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Original poster

Sex Texts

52 replies

wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:02

Found disgusting sex texts on phone of boyfriend (of 2.5 years).

Girl is an ex he was seeing - not an ex gf.

Date back to two weeks ago.

Says nothing more is going on (I do believe him as in that time we have moved out of our house and in with my mum so we have been with each nearly every evening and weekend).

Started crying. Told me it was nothing but a bit of excitement and claims he now realises we do have issues with our sex life (I've been telling him we do for months).

I do want to move on. Says he realises what he stands to lose -he's been on best behaviour. Clingy

But I can't help but just feel sick to my stomach...

Will it pass or is that the end?

I don't want it to be but I feel like that's what I should be doing Hmm

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 13/12/2012 15:05

I wouldn't be with a man if i found out he was sending disgusting sex texts to anyone, yuck.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:08

But people do make mistakes... No?

OP posts:
BluelightsAndSirens · 13/12/2012 15:09

Yuck. So instead off addressing issues within his relationship he takes up sex texting with another women?

Does he still have her number. Do you trust him?

QueenieLovesEels · 13/12/2012 15:11

I'd show the shifty little squit the door.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:14

Since this all kicked off he's determined to show me how it was a mistake and I can trust him again.

She texted him yesterday morning and he proudly showed me his replies and then deleted the number, in front of me.

He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again."

I'm trying to see this has - it may be the kick up the arse he needs? Or am I just being too nice. I just love him so much and I can't believe he did this.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 15:15

One inappropriate text would be a mistake.... a series of 'disgusting sex texts' to an old flame in pursuit of excitement when you have sexual issues with your girlfriend of 2.5 years isn't a mistake it's a complete breach of trust and contemptible behaviour. If he's just a boyfriend and you don't have anything concrete like kids together or a mortgage then don't waste time on the whys and wherefores. Of course he's on best behaviour because he's sorry he got caught. Won't last...

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 15:16

"He wrote to her "My girlfriend has seen the texts. I now want to concentrate on my relationship and do not text me again" - she put "I'm sorry I will not speak to you again.""

Oh please... what a set-up. Hmm After a scripted routine like that he should finish with a song....

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:19

Yeah but he's not an actor - he emotion less and he was sobbing on Sunday holding me saying I know I've made a mistake if I can get help please can we get through this...I know him if he wasn't arsed he would have just left.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 15:23

If you've made up your mind that it's nothing, then carry on as you are. But that 'sick to your stomach' feeling is because you suspect there's more to this. As you're living at your mother's place, could you send him home to his parents or to stay with a friend for a while until you've made up your mind how you really feel?

IME sex texts are often foreplay between people who are hooking up IRL.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:26

Yes. Maybe you're right.

I think I need a bit of space and time.

Living with him while he suffocates me with kisses and apologies - it's just exhausting.

Thanks for your replies x

OP posts:
scaevola · 13/12/2012 15:27

You do need to treat this as an affair (and do not discount the possibility that it was also hands on). Breaking it off and having no contact with her is an important first step. But do you really believe it is over? Will he let you check his phone and emails? Do you know where he is when he is not with you?

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:35

He doesn't really have fun of a social life.

He works a lot and goes to the gym and that's about it.

Can't remember the last time he went out - June maybe.

That's why there is a part of me that does believe these were just stupid texts.

Yes - has let me check both and is now, obviously, fine with me just asking to look.

He said to me last night, I f*ked up let me show you, that I am sorry and that it is wrong to become complacent" - we kind of left last night as, lets see how we go. If nothing improves - if I don't think he is putting effort into us then I think I will have to call it a day. IMO it's one thing to make a mistake, learn from it and then make changes but it's another to just make a huge mistake and hurt the one you love. If this changes his attitude to us then fine - ok it was a stupid way to learn a lesson, but as least he did - but if nothing changes and he's goes back to just taking me for granted, well, I think I deserve better.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 13/12/2012 15:41

When I was young and naive I had an affair with a married man. His wife found out, he rang me and told me he was going to call me when she was there to tell me that he was calling it off blah blah. I wanted to end it anyway so for me that was it.

He called me a couple of hours later and asked to continue with the affair.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:44

So - I don't even give me a chance?

i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x

OP posts:
BOFingSanta · 13/12/2012 15:50

Do what you like love, it's your life. But I wouldn't say it was a mistake either- a mistake is an accidental and momentary lapse of judgement, not something which takes thought and planning and goes on over time. Added to which, he sounds like a whiny pain in the arse, but hey, I'm not going out with him, so that doesn't matter.

You sound like you've made your mind up, fine.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 13/12/2012 15:55

Haha Santa. Yeah, he has been since he was found out.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 13/12/2012 15:58

So you want a sex texting whiney pain in the arse do you?

Hasn't respect for him somewhat diminished?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 13/12/2012 16:18

I'm not sure that after 2.5 years things should have got complacent. I've been with my OH for nearly 6 years and if he did this, he'd be out the door.

That said, if you want to give it a go, go for it. Just make sure that you show him that you won't put up with it again. I'd ask him to go and stay at his parents for a few nights. Tell him you need to think. If he loves you as much as he says, he won't mind, and he'll gain an understanding of what he is risking here. If his crying and claims are lies, he'll start texting her again. Or sleeping with her again.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 17:17

"i just write him off as a liar and that's that? x"

The fact is that he is a liar and that he has been secretive and deceptive about his connection with someone other than you. If you hadn't found the texts it would probably still be going on.

This doesn't mean writing him off exactly but it does mean acknowledging that he is untrustworthy. So your future relationship, should it continue, will be coloured by that knowledge. It will be one where you may not be so happy for him to go to the gym because... well... how do you know he's actually at the gym all that time and not popping over to some girl's place for a quickie? You're going to wonder who it is every time a text beeps... or an e-mail arrives... or he's on the phone.... or he's half an hour late. He's on good behaviour now but how long before he starts to get resentful and accuses you of being suspicious? How long before your self-esteem takes a hit because he preferred someone over you enough to affect your sex-life?

So it's not necessarily 'LTB' or writing him off as a liar but do be fully aware of what it means to get back with someone who has let you down as seriously as this. It's no picnic.

MrsFlibble · 13/12/2012 23:18

My ex was sending messages to an ex girlfriend (from 20 years, been "just friends since, gave me the "my exes never let me have female friends" bullshit, thats another story)

When i threatened to leave, he blubbered and whined like a bitch, promised to change and you all know the script, few months later, he left me to be with her.

So, if you want to work on your relationship then keep an eye out, because just because a man blubbers his eyes does not mean hes reformed.

dequoisagitil · 13/12/2012 23:26

Read Cogito's post a few times. x

dequoisagitil · 13/12/2012 23:27

The 17:17 one of Cog's.

nkf · 13/12/2012 23:28

You don't have to give him a chance. You can if you choose. You seem to feel as if you want to dump him but you think it might be unfair. Because he cried? Because he promised to reform? You can do what you like you know. Do you have children? That might change my opinion. But if it's a relatively short term boyfriend and you have no other reason to be together apart from love and respect and liking, then please yourself.

Original poster
wishIwasonaBeach · 14/12/2012 08:37

Thank you for your replies.

I don't want you to think I am being dismissive and I do think you have all raised points that I need to go away and think about.

Obviously trust will now be an issue and maybe I am being naive and in a few months it'll all come out of the wood work and in fact a few sex texts were something a lot more but I feel like everything else is too good to just give up and move on.

I know it's a cliche but I know this man. He's behaved like a total pr1ck - but if he wasn't bothered about me/our relationship, he would have just left on Sunday when this all came out. I know he would. He also would not have gone through all the bother of moving into my mum's with me - (which is for my benefit I have a bit od debt to clear up).

Maybe you're all right and I'm just being a young idiot in love but I think it's worth fiind this out on my own, the hard way.

Btw no dc's and I'm 25 he's 29.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
Offred · 14/12/2012 09:08

Beware placing too much emphasis on the idea that because he didn't leave he wants you/the relationship. All it really tells you is that on Sunday he didn't want to leave not that he did want you or even that he did want to stay. Not wanting to leave can be for many reasons.

The other thing I would say is why are you making your decision based on guesses about whether he wants to be with you or not? Why aren't you deciding whether you want what he is offering to you?

You say the rest of the relationship is too good to lose but you also say you are only 2.5 years in and he has been taking you for granted and your sex life has suffered? Those two statements don't match up unless you have quite low demands from a relationship (not a good thing).

Plus taking you for granted + sex life problems + sexting + going to the gym a lot = affair doesn't it really, that's what I'd be thinking.

I also majorly dislike his "my girlfriend knows and has told me to stop talking to you text" which is a very clear message to her that he still wants to speak to her and probably supports all the "waaaah, she's controlling and she doesn't understand me, I can't leave her just now because I'm such a nice guy, I wish we could be togetherrrrr....." Crap he has told her.

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