Nasty email from mother

[Rhubarb]

I thought when I sent you that e mail that you would see it as away of reaching out to each other . It looks like you have closed this door now,I am so angry, hurt and in such pain that I hope you will write anything like that again.But of course you will ,you and cannot help yourselves .So ok protect your children from their evil nana distance yourself from me ,but remember time goes quickly and we will run out of time one day.there are lots of things I could say about that e mail but I am hurting myself more by even trying ,I will write to from time to time you please yourself wether you let her read it .I love you so much that I am crying as I am writing this, please look after yourself, will ring you soon he thinks the world of you Goodbye xxx

Wouldn't you feel sorry for her? Wouldn't you think she was the one who was wronged?

Hi Rhubarb, I just saw your reply about the "pray for me" e-mail from your mum.

I can just tell you what I think about my MUm and you can apply it to you if you like because it sounds like they are similar.
I dont think shes ever ever EVER going to change. She must be 50 or so by now, so shes NEVER going to change. I think your e-mail to her was so full of hope that she will suddenly see your side and see reason, and give you some signs that she loves you, and it made me a little sad, because this woman is always going to be like this. I think its awful that she is controlling your brother to such an extent. Your heart must be bleeding that you cant get close to him and have a proper relationship with him, but that may be something you have to let go for the sake of your own kids.
Something snapped in me, and I realised she must be a little mentally ill, and it was VERY difficult having to accept that she was as bad as she was. I didnt want to believe it and I kept forgiving her and saying sorry and taking the blame for her craziness. I got married last year and now Im pregnant and that was part of my decision to break contact with her for a while. I realised that all the energy I was putting into her, I was taking away from my own family. I have my own family now, and I have to protect them from her poison.

IM still hoping for a letter of sanity to reach me from her with a genuine wish to build a relationship, but I have to accept its never going to happen. All Im going to ever get is the manipulative BS that you are getting now.

Lastly, I think my and your mother are control freaks (yours is obvious by the way she is dealing with your brother). Part of the manipulative behaviour comes from a need to control you. I personally believe that breaking contact for a while is the only way to get control back into your life and focus on your family for a while. Then when youre ready (Im not, yet), perhaps try again later on.
Breaking contact is SO emotionally difficult, but ultimately I think it was the right decision for me.

Thanks for that, everyone.
Sakura, our mothers do sound very similar! I think mine has a form of Munchausens. When the twin towers went down, she grabbed her phone book and phoned everyone she knew whilst it was happening. She thrives on dramas and crises because of the attention it creates for herself. That's why she constructed this little drama, she had no feelings for her own husband and the fact that his letchy ways would now be bandied round the family, she had no feelings for her own granddaughter caught in the middle of it and she had no feelings for me who was turned into a monster in her own head. She only knew what a drama it would create in the family and so she couldn't resist, she had to stir it even though the attention she got was negative, it was still attention.

I have broken contact. I wanted her to realise what she had done why I have broken contact. I have kept her emails and my replies to them. Even if she cannot see, at least I will know that I've told her, that I've tried. But I will never let her get close to me again, I have my own family to focus on.

I'm sorry about yours too. All we can do is to promise ourselves that we will never turn out like that, that we will put renewed energies into raising our own children the best way we can. Many congrats on your pregnancy, I hope you can continue without her toxic presence.

As for my brother, once we move back to the UK I will be closely involved in what is happening to him, I will not forget about him.

So sorry to hear all of this Rhubarb. Your and my mother must have been to the same school of histrionics and manipulation. I too have bashed my head into a brick wall for years trying to get my parents to understand my pov.
You're not alone. Keep thinking clearly. :)

They sound exactly the same. Its another issue, but its funny you mention the dramas. Mine is fixated on being in dramas and crises too. Me getting married last year was a fantastic chance for her to go the whole hog and get as much attention as possible. Me and DH paid for the wedding ourselves (mainly because I knew if I let her pay for anything, she would be able to manipulate me a lot. Then Id end up being an ungrateful b**ch etc). WHen I told her we wanted to pay for it ourselves, she went crazy. I had all the letters and stuff that you are getting now, about how she didnt understand why I was trying to hurt her in this way. Then telling me that "whatever you feel about them, your brothers will always love you" etc etc.

Im glad youve broken contact. Try to stick to your guns untill you feel better about the whole thing.

Im scared to death of turning out like her but I think by cutting her out of my life, I am acknowledging that I think her behaviour is unacceptable. If I was still forgiving her and putting up with her, it would be as if it was okay for a person to behave like that, and its not. When you said you cant imagine being like that towards your daughter, thats how I feel about this baby. Thats a good thing at least, but we should realise how far gone our mothers are when we realise how they are actually behaving toward their children.

As someone who has recently lost my mother I so want to say she has a point BUT Rhuby I have read so much of what your mother is like and I have had a difficult weekend with xmil (which has left husband deciding our child is better off not seeing his grandmother - something I agree) that I know it is never that simple. You need to know that you have done all that you could to save this relationship & then, hard as it is, you need to let go. Easier said than done I know. Good luck

I think I have done that Winnie. I have other siblings too and she has betrayed and hurt them too. I used to have a good relationship with her, I would listen to her point of view and try to be fair with her. When she betrayed me in this way it made me realise that she didn't really care who got in the way, she needed the attention more than she loved us. It's not her fault, I realise that, she doesn't really know what she is doing. But I have seen her try to manipulate and use the others and now I watch her trying to do the same to their children (writing letters and so on). I cannot allow that to happen to my own children.

I will never close the door, I will allow contact between her and my own children (supervised), I will send cards at Christmas and birthdays, but like Sakura has said, I cannot go on forgiving her and allowing her to carry on behaving in this way. By refusing to have this contact with her, I'm taking away one of her toys so to speak, I'm refusing to let her believe that this is acceptable behaviour that can go on unchallenged and without consequences.

I'm phoning tonight because I want to speak to my db, so wish me luck! I'm not looking forward to it.

her email is exactly the same style as my unhinged soon to be ex mil

i just told her to blow it out her ass

she has no contact with us now, aside from about 6m ago when she wasnt well, but xh spoke to her not me or the kids

Rhubarb,

Your Mother could be described as a "toxic parent".

If you haven't already done so may I suggest you read the publication called "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It may give you some more insight.

I would recommend this book to anyone affected by toxic family relations.

A couple of the mums here sound sooo like mine. She is only interested in Dramas and ringing round passing on news ( hopefully all bad!)
Her father my beloved grandfather died earlier this year and although she had not even clapped eyes on him in years she was first in line at the funeral.
She makes me sick.....
She does not see my children...Stand your ground rhubarb!

Good luck Rhubarb, can't really improve on the advice you have had from people who have had similar, horrible experiences with their mothers. But I will just say that even those of us who are at loggerheads with their mother only occasionally can spot your mother straightaway for the manipulative monster she is :( You really don't deserve this :(

Phoned and managed to speak to db straight away! I feel better for managing to talk to him so that he never feels that I'm abandoning him. I'll keep it like this, limited contact.

Thanks everyone for giving me perspective on this!

Thats great that you can manage to talk to your brother like that. Good luck with the long, difficult journey ahead.