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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

christmas hell!

55 replies

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 12:32

hi everyone, i need some advice as i dont know if the way im acting is completely out of order or not.
every christmas since meeting my husband, we've gone to his parents house, 2 hrs away. we dont visit them as much as my hb would like and theyre a very close family. he loves to go there and relax. I cant relax there at all though, i feel i cant be myself as theyre very different to me and theres just a really tense atmosphere. there are lots of other reasons i dont like to stay there but i wont make this in to a mamouth thread!
So this christmas it was agreed we'd have it here at home but go to his parents on boxing day. he said he wanted to stay for a week and i asked for a compromise - to go boxing day and come back the next day. He said 'im not having that' and went in to a rant about why im stopping him seeing his family and how he wont allow me to do this anymore. he said he'll drive me back earlier but keep our daughter there for longer. i saw this as a threat and got very upset that he'd do that. now i feel im going whether i like it or not as the only other option is that he'll take our daughter :(
this morning im wondering whether i should apologise. feeling very mixed up!
i hope some of you can give me some advice. thank you

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 14/12/2012 12:38

Have you spoken in the past about how uncomfortable you feel at their house? Is he aware of the tense atmosphere or is he quite happy in their company? Staying with any family for a whole week over Christmas is pushing the envelope for most of us, I think. A two-hour drive is hardly the other side of the world.

TheGreatGatsby · 14/12/2012 12:42

The arguing, the threats, the using your daughter as bargaining tool - none of that is on and has to stop. But it seems to be your husband has a point in that you do seem to stop him spending time with his family. Unless there is a more substantial reason for why you don't want to go there than just that you feel uncomfortable, I think you need to make an effort for the sake of both your husband and daughter. It is totally understandable that they want to spend time with parents/grandparents at Christmas.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2012 12:43

How many Christmases are we talking about here?. How long have you been together?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is he like with you on a day to day basis?. He does not sound like a good person to be around at all.

You seem to never have any say in this matter and that is wrong. You do not seem to be allowed to have any opinion whatsoever because he thinks that what he says goes.

re this part of your posting:-
"So this christmas it was agreed we'd have it here at home but go to his parents on boxing day. he said he wanted to stay for a week and i asked for a compromise - to go boxing day and come back the next day. He said 'im not having that' and went in to a rant about why im stopping him seeing his family and how he wont allow me to do this anymore".

SO he's gone back on that arrangement now too. This behaviour of his is also worrying on a lot of levels; he is not your parent but treats you like a child. By saying that you're not allowed to do this to him any more, apart from him being ridiculous is also him being controlling. How will it look to his DD if you as her Mum is returned to your family home earlier?. She will undoubtedly be confused not just to say worried.

foolonthehill · 14/12/2012 12:45

Not sure what the problem is with him and dd staying a bit longer whilst you have some me time. Do you not feel she would be safe with him/them?

It's really tricky being a guest when you feel uncomfortable, and for that reason I would think that you being there for only a brief amount of time is sensible. However if your DH is comfortable and your DD is happy and he/they have the time off then you could plan a fab weekend and new year as a family and visit some friends/family of your own that you don't see so often.

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 12:46

I agree. I feel i should make the effort. Its been a long standing argument whenever he wants us to go and stay there as he knows i dont enjoy it. Ive said i dont mind going for the day but i dont like to stay over. The arguments and using our daughter as a bargaining tool is what im most upset about. I just dont know what to say to him now when he gets home tonight.

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 12:48

You say your dh loves to go there and relax...but there's a really tense atmosphere...how does that work then?

A week is a long time, one overnight is not. Is there not some space in between - 2/3 nights? - that would be a fairer compromise?

You are not doing a very good job of explaining why you don't like to go. It's not unreasonable for your husband to want to spend time with his family?

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 12:50

Apart from this, hes lovely. Kind, caring..we're a good couple. However when it comes to his family, he gets very defensive and feels im trying to take him away from them as i always get anxious about staying there.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2012 12:50

Why is he so insistent on staying with his parents for a week?. Do they visit you very often?.

Why do you think he acts this way with regarrds to his parents?.

How close is he to these people; do you feel that he would ultimately choose them over you?.

MissCellania · 14/12/2012 12:51

You sound as if you are controlling the time he gets to spend with his family, which is very little, purely for your own comfort. Is that fair?

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 12:52

Why do you get so anxious?

Is it a problem with them, or a problem with staying away from home?

How old is your DD?

I'm sure that you can find a reasonable compromise here, if the rest of your relationship is good?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/12/2012 12:52

If you don't like going, then you shouldn't have to go. However i wouldn't see a problem with him and your DD staying for a bit longer. Obviously he should not have said it in a threatening manner, but would it be that bad if they stayed a bit longer, maybe not a week though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2012 12:52

Why do you get so anxious exactly; there are always reasons why. For instance are either one or both his parents say unkind things to you out of your Hs earshot or have they cast aspertions on your character and/or ability to parent?.

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 12:53

Hes said we'll go for two night now-that was after arguing allll night! I dont like to go as i suffer from anxiety and ibs - his mum thinks its me being awkward and i spend the whole time in the loo! I wasnt going to say but as you asked...! I just feel more comfortable at home especially when im feeling 'unwell'!

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 14/12/2012 12:53

Why is keeping your DD with him for a few extra days a threat? I wouldn't see it that way at all, but perhaps you have reason?

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 12:57

I guess its not a threat but the way he said it was threatening - we were aguing and it came across like he was using her as a 'bargaining tool'

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 12:58

I'm sure you do feel more comfortable at home if you're having a flare-up , that's understandable.

Perhaps he could get his parents to be a bit more understanding.

If not staying for one night, then he & DD staying a couple of nights longer seems entirely reasonable. Unless your DD is only very young.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 14/12/2012 13:04

I suffer with anxiety and IBS, so I sympathise. But I think his compromise is a fair one tbh. Unless his family are abusive or something, then he and your daughter will probably have a lovely time. I have to visit my IL's for 5-7 days at a time, and sometimes I do find it hard work. But I love DH, the IL's love my DC, so I have to get on with it. Giving in to the anxiety can sometimes be counterproductive, and I say this as someone who hates flying but has to get on a plane for these visits.

Pancakeflipper · 14/12/2012 13:05

I understand your fears of anxiety as they amplify when away from home but I don't think you can keep your husband from a family he is close to. Let him and DD stay over ( unless DD is a young baby) for an extra. Kills of days. Then everyone will be happy.

What about inviting them more often to yours during the year so there's less pressure to spend so much time together at Christmas?

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 13:09

They do drive down here for the day regularly but he thinks its unfair that theyre doing all the work. I think i'll stick it out for the 2 nights and we'll all come home. I dont mind my dd staying there with him but not if he threats to 'take her'..he couldve said it in a nicer way!

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:17

How old is your DD? Makes a big difference.

DingDongKethryverilyonHigh · 14/12/2012 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 14/12/2012 13:26

Sorry, but by the sounds of it you are a bit unfair on your dh, the dc and your ILs. If all of them would like to spend some time togerher, why can't they, just because you don't like it? Could you not be a bit more generous about this?

You sound very anxious, but I really don't think that means everything has to be according to your wishes. You have already spoiled the visit quite a bit by having a massive row over it.

Then again, I donT know your ILs, and if they are truely obnoxious you would be right!

But are they.....?

forgetmenots · 14/12/2012 15:25

Is there more to this than you're letting on? Is your DH completely beholden to his birth family over the needs of you and your daughter? (Just a thought).

Where are your parents in this OP if you don't mind me asking? What about your DD's time with them?

2 nights is much better but you will have to hold him to that.

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 15:35

I thought just one night would be acceptable but my anxieties ARE effecting the amount of time he spends with them. Ive told him im happy for him to take dd for weekends away to their place in future (shes 23 months btw) so they can have more time and i am happy to stay there for the agreed 2 nights. I apologised for being selfish but also said i was very upset how he said he'd 'take dd away' if i refused to co-operate. I hope ive said/done the right thing!

OP posts:

Original poster

poppywillows · 14/12/2012 15:40

My parents are quite local but we're not a tight knit family,ive had a very different life to my husband whos always been ruled by his mum. Im very independant and find it a strange way to be. His family are closer than most due to a bit of a tragedy that happened when he was younger. Before we met, he spent a lot of time there and hadnt ever lived with a woman before. Its been 6 years now since we met and i do feel my needs are seond to his (and his families) his sister recently divorced her hb because he was 'causing rifts' within their family so maybe hes comparing me to him?

OP posts:

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