where is the line betwern friendhip and EA

[baremadness]

To be honest before MN I had never heard of the concept of emotional afairs. I do understand why they can be painful now, but I always used to think cheating involved actually doing something whether that be a kiss or something more.

What I would like to know is from both sides where that line is. People can be friends with people the same sex as their partner. But where does friendship start looking like something more to your partner and when does it cross that line to you?

I had a platonic male friend for years- he moved abroad and we used to keep in touch through marriage, babies, he got divorced, still friends, then one day he came to visit, and dh and I were nice, he bought presents for the dc and us, it was all very friendly. Never heard from him again despite my occasional emails/ text. Turned out he was wanting more all along and mistook our friendship for something else, and I can honestly say dh saw all our correspondence and was not bothered at all. So I am very careful now.

I have an ex who occasionally gets in touch, and I don't respond too much. We get on rather too well, and I don't want him in my head. Luckily he also lives on the other side of the world:)

I like to chat to everyone, and one day was chatting to a dad at school who has a ds who is bf with mine. He said he couldn't chat really as his wife was very jealous lady and would make a scene. He was terrified of his wife! She started shouting from the car for him to " come here, now!" like he was a naughty dog.

Sorry I have only just got back to this - its been a bit of a weekend!

Thank you ladies for your thoughts!

After a whole week of soul searching, lots of talking, lots of tears, lots of listening and acceptance from him that he has been spending more time with his new colleagues than with me, I think we are finally back on track.

I never want to have another week like the last one!

this is such an important thread. In an age where hetero-monogamy (thanks Offred for bringing that in) threatens to stifle many a married person, making them feel they need to pretend to be the one and only to their partner and vice versa, we need new ways of thinking about relationships.
I think it is really hard to tell when a friendship with someone you are potentially attracted to is too much. It is about self-awareness and the knowledge that you love and want to be with your partner. But can the space be created for truly caring and close intimate friendships outside a marriage (or whatever form of mating one has chosen) that are also potentially loving and close?

This is an useful link:
www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

So as it turns out the woman who made the comment is a nasty little Shit stirrer. I have been very aware of makeing sure my behaviour is not only simply friendly, but that it wouldn't even look like any thing else to even the most suspicious of people. Yet we have had more comments. Figure this is her jealousy and problem not mine.

Now i am feeling calm and rational again I would say that yes there can be room for emotional relationships outside of marrige BUT only if your marriage is sound in the first place.

We have been married for over 30 years and we have always had friends of both sexes and it has never caused a problem ever before. Because I was feeling neglected and way down the list of priorities recently, a friendship became a massive issue in our lives. That would not have happened in my normal secure state.

Communication is the only key and absolute trust in your partner never crossing the line - and the line is one that has to be agreed by both parties.

I think that is exactly right. I think if your marriage is sound and happy it is quite difficult to get your head turned. If you have issues there are vulnerabilities there.

I think if your marriage is sound and happy it is quite difficult to get your head turned

This is the prevention myth (see Glass's Not Just Friends) - be warned that many in happy marriages still cheat. Infidelity is more about the individual's weaknesses and issues leading to poor boundaries.

The line is the place where the person hides it from their partner. If someone doesn't behave in front of their partner the way they behave with the other person when their partner isn't there, or would not want their partner to witness how they interact or feel like they need to hide it - it's tipped over.

If my husband was around to see me with my friend i would behave exactly the same way but how would my husband know if i altered my behaviour or not.

I know i am not having an ea. But it is quite possible that my husband may percieve I am. not really as he is, quite rightly, the trusting sort

You see threads like that all the time.

I agree it is entirely possible to become emotionally attached to someone else whilst in a happy marriage. The question is, is this something that needs to be policed so heavily? Do we want to possess and be possessed emotionally by someone? I know it's difficult to see it working today, but would it be possible to love two people at once, sanely, sanguinely and safely for all? I know there must be many of us who struggle with this one. I can't be the only one!

Each to their own. There are plenty of people who live "alternative" lifestyles.

Could I? No, I couldn't live with the jealousy.

Me too. But I desperately want to get to a stage where I'm not jealous

It needs to be 'policed', not because of a motivation to possess, but because of simple honesty between partners. If emotional energy is being put into a third party, it affects the relationship between the primary partners. Secrets and lies never enhance a relationship.

Ordinary friendships, even close ones, are no threat. A secret one is a game changer, and the spouse/partner whose trust is being thus abused is being deliberately denied knowledge of the true emotional dynamic and the choice about whether a relationship of that kind is acceptable to them.

The emotional content of an affair is usually the part of the betrayal that is hardest to come to terms with.