Partner has finally revealed that he's not proposed to me yet because I want to keep my surname

[Pipsytwos]

So, I have taken the choice to keep my surname if I get married. Admittedly only a very small part of that is for feminist reasons, mainly it's because we have a 3 month old daughter who we gave my name. We did this because my partner has a horrible surname, one that he was mocked for at high school, I couldn't do that to our children so I convinced him that as we have a choice we should chose my average normal name. My daughter will be thankful of this esp as she has a very unique first name. The problem is that I would take his name if it was just me, but now I've named her, and I don't want a different name to her. He says he does want to marry me but feels that people will mock him and think that something of his wasn't good enough for me... Do we just not marry each other? I personally don't think marriage is about names, I think it's about unity and that unity isn't dependent on us having one name... Am I wrong?

[lookingfoxy]

DP wants to get married but I said I would not change my name he almost fainted in shock then had a hissy fit, yes he is a traditional (sexist pig) person. We have both had very traditional upbringings, but I like my name and ds1 has my name, there is no way ds is having a different name to me.

Going to be fun and games as im pregnant and will need him there when I register the birth!!

[SummerDad]

I don't really think there is a simple answer for that. As a husband I encouraged my wife to retain her surname even after the marriage though it is still understandable where he is coming from. Name is a big part of someone's personality and it should not be hard to understand that a part of him is being abandoned by someone who is supposed to be above every fear. Having said that, he needs to realise the practical implications of this choice as he probably did in the case of your daughter's name.

[Secretservice]

makeit That's very odd. All three of my DCs have my name, despite being married to their biological dad. It was never once suggested we would have to change them

[echt]

Hmm..I've retained my family name, and DD has my name; had she been a boy he would have had DH's family name.

Anyway OP, Mr Glasscock/Hugearse is, I think being silly. Surely if he's saying people will think your NOT having his name is not OK, then they already think this because DD doesn't. Illogical, she said, Spockly.:o

[Lastofthepodpeople]

I kept my surname when I married and DS has my surname. It's not an issue at all.
Does that mean he's happy for your DD to have one name and the two of you to have another? I think he's being a bit strange about it.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP I would think twice about marrying anyone who used the phrase "wears the trousers".

[cuillereasoupe]

Name is a big part of someone's personality and it should not be hard to understand that a part of him is being abandoned

You mean like married women have been expected to do for centuries?

[BumBiscuits]

I couple I'm friends with got married and he took her name. He had issues with his own family and I think wanted a fresh start -none of anyone's business IMO--. I don't think anyone thinks for that reason that she's the one who "wears the trousers".

[LRDtheFeministDude]

summer - erm, which part of him is being 'abandoned'?

She's never had his name. Their child has never had his name. He will keep his name.

'Abandon' means give up something you had before. It doesn't apply here.

[foolonthehill]

My (male) friend changed his surname to his DW's when they married (she didn't want to be a pratt!!!) worked well all round.

[TygerTyger]

My DH wasn't happy that I didn't want to change my name. I used his for the afternoon we got married and then carried on as before. He got used to the idea. My parents have taken a while longer and hyphenate my name. His family don't know, but I couldn't care less what the call me, esp given the frequency that we actually see them. DD has both our names, but not hyphenated; but it seems overly long. I'm happy for her to drop mine, but now DH has decided he doesn't like his name! Sorry to say it, but it does sound like an excuse. But do you need him to propose? Could you just get married? Suppose you both need to work out what's important here.

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

"When me and dp married the dc had my surname, registar told us the dcs names had to be changed to his, as I married their biological father."

That is a filthy lie.

[TheQueenOfSparta]

I think this is a ridiculous excuse. In my country, the norm is for women to keep their name. Actually, legally, women can take their husband's name. They are born with this name, and they keep it.

[TheQueenOfSparta]

Sorry. women cannot take

[DistanceCall]

In Spain, people have two surnames -- usually, the first one is your father's and the second one is your mother's (although you can swap the order if you like). And women don't change their surname when they get married. So, if your father is Mr AB and your mother is Mrs CD, you and your siblings usually have the surname AC (people generally use the first surname only in everyday life, though).

Makes things simpler.

[DistanceCall]

That said, I think the OP's partner is just trying to get out of getting married or being stupid (possible because of his friends).

[hermioneweasley]

Your partner is a twat. I would seriously reconsider being in a relationship with someone with either has so little respect for me, or is genuinely an idiot. Not sure those are great options.

[JugglingWithPossibilities]

Ooh, it sounds cool in Spain DC - is that a long standing tradition ?
The matrilineal name and line sounds much stronger there ?

[amillionyears]

I am wondering if he feels somewhat abandoned [cant think of a beter word right now].
Whether he feels that because he never sees his family anymore, that he feels somewhat isolated, even though rationally he knows his surname will cause you a lot of embarassment if you take it.
Could you have a calm, emotionless talk and keep it purely to the name issus, rather than the wedding issue?
And dont even particularly talk about the fact that your DD has a different name.
He doesnt know his dad. He may, in his mind, as he sees it, be trying to be loyal to his dad.

[snowtunesgirl]

It is a long standing tradition but if you emigrate to there, it's very hard to convince the authorities that you have only ONE surname. My friend found that when living out there!

[amillionyears]

If the name thing is the real reason, he may change his mind about wanting you to have it, if he thought you were willing to consider it.

[Pipsytwos]

It was an excuse, after me bringing it up and asking if he nows has an issue with DD's name as well he says he has no problem. After me saying how silly it'd be for me to change my name and that essentially I have just as much right to my name as he has to his, he agreed. Then started the expense again (my dad is giving £3000 for each of his children's weddings, the wedding I would like would cost way under £1000) he then said 'well a ring would cost money and you don't want any of the standard rings!' I've expressed a preference for a decorated/antique looking band over one that is just a diamond. It's not a price difference just a style. I just said if he doesn't want to marry to just bloody say. He says he does just not now because he doesn't understand what marriage is about. Not sure what that means other than he makes excuses rather than being honest with me Not sure how to feel about it either. I really do want to marry but it looks like it'll never happen. Also not sure if I should feel rejected or what this says about how he feels about me? Feeling very silly right about now

[FryOneFatChristmasTurkey]

It doesn't look like he wants to marry you.

[msrisotto]

Don't feel silly because he's been messing you around with silly excuses.
I do agree though that it doesn't look like it'll ever happen. Marriage is a pretty simple concept, not much to misunderstand that doesn't take a minutes thinking to figure out, you either do or you don't want to get married and I think, he obviously doesn't but is far too much of a pansy to come out and say it.

[LRDtheFeministDude]

Oh, love.

How rotten.

I don't think you should feel silly - I am annoyed that he would mess you about like this.

If he says he doesn't understand what marriage is about, how does he know he wants it?

That would really bother me - it makes it sound as if you're the one who is meant to say 'this is what marriage is about' and you're meant to modify that until he agrees.

That's not on.