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Original poster

Ex is being a twat, I'm a mess and i don't know what to do

43 replies

pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 22:52

I'm at a total loss at what to do with regards to my ex and access to our son (3 years). Ex has been so unreasonable recently, and it is making me utterly miserable.

Ex moved out earlier this year. Access was never sorted out properly as he worked away for the summer, so saw our son as much as poss when he was back. Since then I have been incredibly accommodating, ex has seen our son whenever he has wanted, turned up at a moments notice and never been denied access, I have even cancelled plans so that they could see each other. Our son is absolutely besotted with him, misses him lots and I want him to see his father as much as poss.

In the beginning it seemed like things would maybe work between us living separately. We were still sleeping together for a while after he moved out, but I found it incredibly confusing. I guess since I put a stop to it he has been unreasonable. All respect has gone, he speaks down to me in front of our son and still behaves as if the house is his. Nearly all visits are at my house, if we are eating he is always involved, and I basically make things as easy as possible so as not to upturn the apple cart. He basically gets everything his way and I am being taken advantage of. Enough is enough.

Reading this back I sound like a wet piece of lettuce, but I am a strong woman, who in truth is heartbroken that her relationship failed, and ex wasn't the man he appeared to be. I have tried many times to set out specific times when he can see our son so we all know where we stand. He never wants to do this and just swans in and out when he wants and is late for prearranged times to meet, waltzing in without an apology or a care in the world.

He makes me feel like shit whenever he is around, it makes me just want to move far away in order to save my sanity, but never would because of our son. I just hate the way he makes me feel and need help with how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 22:56

I am just so pissed off that he treats me like crap and I allow him to make me feel like shit. I am so scared that my son will see him talking to me to like that and think that is an acceptable way to treat me, and women as a whole.

He is a month late with maintenance, no apology. Just tells me he is sorting it. My rent is dependent on those payments, so have had to borrow from family. He just doesn't care, is selfish and unreasonable whenever I question anything.

I can't handle this negativity in my life. Feel like I will never be free from it. I wanted to be free from this crap when we broke up, but I'm not.

OP posts:
LetTheWookieWin · 09/12/2012 22:56

I'm not sure I'm in a position to offer advice as I could have written your post myself. I know how rubbish it is. I'm here to offer what support I can till more helpful people arrive.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2012 22:57

Set your baindaries.
Hand over ds on the door stop and say bye se you later have fun with daddy.
On return handover on doorstep,
Bye daddy see you next time.

Stop having your ex in your house. Set the boundaries physically .
Simples.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2012 22:59

Boundaries of course.

Find a way not to rely on his maintenance eg get part time job claim housing benefit etc.m

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 23:05

LetTheWookieWin I'm sorry you are in the same position. Thank you for your support.

cestlavielife I know, that all makes perfect sense and sounds so easy. Why the hell can't I do it then?

I need to get tough, I know I do. I have no family nearby, ex is the only one that can help with childcare and I hate the fact that if I need help he is the one I have to be beholden to.

I hate the fact that he gets to live this free life and float in and out of his sons when he feels like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 23:08

Whenever I try to set boundaries he makes out that I am being incredibly unreasonable and ignores them. I don't want our son to suffer due to his father being a dick and not respectig boundaries and therefore not coming round. How the hell do I enforce boundaries with someone who refuses to listen to anything I say?

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Original poster
pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 23:09

I guess I just set them and if he doesn't adhere to them, then well he doesn't.

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Spero · 09/12/2012 23:11

You are finding it hard because you are hurting and grieving and still trying to get your head around the fact that he wasn't a great guy and you have lost the future you craved. this is difficult, difficult stuff and it takes time, so be gentle with yourself.

But I agree, boundaries must be set otherwise in the long term your son will be damaged by learning bad lessons about how women are treated. Of course you need to be flexible on some occasions, people get ill, stuck in traffic etc your default should be, contact is at this place, at this time and if you don't come, tough. If poss, this should not be happening in your home as i think that this just adds to stress at this time.

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 09/12/2012 23:28

Yes Spero you've got it one. I am hurting. I didn't think I was. Thought I was over him and the whole situation.

It just seems that his lifestyle means that I end up helping him when in reality I shouldn't. He lives on a boat and doesn't drive. He works sporadically, so I end up lending him money. I shouldn't help him. It's pathetic. He's nearly 40 for fucks sale.

There's always a reason why he can't have our son overnight. Firstly it was the fact I still breastfed him at night. Once I night weaned him it became another reason. I want a sodding break!

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 09/12/2012 23:35

Build networks of other people. Stop relaying on himcoz you can't. He won't change. You can .

Viviennemary · 09/12/2012 23:43

I think I would start putting yourself and your son first. And if that means moving away then do it. I agree that he is unlikely to change so you must take the lead. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.

Jux · 09/12/2012 23:48

Can you not go to CPS, or at least get a free half hour with family law solicitor to get advice?

When you say he swans in and out, do you mean he has a key? (Change the locks or make sure the bolt's on.) make arrangements stating day, and time of pick up and drop off. Just before he's due, get your coat on and go to the street. When you see him get your ds ready quickly and meet him with your son, onthe outside of the front door. Then he has no reason to come inside. Keep the chain on the door and if he turns up at other times, just keep the chain on and tell him you'll see him whenever it is has been arranged, then shut the door. If he tries to force it open just call the police (or tell him you will). When he's behaving reasonably over money and everything else, and shown he's reasonable about contact, then you could -occasionally - be flexible with contact. If it isn't inconvenient to you.

Make a new email folder in your inbox and tell him to contact you only email, set up a filter whereby anything from goes straight into the new folder.

HettySunshine · 10/12/2012 10:36

Are you/ were you married?

You need to arrange to see a solicitor to get a contact arrangement drawn up - this is a document you both sign and is then sealed by the court - if he doesn't stick to it he is in breach of a court order.

Maintenance-wise, this is again something your solicitor will help with (if you have a low income you may well qualify for legal aid so no need to worry too much about the costs involved, also if he breaches the order and you need to go back to court you can ask for an order for costs to be made against him which means he pays your costs). How it is done depends on whether you were/ are married or if you were co-habit inch but don't worry - he is legal obliged to support your ds and possibly you too depending on your circumstances. Speak to a solicitor, he is not allowed to have this sort of control over you!

Be strong x

HettySunshine · 10/12/2012 10:37

Sorry, typed the previous from my sick bed on my phone. Apologies for the typos.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight · 10/12/2012 12:18

Hello pickledparsnip recognise you from another (Christmas themed) thread. I am so sorry your situation is rockier than I realised. No further advice to add to wise words above ^^ it sounds like it's a one way street where your ex is cincerned - intimacy (which I agree would have muddled things had you not stopped), meals and handouts from you, precious little from him except what your DS needs and then sparingly.
You have tried to keep things on an even keel for DS but your ex has taken advantage of that. If he calls you unreasonable or petty or vengeful, ignore him, it's more manipulative bs.
Good luck.

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:06

Ex came round yesterday to pick up our son. He only came in for 2 minutes as his parents were waiting outside. He brought him back in eve. Then we had a row.

He likes to do things that he thinks are helpful, but they are not done in a kind manner. Last night he decided to clear a corner of the room to fit the Christmas tree in. I simply ask him what he is doing, he answers agressively. I get upset, then feel like shit in my own home. He keeps harping on about trying to help me. Thing is I don't want to be helped. This is not his house anymore. Doing something 'helpful' with agression is just not bloody nice. All sounds pathetic when written down, but another example of him still thinking this is his house.

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Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:11

He is now saying that he may not come round for Christmas. Says he would love to see our son on Christmas day, but he would also like to feel welcome and comfortable in my home, something he hasn't in a long time
Apparently it depends on if I can be amicable and civil to him. Dickhead. If he doesn't come round our son will be devastated, & I'll have to deal with the fall out. He never takes any responsibility for his own actions and behaviour. He puts it all on me.
The more assertive I am, the more of a dickhead he is.

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TranceDaemon · 12/12/2012 09:16

He's emotionally blackmailing you. Don't fall for it. In fact, just don't let him in your house. Let him throw a strop, stay firm and if he chooses to be a shit dad that is not your fault!

TranceDaemon · 12/12/2012 09:16

A

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:18

Jux I have thought about some sort of mediation. Looks like I will need to seek some form of official help. He did have a key, but no longer does. He hates the fact that he doesn't.

Hetty no we weren't married. I do qualify for legal aid, but in all honesty I am not sure I would want to use up the resources. I was hoping it wouldn't get to that point. Maybe I have to accept that it may be at that point soon. I don't want things to be any nastier than they already are.

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TranceDaemon · 12/12/2012 09:18

Oops stupid phone! Meant to say, 3 year olds are more resilient than you think. As long as he has you, he will be fine.

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:22

Hello Donkeys. I think that's one of the things that frustrates me the most, the fact that in order to keep things amicable for our son, I have been taken advantage of in the process. Well no more.

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TisILeclerc · 12/12/2012 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:27

Trance yes you're right, realise it is emotional blackmail now.

Our son asks for his daddy a lot. It is awful, and breaks my heart. His daddy swans in and out of his life whenever he likes, and is the hero.

On the plus side I asked ex to have him Tuesday and Thursday this week and he agreed! Big breakthrough. Oh and Saturday night too, means I get to have a drink with a friend. Can't bloody wait.

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Original poster
pickledparsnip · 12/12/2012 09:27

Thank you all for your wise words and support x

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