Having a bad night

[Nomorepain]

So it's my birthday on Sunday, Christmas and new year just around the corner and I feel so sad. Husband cheated when I was pregnant with 2dc left us for 7 weeks then came back till dd was 5 weeks old. It has been awful. Absolutely awful and his nastiness is not stopping anytime soon. I absolutely loved him with all of my heart.

I am home alone tonight. My beautiful babies are asleep in bed and I am brooding how happy his new life is with ow whilst I am still bitterly sad trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I hate them both for what they have done to my children and me. I am full of bitterness but i just want them to be unhappy instead of this happy life that they seem to have at the moment. I hate how bit by bit I have been pushed out of the life we created together and now a space is being made for her. It hurts so bad.

When will it feel better? I have planned nice things to do with friends but none of it feels enjoyable. I just want my old life back. I would never ever have him back because of what he has done but I just wish none of it had happened in the first place. Really cannot believe how much of a mess my life is and so very far away from what I ever wanted it to be.

Sorry for my self indulgent post I just run out of ways to pick myself up sometimes!! I just can't wait for life to just happen again as opposed to struggling through every minute, hour and day. Please tell me it gets better and what I can do to get there!!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and you are hurting so much. I just want to say that it's ok to grieve for what you thought you had and the life you had planned. Please try to remember that you won't always feel this awful and there will come a time when you think of your ex and breathe a sigh of relief that he is no longer your problem. Let the ow put up with his shit and his cheating. I'm sorry I don't have more practical advice, try to concentrate on your babies and get through each day and eventually it will get easier. In the meantime, get yourself a solicitor and take him for everything you can and don't let him use your feelings against you. You don't need or deserve a man like this in your life and eventually you will come to see this for yourself. Good luck op

Didn't want to read and run. Don't really have any advice but just wanted to say I'm sure you're doing your children proud, and I hope you have some rl support.

There's some great Relationship regulars such as AnyFucker, hopefully they'll post soon with some good advice and support.

But you sound like you are well rid of him. You will realise that one day.

Hugs for you and your dc x

I've not advice but although I wasn't married I can relate too you, ESP about their new life.
I just wanted to offer support, a shoulder, hand holding and un mumsnetty hugs.
I hope you have a really lovely birthday and in days weeks months or years- we can look back on nights like tonight (I'm sat with snotty tissues and red eyes tonight) and stick two fingers up at it all.

Xx

It might seem like they are happy but they won't be, not for long anyway. The OW woman has the man who is not good enough for you and your children.
Don't force yourself to enjoy your birthday and Christmas and NYE, just try and be strong and get through and its won't be long at all before YOU are really happy again.

Thanks ladies! I am trying but everything feels like a massive effort. I've spent all day at home today and I think that I just have too much time to think about things and wind myself up. Both my babies have got colds, ex hasn't been in touch to see how they are since he had them last Sunday. He absolutely hates me now. I am getting tougher and filing for divorce. Got a good solicitor (I hope) and I do intend to make him pay. He is being very mean to me since he got his papers and his mum has turned on me. I never wanted any of this and just trying to make sure my kids and me get what we deserve. They seem to have forgotten we are the innocent party and it is her son that has caused all this damage.

My life feels pretty empty at the moment. I know I have got the kids and I am doing everything I can to make them happy. We have lots of days out to fun places, lots of snuggles, stories and general loveliness but I just miss having someone to share it all with. No one will ever love my kids like me and him (the old one not this inferior one!) and it makes me sad.

I've got lots of friends but my family are patchy! Love them all but I still feel like I have to deal with everything on my own. I sound pathetic. He left in April. I should be well over him now. He is defo over me!!

You are not pathetic. You sound like you have held everything together. In a few years your children will remember YOU were there when they needed you, you still read stories every night even when you were feeling sad.

Christmas time is always hard in situations like this. Everyone talking about looking forward to the new year and looking back a the year hat is about to pass blah blah blah.

Try doing something positive for yourself, write a list of what you do have, don't focus on him, focus on the future and what you can do for yourself to turn it all around.

Don't let him stop you having a future, don't focus on what you can get from him.

What are your own family like?

This time of year is always tough - even for us long-time singles - because of the relentless media focus on Happy Families round the Christmas tree tucking into Iceland snacks or Quality Street or whatever. If you don't fit the model of Mum Dad and kids you can feel excluded. So yes, it gets better the minute all the forced festivities are over and you can get back to normal life.

It also gets better the more you feel back in control of your own life. Right now it's clear that you're feeling like life is something being enjoyed by other people and you're just on the outside looking in... everything happening to you wasn't your decision. Injustice.

To get back in control, you have to force yourself to stop looking back over your shoulder, checking out what he's doing all the time and comparing yourself unfavourably with the life you think he's having. Yes, those of us who got dumped are the ones that got the shitty end of the stick... no getting away from that.... but we also gain freedom, independence and the chance to start fresh without a cheating moron hanging round our necks like a millstone. The OW gets that dubious pleasure instead.

If you don't feel like being fake jolly at parties, don't go. Do whatever it is that makes you feel better about yourself - not what other people think you should be doing. Keep doing this and you'll find that eventually you're in the driving seat and can look forward with more optimism.

Good luck

My family are split. My dad lives in his own and has his own problems. He doesn't do anything for me. He loves te children but seems
Incapable f doing anything with/ for them. He is wrapped up in his own problems and still expects me to run sound after him because I am female. His behaviour infuriates me at times!

My mum is complicated. We haven't spoken for 5 years but have recently got close. She is helping me with kids tomorrow so I can go out with my friends. She is being a good help at the moment and I like having her away but she lives over 2 hours away and not able to visit very often. She also has little digs at me a lot of the time. And then tells me I am sensitive. I am working on developing a thick skin!

All I crave is a normal family. With parents that care. I never had it as a child and desperately wanted it for my children. I won't fail them but I fear their dad will!!

You will feel better..you will build a happy new life with your children and one day meet someone who is perfect for you. I thought id never be happy. I was a single mum at 19..had nowhere to live, got into an abusive relationship. Then i realised one day,, how much life has to offer. I got rid of the idiot bf, got a great job, got a beautiful flat..then everything fell in to place and now im married with a dd too. I will never forget the emptiness, loneliness, boredom, sadness i felt at the time but one day things just become brighter and you look back and think 'phew! Im glad thats behind me now' and also you realise how strong you are. Be positive and look forward to what life has to offer you :)

I too am sorry to hear what a hard time you are having but I do think that is normal and it may last for a while. Grief has to take its own course sadly.

My prescription for you is to stop thinking about it. Cry, and then do something else. TV. Mumsnet. Read stuff on the internet. Read a book, whatever. If you turn and turn the prism and you still cant get the picture you want, look elsewhere. Life may be grey for a while bit it will pass. Hugs xxxxx And lucky you for having 2 babies x

Morning,

I am feeling bit better this morning. I think so much of my sadness is boredom. I think I am bored with the drudgery of my life and resent him for having such a lovely life with ow.

I need to pull myself together. My mum is having the children for few hours today so I can have a facial and massage then looking after them tonight so I can go out. I feel lucky to have this support.

Is it normal for me to view my glass as half empty. I used to be so positive and full of life. Just feel now like I am delicate and it doesn't take much to knock me down.

I'm starting back at work in Jan so I am hoping that it will help me.

It is really good to hear your positive stories and words if encouragement. I take strength from them and they help me to believe that one day me and my babies will be happy.

I'm in your situation and timescale and I have found work to be a life saver. Before I use to resent work but now I appreciate the time being with adults, it gets me out of the house and it provides a social life. I don't think I could have coped being at home - I would just dwell on the situation. Being at work doesn't give me time. Good luck.

Going back to work will be great as your life will feel busier and with more variety. More adult interaction will improve your self esteem. Recovering from a failed relationship takes a really really long time. Don't beat yourself up for still feeling low, its normal. Hugs.

"Is it normal for me to view my glass as half empty. I used to be so positive and full of life. Just feel now like I am delicate and it doesn't take much to knock me down. "

Yes it's normal when you've been through a stressful and traumatic experience. Even if you're really strong, the effort of coping day to day can use up all your reserves and there's nothing much left for additional problems. So little things can floor you. This is why it's important to try to steer yourself away from the original problem by taking care of yourself physically, keeping busy, making plans, looking forward and not allowing yourself too much time to dwell on negative thoughts from the past.

Also agree that work is a good healer. All the time you're focused on your job your mind gets a break and that really helps.

it's ok to have a bad night. it's part of the process. just coming on here and getting such great advice will help, esp cogito's words. they have helped me already today!

Even tho you prob don't feel like it, making that effort today to have a bit of you time is admirable. It show's you have your inner fight. I get where you are coming from about help from family, this is a harsh reality and piles up the difficulty in not just an emotional way but with practical help.

i will pop back to see how your day went. x

Struggling tonight!

It's my birthday. I went out last night with friends. Had a brill night and felt lovely. I'd got a new dress and shoes and felt really good. For the first time in ages!! Fast forward a few hours and I have spent most of the day in tears!

I never got a card off my children. It's really hurt me. They are only babies so not aware at all but it has cut into me. I know it wont always be like this but jeez it feels bad at the mo. My day has been surrounded by all my lovey friends and I've had nice presents and a meal out but I just feel sad. They were all their in couples and i was kn my own with my babies. My eyes are stinging from crying so much. God knows how I will get through Christmas. Life is just so tough.

Don't know what I've been crying about. Not wanting my dirty cheating ex back but more about the way I've been treated, left on my own to deal with everything and not given a bit of thanks in form of a card from my kids. It just hurts.

I just want to give you a hug. Where in the uk are you?
Happy birthday, sending support to you xxx
I'm having a sad day too, just look at your sleeping babies it dulls the pain a little

I'm in the Midlands. I will be okay. I'm just sad and want today to be over with.

I've just snuggled my little babies. They are amazing. Hard work but amazing.

I will try not to let that waste of space ruin another day of my life. I just need to get strong x

You don't need to get strong, you are strong.
I don't look to the future anymore. A wise MNetter told me the future is getting up everyday when you want to give up. Concentrate on surviving the day and do at least one thing for yourself that makes you happy.
For me that's a dog walk.
Your stronger than you think.
I heard these today you might like:

Never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love and the one you love will have left.

Don't expect to find the right person if you aren't prepared to let the wrong person go

You are fully responsible for everything you are, everything you have and everything your about to become

Read this sentence that poppywillows has writtenThen i realised one day,, how much life has to offer and then read her advice Be positive and look forward to what life has to offer you.

The truth is that we create our lives and it is wiithin your power to create a good life for yourself and your dc that is not dependent on the will or the whim of others.

Use this time to take stock and to visualise what you do and what you don't want in your life, and resolve that 2013 will bring you all the joy and abundance that is rightfully yours.
,

"They were all their in couples and i was kn my own with my babies"

And a few months ago you were that seemingly happy couple as well. Others may have regarded you with envy. Truth is no-one knows what's going on in other people's relationships and things go wrong all the time. For all you know, some of those friends may be looking at you... fabulous in your new dress with your independent life and your lovely children .... and wishing they have what you have

This time of year is tough but, as the MN mantra has it 'this too will pass'.... You are strong enough.

Nomorepain where in the midlands? I'm in derby and always looking for a friend

There is an age old saying that goes like this: If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you are married to a man who cheats on his wife.

It confused me at first, but once i got it, it makes perfect sense. If he cheated on you he will most likely cheat on her. Don't waste your energy hating them, focus it on making your life better.

Although you loathe OW at the moment, she did help you see what an utter twunt your Ex is.

It takes time to heal, trust me i know, but you will get there, and you will be ten times happier than you ever where.

Also, i am not adverse to entertaining babies if you need a break