isolation

[Lisa]

I don't know if this strand is still going. But I am really lonely too. I go to my local NCT groups and have never really gelled with them. I also go to a group affiliated with a church, but can't find anyone to talk to there either.

My problem is that my baby was an accident, and I still haven't really gotten into the role of being a 'mum' yet. Most of my friends are still single and they don't come round to support me, I see them occasionally at weekends when I meet them (without the baby). I don't want to drop them as they are the only friends I have. I have already dropped one friend who referred to my baby as 'it' and to me as a 'mere housewife'. As a SAHM I feel even more isolated and a little jealous as I see my friends furthering their careers.

People see me as 'different' as I don't talk about babies all the time, I don't wear make-up or watch any soaps. I like to have fun still, get drunk sometimes, watch spooky movies, wear leather jeans and just be myself! Most of the mums I've met so far live in big houses with massive gardens, their husbands have good jobs, they are planning to return to work, they act as though they are old before their time, even though some are just my age (29). I live in a little 2up 2down with just a small backyard. I feel that I have nothing in common with them and I can see that they think I am a little weird and so avoid me.

I would set up a group but what would I call it? The Different Mothers Group? Working-Class Mothers Unite? I do still go to these groups as I don't want to deprive my baby of social interaction. I love her to bits. But inside I feel so lonely sometimes and just wish I had a friend that could pop round for a cup of tea.

Don't know what I'm asking for here, I just wanted to gripe I guess.

As a new Mum I made a great effort inviting people so as not to be isolated, but found I ended up being taken for granted, often people would drop in and I was always good for lunch etc. I have had a hard time balancing my need to see people with my feelings of being slightly used. I never felt I could drop in and expect to be fed at other's but always felt people would think I was mean if I didn't offer lunch. How do others cope with this? I always say to people come round in the morning or come at two, but still often end up feeding peoiple and getting exhausted, and stupidly, I know, pretending I don't mind. How do you get people to go away and still have them like you? Help!

Lisa I really feel for you ,you seem very down. I would agree with the others and say dont take it personally. Also you said you werent looking forward to it I think that could be the problem. Perhaps its time you tried something new. If its not making you happy and bringing you down ,Dont do it.
I have been to playgroups before were noone has spoken to me and i have sat there feeling silly. So I just dont go again.
I have found a lovely little local group and enjoy my chats with the other mums. I also go tumble tots and have made some friends there. If someone new joins I make a point of chatting to them and they they usually seem really relieved I have.
When tumble tots finishes for the summer 5 of us have exchanged phone numbers so we can meet once a week at playcenters.

But if one morning I wake up and feel to tired or to busy to go to playgroup or tumble tots then i just dont go. after all its more for us than the baby. Dont put yourself under too much stress to make it work. The best advice I can give you is to try something new such as ttots or a local p group or swimming club. Keep trying till you find what you feel happy with. Please keep us posted.Hope your feeling better lisa.

Lisa,I know what you mean about NCT coffes, the s ame thing has happened to me before now...you're all set up and noone comes.Its horrible.I also know exactly what you mean about the big house thing.Nearly everyone who goes to my group has a lovely big house and they have had challenging careers and go on nice holidays etc,and I used to feel really intimidated but then I realised that they were all also A LOT older than me and had had a lot more time to gather sticks than I had.Maybe the same is with you? I agree with Callie that if you're not enjoying something then skip it.I started going to a toddler group attached to the local church and just sat there alone watching ds play,so we stopped and now at the same time we go to a swimming group for toddlers.Ds loves it, we get to play together and getting undressed in a communal changing room breaks some barriers and you get to chat to other people..even if its only about their childs progress! I persisted with the nct coffee group, to the extent that when we moved house I tried the local group and hated it, found them far too brown rice and sandals,so went back to the old one.Its a two bus journey to make the meetings but its worth it 'cos now I really get on with some of the mums.There are still days when I could cry from loneliness but I find just getting out of the house helps .Even if we only pop to the park or walk around the shops it doesn't seem so bad.Its a bummer...no real solutions I'm afraid, but I know how you feel.

Lisa, I'd have coffee with you if I lived in Preston not London. You always sound good company to me. I honestly think the weather did for you. I think the NCT culture of drop-ins is wonderful in lots of ways but maybe some mums do not quite grasp that you ought to ring and say yes or no, so that the host knows what to expect. I am sure it was not intended personally but having been there myself I understand how you're feeling at the minute.

Lisa, sorry about your coffee morning. I hope all the messages here have cheered you up. I'm sure it was the sudden change of weather to some semblance of summer that was to blame.

Sorry again, this invitation is probably of no use to you since it's about a London group, but I thought it might be worth a general mention here.

I'm one of a small fledgling group of parents and their offspring who meet up in SE London, weekends mostly. The group was started via mumsnet a while back. You don't have to live in SE London to join us! Anyone is welcome and we PROMISE we'll say hello to you.

If anyone would like to meet up with us in the park etc sometime, please e-mail us at:

[email protected]

Thanks for all your messages! I am feeling a little better now, it's a nice day and we have just been to the library. This afternoon she can play in her new sandpit.

I just got that same feeling as I used to get at school, you know when the netball captains are picking their team and you are the last to be picked because no-one wants you. I always hated sports anyway! But it was that kind of feeling, of not being wanted. Funny how your childhood still comes back to haunt you.

I will carry on with the NCT, just to show them that I am still around and still proud! Plus my dd loves them. I do also go to a tots group that is affiliated with a church, but they all seem to know each other. However, as it is so big, there are new ones joining every week so I try to spot those and talk to them.

Beata - you seem to have quite the reverse problem! Try not answering the door when it's lunch-time. Apart from that I can't help you I'm afraid, maybe some of the others can?

Anyway, I'm off out tonight to be myself and not just a 'mum'. Thanks for what you said Marina, I just wish I had that confidence in myself! Maybe my lack of confidence in the 'mums' area is showing and that is putting people off? Anyway, who cares, I have a lovely husband and a beautiful daughter - I should be grateful for that!

Thanks everyone!

Lisa
nobody turning up happened to me, too. It makes you feel awful. But it is their loss, not yours.

I know what you mean about like being back at school, and being the last one picked for teams. I think quite a lot of people are superficial and not very pleasant - just because they happen to have a baby at the same time as you doesn't make them any nicer than they were before! And now they are in a situation where they don't have to get on with others (not like at work), and their true colours show!

But I do remember once, on maternity leave, someone asking me round for coffee, and I made an excuse (I thought dammmit I'm on maternity leave and at work I spend all my time doing things I HAVE to do - what I WANT to do now is go home with my baby and toddler and look at these books we just got from the library, not go and sit in her cigarette-smoky house). She told everyone I was snobbish and standoffish and cut me dead after that. It was awful. I had no idea she would feel so bad about it, and I could never put it right. Mind you, I think she over-reacted...

Lisa it's far better if no one turns up than if 1 comes! You then have to spend the next 2 hours entertaining them and explaining that normally there are a whole room full of Bumps and Babes!

Keep going I've been doing it for 6 years now, it's well worth it and you will eventually meet loads of people. It's AGM time in November, go along and volunteer for a really sociable job.
Good Luck.

I know it's a while since this conversation last had any contributions, but I'm new to Mumsnet, so I've read all of these messages with great interest. I moved to the area I'm living in 3.5 years ago, my eldest was 9 months at the time, youngest just a phrase "when we have the next one...". I too found it difficult at first to meet people, and made the classic mistake of thinking that just because someone else has children, they would be the perfect person to be friends with. I found going to work a help, but although I don't want to talk babies all day, I still like to have friends with children the same age as mine - they have similar social lives (ie none), and you can ask favours confident in the knowledge you are able to return them. Where I live, I am really unusual, as I don't think many people choose to move here (beautiful area, grotty town), so all my friends seem to have lots to do with their families (both sides of ours live scattered around the British Isles), and their friends that they've known since school. Consequently, I'm always wary of seeming too needy, as I'd hate to think people invite me round, or come to mine and then go home & say "Oh, the poor thing, I felt obliged to go, she's got no friends, you know". I think that's my low self-esteem coming out. I have made friends, though, who I see for my sake and not just to provide my children with playmates (a handy side-effect), I'll never forget the day one of them first asked me to something outside the Toddler group - I couldn't understand why! 2.5 years later, I'm just beginning to believe that it's because she actually wants to be friends with me. (Or maybe because my husband's the local cinema manager...you see low self-esteem again!).
Anyway, sorry I do ramble, I'm like this when I talk. My point is that it is worth the effort (and it is an effort) to go out and try to talk to people, but it may take a while before you get to the stage where you count them as real friends, rather than people you see at Toddler group.

Emsiewill
I'm very curious - as you say you live in a beautiful area, grotty town. Which part of the country do you live in?

Cam, I'm very embarrassed now, I told my dh what I'd written, and he was very offended (it's not even his home town). Before I reveal where I live, let me just say that when I said "grotty" town, I meant that it's not very picturesque, and is not the sort of place you'd visit and then say "we must live there". It has also been labelled "the most violent town in Britain", although when the figures were investigated, it meant more like "the most pro-actively policed town in Britain" - the police here are very hot on "after-pub" incidents apparently (I wish I got the chance to go to a pub occasionally!), and make more arrests for that type of incident than most other places.
Anyway, now I've tried to ease my conscience, let me reveal, I live in Newport in S. Wales, I enjoy living here, I've met loads of lovely people, and having lived in the South-East of England for 8 years previously, I have found it really refreshing to live somewhere where everyone is interested in everyone else, and not just rushing around getting to the next "important" event.
So, anyone else reading this who is from Newport - please don't be offended, you must agree that we'd never win prizes for being the most picturesque town in Britain

Dear Mumsnetters hello I have just decided to post today, after several months of avidly reading. So, hello. I decided to revive this thread because I have recently moved from LONDON to a rural area and my DH is away, as he is a lot, and we know absolutely NO ONE! I'm not depressed about it but I am aware that I am totally alone and can spend days not seeing another adult...we went to a playground yesterday and I could feel my face just lighting up when another family came along....I thought AHA! PEOPLE! But of course they were tourists, just here for a few days.... It's a very bizarre change of lifestyle. I know we will get used to it and I think we're doing the right things (ie the kids go to nursery and pre-school and activities so they will make friends)but it still feels VERY STRANGE and I can feel myself pathetically eager to strike up the most banal conversations with ANYONE at all.....anyone else been in this position ?

yeah i know that feeling, i too live in a rural location and a walk to the village post office/shop that is situated in someones house can be the highlight of our social day sometimes

Louche,

That message could of been written by me! We moved out of London just before christmas and just like you, even a few sentences with a complete stranger in the street mean so much. It is getting a little better, people occasionally talk to me at the mother and baby groups now! Just keep pluging at it. I keep reminding myself that in a few years I'll be thinking what was all the fuss about, but for now it all seems so far away! Keep posting here as even if you don't strike up a one to one conversation it still feels like you are part of something and if you do then it feels fantastic that someone has noticed you. God that last sentence sounded depressing, but I'm sure you will know what I mean!

Try to get out for a walk every day and join any clubs in your area and you'll soon start to recognise faces and feel more familiar with your new town. One tip leave your wallet at home, walking to the shops every day can prove quite expensive!!!

would that I could walk to the shops there are no shops well not within walking distance it's all drive drive drive my ass is getting lardier by the day.

Louche -

I too moved to a village after living in a densely populated area. My dd is almost 7 months and we have just started getting out and about. I just did a search on the internet for our village and asked about mother and baby grops. Most of the groups are mother and toddler but I figured - what are they going to do - ask me not to come again. It is diddicult for me as most of the other mothers know each other from antenatal classes, older siblings at school or their current children who attend. I just try and talk to anyone when I am there.

I also noticed at baby clinic that there is a list of groups within our area that host mornings and get togethers - perhaps you could ask your health visitor they may know more about local groups.

And - don't worry about having no shops to walk to - I too am reluctant to walk to the shops - too expensive but I just try to get out and about.... perhaps just going for a walk in your area might help.

I can fully understand what you mean about feeling desparate for someone to talk to. I am an Aussie living in the UK. My good friends are all in Australia and we all have had babies around the same time - but I am unable to have that interaction with them and I miss it. All my family are also in Australia so at times it gets really difficult. My dh's family are here but over an hour's drive away so I can't pop out to see them either. All of the friends I have made in the UK since I arrived work full time.

But I figure - just perservere and sooner or later I may make a friend.

Louche - I also live in a rural area where there is no such opportunity to walk to a shop (I wish!!) - I have often posted on Mumsnet about making friends in new areas over the last couple of years so I don't want to repeat myself but I was exactly the same as you & knew no one - now I have a huge circle - in fact my DH is currently away & a friend rang to ask me for a meal 'in case I was lonely' - I politely turned her down, I would love the opportunity to be more alone sometimes, I am involved in so much that I enjoy time alone (just one DS)!!

There are quite a few threads on just this subject if you look the archives.

Whereabouts are you? I live in Suffolk.