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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! What is this feeling?

30 replies

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 18:17

I'll try and keep this brief, but I'm really worried.

DH and I have been married for over 10 years with 2 DCs. We have some really tricky times mainly because DH is self employed and so our family finances are often pretty random. I also work part time. These last 4 years have been especially tough, and we've lived pretty much hand to mouth much of the time. But we've faced it all together and DH has managed to steer his buisness through the recession.

I've experienced a bit of depression in the past and often wondered if it would attack again, because we were living under such pressure but I surprised myself by staying fairly upbeat. Despite everything we've been through we've always been strong when it comes to being in love and I would honestly say we're very happily married and he's a great Dad.

But, just recently I've noticed a change in my feelings. You know that place inside you that melts a bit when your DCs cuddle you or when your DH sends nice text? Well that appears to have disappeared and there's just an emptiness isntead. I can still function perfectly fine and can run the house and do my job as normal. But inside there's this emptiness now.

I don't think it's depression because I know what that feels like and this isn't quite the same. Is it stress? Or emotional exhaustion?

I admit recently, I've felt that DH has pushed me way down his list of priorities and even though I know he loves me I've felt very hurt by a few things he's done. He's not been unfaithful, or violent or anything cruel. It's just that he's put other people and things before me and I've been left to struggle alone.

So I now have this emptiness. My DCs can tell there's something wrong, they keep asking if I'm okay. I'm trying very hard to act normal but I feel a bit like a puppet. DH knows there's something wrong and has tried his best these last few days to be really nice to me. He took me out for lunch today but I felt like I was just going through the motions with him. He's taking a day off work on Thursday to spend it with me, but I don't really care if he does.

When I used to look at DH I used to feel lucky and have this little glow inside that he was mine. Now when I look at him I just feel this hollowness inside. I'm so scared that I have lost my love for him, and I'm terrified it won't be coming back

It's such a shame because we've battled through so much together and now just when it looks like things will improve in the New Year it feels like my heart has given up

OP posts:

Wearsuncream · 04/12/2012 18:21

maybe you need to do some fun stuff together rather than just task related conversations?

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 18:23

We've done a few fun things like going out for lunch, and a trip to the cinema recently. And DH has planned a weekend away together in January, but I just can't look forward to it and he doesn't feel 'special' to me anymore.

This has only happened over the last couple of weeks so it might just be a blip or something. But it feels horrible and I don't understand why it's happened

OP posts:

mrsgboring · 04/12/2012 18:26

Oh I feel for you. I have something a little bit similar but not as extreme. It's very scary and I'm not sure I understand it at all yet. I think mine is probably a kind of shock/trauma reaction to the whole childbearing process (which has been quite traumatic for me)

I find I can't cry and I can't pray (I'm religious and did used to). I'm not sure how helpful I can be as I'm still in it a bit, but the things that have helped have been admitting what I feel, trying not to be scared of it and for me personally, finding people I trust to pray with. It's a slow journey but I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

If you don't pray is there something else a bit spiritual you could do with a trusted friend? Long walks? Singing in a choir? Yoga class? These things ime help, slowly and slightly.

baskingseals · 04/12/2012 18:26

Has he let you down?

do you resent him?

how badly has he hurt you?

i am so sorry you are feeling like this. i don't think it has to be the end of the road though. do you feel you could talk to him about how you are feeling on friday? i think that would be the first thing to do.

you may have emotionally shut down to protect yourself from being hurt.

mrsgboring · 04/12/2012 18:27

For me it's helped that it's with other people I love very much rather than my family (because that feels like they have a duty to like me iyswim)

PetFox · 04/12/2012 18:27

Have you spoken to him about those things he's done that have made you feel like he's putting you last? If there's still resentment bubbling under about those things, it might be the source of your feelings. Maybe you just need a good long chat where you both get things off your chest? It sounds like you have a strong enough relationship to be able to handle some home truths.

Petherwyn · 04/12/2012 18:30

Have you started taking any medication recently? I've had something similar to this with certain hormonal contraceptives.

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 18:34

BaskingSeals, Yes I think I do feel a lot resentment towards him for some of the things he's done. I know that he loves me but I feel he's taken me very much for granted these last few months. You have described how I feel very well I feel, like I have shut down emotionally. I've just been listening to my favouite album which always makes me feel good inside. But I didn't respond to it at all just now

I have talked to my DH a little bit about how I feel. He just thinks we've both been under a lot of stress and we need to heal. But I can tell he still feels very in love with me, but I just feel shut off from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 18:35

No, no medications at all. Actually how I feel inside now is similar to how I felt when I took anti ds years ago. Functioning okay but with very little emotion inside.

OP posts:

stella1w · 04/12/2012 18:39

I feel like this too sometoimes. Kind of emotional disconmnected. For me it started after a traumatic second birth and while my ptsd is cured i still feel weird

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 18:50

Yes, Stella1w disconnected is how I feel. DH has just come home and given me a hug and a kiss and I didn't feel a thing. I don't feel angry or upset at him - there's just this emptiness.

I wonder if after all the trauma of the last 4 years my system has just finally overloaded and shut down.

OP posts:

baskingseals · 04/12/2012 18:51

well that's brilliant you can talk to him. i think that is the way forward. he is still in love with you, but how do you feel about him?

to unlock your feelings you need to talk to him.
do you trust him now?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 04/12/2012 19:00

I think it's quite possible that you are a bit burnt out after all the stress of the past years. Has something happened recently that's made a big improvement, ie your family income becoming more secure for the foreseeable future? Sometimes it's only when the worst of the worries are over that our minds kind of blank out.

sparklekitty · 04/12/2012 19:05

Hun this is exactly how I feel when I'm depressed. It might be worth a visit to the GP

TheNorthWitch · 04/12/2012 19:07

Was going to say what SolidGold said. Before it wasn't safe to look at or feel negative emotions because life was too difficult - now pressures are easing so they surface. You don't say what your DH did to make you feel taken for granted - maybe you are justified in feeling cold towards him?

fishandlilacs · 04/12/2012 19:10

I think it sounds like you have some barriers up where your relationship is concerned. DH and I have had several bouts of marriage counselling over the years, not for several years now were pretty damn good most of the time these days, but I can identify with what you are saying from those days when it wasn't so good.

Obviously talking helped and we fell "in love" again.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 04/12/2012 19:24

I feel for you. It sounds as if you might benefit from a stint of counselling, not necessarily with your husband initially, just to create a space for you to share openly about yourself. I've done this a few times and in my experience it has been really good, like coming alive again. Many organisations offer set series of low cost sessions, and this does not in any way reflect the quality of service, I have found. If counselling is out of the question because of time or financial constraints, there are many books which might be helpful. I'm just about to put DD to bed and can't think of anything of the top of my head but I'll pop in again if I do. Oh, actually, Embracing the Beloved by Stephen and Ondrea Levine is a beautiful and quite radical invitation to deepen intimacy with your self and others. I wish you all the best.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 04/12/2012 19:29

I would also suggest that whatever steps you take, they should be to do with helping you rather than 'mending your relationship'. I have the impression that you have spent the stressful times in the past putting your H and 'The Marriage' ahead of yourself, and that he has leaned on you more than he's been available for you to lean on.

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 19:43

SolidGold - yes, it looks like our situation will start to improve in the New Year and DH has made a few major changes to his business. He's feeling a lot more optimistic and I really thought I would too. But instead I just feel sort of blank. It's not just how I feel towards him though I feel pretty blank about our DCs as well which is horrible. I feel like my emotions are on the other side of a thick sheet of glass IYSWIM?

OP posts:

ladyWordy · 04/12/2012 19:44

Damped down or apparently non-existent feelings are very typical in depression. Failing to take pleasure in things which formerly pleased you is also typical ( anhedonia). Sometimes you might cry all day with depression, but it's just as likely that you will feel blank and disconnected.

Given what you've said - and note, I'm not a doctor- I'd be tempted to wonder whether some of the things that have been happening have triggered the latest episode.

It's the doctor's job to diagnose and treat, though. So I'd recommend a trip to the GP as soon as you can. Then you can look at what might have set this off.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 04/12/2012 19:46

It sounds very much like you have shut down as you feel 'safe' to do so. Have a chat with your GP and ask about counselling. FWIW I felt a bit like this a few years ago; prolonged period of great strain, problem got solved, expected to be leaping around in delight but instead I felt totally blank for a while. Luckily it wore off but I was able to be a bit blank without anyone fretting.

Original poster

HarlotOHara · 04/12/2012 19:57

TheNorthWitch - the things which my DH has done recently to make me feel really overlooked are:

We talked about me changing my car, because it's really quite old. I don't want anything new, just something small and just costing £2-3K. DH was the one to suggest this. I got all excited about changing my car. Then out of the blue he told me that he'd have to fund a sales car for his sales rep instead. He didnt apologise, just told me we'd have to sort me a another car out another time.

We had booked a weekend away a few weeks ago which coincided with a couple of business meetings my DH had. He promised me he would change the meetings, but then basically didn't organise himself in time so we had to cancel our weekend. He didn't apologise, just asked me to re-arrange.

He lent my laptop to one of his members of staff and promised me he'd get it back to me within 3 days. I really needed my laptop but didn't get it back for 5 days basically because my DH didn't want to inconvenience his member of staff by asking them to return it at the weekend.

We had made plans for our weekend recently but then he agreed to basically handle some work for a business associate so our plans got shunted aside.

Now I know that the things he did were probably for the greater good of his business, but they just left me feeling completely unimportant and that DH considers everyone else's needs before mine.

OP posts:

AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers · 04/12/2012 20:04

OP I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. I had it about four years ago after a series of horrendously stressful events that left me reeling. I still can't think about that time without feeling the horror rise again. But I felt what you feel and it was depression - and pretty severe depression at that. Please - get to your GP. Even if it's not depression at least then you'll know.

ladyWordy · 04/12/2012 20:06

Well a series of disappointments like that, instigated by the person who is meant to care for you the most, is enough to cut anyone off from their feelings
:(
I'm really sorry OP. Though you've tried to see the good in it, I think that is an abysmal way to treat a loved one.

ladyWordy · 04/12/2012 20:15

... Regardless, please see the doc as soon as you can.

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