Partner has finally revealed that he's not proposed to me yet because I want to keep my surname

[Pipsytwos]

So, I have taken the choice to keep my surname if I get married. Admittedly only a very small part of that is for feminist reasons, mainly it's because we have a 3 month old daughter who we gave my name. We did this because my partner has a horrible surname, one that he was mocked for at high school, I couldn't do that to our children so I convinced him that as we have a choice we should chose my average normal name. My daughter will be thankful of this esp as she has a very unique first name. The problem is that I would take his name if it was just me, but now I've named her, and I don't want a different name to her. He says he does want to marry me but feels that people will mock him and think that something of his wasn't good enough for me... Do we just not marry each other? I personally don't think marriage is about names, I think it's about unity and that unity isn't dependent on us having one name... Am I wrong?

[msrisotto]

ever happen with him , not ever for you! Just him!

[JugglingWithPossibilities]

Ah Pipsy - doesn't sound like what you want to hear.
I guess it's fair enough to wonder what marriage means/ is all about, but doesn't sound like he's got much to say on the subject ?
Are you sure you want to be with him ? What does he bring to the relationship ?
What are his good qualities ?
It doesn't sound to me that he's great about thinking about your feelings ?
I hope things work out for you one way or the other x

[Pipsytwos]

It really sucks, we've talked about marriage loads. He said he used to not want to marry until he met me (that being said he was engaged years ago to my stepson's mum) He claimed he never wanted to marry her but did it to offer her a commitment (this was prior to having his son)
I'm a fool for believing him when he'd already shown he was a liar. I feel I cant even take issue with this without looking desperate and pathetic!

[LRDtheFeministDude]

You're not a fool. You're just seeing the signs looking back.

It does look as if he's got a funny idea of what talking abou marriage is about. If he was engaged before, but claims he never wanted to marry her ... well, honestly, run a mile!

You do not look desperate or pathetic! Please don't think that about yourself. You look perfectly normal and a nice person, and I am afraid he doesn't sound so nice.

Is it possible you can talk to him about it in very plain terms, asking whether he really wants to be married and why? If he can't express a reason, that is a problem - it is effectively him saying there is nothing in it for him and nothing he would commit. You don't need that.

[weegiemum]

I did change my name, in a very similar situation to fedup!

I was 24, in luuuurve, I used my maiden name professionally till we moved to a very conservative island community in Scotland, when I changed it.

I actually kind of like it now. It's unique (everyone called it - about 30 - are related). It's kind of giggletastic (I know, I've taught secondary kids while using it!) but I rely on the fact I'm a good teacher to get past that. I've Bernard mrs T for 18 years, I was Miss Mac for 24. Almost half my life! It's my name too now.

Very opinionated dd1 (nearly 13) claims she's keeping giggly name!

[mercibucket]

Sorry to hear that op

Make sure you get the finances sorted. Do you rent or own your own house and if so, is it in joint names?

Has he made a will and has he left his share of the house etc to you or your dd?

[cuillereasoupe]

Actually, I think not wanting to get married is a perfectly valid viewpoint and has nothing to do with how committed you are. Having said that, I'd be more than a little about him not being able to have a grown-up conversation about it.

Ooh, it sounds cool in Spain

You can choose to take your mother's surname in Iceland, too.

[Pipsytwos]

That's the thing, is it possible that he does still want to spend his life with me but doesn't want to get married or is it a sign that he doesn't want to be further tied to me incase he wants to leave? If it's the first should I stop wanting to be married and accept a life without it? I have my small baby and I love my stepson, does this mean I should go to protect myself in the future? He wont have a full conversation about it with me and rolls his eyes if I go anywhere near the subject then I feel embarrassed and silly. We rent, since leaving work while pregnant I've been financially reliant on him

[LRDtheFeministDude]

I think if he wanted to spend his life with you but not get married, he would have found a way to express it.

I'm sorry, that sounds horrible. But I do worry here. I honestly think - from what you say - he is not in it for the long haul.

[cuillereasoupe]

And conversely, getting married doesn't always mean people are in it for the long haul either of course!

I suspect the break-up with your stepson's mum will tell you a lot about how he views long-term commitment.

[LRDtheFeministDude]

Yes, that's the point cui!

[BerylStreep]

Pipsy, sorry to hear that. It's a shame he couldn't have been more honest with you and your feelings before now. Are you living together? Where do you go from here?

[Pipsytwos]

To be fair to him on that she did sleep with someone else while he was at home with the baby and then stuck around for a further 6 months for his son until he decided he didn't love her and shouldn't stay for the baby. But the fact that he got engaged and didn't intend to marry shows he was willing to lie! I said that to him last night when he said he does want to marry me at some point but not now and asked why I don't believe him, I said he'd lied before then and he said 'good point, you've me there. But that was different!' Not sure how it's different, I guess he loved her, he had a baby with her... I'm so confused!

[Pipsytwos]

Yeah we live together, I guess worse comes to worse and I'll have to move in with my parents. I just don't get it. We tried for our baby, had miscarriages before, I really believed that we were great! If this is that he didn't want to get married ever then he should've said at the beginning! Or maybe he did intend to but now has changed his mind. If it's a commitment thing, we had a baby surely thats more of a commitment than marriage; or maybe it's not to him as he now has 2 by different women!

[BerylStreep]

My mantra has always been 'no diamond no deal'.

[Abitwobblynow]

You aren't falling for this 'misdirection' are you?

[Abitwobblynow]

Well, if he is so anti-marriage, it is time to withdraw the advantages of a wife. That goes for everything from your open loving legs to his socks being paired. Time for him to experience some lovely single life (which funnily enough my H after cheating and blaming me is VERY reluctant to experience) to see what choice he really wants to make.

ie, 'piss off, dear, if you don't value me enough'. Pipsy, don't go along with this.

[Madeleine10]

He sounds very, very weak to me, Pipsy. Getting engaged to his ex even though he didn't really want to, worrying about what others think all the time in OTT fashion, dithering about what he wants, not making himseklf clear aboutthis very important thing from the beginning.

There are a lot of difficult traits that a partner can have that sound more dramatic and immediately alarming than weakness, but trust me being weak is right up there with some of the worst, when you have to live with it on a daily basis.

It eats into trust (as you are already starting to see with your wondering about his lying or not to his ex.) and once trust comes into the equation, you are on a downward slope, full of constant disappointments, and yes confusion.

I'm sorry this is happening, but it's good it is now coming out in a way, certainly better than when you are married to him and discover he's a bit lacking in backbone.

[amillionyears]

He says didnt intend to marry his ex. But he ended up engaged ,to show her commitment. But it didnt work out, so he didnt end up marrying her. But you may never know whether, if the ex partner didnt have an affair, whether they would actually ever have got married or not. Maybe not.

[amillionyears]

Good post Madeleine 10.
I have also noticed over the years, that some people do not know their own minds. So, to be fair to them, they often cannot acurately predict how they themselves will feel in a few years time, in certain circumstances.

[amillionyears]

I think that sometimes they do not bother to try and think about it. And, even if they do, they can predict wrongly.

[Pipsytwos]

It's ridiculous that I've got myself in this situation. It's ridiculous that I'm sat wondering how to bring this up again when he comes home in about half an hour. And it's ridiculous that I'm the one that feels embarrassed and needy from this. Thanks to you all for making me see that I'm not being unreasonable here. I feel duped and under valued. Maybe he would've married her, I'll never know. But the fact is he got engaged to her. He's told me repeatedly that he'd like to marry me, and now just claims he would at 'some point' That point will never come, I do know it. I guess there really is something wrong with the way he feels about me. I'm a great mum, a great step mum, and I'm a supportive partner. He has no idea what he has!

[Abitwobblynow]

So you know what YOU have.

It is ONLY when we value ourselves and set boundaries, that we get valued. Believe me Pipsy it has taken me years... and now I am ready to go, is when he stops being defensive and starts getting worried.

Too late, mate, I am done. I am worth more than your sad issues

[orchidee]

I'd be wary of reading too much into his previous relationship. I suspect he doesn't know his own feelings (may not even care to) and so will give different answers to the sane question if you keep asking it.

What you do know is that he's not taking you seriously just now. He knows you want to talk about something but he doesn't want to, so he won't. He mat have git engaged (and tried for a baby) with his ex because it was easier to do that than to have The Talk. He may have given her bloody good reasons for her to have left the relationship - not that I Condi e cheating - but the point is, you inky know what he chooses to tell you, and he's letti.g you know now that honesty isn't important to him.

I think the question for you is, are you willing to continue this way? Bring up your daughter with this relationship as her role model? Do you both want to change your relationship in the same way?

From what you've written here he seems immature emotionally and he isn't showing any signs of trying to be in a partnership.