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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hot/cold

28 replies

Diego · 08/04/2006 22:15

This board was recommended to me by a friend. hoping to get some answers.

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, she has a child from a previous relationship, I have no kids.

She's so hot and cold I dont know what she see's in it all, at first she was really enthusiastic about me moving in with her but then got cold feet saying that Im no good with money etc. She bases this on the fact that I bought a couple of mobile phones and the new xbox etc but the point is I have no other outgoings as I live with my parents still so why not spend the money I earn if there is nothing else to do with it?

She says my debt puts her off too but to me it just sounds like she's obsessed with money and thats all she cares about.

Then she said I was like her ex and boring, she bases this on the fact that I was playing on my new xbox when she was going on and on about a holiday, Id just spent £350 on it, of course Im going to be pre-ocupied with it but she couldnt see my point and as Ive told her im really not that fussed where we go on holiday.

She also allows her son to climb on me, poke fun at me and basically take the mick taking digs at my weight etc then when I get snappy she says Im being miserable with her son. I cant win.

And now she's getting at me because I left a few DVD's at her house and clothes and she says her house isnt big enough for me to leave stuff there??? but she wanted me to move in before? She also started a huge argument when I simply asked her to iron some trousers for me, she started going on about how she isnt my mother etc, I only asked her to do me a favour!

Is she seeing someone else or is she looking for a way out??

OP posts:

Oblomov · 08/04/2006 22:18

God.
how do you feel ?
Do you feel loved and that you are equal in your relationship ?
How long have you been together ?

emmawill · 08/04/2006 22:54

You spent £350 on an xbox? Sorry will amilt if my dh spent that on a computer game and then played it the whole time I would be a wee bit pissed off. Also why couldn't you iron your own trousers?

I don't think she's seeing someone else, she probaby just needs more attention get off your xbox and give your woman some loving instead

Sorry to be harsh but get in the real world she's got a child and wants some sercuity if you've got lots of debts and blow what money you have on a xbox and then instead of spending time with her your playing that computer game, sorry hun but that piss a lot of women off.

Good luck

BadHair · 08/04/2006 23:02

Sorry Emma, but if he earns his own money, doesn't live with her, and doesn't have a child with her, why shouldn't he spend his own money and play with his Xbox?

If they were living together it would be different, but it sounds like girlfriend wants it all her own way.

But, Diego, if you ARE going to live together you're going to have to deal with the way ds behaves. You don't say how old he is - if he's under 6 I'd say he was just being childlike. My ds1 is 5 and still comments loudly if he sees someone who is fat, thin etc. But I'm teaching him that it's rude to say so. If he's older than 6 you might want to ask your gf to talk to him and explain that it's rude and unacceptable to make jokes about your weight.

Basically, Diego, if you're not happy then find someone else.

emmawill · 08/04/2006 23:21

Yes Badhair I agree but if she's been hurt before then she might want proof that he (Sorry I'm assuming you are a he )is the right person for her and not just a lad who isn't ready to play happy families with her and her kid. I'm happily married to my childrens father but heaven forbid if anything was to go wrong and I found myself single and looking for another man, he would have to be totally ready for us and to commit as I couldn't risk hurting my children.

Also debts are a problem if she's thinking long term she has to think how they might affect her and her child if they move in together and then the baliffs come knocing!

I just think she looking out for her and her child.

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 10:02

She does seem to want everything her own way, I have done loads to change the way I am for her, I dont lie in bed half as long as I used to as she didnt like it, I dont eat as much as she was embarrased by it when we were out , I have tried to budget properly to show her I can but its hard when there is nothing to budget for. We were supposed to be booking a holiday to spain but she went in a huff because I went to buy an xbox game while she was talking to the travel agents (it was a limited edition and they only had 3 left) then as I say she went in a mood because I didnt look at the brochure with her as Id just bought the xbox and in the end she cancelled it altogether saying If I couldnt show any interest she didnt want to go!?

I have changed the way I drive for her as she refused to let me drive with her kid in the car even tho Ive been driving for 7 years, I know what Im doing (shes only been driving for 3!).

Now she's started saying that I show no interest in moving in with her as Ive made no effort to save up, I overheard her talking to a mate on the phone saying "if he thinks he can just walk in here and have a comfy home set up he can forget it" and her friends have told her that Im just looking for an easy way to get out of my parents house as I cant afford a place of my own so now she's got this idea that I can save up before moving in with her and gets annoyed when I dont save anything. I dont see the point in saving for something that might never happen!

Her latest gripe is that I didnt help her fix her computer speakers and just told her to buy new ones, again I didnt see the point in fixing something that is years old when new ones are about £10.

I could be the best bloke in the world and she'd pick fault somehow.

OP posts:

ItalianJob · 09/04/2006 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 10:17

I agree with Italianjob. I would be very wary of a man who had no responsibilities and still living with parents, who left one feathered nest, jsut to move into another one, however nice he was. Sorry.

colditz · 09/04/2006 10:31

women look into the future a lot when they have children.

If you live with your parents, have debts, and blow what money you get on computer games, ask her to iron your clothes when she has a child and a house to look after, leave her to organise a holiday while you buy yourself treats, refuse to save any money for when you move into her house... you are behaving like a teenage boy behaves towards his mother. She can probably picture herself looking after you for the rest of her life, and that idea will not be appealing to her one bit.

That is why she is nagging you, that is why she is bitching at you. You are behaving like a child.

oops · 09/04/2006 10:36

did your GF post here too?
I seem to remember a similar thread from a mumsnetter a little while ago.

I suppose it just sounds like you aren't really wanting the same things at the moment.
maybe you should find a new woman who likes playing with the x box and she fin a new man who like holidays!

and what about the debt? how can you be in debt if, as you say, you have no outgoings?

Why do you think you are still together anyway?

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 11:41

Is it reasonable for her to be asking me to save up money to move into HER house though? What is the point in that? there is nothing that we need to pay out in order to live together so what is there to save up for?

As for the ironing, it was one pair of trousers which she had washed and left to get all creased ontop of the dryer! I asked her why she'd just left them like that and she said she assumed I would iron them when they were dry??!! Surely it wouldnt have hurt her to iron them.

My debts come from loans which I have got in the past, this is another issue with her, she cant understand why I dont pay them off and gets annoyed everytime I buy myself something saying "that could've gone towards paying *** off". I dont see why I should have to justify everything I spend when we dont even live together.

OP posts:

ItalianJob · 09/04/2006 11:44

she probably wants you to save up so she feels confident that you can budget and will have enough to pay your share of bills/food/rent etc when you do move in. why should she iron your clothes? do you ever wash or iron any of her clothes?

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 11:46

No but I would if she asked me to.

OP posts:

anorak · 09/04/2006 11:55

I wouldn't want to live with a man who didn't think there was 'any point' in paying off debts. And I don't see that there is nothing to pay for if you are going to live together. Building a comfortable home takes years of work and if you moved in with her you'd reap the benefit of that.

Just exactly what are you contributing to this relationship? You haven't said anything about love or what you can offer her.

Single mothers don't want to attract freeloaders. They have enough struggles already.

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 12:07

Im not a freeloader, I pay for her nights out at least once a month, I helped her lay her laminate floor and I helped her do her garden last year. All she seems to care about is money, why do you buy this? why do you buy that? how much did that cost? etc etc.

I will contribute finantially when I do move in but at the moment what is it she wants me to save for when she makes it obvious that she doesnt really want me living there anyway? she's just sorted out my dvds and games etc for me to take home as well as the clothes that I have left there...I bought a pretty 'sexual' filn last year and left it there and she's insisting that I take it home then went in a major strop when I said my mum might not be too impressed if she found it!. Its as if she cant stand doing anything for me at all, she cant stand my stuff being around her. She seems to have this idea that all blokes want mothering and she flat out refuses to do anything for me at all, she even whinges about making my tea saying I should be helping her!! (which I do usually but sometimes I just want to relax same as anyone else!) she seems to be some kind of man-hater, terrified of becoming someones 'house-wife'.

She is even adamant that she wont do everything for her son and makes him do housework etc so he doesnt grow up to be the kind of bloke she obviously despises.

Maybe her ex took advantage, I dont know and I understand she doesnt want to be anyones 'slave' but she takes it to the extreme.

OP posts:

anorak · 09/04/2006 12:17

I don't think you have any idea how much work and money it takes to run a family home. You don't sound at all tuned in to your girlfriend's life, needs, problems. So you 'helped her in the garden last year'. Last year? You treat her to a night out once a month!!! Big deal!

Why the hell should she keep your porno film in her house if she doesn't want to?

I think your girlfriend is right not to encourage you to move in. You need to grow up a bit and make your own way in the world before you're going to have much to offer her.

colditz · 09/04/2006 12:17

She does want you living there, but she wants you to prove you can look after yourself first, so she knows she won't end up looking after you. She has a lot to lose here! And you have nothing. If it all goes wrong, and you both end up in debt together, you can move back to your mum's and live as you always have done. She has to carry on putting food on the table for herself and her child, providing a stable background, while trying to clear debt.

Moaning that she doesn't make your tea when you feel like relaxing isn't going to endear you to anyone here, I'm afraid. As for your stuff, she probably feels that if you're not contributing financially to her house, you shouldn't be using it as free storage space. You refer to her fear of becoming a second mother to you as an irrational fear, but given your behavior this scenario seems entirely likely.

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 12:52

Look at it from the other side though, she constantly rips the piss out of me, says Im greedy and laughs when her son calls me "biggie" etc and she even went as far as to record a home video of me ordering a take-away to show to her mates how much I eat! If thats not taking the piss I dont know what is.

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 13:01

Diego - not talking about either love or sex here, but do you actually like each other?

colditz · 09/04/2006 13:02

That is taking the mickey out of you, and it isn't nice. Perhaps you aren't ideally matched.

anorak · 09/04/2006 13:04

I think she's feeling exasperated with you, and it's coming out in this sniping way.

I don't understand why you are together.

Original poster

Diego · 09/04/2006 13:11

she also asks what I want for lunch and if I say a tin of soup she'll say stuff like "do you want a couple of loafs of bread with that?" etc...

I know its because I annoyed her ages ago by buying myself a large take-away when we only had the money in the house for 2 small ones or one large one (hence she went without) but I know that was wrong and I have apologised but she makes out that Im greedy and selfish with food and I dont know if she's trying to force me to change the way I eat by taking the piss and 'shaming' me into changing as she says its embarrasing when we're out etc but I dont see the need for being so bitchy about it.

Thing is she can be great and I do love her but she's completely schitz with her moods, one minute she's laughing, joking playing and the next she suddenly goes quiet and starts on about money etc again.

It really is hard work knowing what to do, what to say or how to act with her.

OP posts:

colditz · 09/04/2006 13:31

Have you talked to her at all about this? I think you should get her to get a babysitter, take her out and sit and talk about the way you feel. She will probably then tell you the way she feels.

TBH, on the occasion you ordered yourself a takeaway and made her go without, you deserved to be called greedy. She shouldn't still be going on about it, but I can see why she is. Your behavior must seem very selfish to a woman who gives up her time to be with you.

Prufrock · 09/04/2006 13:35

oops -I'm with you on this.

"Diego" I think this relationship isn't going to work as you both seem unable to make teh compromises the other wants. Maybe you should give up and each find someone you actually want to be with?

oops · 09/04/2006 19:10

has this kicked off yet

tiredemma · 09/04/2006 19:23

deja vu?

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