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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nasty email from mother

38 replies

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 14:11

I thought when I sent you that e mail that you would see it as away of reaching out to each other . It looks like you have closed this door now,I am so angry, hurt and in such pain that I hope you will write anything like that again.But of course you will ,you and cannot help yourselves .So ok protect your children from their evil nana distance yourself from me ,but remember time goes quickly and we will run out of time one day.there are lots of things I could say about that e mail but I am hurting myself more by even trying ,I will write to from time to time you please yourself wether you let her read it .I love you so much that I am crying as I am writing this, please look after yourself, will ring you soon he thinks the world of you Goodbye xxx

Wouldn't you feel sorry for her? Wouldn't you think she was the one who was wronged?

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/04/2006 14:13

No she sounds like a manipulative old witch TBH.

milward · 11/04/2006 14:14

I have a very difficult & awful mother - keep strong & stand your ground. best wishes xxx

Blackduck · 11/04/2006 14:14

Rhurbarb, pu her email address in your junk sender list and don't read anymore....

Esmummy · 11/04/2006 14:14

I don't know what has happened prior to this Rhurbarb but yes, just from that email I would think she had been wronged by you.
Take it that is not the case at all ?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/04/2006 14:15

Esmummy

In a word, she is barking.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/04/2006 14:16

Esmummy

In a word, she is barking.

FastasleepInABunnySuit · 11/04/2006 14:16

COWBAG

sounds like mine the night after saying 'you're obese and disgusting' 'you're a failure to your children' 'you're a satanistic wh*re' (and she doesn't even know about my chatline job) and more possibly worse things...

Rhuby if and when you take her back into your life, it sadly always seems to happen to me - I'm visiting them on Friday for a week. Joy. Anyway if and when you take her back into your life - you be nice, jovial and friendly but don't you forget for a second about what she's like!!

tillykins · 11/04/2006 14:16

oh Rhubarb, I have one of those too, she's like trying to pick up mercury with a fork only more toxic

you can't win with these sort of mothers, never mind close the door, slam it shut

I don't know the whole story but I know more than my fair share about toxic mothers - I hope you find some peace

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 14:20

No Esmummy, I was wronged by her! Her husband was rather inappropriate with his hands to my 18yo niece and her friend when they all holidayed with us. I told her to tell him to lay off, discreetly. Then she told my niece what I had said, told my niece to tell her dad (my brother). Brother then feels that he has to have a word with mum about her husband's behaviour (he is letchy pig and always has been quite frankly), she fakes surprise that he knows, cue the wailing banshee phone call to me screaming may God forgive me for what I have done. She tells people I have accused him of being a pervert.

Lots of other damaging things done to siblings over the years, so I have now distanced myself from her. Got an email recently blabbing on about how hurt she is by me still, so my reply was to remind her that I have not yet received an explanation or apology for her behaviour, and that I feel I need to distance myself and my children from her as I fear more damage if I don't. This was her tear-jerking reply.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 14:23

Oh and the brother she mentioned in the email, that is my younger brother who has learning difficulties and is still living with her, because she won't let him live anywhere else and thinks that God will make sure he dies before she does as no-one else could possibly care for him as well as she does, anyway, I've been very involved with my brother in the past, before she stopped it, and I see this as a veiled threat. She can and probably will prevent me from seeing him or contacting him.

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 11/04/2006 14:24

tbh I think that email sounds like she was trying to play the marter. quite pathetic really, try not to let her get to you.

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 14:27

I'm glad you can all see through her. She still has the power to get to me, although I'll never let her know that. She'll tell my eldest brother and sister about the email, and she'll play the martyr to them too, so they'll feel obliged to contact me about it and I'll feel bad for getting them into trouble.
She is so scheming and manipulative it's unreal!

I did reply to her email btw! Not sure if it was the right reply or not!

OP posts:
Esmummy · 11/04/2006 14:38

Gosh Rhubarb how awful. I remember something in the past about your younger brother and you were concerned about him staying with your mum. I didn't realise things were this bad though.
When you hear the other side she definitely sounds like a scheming witch.

FastasleepInABunnySuit · 11/04/2006 14:39

Rhubarb I totally understand what kind of woman she is Sad wish I didn't!

Twiglett · 11/04/2006 14:43

Rhubarb .. she's good isn't she?

but you know you're in the right here

ignore it for now

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 14:51

But I've replied already! It will be the last reply though. I suppose I still feel the need to defend myself. This is what I put.

"That is just the kind of email I expected from you. Can you not see or
understand in any what whatsoever what you did that hurt me so much?
Ok, so let's forget about that, I don't expect an explanation or an apology.
I will never cut my children off from you, you should know that. I would
like to think that I am a reasonably-minded, fair and down to earth person.
I don't call people evil, I don't go around saying bad things, I don't get
involved in the arguments of the family. I have always listened to both
sides of the argument, with you, I've never taken
sides and refuse to do so even now. Your arguments are with them, not me,
so please don't involve me in them. And don't bring into it, I know
he loves me, but what has that to do with anything? I'll always be here for
as I would any of them!
I speak only from my own experiences and how I feel. I respect that what
you said in your email is how you feel, so you must respect my feelings too.

You can change things, you have that power. I'm always willing to listen,
always willing to talk. You know me very well and what hurts is that in
your mind you are turning me into a monster, someone who deliberately set
out to have a go at and who would keep her kids away from you, someone
who bitches about you to all members of the family, but that is not who I am
and you know that. I have no wish to perpetuate existing arguments, I have
nothing to gain by expanding on bitterness. What you say to me and what I
say to you stays with me, I don't tell others, why should I? What would I
stand to gain?

But this argument will run on and on. I want to let go of it and live my
life. I hope you can do that too."

I've probably done it all wrong by even answering, but there you go.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/04/2006 15:01

Very articulate, well put.

Rhubarb · 11/04/2006 15:07

Shame I won't get a half decent reply. It really is far too much trouble that it is worth. I just wanted her to understand why I am distancing myself from her, I suppose I feel the need to justify my actions because they are not the kind of actions I would have liked to have taken. So at least now I have put her in the picture, she cannot claim that she has no idea why I am like I am.

I have to try and remember that she has chosen this. I have given out a small olive branch in that email, she can still change things. It really is up to her.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 11/04/2006 15:21

I know how you feel Rhubarb. Her email sounds like hundreds I have received over the years - as LGJ says, she comes across as a manipulative old witch. Your reply is very reasonable and is more than she deserves. My only advice is not to flog yourself too hard - the chances of her listening to reason and having a sudden conversion to being a sensible mature adult are pretty slim, so pace yourself and look after your own happiness as well as trying to do the right thing. xx

Sakura · 17/04/2006 13:16

No, I dont feel sorry for her at all. I can see right through that e-mail, as anyone with a "difficult" mother could. In fact it sounds like my mother- particularly evil is the comment about your brother at the end. Unless Ive missed something, your relationship with him is completely separate from her, and by her writing that, she seems to be giving you permission to be in contact with him. Also, she said he thinks the world of you, as though you DONT think the world of him, which is most likely BS (my mum pulls stunts like that between me and my siblings). SHeS the one you dont get on with, not him, so why is she bringing him into it? I broke contact with my mother last July, for a variety of reasons and it was the best thing I ever did. My confidence is building and Im putting my life in order. Yours sounds toxic, like mine.

eidsvold · 17/04/2006 13:20

i think for your sanity you need to just block her email address and let it all go straight to the trash where it belongs. From the sound of this you have been very reasonable but you need to say enough is enough. Know that you have done your best, nothing more you could do - issue/problem is hers.

self indulgent cry baby crap.... bin it.

Rhubarb · 17/04/2006 13:21

Thanks Sakura. I sent her my reply and her reply to that was "sorry [Rhubarb]. Have a good Easter. Please pray for me" I don't quite know what to make of that. I'm very suspicious that it's another play for sympathy. So my only response was to ask her to use a different email address for me, I didn't respond to the actual email. She hasn't phoned me over Easter.

You are absolutely spot on with everything you mentioned in your mail. So I wonder what you make of her latest?

OP posts:
Sakura · 17/04/2006 13:23

Oh! I just read your second post about your brother. I think bringing him into it is malicious. One of my brothers is particularly vulnerable and impressionable and she hasnt let me be close to him for ages, like yours. It does sound like a veiled threat to me too. I dealt with it by just thinking, well my younger brothers all know I love them, whatever poison she feeds them about me, they are their own people and I hope they have the strength to come to their own conclusions in the future. If they dont and they feed into her propaganda, then I`ll just have to let them go.

jamsam · 17/04/2006 13:26

glad to see other people use the term COWBAG...i thought i was barking!
hope the situation sorts it self out..and without sounding like i have clue what has gone on, i hated my dad and we would often come to furious rows, untill he died suddenly and know i cant help but fell i should have told him why he pissed me off and that i did love him.
hope it helps...

eidsvold · 17/04/2006 13:29

her latest is to try and get you to feel sorry for the poor darling (puke) sorry but it seems like childish attention seeking behaviour. Your suspicion is correct - she is playing for sympathy. It just reads like one big guilt trip - the whole - time goes quickly part HUGE guilt trip - seems to think you will be standing at her graveside kicking yourself for not being nice to her.....

It seems she like to play games - she needs to deal with her anger and hurt rather than lashing out at others - mentioning your sis and bro is just not on... those relationships are separate to your relationship with her.

As to your brother - no way you can be appointed legal guardian and facilitate a move away from her if possible... just something to consider..

Just read the original story - why is she carrying on - her husband was inappropriate needed to stop and I felt you dealt with it appropriately and she has just gone ott. Pervert or not - those young woman did not need that sort of behaviour.