Worries about DH Christmas party - Advice please

[k4mi]

Hi,

I know this is in comparison to most of these threads small fry but am really just after some advice/positive words!

Since the birth of our DD1 I have felt less attractive, interesting and basically confident about myself as anything other than a mum. I am trying to address this at the moment (just started some counselling and am looking/interviewing for jobs) but It has in the last few weeks been v tough. I had to have an operation on my cervix (nice) and have been bleeding pretty much non stop for 6 weeks which is annoying (and means no sex which makes me feel worse!). On top of that we've had endless colds and tummy bugs blah blah blah. Anyway because of this DH and I haven't spent much fun quality time together. It's been a hard slog although not been arguing or anything.

This weekend is his office Xmas party. It's a weekend away. I suddenly feel totally insecure about us and that he's going to start an affair with someone at work. Clearly he could do this at any time he wanted but for some reason because I know I won't see him for 48 hrs and I'll be home 'holding the baby' once again it's got my back up. He is a brilliant dad, can not fault him and mostly a good partner to me but sometimes I feel like we need to get some spark back. I think this is probably normal after a baby but I am becoming increasingly insecure and know that even though I don't want to I am starting to take it our on him. Last weekend I got upset as he said the whole weekend is just a big drunken thing which p*ssed me off as I feel upset he'd rather do that (with a lot of people he doesn't seem to interested in) than spend the weekend taking care of us when we have had a very tough few weeks. Saying that he works hard and I can see that the weekend will be fun and he will have no crying baby to get up for.

Can someone please tell me how they deal with situations like this? Ever felt you have lost your confidence/independence post baby? I used to be so different but now worry I have turned into a boring nagging mum.

HELP.

A 48 hour weekend work do sounds massively extravagant to me. What industry does he work in!?

I think one night would have been a great compromise, he gets to let his hair down, you don't feel left holding the baby for an entire weekend. I think he is being unreasonable going until Sunday evening and should realise this!

Yes FBworry that is right. He does a lot more than me BUT generally I am supportive of it because it's who he is and it's not just going out with his mates, he has hobbies. But I feel like my life is just babysitting and it used to be so much more. Don't get me wrong I adore our DD but sometimes I feel trapped and like the old me no longer exists. I think he feels the same tho unfortunately so we need to sit down and make a proper plan together that we can stick to which allows us freedom but which the other half is happy with. In his defence if I ever want to do anything myself (alone) he is very supportive and tries his best to work around it. I know he means well but I think he is acting manipulatively at the moment because he feels like I'm trying to control his fun which I suppose I am but in my mind for honourable reasons.

I think it's ONE weekend and from what you write he tries hard to please you and meet you half way, think you should just deal with it and let him have it without a fuss. It will be your turn soon and I am sure that your willingness to accommodate this weekend will be remembered.

I don't actually think this is a big deal tbh. It's not like he makes a habit out of it.

Hi, I've been in similar situations with dh several times. He is a great partner but goes away a lot to conferences which involve a few mins work during the day then lots of drinking and eating out in exciting cities afterwards. I would love an evening out in London/ Paris etc with friends!!!

Lots of your sentiments are very familiar to me. I'd advise try not to begrudge him going too much and arrange a time when you get time ASAP when you get time off in return. When discussing it make sure you make it clear to him you're not annoyed with him necessarily but the situation ie feeling trapped at home. Try to work together on how you can make this better.

Yes you're right I would 100% offer to come back early mainly as I'd miss them too. He has a weird thing about letting people down I think he wants me to be responsible for him having to leave...but you're right that just makes me feel bad and why should I when it's a reasonable request. Still don't really know what I can do though. I'm not sure whether to mention it now and get it on the open so he can make his own plan or just leave it until tomorrow and then ask if he's ok to come back. It seems absolutely ridiculous to me now I'm typing it!

"He does a lot more than me"; "he has hobbies". Sorry can you clarify what you mean by this?

Yes you're right it's just one weekend and overall he does try hard to consider me. I think he gets it that Sunday evening is too late so somehow there will probably be a compromise. I am slightly peeved because if I'd known it was all day Sunday too id have gone away for the weekend. We have stayed as have plans tonight and i assumed he'd want to see us when I thought he would be getting back Sunday am.

I mean that on weekends / evenings he overall does more stuff. He's in a band for example but I am supportive of this as he loves it and will make up for time when he's busy by giving me some time off. Also it's only once or twice a month and I find it an attractive quality in him.

Thanks I'mnotcute good to know other people have the same feelings it's all about how you deal with them I guess! When he is away how do you make yourself feel better about it?

I think what you are going through is very, very common. Nobody tells you just how much time baby takes up.

Even in the evening when your exhausted, get baby asleep, sit down to finally watch that film and.... Waaaahhh! Baby awake. Its just so hard to lose the guaranteed time to yourself. Its frustrating and exhausting.

You both need that " me" time and to get it you must, must talk very openly.

To be fair to your dh though he might be under a lot of pressure from his work to go and is afraid it will make him look less committed if he leaves early.My DH has a high pressured job and his sometimes forced to go to dinners after work etc. They make out their is a choice but deep down you know there isn't much choice is just expected and you will be frowned upon.

Totally agree that there's pressure from work BUt he plans to leave his job early next yr anyway so I don't see why that matters. But I know he hates feeling like the odd one out.

OP, one night is a compromise, a weekend on the piss is something a single childless man can do, ie not yours!! Tell him one day stay the night, travel back next day, lunch timeish, then he can take over while you effectively have the day off, in bedroom with loads of chocolate and magazines!!!

and why exactly didn't he tell you in the beginning it's two nights?

I think it is odd for anyone with a young family to be going to a (drunken or not) workdo that takes All Weekend! My Dh has always said no tot these things without even thinking about it, once we had babies.

It is also sad that you feel guilty for not being a wanton sex goddess, for his benefit, but....what is HE doing to make YOu feel better? Does he offer to give you a massage, spoil you? tell you how sorry he is you are going through all the cervix stuff, how he still fancies you? Has he planned a night out for just the 2 of you?

Sorry, but I don t think the problem lies with YOU at all.

It can be hard when under pressure for anyone, but your dh should say no under these circumstances really.

There is plenty of time for work weekends once your baby is older and not so 24/7s. You rest is priority after all you have been through.

I think you need to be really explicit in what you have planned/are thinking. so you say you had planned a lovely day out on Sunday etc - had you communicated that to your OH? Or is he expected to mind read it? Did you take into account the fact that he would probably be hung over and knackered?
I have had similar issues with OH, and now we write everything on a calendar with times on it - if it isn't on the calendar, it isn't happening! If I really want us to do something, I TELL him well in advance - I find men just aren't as good at the whole thinking of everybody else thing - massive generalisation, I know, and I know some are great at it, but if you are married to one who isn't great at it, you need to be realistic about it.

I also think you need to make more time for you and find a hobby/go out once a week for you, and stick to it as rigidly as he does. I ended up in a similar situation with OH who does a martial art and football every week, and goes to them religiously - I resented him for it initially, but then realised he was fully supportive of me going out, I just had to TELL him. So now I go out to a choir once a week and usually one night a week with friends/Mum etc and just go - regardless of whether he has had a bad day, LO is grumpy, house is a mess etc etc.

finally, there are some industries where employees would be expected to attend weekend dos like this.

If you know that your H will be happy for you to go away for a child-free jolly with your mates next weekend then let him enjoy this one. If his idea of your leisure time is you getting to meet a friend for coffee in town one afternoon once a month, while he has regular weekend jollies, then there is a problem.

Being a parent does not mean that you can't have fun any more, but it does mean that you have to balance your time a little better, and both mother and father should have the same amount of child-free, chore-free leisure time every week.

amen to that!

So basically your husband gets quite a lot of free time where he gets to do what he wants (without having to worry about childcare). It is good that he makes it up to you but that means that family time is quite reduced. Would you say that you both get the same amount of free time where you get to do what you want without having to care for your child?

Although the answer to that question doesn't detract from the fact he is being unreasonable about this weekend especially as you have recently had an operation and you have all been under the weather.

Yep what SGB says.

I don't see the weekend thing is the real issue here.

The problem seems to be that you don't have your own time out / hobbies etc that give you a break.

BUT - those things don't happen on their own - you have to make them happen.

Find something you enjoy or have done in the past and get doing it again - why does being a mum stop you?

It's important to still do things where you are identified as you not as Little Fred's mum.

The solution is not to stop your partner / H doing stuff that will only bring resentment, but is to do things yourself and just because you are married does not mean you have to do everything together.

Dont forget its not just building "me" time into your lives

Family time when your all have fun together is vital.

"Thanks I'mnotcute good to know other people have the same feelings it's all about how you deal with them I guess! When he is away how do you make yourself feel better about it?"

Wherever possible I arrange other company for us. He's away at the moment and my mum is here. Obviously he needs to communicate to you how long he'll be away so you can make plans! Are there any little indulgences you can treat yourself to while he's away eg chocolate or nice wine?

I also have a few special things I do with the dcs when it's just us, like eat tea in front of the tv for once then all get in our pjs straight after (so that if it's a bad evening I'm ready to just climb into bed with 10 month old ds when I need to).

And I look forward to him getting home so I can hand them over!

Thanks for all the advice! It is interesting to hear so many different opinions. He just called me and was feeling rather upset about it all. We had a good hat where I explained that I feel backed into a corner that I would be 'stopping his fun' by asking to come home. He assured me he really doesn't mind. I think he would prefer I did it whilst he's away because it gives him an 'excuse' to leave rather than him dropping out at the last minute. We discussed the fact that I need to do more stuff so that when he does he doesn't feel guilty/I don't resent him so that's positive. He told me he would 100% rather be with us on Sunday but I know that he will just be hungover and useless so I'll either ask him to come back tomorrow if I feel the need/have a bad night with DD or just let him stay and owe me my own weekend away soon.

I've felt just like you OP, and I feel your pain. You say you love being a mum, but in the early days, I actually hated it, and resented every second DP spent out of the house, even for work.

What made things ok was getting DS on a bottle so that we could be proper 'equal parents', then getting a calendar and writing stuff on it.

The other thing that made it better was DS getting a bit bigger, and a bit less hard work!

I think of it as a pennies in the bank system. I love weekends away on my own, so I don't moan too much about DPs hobbies, as long as it's kept fair and equal.

I was in a very bad place when DS was a wee baby, I became obsessed with getting out on my own, I saw it as an unattainable luxury that I would never have again. Of course, I can have it again. In fact, I usually find now that I prefer to stay in - it was losing the choice element that did for me.

If you're generally ok, not depressed etc, then I say suck it up for now. You'll be 'owed one' big time, and when it comes the time to cash it in, you'll be glad you did. If you've had a hen night already, then you don't have too much to worry about?

If you think you might be depressed, well, come back and we'll help you.