Don't want to be the bad guy on Christmas Day :-(

[LetTheWookieWin]

I know this isn't necessarily a relationships issue. My stbxh left us in February, it was his choice to leave us. All he cared about when we were together was running his business, money and doing whatever he pleased. we have one ds nearly 3. I have always encouraged him to spend time with ds as he hardly ever saw him when we were together. He sees him every other weekend (stbxh's choice as he 'needs' to focus on his business) sometimes not even then when business needs him to work over the weekend.

Ds is usually a lovely well-behaved boy. He is bright, loving and had an excellent vocabulary. However, when he comes back from his dads house it takes me at least 3 days to get him back to being himself, because he comes back a stroppy, difficult child. I know this is 'normal' behaviour for many toddlers, but this isn't hi normal behaviour and family members/friends have been surprised by the transformation. It has actually come to the point where I avoid seeing people for the few days following his return. I have spoken to stbxh about sticking to routines and how he can discipline ds appropriately when he behaves difficultly.

He says all the right things but I'm not convinced he follows through. I believe he spoils ds (he has left us in financial difficulties but yet has the money to buy ds designer clothes) because he feels guilty for not spending enough time with him. He regularly posts photos of himself being the model father on fb which I find quite hurtful, because they are things he would never do with us as a family before he walked out on us.

Sorry i digress... Anyway ds is due to go to stbxh house the weekend before Xmas, coming back on Xmas eve. I really wanted to give ds time with his dad, but don't want him to be a pain in the neck come Christmas Day when I want to enjoy spending time with ds and the rest of my family without constantly having to put ds on the naughty step or remind him how to behave . I'm currently signed off work (I'm a teacher) because I've been trying so hard to keep it together but finally seem to have lost the ability to cope. I know this is a really selfish act to be considering, and I have never stopped him from seeing ds before ever! But could/should I?

He's having him for a few days over the new year period and has just spent 5 days with him at centre parcs. But ds has been truly appallingly behaved today as a result.

Help, I don't know what to do.

[jingleallthespringy]

You could try foreign students. At least you'll have the language school between you should anything go wrong. Plus it's about £120+pw. Though you do have to feed them but hey you're eating anyway. YOu can choose if you have girls/women or boys/men. But don't let them have the best room!

Sorry about your crap lodger. I've had a few of those (gah) but glad you're feeling a bit better today xx

[LetTheWookieWin]

Thanks ladies, I'm really lucky to have such fab support here - much appreciated.

jingleallthespringy - Thanks for the offer. My dad came over and fixed my curtains, the loo seat and helped out with my garden. He really is the best man I've ever known. Don't know why I put up with someone so crap when my dad is the best role model for what a man should really be like. So glad ds has him to look up to (and he really does).

Haven't heard back from the lady on gumtree yet, but thanks for the landlady advice. It's not th ideal as I have ds and the last lodger I had was my cousin and her bf (before stbxh and ds came along). He stole over 90 dvds and sold them to cash converters, while i was on holiday, to support his weed habit so I'm a bit worried about letting someone live here with us.

[Lancelottie]

Here's what strikes me.

Your DS is three.
He's having a confusing time.
He comes home tired and upset.

And your Ex's response to hearing about this isn't, 'I know, poor little kid, what can we both do to make it easier for him?' but 'I'm doing it right and it's your fault. Now stop criticising me or I'll cry.'


Can't imagine why you left him, OP!

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Wookie it is extraordinary how inanimate objects take on a life of their own at the least convenient moments, have been there myself. Good proactive idea taking in a lodger, hope it works out, sounds like jingleallthespringy has experience in that area.
Hope today goes well for you.

[jingleallthespringy]

(((Wookie)))

If I lived nearby I'd come and help you clear up and put the curtain rail back up.

I wonder if you might keep the big room and let the lodger have the smaller room. It's about pecking order and, for some reason, lodgers get the wrong idea if they have the best room (long term landlady). I know the money would be better if s/he had the bigger room but is it worth it?

[ladyWordy]

Wookie, I'm so sorry that happened. Here for you with a hand to hold.

[LetTheWookieWin]

Okay totally unrelated but just feel so utterly miserable and don't know where else to turn.

May have potentially found a lodger - who will be having my room. I will move into smaller bedroom so ds can stay in his bedroom and I can charge premium price. This will make money situation much better (hurrah). However, just tried to tidy my room up a bit to take a photo to email potential room mate when the curtains fell off the wall covering myself and my bed in plaster board dust. It may seem funny at the moment, but really I just want to die right now. Why is nothing just simple in my life. I'm a good person - I just want a break.

:-(

[DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight]

Please reconsider delaying taking ADs, wouldn't it help if they kicked in sooner rather than later? Being signed off work is a good idea, take stock and recharge whilst off school. Try and put life outside the home on hold for a while. Just focus on you and DS.

Children do sometimes 'play off' one parent against the other even when settled with both parents still together let alone when separated. At 3 your DS is probably just acting like a 3 year old, he pushes the boundaries and tests you both. A change in routine regardless of sweetie intake or late nights can be exacting.

LetTheWookieWin Your ex isn't some all powerful Darth Vader type. He doesn't get to call the shots. Every Other Weekend is a good arrangement, don't waste it looking on Facebook at 'Disney Dad' or dreading DS's attitude on return.

Better that you cut yourself some slack, maintain cordial contact with ex for DS's sake but not be a doormat, than fret about DS displaying normal age appropriate behaviour and worry you are letting your halo slip. You're letting no one down.

[HisstletoeAndWhine]

cancel the visit. he DOES appear to be being mean and overly harsh on your ds. you don't have a court order in place, so its by agreement.

you don't agree with a small boy being so aggressively disciplined.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

Solicitors generally will give a free half-hour consultation. Go and see one and find out exactly what your legal position is, so that if your XP starts throwing shit you will know not to take him seriously. Abusive men often threaten all sorts, from 'getting custody' to having you locked up as mad for having dared to leave them; it's always bullshit, and once you know what the true facts are, you can just shrug it off.

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

You haven't let anyone down! You have been through a very bad time and you are coping with a lot.

Perhaphs your Ex is harder on DS than you, but he's only putting him in time out (not smacking etc), so I wouldn't worry too much. DS will soon learn there are two sets of rules. Perhaphs when he comes home he just needs to 'let off steam' a bit. Perhaphs he doesn't really understand why he's in so much trouble with his Dad but doesn't have any way of expressing himself about it all.

He's very very small for so much time out from you both though - perhaphs you could both find other ways of dealing with DS's behaviour?

Anyway, I would text Ex saying 'I don't know what is happening when DS is with you, all I know is that he is tired, emotional and not himself when he comes home. Irrespective of what is causing it, DS needs two days at home to sort himself out when he comes back. In order that DS can actually enjoy Christmas (and surely that's important to you too) DS needs to be back home on Sunday morning'.

Ignore his 'don't send me texts like that ... I'll be despondent' Who gives a fuck if he's despondent?? Really??

Have you thought about taking a year out of teaching and doing more tutoring/marking etc?

How's the cross stitch coming along - what are you doing?

[cestlavielife]

Poor ds spending his holiday in time out !

Ugh my bil sends my sister.s dc to time out for eg spilling crumbs at dinner time it just isn't right ' I don't know if before he left you had agreed when and what time out was used for ?
But

Give yourself and ds a break.
Have you been for counselling ? Specific separated and divorced counselling even an group can be really helpful in developing strategies
and rebuilding your self esteem to have confidence you are doing things right . And also not necessarily throwing it back to ex, (my exp blames me for everything so I can kinda see how it isn't helpful) but finding ways to make the transition easier for ds and you. See his behaviour as communication. Go out and run around the park with him to let off frustrations. take back control .

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Wookie, you have let no-one down.

Your ex is an arse if he thinks a three year old asking for his mum (who is the primary caregiver) when he's in an unfamiliar environment is doing it because he prefers her disciplinary methods!

[LetTheWookieWin]

Thank you. I'm tired of crying all the time, but ladywordy, that just sent me over the edge again (in a good way this time) Thank you everyone for your kindness, feedback and support.

It's true, I don know how to say no. I don't know how to put myself first. I've even forgotten how to chill out and just enjoy myself. I've even made myself take up cross stitch (sad i know but i feel like I've not achieved anything by sitting in front of the tv). It's not easy to have lower expectations of myself. When you're a teacher you're told to work harder, do more, be better - it's never ending and it's pretty toxic sometimes, but all I've ever wanted is to be a good role model to my class and my son. At the moment I jus feel like I've let everyone down.

[ladyWordy]

Oh Wookie, you come across as a good and and conscientious person who is trying so hard to do what's right, with no help, that you've exhausted yourself from the effort! Worse, some people in your life seem to be trading on your good conscience, to make things easier for themselves. And much harder for you. I hate to see good people put upon and worn out in this way.

So I'm going to suggest something. Ease back, and stop trying so hard. :) Then, take a breath, and move yourself to centre stage in your life.

Some suggestions to help with this. ...First, your wellbeing is suffering if you've been prescribed ad's and you're not taking them. Please think about taking that first dose, today, so you can deal with any possible side effects right now, instead of later. You might be surprised at how much it clears your thinking. This will help you and your son.

Second, try modelling someone who is a bit selfish and irresponsible. Yes, really! Try on the persona of someone who is nice, but couldn't care less. Can you see your way clear to pushing your own agenda a little, if you do that?

So for example, in your mind, tell people what you're going to do at Christmas. Don't try and fit in with them. Tell them what you want and what's going to happen.

How might that feel. Could you do it in real life?.....

I'm not suggesting you become selfish, just try on a 'me-first' attitude for a change.

[tethersjinglebellend]

Don't be too quick to blame your DS's behaviour on a lack of consistency or getting away with stuff at his father's.

It's quite possible- likely even- that your DS is just very confused and upset by the family breakdown and is behaving in this way because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings. He loves you both and cannot reconcile this with the fact that you no longer love each other. He will, of course, but it will take time.

It doesn't mean that anyone is doing anything wrong. Break ups are painful; as adults we deal with them by shouting, crying and drinking too much. Children tend to misbehave. It could be that he's testing you both to see if you will stop loving him like you stopped loving each other. It may be that he is just very angry- you know him best.

Either way, the answer is not necessarily to be firmer (although firm boundaries are a good idea) or blame each other, but to acknowledge and validate his feelings, letting him know it's ok to be angry and that angry feelings won't last forever.

[LetTheWookieWin]

Before I wrote on here yesterday I sent stbxh a text message telling him how difficult ds was being and how fed up I was of having to deal with it every 2 weeks. I said that we needed to sort out a consistent approach and that I didn't want to ahve a difficult Xmas day, following ds being at his for the weekend.

He has only just sent me backa message, it reads:

We'll talk about it when I pick him up (he means Friday 21st December). When he's with me he doesn't get away with anything, he spends a lot of time in time out until he says sorry. When in centre parcs his response to being told off was to ask for you, which frankly makes me think he gets away with too much at yours or the childminders.... I'd appreciate you not sending me messages like this, it's not the first time. Next time you do I'll be totally despondent. See you in a couple of weeks, hope ds' behaviour improves.

I now just want to send him another message telling how much of a tawt he is and that I don't care about relations between us being good (this wont help matters I know, but I never get the chance to have my voice herad when he is around), I must refrain.

The problem is, I only send him messages, because when he is here I don't want to have a conversation with him. I just want to get him away from me as soon as possible. My mind goes blank and I don't get to say what I want to say. I'm now worried he's being too strict with my poor ds. He really is a narcissistic pig! Grrrrrrrrr!

Sorry - rant over.

[LetTheWookieWin]

Thank you so much for all your support. I've really felt on my own for quite some time and although I have a very supportive family, it's sometimes hard to ask for help (I'm terrible at it).

We've had a lovely morning so far. DS seems to be back to normal self so far. He 'made' me a cup of tea from his pretend kitchen and when I said thank you replied 'you're most welcome mummy', which made me smile. He's also told me that its a great day to do nothing, so hopefully he had enough rest yesterday to put him back on track today.

Massive thanks again.

[ChippingInAWinterWonderland]

I'm sorry everything is so shit for you right now :(

I would talk to your ex and explain to him that your DS is suffering from tiredness when he gets home and he's miserable. Explain to him how small DS still is and how much rest, down time and stuff he needs. Tell him that you want him to be with him as much as possible, but that if DS keeps coming home this upset, tired and miserable then you will have to look at 'little and often' contact instead.

Stop letting your ex dictate your life. Don't cancel plans or let DS go for longer than you think is good for him just because it suits your ex.

As for DS - up the hugs, the explanations and let some stuff go. Impulse control is quite hard when you are three and even harder when you are tired, confused and can't really explain how you feel. I'm not saying let him do as he pleases, but just try to remember why he's acting like that and be a little bit more lenient with him. Try to think of it as not punishing DS for what your Ex has done - if that makes sense.

I would tell your ex that DS is not available on the Sunday/Monday and that he needs to be back by tea time on the Saturday. If he doesn't like it he can piss off - he cannot have it all his way - picking and choosing when he sees DS irrespective of your or your DS's plans.

As for Christmas Day, don't plan to spend it with anyone who can't understand that your three year old has been through something very stressful and is confused/upset/tired and showing it the only way he knows how.

[cestlavielife]

It should be fine on Xmas day, no one is going to expect anything of a three year old other than tO be completely manic. Certain boundaries yes but be relaxed...

What specific behaviours does he display after coming back. From dad?
And why do you think it is due to ex spoiling him? To a degree that he gets attention from dad is good.
It doesn't sound right to cut contact when there are. No signs of welfare issues per se.

I was recently told by family therapist that actually kids can cope well with differing parenting styles and switching between parents. (and you can't cut contact with a parent for spoiling them can you ? )

So it may Be a case of trying to find a way to handle the transition differently? What happens when he comes home? (dd is older and there are issues over contact which had been cut for long time, it is slowly starting but when she sees dad she comes back in a state and I have to allow a certain amount of leeway for her to express her frustrations.., )

Do you have set routine ?

Is he given a bit of leeway to adjust back to home with you again (maybe allowing for a certain amount of expressive behaviour Let him run around etc whatever it is , before implementing naughty step... ) , maybe establish a set coming home routine, maybe he actually is expressing missing dad who knows ? Or having missed you he pushes the boundAries to test you ?

Let ds express himself and lay off naughty step if he is actually showing behaviour to say get attention or expressing the transition , rather than being naughty wilfully..

All behaviour is communication. Look at what you use naughty step for and whether you can let it go a little or distract or focus on positive reinforcement...

. If you are anxious etc take the meds and get more support from your family.

[tethersjinglebellend]

It may be a case of your son not feeling comfortable enough with his dad to express his feelings and/or behave badly; after all, it sounds as if he has had little contact with him throughout his life. This is clearly a very distressing time for him- transitions are difficult from most 3yos, let alone those going through a family breakdown.

I would suggest leaving the usual disciplinary methods aside and allow your son to be angry (whilst keeping him safe, of course) for a while when he returns from his dad's. His anger is normal and justified; he just doesn't know how to express it. I also second Hatpin's advice to reduce the contact to little and often, as this amount of contact all in one go is having a detrimental effect on your son, for whatever reason- and his needs must come first. Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to do the right thing by future him and do the right thing by the boy he is now.

Good luck

[HellesBelles396]

This probably sounds obvious but would it be worth speaking to your stbxh to set a routine in place? It does sound like he still has the power.
Defo start your anti-depressants asap. It's much worse for your son if you don't because you'll shut down. Trust me on this, I have tried to soldier on so many times only to realise that my son knows I'm struggling and it's upsetting for him.

[SirBoobAlot]

Does your ex have the same standards as you, by the way? Do you think DS is maybe coming home frustrated with his dad being too strict on him? It sounds like he is a controlling knob, so it wouldn't be surprising to see this extending to how he interacts with DS.

[SirBoobAlot]

I think you are expecting way too much both of DS and of yourself.

When you say telling him how to behave - how do you mean? He is only three. And I say that in the kindest tone. I have a 3 year old myself. When you're finding his behavior challenging, think about it from his perspective; why is he doing it? What is he trying to gain from the situation?

If you have been prescribed ADs then please start taking them. Seriously. They take a few weeks to get into your system, but they can make such a remarkable difference to every aspect of your life.

Your ex sounds like a selfish arsehole. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of his crap. Can you get some advice from the CAB or similar?

[LetTheWookieWin]

Maybe I am over thinking the Christmas day thing. But I've had a hard day and cant bare the thought that it might be like this when he comes back from his dads on christmas eve.

I did start tutoring again and I do enjoy it. The extra money has been my petrol money to get me through the month. Im not doing it while im currently off work.

I can't take on too much more as I'm already overloaded with school work (one of the reasons I ended up completely burnt out). I'm seriously considering whether to keep teaching - Ive never wanted to do anything else, but my headteacher has been on my case for about 18 months now and despite having 2 outstanding observations last year she turned down my pay rise application and Im spending every moment not with ds working as it is (before I went off I was getting up at 5am to finish marking before getting ds up at 7, then I'd spend from 7-10/11pm working every night and still not get everything I needed done.

Despite being off work ill, I've loved having the chance to spend more quality time with ds and it has allowed me to stop rushing around and enjoy things more fully.

I'm sorry I know I seem so negative about everything. I really hope things will get better but at the moment ds is the only thing keeping me going.