hard for us to provide etc is lovely with the kids, helps at bedtime and with other (non housework stuff). He still claims to love me and is attracted to me. I want to feel the same - BUT I DONT. He is trying to give up smoking and agreed to go to relate next month.

Sounds to me like he wants to think that maintenance he pays you isn't dead money to him but will result in a house owned by him in x number of years. I'ld run a mile.

Is your name currently on the mortgage? I think you need proper legal advice from a solicitor.

Get yourself to a solicitor and seek legal advice- that fifer sounds very fishy to me. Good luck.

For this kind of dilemma which has serious financial implications, you really need legal advice. Personally speaking, I would also not like to feel that the roof over my head was entirely reliant on the goodwill of an ex-partner, however cooperative they seem to be today. If he's used the loss of your home as a threat in the past, I simply wouldn't trust him.

If you talk to a solicitor, you may be able to find a way to achieve the same outcome but with you a stronger legal position.

Seek legal advice.

I'd sell the house and then split the money. Would his maintenance make it easier for you to buy a house? Is that considered income?

Sounds like a way he wants to keep control over you, rather than an altruistic gesture.

LightPassenger makes an excellent point too.

Maintenance is for the children not to cover mortgages.

Easiest thing is to add up all your assets + debts take one from the other & split the rest 50/50 . sell the house. Start afresh.

Do NOT get talked into any joint financial affairs moving forward. TBH it's so hard to get a mortgage these days I wouldn't worry about being on the ladder. There is no shame in renting, and you couldclaim WTC etc to help.

Have you had yr free half hour legal advice?

This is what I'm thinking. Would be good to start afresh. But if I did have some contract to protect me, I could end up with a good nest egg for the kids and I down the line. How much do you think it would be to go to the solicitor?

Sounds very fishy to me.

I would want to have a proper split, and not be dependent on my Ex for ever. It does sound like he wants to pay the mortgage so he cna have the house once your children are old enough, turfing you out on your ear.

Legal advice - definitely.

Do not accept or sign anything without legal advice

Sounds to me like he has been thinking about how he can make this work for him, and doesn't have your interests at heart AT ALL

Many solicitors offer a free half-hour but, even if you spent a hundred or two on longer consultations, offset against the price of a house or whatever it's a good investment. Contracts mean you can sue if they are breached but it's still a hassle. There is nothing like the security having your name, and only your name, on the important things in life.

I hear you. I have a bad feeling about it. I think on just going to say no. Like you say, you can sue for breech of contract, but I could still be turfed out with nothing. Mortgage is cheaper than rent around here so I could pay it alone but he won't have that incase I try and do one on him or get on arrears and he's liable.

I think you'll find that he thinks the house will be his, as he will be paying the mortgage. You really do need financial advice from a lawyer.

He'd only be liable if his name is still on the mortgage. Your lender may not be willing to transfer the mortgage to your sole name, even if you can pay it solo, if your income isn't high enough. When in a similar position myself many years ago my DM stood as guarantor. I never defaulted and, ultimately, I transferred the balance into my name with no need for a guarantor. But it was important to me that my ex had no stake in the property.

Make a free half-hour appointment with a solicitor. Google 'half hour appointment with a solicitor'. Take a list of questions and suggestions with you. Also print out your OP and highlight this bit: 'I funded his training courses and paid the mortgage and bills alone before we had kids. Now he earns about 45K and I have only...'

At the appointment ask if you might be able to claim Legal Aid. Can you record the conversation? From experience the solicitor I consulted many moons ago talked at a hundred-miles-an hour to cover all the subjects she had to within the allotted time.

Try and get yourself a savvy lawyer who knows how to get the best deal for you and your children, otherwise STBX will have financial control over you (and the kids) for years to come and you might find yourself out on your ear at the end of it. Sign nothing. Agree to nothing.

Confide in RL friends and family if you can. Ask them for help. Good luck. Oh and try and search in MN for olgala's very informative list of people to contact (I hope I spelt that right).

Why does he think that you would leave or run up arrears, it is your house too, why would he think that you would suddenly just throw it away?

I agree with PPs, it sounds like he is just using the house as a way to control you.

If you were to split you have four options.
Both go your seperate ways, sell the house and split the value 50/50.
You leave, Letting him have the house and he can remortgage and buy you out giving you 50% of the equity.
He leaves, you keep the house and remortgage and buy him out for 50% of the equity.
Or you have a contact drawn up, you both agree to continue to pay 50% of the mortgage payments each month, you keep the house in joint names and if/when you decide to see you split the money 50/50.
And you can carry on living in the house.

(this is what DP and I agreed to do if we ever split)

Yes he is trying to con you.

Lawyer time.

This man has repeatedly shown himself to be untrustworthy so there is no reason to trust him now. Go and see a solicitor and get proper legal advice before you agree or sign anything. Tell your H that you are taking legal advice and if he says 'Oh you don't need to do that' then it will prove that he is trying to shaft you. He is not your owner, he is not in control of the situation and he is not above the law.

Hahahaha.

So instead of paying maintenance to support his children, he wants that money 'banked' in such a way that it actually comes back to him at some point in the future?

Newsflash: you didn't have to wait until he graciously decided that he would 'agree' to a split to start the ball rolling on any of this stuff. It isnt up to him. It especially isn't up to him given that he's been a selfish, unfaithful twat of a partner for many years.

The one question that you should be asking yourself now is 'Does he have, has he ever had our best interests at heart?'
You can just look back at your first post above and say a heartfelt NO to that. So as far as his suggestion goes, I suggest you completely ignore it. Of course he is trying to shaft you for his own gain - he's done it all your marriage, why on earth would you expect him to act differently now?!

He knows full well that he would officially come off worst if you split. He would have to pay maintenance and there's a good chance he'd have to pay you support on top of that as you gave up your career to support his. You could find yourself in the position of him having to pay part if the mortgage anyway, with you and the children having the right to stay in the house until your youngest is 18, then the house is sold and proceeds split. If you sold and split now, you'd be entitled to the bulk of the proceeds. If you can prove that you paid a substantial amount more into the house you could be eligible for even more.

I would be astonished if he hadn't already consulted a solicitor on this- now he realises he's pushed his luck finally too far and his doormat isn't going to be walked on any more. Hence a bit of sly thinking and a lovely planned speech which tries to convince you that all is well and do what he says (he must be good at that after years of lying to you and cheating on you).

Get out now and don't waste another moment of your life on this man. He can be a good dad from the flat he'll probably have to settle for - difference will be that you can move on with a life which doesn't involve a nasty compulsive liar and a cheat.

Go and see a solicitor with all financial details. Get a free half hour with as many of them as possible. Ignore every word that comes out of your husband's mouth, except to tell him that he is going to get what he must have wanted- the freedom to shag whatever he wants, and not to have to feel guilty about not lifting a finger to be an honest, supportive member of your family.

Oh and next time he insinuates that you can't be trusted to run your own affairs, why don't you laugh in his face and point out that if he had a shred of practical or emotional intelligence himself, neither of you would be in this position, because he'd have been enough of a functioning adult to put his family before his dick, and on the balance of evidence, you wouldn't trust him to do one single thing right by any of you, financial or otherwise. That he couldn't be trusted to run a piss up in a brewery and one major advantage to you of a split would be being financially separated from relying on a prick.

Oh and in answer to your question - a good guy? Seriously?? How?! In what possible reality? Cheating, lying, leaving you to take responsibility for your sick child, sending out pictures of your children to his shags - fucking hell. No he isn't a good man. What he is is a charmer, and right now he's deploying that major life skill to the max. This is where you decide either to fall for it yet again or finally get rid.

Oops. I've just seen that he's your P not your H. Not so good on the support for you front then. Get a good solicitor and fight for every penny in that house, because the fact you gave up your career and ploughed your time into his instead isn't going to count for much I'm afraid.

Spoke to my mum. She told me that dp is such a dear, kind person and a good provider....she said it would be so sad for everyone if I left and I should at the very least hang on for another few months for the sake of Christmas. Oh and being single is tough and probably worse than my life now. All the single people she knows are miserable. I know she's talking crap but she just feeds my fears with all this. My lovely friends think I should have left months ago. So horrible.

Don't listen to your mum, sorry. I left my ex aged 41 with a 10yo and a 12yo. We are all (incl him) much happier now and I even met someone else, who really is the love of my life. My ex was a good provider, he just considered it all his money and didn't like to share it with his wife or kids!

"Oh and being single is tough and probably worse than my life now. "

It's sad when your own mother doesn't respect your decisions enough to support you. If she's taken this 'put up with anything as long as they are a good provider line' in the past, it's probably why you've stuck it out for so long already.

Hes certainly trying to pull a fast one on you, child support is for the child, not to pay a mortgage, get onto a lawyer pronto.

Those fears that she's feeding probably came from her in the first place. Even if she hasn't explicitly sat you down and lectured you about finding a man and holding onto him at all costs, if this is her way of thinking you have probably absorbed these fears, beliefs etc from her through actions and things that she's said over the years.

She's wrong, by the way. Being single can be fantastic and even in the lowest times, is a million times better than being stuck in a relationship which makes you unhappy, it truly is. Plus if your husband acts like a 5th child you'll probably find life easier without the extra work he's creating.