Don't want to be the bad guy on Christmas Day :-(

[LetTheWookieWin]

I know this isn't necessarily a relationships issue. My stbxh left us in February, it was his choice to leave us. All he cared about when we were together was running his business, money and doing whatever he pleased. we have one ds nearly 3. I have always encouraged him to spend time with ds as he hardly ever saw him when we were together. He sees him every other weekend (stbxh's choice as he 'needs' to focus on his business) sometimes not even then when business needs him to work over the weekend.

Ds is usually a lovely well-behaved boy. He is bright, loving and had an excellent vocabulary. However, when he comes back from his dads house it takes me at least 3 days to get him back to being himself, because he comes back a stroppy, difficult child. I know this is 'normal' behaviour for many toddlers, but this isn't hi normal behaviour and family members/friends have been surprised by the transformation. It has actually come to the point where I avoid seeing people for the few days following his return. I have spoken to stbxh about sticking to routines and how he can discipline ds appropriately when he behaves difficultly.

He says all the right things but I'm not convinced he follows through. I believe he spoils ds (he has left us in financial difficulties but yet has the money to buy ds designer clothes) because he feels guilty for not spending enough time with him. He regularly posts photos of himself being the model father on fb which I find quite hurtful, because they are things he would never do with us as a family before he walked out on us.

Sorry i digress... Anyway ds is due to go to stbxh house the weekend before Xmas, coming back on Xmas eve. I really wanted to give ds time with his dad, but don't want him to be a pain in the neck come Christmas Day when I want to enjoy spending time with ds and the rest of my family without constantly having to put ds on the naughty step or remind him how to behave . I'm currently signed off work (I'm a teacher) because I've been trying so hard to keep it together but finally seem to have lost the ability to cope. I know this is a really selfish act to be considering, and I have never stopped him from seeing ds before ever! But could/should I?

He's having him for a few days over the new year period and has just spent 5 days with him at centre parcs. But ds has been truly appallingly behaved today as a result.

Help, I don't know what to do.

[cestlavielife]

Poor ds spending his holiday in time out !

Ugh my bil sends my sister.s dc to time out for eg spilling crumbs at dinner time it just isn't right ' I don't know if before he left you had agreed when and what time out was used for ?
But

Give yourself and ds a break.
Have you been for counselling ? Specific separated and divorced counselling even an group can be really helpful in developing strategies
and rebuilding your self esteem to have confidence you are doing things right . And also not necessarily throwing it back to ex, (my exp blames me for everything so I can kinda see how it isn't helpful) but finding ways to make the transition easier for ds and you. See his behaviour as communication. Go out and run around the park with him to let off frustrations. take back control .

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

You haven't let anyone down! You have been through a very bad time and you are coping with a lot.

Perhaphs your Ex is harder on DS than you, but he's only putting him in time out (not smacking etc), so I wouldn't worry too much. DS will soon learn there are two sets of rules. Perhaphs when he comes home he just needs to 'let off steam' a bit. Perhaphs he doesn't really understand why he's in so much trouble with his Dad but doesn't have any way of expressing himself about it all.

He's very very small for so much time out from you both though - perhaphs you could both find other ways of dealing with DS's behaviour?

Anyway, I would text Ex saying 'I don't know what is happening when DS is with you, all I know is that he is tired, emotional and not himself when he comes home. Irrespective of what is causing it, DS needs two days at home to sort himself out when he comes back. In order that DS can actually enjoy Christmas (and surely that's important to you too) DS needs to be back home on Sunday morning'.

Ignore his 'don't send me texts like that ... I'll be despondent' Who gives a fuck if he's despondent?? Really??

Have you thought about taking a year out of teaching and doing more tutoring/marking etc?

How's the cross stitch coming along - what are you doing?

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Solicitors generally will give a free half-hour consultation. Go and see one and find out exactly what your legal position is, so that if your XP starts throwing shit you will know not to take him seriously. Abusive men often threaten all sorts, from 'getting custody' to having you locked up as mad for having dared to leave them; it's always bullshit, and once you know what the true facts are, you can just shrug it off.

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

cancel the visit. he DOES appear to be being mean and overly harsh on your ds. you don't have a court order in place, so its by agreement.

you don't agree with a small boy being so aggressively disciplined.

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Please reconsider delaying taking ADs, wouldn't it help if they kicked in sooner rather than later? Being signed off work is a good idea, take stock and recharge whilst off school. Try and put life outside the home on hold for a while. Just focus on you and DS.

Children do sometimes 'play off' one parent against the other even when settled with both parents still together let alone when separated. At 3 your DS is probably just acting like a 3 year old, he pushes the boundaries and tests you both. A change in routine regardless of sweetie intake or late nights can be exacting.

LetTheWookieWin Your ex isn't some all powerful Darth Vader type. He doesn't get to call the shots. Every Other Weekend is a good arrangement, don't waste it looking on Facebook at 'Disney Dad' or dreading DS's attitude on return.

Better that you cut yourself some slack, maintain cordial contact with ex for DS's sake but not be a doormat, than fret about DS displaying normal age appropriate behaviour and worry you are letting your halo slip. You're letting no one down.

[LetTheWookieWin]

Okay totally unrelated but just feel so utterly miserable and don't know where else to turn.

May have potentially found a lodger - who will be having my room. I will move into smaller bedroom so ds can stay in his bedroom and I can charge premium price. This will make money situation much better (hurrah). However, just tried to tidy my room up a bit to take a photo to email potential room mate when the curtains fell off the wall covering myself and my bed in plaster board dust. It may seem funny at the moment, but really I just want to die right now. Why is nothing just simple in my life. I'm a good person - I just want a break.

:-(

[ladyWordy]

Wookie, I'm so sorry that happened. Here for you with a hand to hold.

[jingleallthespringy]

(((Wookie)))

If I lived nearby I'd come and help you clear up and put the curtain rail back up.

I wonder if you might keep the big room and let the lodger have the smaller room. It's about pecking order and, for some reason, lodgers get the wrong idea if they have the best room (long term landlady). I know the money would be better if s/he had the bigger room but is it worth it?

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Wookie it is extraordinary how inanimate objects take on a life of their own at the least convenient moments, have been there myself. Good proactive idea taking in a lodger, hope it works out, sounds like jingleallthespringy has experience in that area.
Hope today goes well for you.

[Lancelottie]

Here's what strikes me.

Your DS is three.
He's having a confusing time.
He comes home tired and upset.

And your Ex's response to hearing about this isn't, 'I know, poor little kid, what can we both do to make it easier for him?' but 'I'm doing it right and it's your fault. Now stop criticising me or I'll cry.'


Can't imagine why you left him, OP!

[LetTheWookieWin]

Thanks ladies, I'm really lucky to have such fab support here - much appreciated.

jingleallthespringy - Thanks for the offer. My dad came over and fixed my curtains, the loo seat and helped out with my garden. He really is the best man I've ever known. Don't know why I put up with someone so crap when my dad is the best role model for what a man should really be like. So glad ds has him to look up to (and he really does).

Haven't heard back from the lady on gumtree yet, but thanks for the landlady advice. It's not th ideal as I have ds and the last lodger I had was my cousin and her bf (before stbxh and ds came along). He stole over 90 dvds and sold them to cash converters, while i was on holiday, to support his weed habit so I'm a bit worried about letting someone live here with us.

[jingleallthespringy]

You could try foreign students. At least you'll have the language school between you should anything go wrong. Plus it's about £120+pw. Though you do have to feed them but hey you're eating anyway. YOu can choose if you have girls/women or boys/men. But don't let them have the best room!

Sorry about your crap lodger. I've had a few of those (gah) but glad you're feeling a bit better today xx