Ex is being a twat, I'm a mess and i don't know what to do

[pickledparsnip]

I'm at a total loss at what to do with regards to my ex and access to our son (3 years). Ex has been so unreasonable recently, and it is making me utterly miserable.

Ex moved out earlier this year. Access was never sorted out properly as he worked away for the summer, so saw our son as much as poss when he was back. Since then I have been incredibly accommodating, ex has seen our son whenever he has wanted, turned up at a moments notice and never been denied access, I have even cancelled plans so that they could see each other. Our son is absolutely besotted with him, misses him lots and I want him to see his father as much as poss.

In the beginning it seemed like things would maybe work between us living separately. We were still sleeping together for a while after he moved out, but I found it incredibly confusing. I guess since I put a stop to it he has been unreasonable. All respect has gone, he speaks down to me in front of our son and still behaves as if the house is his. Nearly all visits are at my house, if we are eating he is always involved, and I basically make things as easy as possible so as not to upturn the apple cart. He basically gets everything his way and I am being taken advantage of. Enough is enough.

Reading this back I sound like a wet piece of lettuce, but I am a strong woman, who in truth is heartbroken that her relationship failed, and ex wasn't the man he appeared to be. I have tried many times to set out specific times when he can see our son so we all know where we stand. He never wants to do this and just swans in and out when he wants and is late for prearranged times to meet, waltzing in without an apology or a care in the world.

He makes me feel like shit whenever he is around, it makes me just want to move far away in order to save my sanity, but never would because of our son. I just hate the way he makes me feel and need help with how to handle the situation.

You need to set out clearly the days/times your DS is a available for contact, the terms of contact i.e. away from your home, and DO NOT ENGAGE with him on his arguments. Get yourself a mantra and stick to it, broken record style so he gets the message. Tell him you are sorry he doesn't want to see his son and you'll manage your son's upset until he changes his mind, and when he does, here are the times/days DS is available. Stick to the same answer, don't get dragged into him blaming you for his shit decisions, and simply stick to the proposal if contact every time he is an abusive arse to you. Tell him that your DS will be available from say 3 or 4 pm on Xmas day if he does want to see him, and don't get involved in any argument over emotional blackmail about him coming into your home. And don't tell your DS he is coming, just stick to vague, non committal answers at the same time as distracting him with focus on something else. Be strong, it can be done.

Agree with all the other advice. Be firm, it is important for your ds to have a relationship with his father but that can be done out of the house. If he withdraws from your son that shows him up. Yes it would be better if he was a great father who paid and respected his child's mother. But you can't control him or make him do anything. Hard to accept. All you can do is be a good parent yourself and set boundaries for your life. Seems you have been bending over backwards and where has it got you?

Email or text him that he should not come into your house anymore and you only want to communicate with him about things relating to ds. Stick to it, calmly repeat, Please leave or I'm hanging up if he hassles you. Do not get into a slanging match.

It is very hard but you need to find other people to rely on for help. It would be so much easier for me if I could get my ds dad to do things for me/us but the freedom of not relying on him anymore is worth it, as he liked to throw it in my face and use one lift as an excuse for subsequint bad behaviour.

Start making friends with other single parents, see if there are any groups in your area. Does your son go to nursery? Try and get to know other parents. Any friends in the area? Re-connect with them, even if they don't have children and have massive work commitment, someone to talk to will help you and who knows when you need someone to pick up a prescription for you.

Tis thank you for the advice. You sound really strong and positive. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your son. My mum is coming down for Christmas. Looking forward to spending the day with her for the first time in nearly 10 years. What I wasn't looking forward to was her and my ex being there, as they don't really get on. If he doesn't come it will certainly make things easier!

I think your ds is probably confused as Dad seems to live with you some of the time and not others, plus picking up on the atmosphere.

My ds is 2.5 and is now settling in to seeing his Dad out of the house without me. When he talks about his dad, I say "I bet Daddy is looking forward to seeing you next time. You went swimming with him didn't you?" or "Daddy is at his house / at work, you'll see him after your big sleep." Keep it positive and move on, he is getting used to a new set up, doesn't mean he is traumatised, just expressing himself.

You do not want him there on Xmas day. Your son will have a great day with you and your mum. Having your ex over will only confuse him further, is sending mixed messages to everyone, including yourself.

For the same reason, do not let him in your house again, as he will use it as an opportunity to remind you that it's actually his house and things will be as he decides. You're right, he isn't helping, he's marking his territory.

Thank you all for your support. Tis how was your night out?

Well have made the decision that ex will most definitely not be joining us for Christmas. I am ok with him taking son off for a few hours, but he will most certainly not be joining us in our home, and definitely not for food.

The past few days have not been good. Ex was supposed to have son on Wednesday late morning. He never turned up. Didn't answer any texts or calls, left me with a very upset little boy. I started to get a bit worried as still hadn't heard anything by mid afternoon Thurs. Was asking him to contact me to let me know if he was ok, nothing. Then a friend called to let me know ex was seen in the pub the previous night, so was not in fact dead. Funny thing was I had a text from him 5 mins later telling me he had fallen and bumped his head Weds and had been in bed since, oh and his phone was on silent, so he couldn't hear my texts and calls. Lying bastard.

When I confronted him he didn't deny going to the pub. He then changed his tune and said that he hadn't text because he doesn't want to talk to me when I'm like that (like that being sending him a text stating that unless he was dead or really ill he had no excuse to let our son down and not contact me).
Oh and apparently nothing was set in stone for Wednesday, and I must have gone on at son that he would be seeing his daddy, hence why he was so upset. No, he had in fact told our son he would be seeing him then, which he then denied. He made it all my fault, it was utterly unbelievable. Total gaslighting emotional abuse.

I don't know where the man I fell in love with went. He has changed so much and is being utterly vile.

I truth I am utterly heartbroken. I am heartbroken for my son, because he deserves so much better, and I am heartbroken that our relationship is truly over.

I am also incredibly embarrassed about the whole thing. We live in a small town, and I feel like I can't escape him or his friends. This town really isn't big enough for the both of us. I just want to go far far away.

I don't know how the hell I am supposed to get over someone I still have to have in my life.

Sorry, nothing to add but what a twat

Agreed thixotropic

You compartmentalise him as ds' dad. Nothing more. Everything else is over.

You need a proper contact agreement ie he needs to give 24 hrs notice to any changes to agreed contact (unless emergency), if he doesn't turn up within half an hour get on with your day (always have a contingency plan of what you are doing if you do have ds unexpectedly), don't tell ds until the last minute if he is constantly not turning up.

Do not engage with him. If he doesn't turn up, sucks for ds but he's got you he will cope. Mainly it sucks for the dad as he is losing out on spending time with his child. Do not confront him if you find he was in the pub or whatever, just write it down in your Twatdiary and move on.

Do all the arrangements by email, or text if you have to, so you have a record of what has been agreed.

It is really hard and you have a right to feel upset that this is the father ds has. Sometimes people don't turn out to be what we thought. Parenthood is too hard for some people. But don't dwell on it, get on with your and ds' life. Not easy I know.

Read Lundy Bancroft Should I Stay or Should I Go?

You will find ex (once you have established in ch. 1 & 2 that this is an abusive relationship) in the chapter entitled 'Is the problem immaturity?'

You now know why your mum and him never got on: because she knew he was a twat.

Do you have a job?

Do you get on with your family? IIWY I would move closer to where they are. Once you are out of his angry (how DARE you find a voice and say no to him? How DARE you put your foot down? How dare you show him up for being inadequate?) toxic zone, you will feel so much calmer, and he will probably give up on you both. Because it would be an effort, wouldn't it!

Are you scared of him, OP? I know he has trained you that you will be retaliated against if you stand up to him (see Lundy Bancroft), but it is all temper tantrums and making you feel bad?

In your position, I wouldn't tell DS when his father was due. That way, if he turns up - bonus, if he doesn't, your DS won't be upset.

i too echo Natsmum100 I resorted to not telling my son when his Dad was meant to come, when most of the time he didnt turn up or was late, it didnt matter.

Like others have said...boundaries need to be set. He obviously doesn't take you seriously now, especially as he isn't getting the milk for free...he has no reason to be nice to you because I essentially isn't a nice person by the sounds of it. Solicitor, CSA, firm arrangements drawn up...if he takes the piss you can then actually say he's taking the piss. If he complains ignore him - he lost the opportunity and privilege to have a completely open and amicable no-solicitor's-involved arrangement when he started and continued to take the piss...