Help! What is this feeling?

[HarlotOHara]

I'll try and keep this brief, but I'm really worried.

DH and I have been married for over 10 years with 2 DCs. We have some really tricky times mainly because DH is self employed and so our family finances are often pretty random. I also work part time. These last 4 years have been especially tough, and we've lived pretty much hand to mouth much of the time. But we've faced it all together and DH has managed to steer his buisness through the recession.

I've experienced a bit of depression in the past and often wondered if it would attack again, because we were living under such pressure but I surprised myself by staying fairly upbeat. Despite everything we've been through we've always been strong when it comes to being in love and I would honestly say we're very happily married and he's a great Dad.

But, just recently I've noticed a change in my feelings. You know that place inside you that melts a bit when your DCs cuddle you or when your DH sends nice text? Well that appears to have disappeared and there's just an emptiness isntead. I can still function perfectly fine and can run the house and do my job as normal. But inside there's this emptiness now.

I don't think it's depression because I know what that feels like and this isn't quite the same. Is it stress? Or emotional exhaustion?

I admit recently, I've felt that DH has pushed me way down his list of priorities and even though I know he loves me I've felt very hurt by a few things he's done. He's not been unfaithful, or violent or anything cruel. It's just that he's put other people and things before me and I've been left to struggle alone.

So I now have this emptiness. My DCs can tell there's something wrong, they keep asking if I'm okay. I'm trying very hard to act normal but I feel a bit like a puppet. DH knows there's something wrong and has tried his best these last few days to be really nice to me. He took me out for lunch today but I felt like I was just going through the motions with him. He's taking a day off work on Thursday to spend it with me, but I don't really care if he does.

When I used to look at DH I used to feel lucky and have this little glow inside that he was mine. Now when I look at him I just feel this hollowness inside. I'm so scared that I have lost my love for him, and I'm terrified it won't be coming back

It's such a shame because we've battled through so much together and now just when it looks like things will improve in the New Year it feels like my heart has given up

Those things you listed are pretty bad OP. I wonder, have you excused a lot of your husband's behaviour over the last few years on the basis that you were under stress? And could it be the case that now that the stress is finally lifting you're seeing that that behaviour is actually nothing to do with stress but is just how he is towards to you?

Expecting things to change and get better, only to find that they don't, is a big blow. It sounds like the stress lessened a bit, you took a deep breath and then got winded by your DH's actions - making you clam up even more than before.

Is that fair?

Do you know what, he's put you right down the list of priorities which had left you feeling betrayed and hurt and you've built yourself a little barrier.

We all have to work to pay the bills blah blah blah, but if he's not investing emotionally that's quite devastating.

Firstly he needs to prove himself to you and show how important you and the kids are to him and then you may start feeling more like you used too.

We are women and we cope and you will, no matter what happens!! Chin up duck and demand a little bit more for you and your kids because that's what he works for in the first place , right ???

The odd one-off incident like the ones you mention might be inevitable with self-employment but a series of them? I know this isn't strictly the point here, but he sounds like he's got a very poor grasp of boundaries between family and the business, emotionally but also financially. He shouldn't be shuffling money and assets between the two in this slightly chaotic way. It's a recipe for stress and uncertainty and can complicate things like the tax/legal position as well. I really, really hope that behaviour stops now that things are looking up.

He's behaved like a shit OP. Have you told him how he's made you feel or have you just buried the hurt and gone along with it?

Hi there Harlot.Didnt want to read and run but so feel for you.Have been there. that shut down and numb feeling.its like a bereavement, a sense of loss for that warm lovely feeling you once had.Ours is a long story with a history of DH losing his business in the 90s recession on, building back our financial security only to face redundancy and an unscrupulous business partner in another venture.As a result after nearly 30 years reached a point where although on the surface we seemed fine we were both running on empty, but holding it together for our joint business - as that's what we do now- and our family which was pretty demanding at the time.
I was always pushing to find some time for 'us' as a couple ,not as business partners or parents.DH only seems to care about the bank balance and the number of customers we had and their needs came first every time.Add to the mix an OW that he dealt with work wise who developed an almighty crush on him and he did nothing to discourage,actively arranging lots of chats and sending loads of texts.Well as you can imagine my self esteem, enthusiasm for my marriage and health hit rock bottom.
But what I really want to say is we worked it out.OW was a catalyst I could have done without but it pulled my DH up short as to how much he had taken me for granted.And how much he loved me.And I loved him.Its been incredibly tough to find our way back but with counselling as a couple, and then I got some individually last year because I still felt incredibly resentful under the surface and was putting up barriers again, we are so much happier and that warm glow has come back.
Not suggesting for one moment there's the added complication of another woman on scene.Guess what I'm saying is seek help from RL friends-mine were amazing- and counselling.Talk to your GP.Think I had a low grade depression tbh.Never took medication but came close to it. But above all talk to your DH ,even if he doesn't like what you have to say at first If you have had 20 years of a good strong marriage it's worth fighting for.But I really know how emotionally exhausted you feel.Its hard,hard ,hard but can be worth it.