No idea what to make of DH's behaviour

[DuffyDuck]

Hello everyone,
I would like some feedback on my Dh's behaviour; I'm not sure at all whether we have a problem or whether I'm overreacting. This is my first post here, and I think I will be rambling!

We have been married now for 4 years, known each other for 10 years. Before getting married, we had an on/off long-distance relationship, and when we got married, DS1 was on his way. Since I have known him, he has never been one to apologise for anything, and since DS1 (and especially after getting pregnant with DS2) there have been quite a few instances that left me bewildered and very upset, none of which has been discussed or resolved after. For example, when I was heavily pregnant for the first time and visiting his parents, I remarked to him how his mother is already talking about the next child which I was not even ready to contemplate. He then gave me the silent treatment, then shouted at me that I should never talk about his mother like this, and finally abandoned me on the last leg of the journey. I was okay, had to take the tube instead of the car, but at seven months it's not nice. When I arrived at home he acted as if everything was fine, and surprised when I burst into tears. Then, with DS about 7 months old and being very clingy, he accused me of being too nervous (which I was). One evening he was holding DS on his lap, and I could see DS chewing on something which I believed to be a pen with a little cap. Thinking DS had somehow bitten of the cap, I let out a squeal and snatched the pen off him (luckily he had not), upon which DH slapped me and then showered me with abuse ("You are outrageous! You are a shocker! You are shocking!") for what felt like minutes, whilst I was already breastfeeding DS, before running out of the house.
When I was pregnant with DS2, and DS1 being way under 2 (I'm a SAHM btw), he would again accuse me of being nervous, and lazy, and useless (he called me a "waste of space"). I am certainly not superwoman, but I tried my best to have DH's life remain as it was before, and ensure that he got his sleep and his social life. I did think though that these special circumstances of pregnancy/giving birth/having a little baby would entitle me to some emotional support. Instances like these have happened frequently over these last 4 years, I used to cry, but I'm not any more.

What really worries me is that whenever we do have a proper talk, which does not happen very often, it feels like its mainly about what I am doing wrong, a one-way conversation. What I'd like to know: Does "moaning" and "whingeing" (which I was also accused of ) warrant such reactions? How can I get over my really huge feeling of resentment? How can I "behave" better without feeling that I need to tailor every response to his taste?

i can only say 'its him' not you.

he's in control, and it's not normal.

He sounds dreadful.

I think you have a huge problem. You're sharing your life with a man who has no respect for you and treats you in a way that is emotionally abuse and is destroying your confidence.

You shouldn't be changing your behaviour to make him happy- you should make him happy just by being you. He shouldn't speak to you in a an abusive manner, you shouldn't be scared of him. This is so so wrong.

Do you have support from friends or family? What is his behaviour like in front of them? Do they know what he's like with you at home?

He is emotionally and physically abusive. You shouldn't be running around trying to make his life just as it was before you had a baby - you're both parents now.

He slapped you while you were breast-feeding?!

Rather than thinking about how you can be what he wants, you'd be better thinking of how you can get the hell out of this abusive situation.

Red flags. Right there. Everywhere.

He slapped you. That would be enough for me to call it quits.

No idea what to make of DH's behaviour

Sadly, I think you know exactly what to make of it. The question is -what will you choose to do now?

Contact Women's Aid and get rid of him.

Hello,

thank you for your answers! And thank you ohfunnyface - that's what I keep thinking. Family (parents, really) live abroad, and friends are scattered everywhere, but I have made new friends with other mums. I don't want to mention these issues though when the little ones are around. A close friend recommended using relate

Relate are no use where there's an abuser.

this is so sad to read. you are in a seriously abusive relationship and need ti get out of it for the sake of yourself and your dc. you do not need ti behave better, you should b free to live as yourself with no fear. he has already numbed you 'i used to cry' . this is so upsetting . please ring women's aid asap.

He has threatened me with divorce already when I was tired and grumpy. But it's easier said than done, especially with two DCs.

No, sadly it won't be difficult for him at all. You need to ensure you have finances in order and a solicitors advice in case he suddenly does just that. Protect your assets!

You and your dcs are not in a safe environment if you stay with him.

If he will not or cannot change, neither you nor the children should be in this relationship, for the sake of your emotional and physical well being.

On the other hand, you do everything for the dc, don't you? If you've been trying so hard that he doesn't lose sleep or social life. So what do you lose in input if he wasn't there?

If he wasn't around, you wouldn't spend your life worrying about keeping him sweet and dancing for him, you'd be a stable loving mummy, you'd be able to show your emotions and not waste your emotional energy on a man who verbally abuses you and slaps you.

You'd decide what you do, how to spend your money, energy & time. If it's finances, there are ways and means and he would still be expected to provide for his dc.

Yes, dequoisagitil, I must admit I have been thinking the same. But the finances are part of the problem; I am a SAHM not only out of choice, but also because my salary would just about cover childcare costs. I am on red alert though and researching the job market, and I have started studying towards a higher qualification as well.

Are you foreign, OP?

You sound lovely and well-rounded. Your husband sound really unpleasant.

Thank you! Yes, I'm from "the continent"

dequoisagitil is totally right- he is not giving you anything that helps in your life.

Do you think you are ready to think about an 'escape plan'? It sounds like you're thinking that way?

DuffyDuck - Thought so. Is he the same nationality as you? I ask because I've observed continental couple are more traditional (and often incredibly sexist ) compared with UK couples.

If you break up here, you will get a lot of help as a SAHM parent.

Are you Polish?

No, I'm not Polish, I'm German but spent so much time in the UK that I'm thinking about naturalisation

Have a look at what benefits & tax credits you might be entitled to as a lone parent. And as you're married you'd have a claim on any assets. You might find you'd be able to manage.

Divorce could well be more painful for him financially than for you, if you have good legal representation.

While your dc are very young, it would actually be quite good to get rid before they learn damaging relationship lessons - although practically I know their ages make it hard to work/study. But there are sometimes childcare provisions that you may be able to access if you're studying with a university.

Have a look at all the resources available to you. Knowledge is power.

If you think you can do so without him finding out, I would see a solicitor. You should be able to get a free 30min session to get some advice. Do you know about DH's finances? There are plenty of people on MN who can help with various things if you post in the right topic headers. If you want help or advice on finances for example I would post separately about that, ditto legal advice and so on. If you post in the right topic section the people working in those areas usually pop up and give straight forward advice, it seems!
Good luck.

Duffy am really sorry that you've been going through this and almost more sorry that you felt it might be in some way 'justifiable'. .

From the way you describe the few chats you've had, he has absolutely no intersects in your feelings or being a good husband. In all honesty, He sounds like an entitled arrogant bully

Your H is abusive and he will get worse. As the DC get older he will find more and more things to criticise and you will start to make decisions based on your anticipation of the route of least fighting rather than what you believe is right. These decisions will also be judged as wrong and you will be emotionally, verbally and physically abused for it.

Honest to god, I'm not a big fan of LTB but I cannot see this improving.

and for you.

Thank you, dequoisagitil. I will look into the matter along with my job market research; currently I'm studying part-time with the OU for a postgraduate qualification, and am doing my studying when the DCs are in bed. I must admit however that I would dread divorce proceedings, as I'm not sure if DH would make things terribly hard fir everyone. Last year around this time he scared me so much (clutching DS1, shouting at me to "go away" and locking himself with DS1 into the lounge after I made a tart remark) that I travelled with DCs to my parents - not knowing that I was not allowed to do that legally! DH knew exactly where we were, did not phone, however, but opened a twitter account to dwell on the "love of a father" and how he missed his DCs (not a word about me). He recently told me that he "seriously thought about reporting me". Things like that make me think an amicable separation is impossible.