Sex Texts

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Found disgusting sex texts on phone of boyfriend (of 2.5 years).

Girl is an ex he was seeing - not an ex gf.

Date back to two weeks ago.

Says nothing more is going on (I do believe him as in that time we have moved out of our house and in with my mum so we have been with each nearly every evening and weekend).

Started crying. Told me it was nothing but a bit of excitement and claims he now realises we do have issues with our sex life (I've been telling him we do for months).

I do want to move on. Says he realises what he stands to lose -he's been on best behaviour. Clingy

But I can't help but just feel sick to my stomach...

Will it pass or is that the end?

I don't want it to be but I feel like that's what I should be doing

[nkf]

I didn't realise you were so young. I wouldn't give him the time of day. Oh, to be be 25 again.

[badinage]

Context is everything. As Cogit said, if it's a 20-30 year relationship and it's the first time someone's let you down so there's lots of good history in the bank, you might be able to forgive a lapse of judgement, presuming that you had a good relationship beforehand.

But when you're in your twenties, have only been with someone a couple of years, the sex isn't great and he's already looking elsewhere? I just can't see the point of continuing. I'd assume he wasn't ready to commit to monogamy and that it would happen again.

[Slippersox]

Jane and Cogito are right about context and history of relationship as a whole.My first serious boyfriend cheated on me many moons ago after a 3 year relationship.We got back together but it only lasted another 6 months.My heart simply wasn't in it.Basically he blew it.And I had so much of my life ahead and I had changed as a person since we first got together.
Well I've changed again as a result of my DHs actions.Older, wiser, more cynical sadly.But for many other reasons to many to detail have decided to stay.Its not that I fear being alone, actually I feel strangely independent even though still married, and maybe that's not a bad thing.I live more for the day.Have focused on my friends and hobbies far more.My DH I think can sense a shift in me, a strength and resolve and whilst I don't want him forever apologising and wearing a hair shirt he knows he's lucky to have a second chance with me.Previous to this I would have expected to be very black and white and throw him out.Confusingly life's just not that simple.

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Yeah. I have experience (not directly - but another post for another day).

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

OK just checking. You'd be amazed how many allegedly straight men use gyms for gay encounters..

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Well - there was a picture of a woman within the texts - in stockings etc.
"Look at what Im wearing to my job interview etc..." PS I'm using that as a sick face!

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

It was definitely a woman he was texting?

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Hmm I dont think he takes any steroids. Consumes a LOT of protein. 2 cans of tuna a day + 2 protein shakes but - nothing 'artificial' as far as I'm aware. I have thought about it before though.

[AndrewMyrrh]

Out of interest, do you think the sexual difficulties are related to steroid use, given that the gym is his main interest?

[AndrewMyrrh]

Crikey, if I was in my mid-twenties, with no joint commitments or mortgage, I wouldn't be giving this a second thought.

Do you really think this this guy is the best you can do?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Context certainly is important. A 30 year partnership, previously unblemished character and children etc is a completely different animal to a couple that haven't been together long. So many people end up stuck in bad relationships because they get together young, they're in love & they forgive what look like minor slip-ups in the early days when it's relatively easy to part ways. 10 or 20 years go by, the errors get repeated and, by the time they realise that they've made a bad choice of partner, they have the mortgage, the kids, maybe financially reliant ... and it's horrible all round.

[janelikesjam]

I think context is important and so I agree with WantstoMakeThingsRight in that sense. The OP will always have some aspects and subtleties of the story that others will not have, as well as having the decisive, casting vote! But Cogito has a point as well - sometimes we cannot see the truth staring us in the face, or we can see it but its obscured for whatever reason ... others shining a torch or seeing something just off our radar, doing a bit of straight talking there can help. Personally, I really enjoy the broad array of different views and reflections on MN.

Re. what Slippersox says, is a good example of context, where a a long marriage, a good man, genuine remorse, will say alot. In a way its really all about context - does the transgression confirm your worst fear about underlying incompatibility and different values, that this person may be someone to get out of your life or distance yourself from? Or something more to do with a moment of weakness or vulnerability in another wise loving and responsible person? I can't say I have had much experience of the latter , but I think it can be true.

[Slippersox]

Much older and with my DH almost 30 years when he was found out by OWs husband looking on her phone and discovering explicit texts. That was almost 3 years ago and we stayed together.Not easy and don't think I will ever feel the same tbh but daft as it sounds I do trust him not to do anything like that ever again.Technology can be insidiously addictive and what started out as friendly jokey banter got massively out of hand.He understands I will always regard this as an affair.They had actual day to day contact also via work and it still hurts to this day to think how much flirting they indulged in.
But he's a good man who has worked hard and been a fantastic dad to our DCs and done countless thoughtful things over the years.I truly think he lost the plot and got caught up in some sort of bubble.with work and family problems he was pretty low at the time.That's no excuse I know and he let me down enormously but I decided to give him a chance to prove he was really remorseful, and change his behaviour and boundaries re. other women.Not everyone would. On balance I'm glad I did.Hopefully we will grow old together and as time goes by this episode will be a dim, distant if still sad memory.Thats just the other perspective of chuck him out.

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Agreed CogitO

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

They sound as classy as each other...

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Sorry - that wasn't clear.

No not me/us.

The object of sex texts - OW x

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Or the object of the sex texts?

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Who's getting married? You OP?...

[wishIwasonaBeach]

Oh also - a bit I didn't tell you she's getting married in a few weeks.

You have all opened my eyes. I'm approaching this in my own 'style' and my own pace. I see and understand that now he has betrayed my trust any number of things could be going on behind my back - but I am going into this eyes wide open.

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me' This is what I am going into this thinking. I am prepared to see this as a slip up and move forward but I'm aware now and I will not ever forgive this or any other similar slipup again. I know I am worth more. I am a nice girl and a good gf.

Thanks again everyone - you're making me thinking of every single in an out of this situation and not just the emotional "but I lovvvve him" part x

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Why what? Why tell a young woman that people are not always what they seem, the ramifications of betrayal run deep and suggest she takes her relationship forward with her eyes wide open rather than shut?

Because it's what a friend would say.

[WantToMakeThingsRight]

Cogito why.why do you do it why do you persist tell me why

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"only YOU know your partner "

Small correction. She didn't know her partner was sending creepy sex texts... We all think we know people until they do something we're not expecting.

[WantToMakeThingsRight]

Wishiwasonabeach

only YOU know your partner

People do make mistakes in life half the so called advisors here have been bitterly hurt in the past and no longer trusts men period.

I think you are making the right decisions for yourselves

Sometimes things get out of proportion a sex txt becomes he must be sleeping arround or worse

You said things have not been great in the sexual side are there things missing that both of you need to address

work on making things right outside the bedroom first.

Just to warn you in the past I have been verbally attacked and abused by mumsnet Supposedly advice givers... so be forwarned just in case it happens again

do what's right for you

take care

[janelikesjam]

But agree OP WishIWasOnABeach, its your life, your decisions.

Agree most of us find out the "hard" way. But we also can "wake up" a bit with the help and sometimes support of others and this can make it "easier" on ourselves.

[janelikesjam]

I haven't really got anything to add to what others have said to OP. On the sexting alone I would only say two words "creep" and "bye" and put the rest of my energy into more interesting and positive things to do with my time.