No idea what to make of DH's behaviour

[DuffyDuck]

Hello everyone,
I would like some feedback on my Dh's behaviour; I'm not sure at all whether we have a problem or whether I'm overreacting. This is my first post here, and I think I will be rambling!

We have been married now for 4 years, known each other for 10 years. Before getting married, we had an on/off long-distance relationship, and when we got married, DS1 was on his way. Since I have known him, he has never been one to apologise for anything, and since DS1 (and especially after getting pregnant with DS2) there have been quite a few instances that left me bewildered and very upset, none of which has been discussed or resolved after. For example, when I was heavily pregnant for the first time and visiting his parents, I remarked to him how his mother is already talking about the next child which I was not even ready to contemplate. He then gave me the silent treatment, then shouted at me that I should never talk about his mother like this, and finally abandoned me on the last leg of the journey. I was okay, had to take the tube instead of the car, but at seven months it's not nice. When I arrived at home he acted as if everything was fine, and surprised when I burst into tears. Then, with DS about 7 months old and being very clingy, he accused me of being too nervous (which I was). One evening he was holding DS on his lap, and I could see DS chewing on something which I believed to be a pen with a little cap. Thinking DS had somehow bitten of the cap, I let out a squeal and snatched the pen off him (luckily he had not), upon which DH slapped me and then showered me with abuse ("You are outrageous! You are a shocker! You are shocking!") for what felt like minutes, whilst I was already breastfeeding DS, before running out of the house.
When I was pregnant with DS2, and DS1 being way under 2 (I'm a SAHM btw), he would again accuse me of being nervous, and lazy, and useless (he called me a "waste of space"). I am certainly not superwoman, but I tried my best to have DH's life remain as it was before, and ensure that he got his sleep and his social life. I did think though that these special circumstances of pregnancy/giving birth/having a little baby would entitle me to some emotional support. Instances like these have happened frequently over these last 4 years, I used to cry, but I'm not any more.

What really worries me is that whenever we do have a proper talk, which does not happen very often, it feels like its mainly about what I am doing wrong, a one-way conversation. What I'd like to know: Does "moaning" and "whingeing" (which I was also accused of ) warrant such reactions? How can I get over my really huge feeling of resentment? How can I "behave" better without feeling that I need to tailor every response to his taste?

I actually think if you divorced it sounds as though you would get a hell of a lot more free time - imagine having every other weekend free!
Not saying you must leave him, it's your decision, but I think the thought of being a single mum can be daunting, when (if you are lucky and ex is around wanting to see kids) actually you will more likely find less housework to do without him and he will actually have to look after the kids!

Yes, he sounds like an arse.
I'd be heading to the door, but make sure you are at full strength first and have a good idea of what a solicitor thinks the outcome would be so you are prepared for your future finances. There is another thread at the moment about the need for women to keep up with the workplace in case of divorce as so many women are financially dependent on men. You are doing well with the OU course and that will stand you in good stead for a job afterwards, but don't be too overly optimistic about what finances will be split in the divorce, as many women on that thread were shocked at an uneven/unfair split in recent years.
If you have your own financial means, I would secure it in your own account and not mention it to him.

While you're at it, look into whether you can move back home with the dc (if you want to). If your information comes through him, it may be complete bollocks. If he hits you or slaps you again, report him to the police or get it recorded with your GP - you may not want to go to the police, but if the DV is on file it will help you.

Have a chat with the CAB - look for a free half-hour with family law solicitor - and check out the 'entitled to' website and CSA website.

He will make it hard to split, this is a given.

But you have a good chance that your little dc won't remember this crap time further down the line, if you get out now. An amicable split may be impossible, but the life you're living now is wrong, untenable and will teach your dc bad things about relationships for their futures. Staying doesn't make the horrible less horrible.

actually, as you are the DCs mum, you are perfectly entitled to go abroad for up to 30 days without anyones permission, so he is talking bollocks.

Yes, stuffing that's what I was thinking; my secret plan is - even if there should be no separation/divorce - to establish independent finances, just in case. There could also be problems of who leaves; if hypothetically he refused to leave and/or divorce, then what? I think I can bide my time a little bit, also because I don't see him very much. He works long hours, and weekends are busy (intimacy is almost completely gone btw)

I think the slapping and emotional abuse count as abuse which you can divorce for (as well as adultery if I remember rightly), and therefore don't think he has a right to refuse? Long time since I needed any of this info though so sure someone else can post more?
Does he have any debts? That is another thing to consider as they may be partly yours now, and that may change finances for you.
Keep strong, it sounds as though you are planning well and keeping something for your own future, with or without him

You mention the word nervous quite a lot and so does he.
Your partner shouldn't make you feel nervous or mock you for being so.
He sounds really horrible. What do your instincts tell you to do?

No adultery (as far as I know!), and with the abuse - it would be his word against mine. He has some debts and we have quite a substantial mortgage, but no risk of negative equity. With regard to the travelling abroad thing - they did tell me off at the airport and nearly sent me back home. It did not help either that my Dcs look quite different from me, and when asked "Is this your mummy?" looked blankly at the border personnel. . .

He calls it anxious and says it's a character trait / flaw of mine. I think it's a reaction to him. I'm not sure about my instincts at the moment, since there are so many emotions involved and foremost the hope that everything will somehow right itself (when the children are a little older, when I'm earning as well, when he is less stressed etc), which is why I really appreciate this commin sense input! I can see problems further diwn the line when the DCs start challenging him. . .

...sorry lots of typos...