christmas hell!

[poppywillows]

hi everyone, i need some advice as i dont know if the way im acting is completely out of order or not.
every christmas since meeting my husband, we've gone to his parents house, 2 hrs away. we dont visit them as much as my hb would like and theyre a very close family. he loves to go there and relax. I cant relax there at all though, i feel i cant be myself as theyre very different to me and theres just a really tense atmosphere. there are lots of other reasons i dont like to stay there but i wont make this in to a mamouth thread!
So this christmas it was agreed we'd have it here at home but go to his parents on boxing day. he said he wanted to stay for a week and i asked for a compromise - to go boxing day and come back the next day. He said 'im not having that' and went in to a rant about why im stopping him seeing his family and how he wont allow me to do this anymore. he said he'll drive me back earlier but keep our daughter there for longer. i saw this as a threat and got very upset that he'd do that. now i feel im going whether i like it or not as the only other option is that he'll take our daughter :(
this morning im wondering whether i should apologise. feeling very mixed up!
i hope some of you can give me some advice. thank you

Poppy I thought this might be the case.

Obviously your relationship with your parents is up to you and not the point of this, but it's interesting that DH's parents so firmly rule the roost, whether you are close or not - and that disquiet with them has already caused one of their children's marriages to break.

I don't want to sound like I am berating your DH, but this rang a few bells with the earliest days of my (very unpleasant) inlaw situation. I see you've been together for six years, but I suppose what I'm asking is if he is willing to take your DD (horrible word choice) and effectively separate your family to placate his mother, where do you fit? Are you a full family member to them? It's a dangerous precedent if he isn't willing on most occasions to put the needs of his wife and daughter first, whether that means taking his parents to task on their attitude to your illness, or reducing the length of visits.

But he should definitely see that staying there with DD when you have had to leave because you don't feel comfortable isnt fair.

I think him driving me back then going back again with our dd would make me look ridiculous so its not going to happen. Its not just that the ILs rule the roost, but he finds it all stressful here at home wuth day to day life and looks forward to going back there to forget everything for a while and have everything done for him. I cant understand this way of living - i love having a family and being at home..its not stressful. I wonder if he finds being a husband and father too much for him! Still, i have been made to realise its his way or no way when it comes to his family, which is a shame but then is that selfish of me? So confusing!

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

It is he who is being selfish here and I do wonder if he wants a family life with all its ups and downs at all. He after all made a choice to become a DH and a father to boot.

His own parents doing everything for him at home really did him no favours at all. I have a nasty feeling that when push came to shove he would choose his own birth family over you. He would not want to upset his mother and wants her approval above all else, particularly as she has ruled over them for so long.

It's not selfish poppy, perhaps talking to him about the stress he seems to feel day-to-day is where to start?

Youre absolutely right. I am sure he would choose them over me and his sister already has done that with her now ex hb! I would never make him choose of course but it does make me wonder why i would want to be second best for all of my life and not be heard. His argument is that im selfish and i always have a problem with him seeing his family. I really dont..i just dont like to stay overnight. He will probably never understand this and its taken personally. Apart from all this, we are happy. He works hard but is constantly tired, we dont do too much together but we get along well. I wonder if this will be the thing that ultimately finishes us :(

As someone who has spent a good few uncomfortable Christmases with in-laws when I can never feel relaxed for various reasons, I have come to realise that you either have to stick out for what you want or go along with what everyone else wants. I think your idea of a compromise is better. Hope your dh might be able to explain to your in-laws your medical condition, but sadly, in some cases, some people are oblivious to other people's health problems, expecially if they are very fit themselves! They might understand, but if they don't, you'll have accept they probably never will. I know the feeling well!! And the feeling that whatever you say, your dh will side with his mother!

If your dh and dd want to go there it might be better just to go for a short time. A week is really unreasonably long, I agree with the comments of others. It helps me to think that Christmas is usually about what other people want. When it's over, you can have me time with less pressure. Sometimes it ain't worth sticking out for your own desires, but only you can decide that, really. Good luck!

Thank you :) i think youre right!

I think he you need to be able to voice these concerns without fear that he is going to just dismiss them. He sounds like he is very much in the grip of his parents, and I'm afraid that isn't a close family, it's a dysfunctional one). I'd recommend the book Toxic InLaws by Susan Forward which is excellent and making sense of some of these patterns.

You shouldn't feel that you and your daughter come second in your husband's life. The fact that you are worrying about this 'finishing' what you've descirbed as an otherwise strong marriage should show you that your instinct is telling you something very important. You aren't asking him to choose (and FWIW, I think you are right not to). But he is forcing your hand by counting to ignore your very reasonable requests. The sister's behaviour does not really surprise me. My SIL is single, and every relationship she has tried to start has ended either because MIL has asked her to end it for the family's sake (!) or because the partner has been accused of not fitting in. And the cycle begins again.

For your dd's sake I would try to think of a strategy to address this, but begin by equipping yourself with as much info as possible. In my case my MIL has 'narcissistic personality disorder'. Sound like psychobabble? I googled it and got the shock of my life, it was page after page that could have been written just for me and DH. Find out what you think the dynamic is. Try and (gently) broach with your DH. To turn an old maxim on its head, this is not just about Christmas, it's about life. good luck. Happy to talk more about this, I could have written this post, DD aside, a few years back.

PS don't want the last post to sound dramatic but it sounds to me like there is more to this than just Christmas - of course if you feel you can compromise on the visit, that's fair. I'd still urge you to have a think about the wider situation though.

It sounds like our IL's are very similar. Its good to know im not alone on this one. I know whatever i say will be falling on deaf ears..i need to do a lot of thinking.

Good luck poppy. Definitely have a read and a think about how the family works, to understand a bit better will help you make sense of it when DH's behaviour seems odd.

You're not alone! There are a whole crowd of people out there with families like this, it can be a shock but its helpful to know it isn't you!

... difference being dingdong is that you sound like you do compromise and it is just about Christmas. FWIW I love Christmas with all my nearest and dearest too, as most do - this just sounded strange to me as it was very one sided.

I'm really not trying to paint Poppy's DH as anything (I hope to goodness she has had an easier time than I did so I really don't want to project), that's why I was careful to ask questions. Read er follow up posts, I'm sure your DH would respond differently (if a bit Grinch-like ).

I apologise poppy if it came over like that.

No you are all very helpful. If you met him though youd be very surprised as hes the most caring person in the world and we are such a good match. Thats why its so upsetting that we cant agree on this one. I think the bottom line is that his family are very, if not more important, than i am. This argument comes up every christmas about me not letting him see his family enough throughout the year - all because of my problems and because i dont want to stay overnight. He cant understand it.

I think he'd go once a month if work allowed him to (he works pretty much every day until late) but hes starting a new job in january and he'll get all the holidays. Ive said im more than happy for him to take our dd to his IL's to stay but he hasnt replied yet. Its become a rule that xmas is at their house though which im not too happy about as what about what i want to do at xmas? I sugested every other year but hes not happy about that either. Ive got xmas day at home this year...but boxing day we go straight there.

It was more the unilateral decision making and the thought that the ILs wishes were coming first that prompted my questions poppy - that and the huge alarm bell of your SIL's divorce which may or may not be fair. I'm aware too though that it struck chords with my own situation so I don't want to impose that on this.

Dingdong, is your DH genuinely being a grinch or does he not get on with your folks? If it's just grumpiness HIBU .

Haha! well you have my sympathy there. Get him a Santa hat and tell him it's fancy dress that ought to really wind him up :)

He wasn't using your dd as a bargaining tool at all. He was merely saying he wants to spend more time than you with his daughter and parents.

If he'd have asked if he could keep her with him for a while longer so i could go home, that wouldve made sense but to say 'if you leave my parents house then dd is staying with me and you have no right to stop me keeping her' then it does come across differently when youre having a row!

dingdong, my DF has one with 'merry f*ing Christmas' on it because he can be a grump! I'm pregnant so no joining in with drinking this year (boo hoo) but it will still be my Christmas treat to watch his mood slowly improve as he got a bit tipsy...!

Poppy, you've got to go with your instincts here, you know much more about this - if it's a simple Christmas tug of war it could be that tongue-biting for the two nights is the way forward for some harmony over the cranberry sauce. If it's a wider issue as I kind of suspect I'd still say have a think and keep your eyes open. Your DH sounds like a nice guy who is either a) just a big kid at Christmas or b) unwittingly childlike when faced with any decision involving his parents. Mine is lovely and he certainly used to be in the b) category.
Only you can know and it is a fine line. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Hes definitely 'b' !

B) : Harder to deal with in the long run in my experience, poppy, but (small positive I know) it does mean that he's not trying to be petty or difficult about Christmas, he's just doing what he knows. It's more difficult to compromise with, too. But you have. And you are happy together.

There are plenty of people with similar issues on MN if you need more help (in the meantime I'd have a peek at the book I mentioned if you can) and hopefully Christmas will pass without too much discomfort. I do feel for you, I hope you manage to have a lovely time