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Original poster

I'm so angry at exdh for abandoning exMIL

26 replies

CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 15:27

Exmill is adorable, if you can think of the most lovely lady and times it by 100 that's her. She's intelligent, caring, loving, sensible (mostly) and just the bestest.

Exbil cunt hardly ever bothers with her unless he's wanting cash. Always been the same. Had thousands off her and late exfil. Exsil is just as bad.

Exdh is more involved although also gets cash from her. He's been looking after her a lot lately as she's been very very ill. Undiagnosed fractured spine on top of leukemia, angina, and other stuff. She's in hospital and has been for over 3 weeks.

Almost 2 weeks ago exdh went off on holiday with his friend. Friend is rich and pays. I have no problems with that, it's always happened. Exdh gives me no maintenance as he's so poor Hmm yet can always manage to go to football.

What's really angering me is him leaving exMIl. She's almost 90. She's getting weaker by the day, can't eat and keeps throwing up Sad I went to see her last week and it was awful.

DS1 (15) is also very angry at his dad. DS2 is very pro dad so doesn't say much but he's worried about his gran too.

I just want to go into the hospital and carry her out and take her home. I doubt I'll be allowed to? She wants to go home. She was moved to a different hospital for respite but it's awful. It's a big ward that's split with screens. Reminds me of a cattle market. She doesn't like it at all.

She's only got her neighbour visiting and the exsil went in but said exmil can't go there as they have visitors going Angry She'll not worry about that when the fucking will's read!

I used to tell exmil and exfil years ago to spend their cash on themselves for a change, go on a round the world cruise. Anything but give it to exbil and now exdh.

I wish she'd have gone in a nice private nursing home but she didn't fancy that at all. I can understand it. But she's at the end now and last time I spoke to her wasn't quite so adverse to it.

God I'm angry. I have anxiety to start with and this isn't helping one bit.

OP posts:
IvanaHumpalot · 03/12/2012 15:32

Of course she can come home with you. If she wants to and if the Dr says she can. It would be an extremely kind thing to do for her. Much nicer than hospital.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 15:34

Can she? I thought I'd lost all rights when I left and then divorced exdh?

I told him on the phone I wasn't happy and he said he'll see how things are when he's back. Angry

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/12/2012 15:37

she is an adult she can make her own decisions who she stays with.

unless she has dementia etc and other fmaily members have power of attorney and decision making powers for her ?

DontmindifIdo · 03/12/2012 15:37

Yes, if she's mentally well enough to make decisions for herself, she can say she wants to live with you.

And get on to CSA about maintenance from your exH - just because he claims to have no money doesn't mean you should take his word for it...

LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 15:37

She's not a child. Presumably as long as she can make her own decisions she can go with you.

Will you take her to your house or hers? Do you have everything you might need? The time?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 03/12/2012 15:38

She's an adult woman of sound mind, if she wants to leave hospital she can.

NaokHoHoHo · 03/12/2012 15:42

Of course she can, if she's of sound mind she can decide to go anywhere she likes. If she wants to go home with you, the doctor says she's well enough to go, and you're willing to have her, there's no one who can stop her.

Go get her, she sounds lovely and so do you. Poor woman. I bet she'll feel much better in a nice home with someone who cares.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 15:42

I just rang her and she said they won't let her out Sad She's had 2 scans today.

I told her to tell them she wants me to come and get her if she feels she can't bear to stay. She can't eat the food and only fancies beans or poached egg on toast. Said they won't make it for her? I'm going to ring them and see what's going on? I know they get no choice but surely if someone isn't eating they can make an exception?

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 15:44

Is she far away? Can you go, see if she's OK, speak tot he staff, arrange a plan?

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 15:54

Yes she's quite far away and I have no transport until Wednesday as dp works nights. But I'd find a way to get there even if it means taxis, if she rings me and says I want to be out now.

I just spoke to the nurse in charge. She was very sympathetic even when I said I was so fucking angry with her sons Blush She said I don't blame you. She's going to wangle beans on toasts or poached egg for her Smile I mentioned me taking her home and she wasn't so forthcoming,not because it's me but the state exmil's in. I told her how marvelous exmil is just in case she didn't know and she said yes she's a lovely lady. I'll ring tonight and see what's happened re:food?

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 15:54

I actually think I may have said exbil's a cunt Blush Poor nurse.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/12/2012 15:57

Such is the parlous state of NHS geriatric care, the chances are that if you phone to 'see' what's going on, you'll get fobbed off.

Take eggs, bread, and a tin of beans (opened and placed in microwaveable container), go visit exmil and cook her the food she fancies - and maybe buy some M&S individual trifles or similar so she can have a little light dessert afterwards.

When exmil's got some food inside her, ask her if she'd like to stay with you for a few days while you arrange with SS for her to have the care she requires to stay in her own home for as long as possible.

If she wants to stay with you for a while, scoop her up and take her home with you.

LoopsInHoops · 03/12/2012 16:00

If she is very close to the end, a hospice would be much nicer. One near you perhaps?

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:01

SS are involved the nurse just told me. I asked if I can take food in they said no. I said well I'll sneak it in. She said don't worry we'll make sure she gets the toast and beans/egg.

I even asked them if I could take a tin of Baxters soup in for them to warm up and they're not allowed Hmm How sad it that!

She wouldn't want to stay at my house she wants her own bed. I'll take her there as soon as she says it. She sounds so weak Sad

OP posts:
AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 03/12/2012 16:04

Curiousmama you sound lovely, she's very lucky to have you. Go when you can, and try and have a proper discussion with Doctor about a plan from now on. How can people leave their parents when they are so poorly?

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:05

I thought of the hospice and mentioned it to exdh but it's like talking to the wall.

I think he just can't see or doesn't want to see she doesn't have long left. Even ds1 knows it.

DS1 is liable to go crazy at exbil next time he sees him. Which sad as it is to say will most likely be the funeral Sad He never sees him otherwise. I won't be able to go near to him and hope to God he doesn't dare to speak to me.

Fucking families Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:06

No idea how he can leave her. EXbil has his deadline to think about.

She really is adorable. If she was an old hag you could almost understand it.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 03/12/2012 16:06

IME NHS staff are always 'sympathetic' on the phone but they do fuck all very little after the conversations are over.

Whatever 'state' your exmil is in I have no doubt she'd be better off in her own or your home and there's no reason why she shouldn't get appropriate nursing and other care outside of hospital.

Don't be afraid to kick arse make a fuss in order to get your exmil the treatment and the respect she deserves.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:08

I'll ring later and see what Mil says. If exdh rings I won't hold back either. I have been very cool with him when he's rang.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:08

Oh and she's totally with it. Amazing really seen as she hasn't eaten, you'd think she'd be going delirious?

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2012 16:10

Aww, your poor MIL. I am glad she has you to look out for her.

If I ever split with H, I will stay in contact with MIL, I absolutely adore her. I would never expect my H to do what your exH is doing though, he is a wanker.

Original poster
CuriousMama · 03/12/2012 16:11

Dp can't believe it either. He'd never do it to his mum. And dss said they wouldn't to me.

OP posts:
struwelpeter · 03/12/2012 16:13

Talk to Age concern or Help the Aged. I think it is easier administratively for NHS etc for people to stay in hospital so they may fob you off. But as everyone says, even though she is ill and elderly your exMiL still has choices and a voice. Basically if she could walk she could discharge herself and there is nothing they could do about it.

piprabbit · 03/12/2012 17:46

Could you take a flask of soup in for her?

When I was ill in hospital, I didn't want much to eat but I did want to eat little bits of food that were genuinely tasty and refreshing. Gooseberry fools were a favourite and raspberries. Would your DMiL eat a super thin cut egg sandwich (with the crusts cut off?)

Have a look at some of the pots of jelly, rice pudding etc. that don't need chilling. They can sit in her locker for when she fancies a snack and don't mean that you have to do too many visits if you are far away.

It does sound like it would be a fantastic solution if your DMiL could come and stay with you, especially with her grandsons being there. I hope her medical conditions allow that to happen if it is what you all want.

piprabbit · 03/12/2012 17:48

Oh and little cartons of things like apple juice are nice. They can sit on the side until you want one, you don't need to rely on nurses getting water etc., they taste nice and they give you a bit of an energy boost.