Sisters....

[Twiggy71]

My background I come from a family of 4 dsisters we are all in our 40's now two live abroad and myself and another sister live still where we were born.

I am the youngest ds and the two middle ds live abroad my eldest ds lives at home.

I have always had a difficult relationship with eldest ds from when we were young this ds bullied us all.

One ds who moved abroad when they were very young because they shared a bedroom with this ds and they were only allowed a single bed in the room with all her things stored underneath it (they shared a room)..

Eldest ds has always been hard work in the family and the one where my Mum always was trying to keep her sweet/happy etc.

She rang me up crying once when I had cancelled a trip to the cinema once (my child was sick) saying I had cancelled on purpose just to annoy her and how I was always doing these sorts of things.

Fast forward to 4 years ago when my exh walked out on me we were together 19 years and married for 16 years with 2 dc together.

I was devastated and thought my world had ended and didn't think I would be able to cope with everything. I also have a history of depression and fear my own mind terribly and what its capable of.

My eldest ds complained so much about me not asking about how she had gotten on at a hospital app, that my Mum was going to fall out with me over it.

This is about 2 days after my exh walked out on me and I had no one else really here that I could talk to.

Well everything just blew in my mind that my ds was trying to exclude my family from me at such a hard time that I told my dm and df that if I had to keep putting my ds in front of myself and my dc for the rest of my life then I was finished with them all..

She sounds like hard work I am asuming a further post will come?

Fast forward again to now I had asked all my ds opinions on how I was thinking of doing something to improve my life.
My two ds who live abroad replied with lots of encouragement my eldest ds read every message I wrote (it was on Facebook and I can see when someone is reading).
Her only message was she was fed up with Facebook that day blah blah blah.

So being pissed off I wrote that I shouldn't have seeked validation from others....
She then replys to this how sick she has been and how tired she is..
I know I did wrong writing that last message but before I could apologise she wrote an open message to my other ds that she felt she couldn't write anymore joint messages after what I had done to her.....

I know we aren't 10 but should I just give her a wide berth for my parents sake or give up trying to keep her happy forever...

Please help I have cried tons over this.....

yes your right Frikadellen I was scared my post was going to disappear..

Has she said anything to you in real life or this latest upset all in Arab land? If so block her, tell her and your parents that you are doing it to avoid upsets.

Has she a life of her own or is she living it via other people?

My beautiful, brilliant, funny and amazing sister died after a long battle with cancer when she was just 23. It was 15 years ago but feels like yesterday. I'd give anything in the world to have her back. Don't let these relatively petty (sorry, but true) things spoil what should be the most fantastic and close relationships of your life. Sisters are a blessing. You are lucky. More than lucky.

Arab land... I don't mean Arab, I mean Facebook land.

I don't know how that happened.

I sympathise. Everytime I spend any proper amount of time with my sister I thank my lucky stars we can choose our friends!

I think you should try the wide birth route for a set amount of time. Say 3 months? Don't include her on facebook messages, just you other sisters.

When you run into her just ask how she is and smile and nod.

With my own difficult sister I try to keep in mind I can't change what other people are/do. I can change my own reaction to them. Sometimes that is easier than others but I contnue to try.

After 3 months review the situation, are thigns any better and decide whether you can go on or not.

They're only a blessing if they are lovely, Squirrels. Can't you see that this sister isn't a blessing?

I'm so sorry your sister died, but you really can't judge every relationship in the same way. It's like saying every wife is lucky to be married - some are, some aren't.

My sister has been similarly hard work for almost my whole life. (she's slightly younger than me.). I've been scared of her and trod on eggshells around her oversensitivity and neediness for years and years and years. 3 years ago now I had it out with her (by email) and told her I didn't like her behaviour and wasn't going to engage with it. Yes, she was very upset, she reacted badly and things are extremely frosty between us now (I still see her so she can see my DC, but I hang back and don't say much) but I'm free of all that shit, finally. There's nothing she can do. All that time, she was controlling me because I let her, because I was scared of her reactions and of upsetting her.

I am so much happier now and dont spend hours bending my poor dp's and friends' ears about what a pita she is. Its great!

The thing is you are still letting her get to you - stop. Don't have her on your Facebook. Don't bother with her. If she's upset, tell her her behaviour isn't on and you aren't rising to it any more. Just be calm, straightforward and firm - no drama. People behave like this because they can, because you are supposed to endure family. But sometimes enough is enough and you have to put yourself first. I think with me it was having my own dc that brought me to that point - they really need my time and attention, not her, and I need to reduce my own stress levels.

Before I took that step, I was terrified to do it, but now it's done, i see I should have done it years ago.

Squirrels, I agree with Imperial. It's very sad when you lose a sibling that you were close to but your post isn't very helpful. The OP is asking for advice, not someone dismissing her feelings about her difficult sister because she's lucky to still have one.

OP I also second Treads post. I think you need to try and detach from her, she sounds toxic.

Thanks everyone I was scared to look at my messages in case it was me being a biatch...

It definitely is a relationship where I am always walking on shells and I am so tired of it.

Last year this same ds fell out with one of my ds from abroad (over a dishwasher of all things). My ds went home very upset and not understanding what she had done (she hadn't done anything to be honest my other ds gets very jealous when my ds visit from abroad).
Though this same ds said she thought I should just apologise and get it over with. She did this even though she hadn't done anything wrong..

But I don't want to do this as I feel I will be enabling my ds and going backwards instead of forwards....

I definitely will be avoiding her though will have to spend xmas day with her, its gonna be an icy day and not just frost wise..

Sisters aren't all a blessing. Life ain't that neat, unfortunately.

I am really sorry for you, OP.

Squirrels I'm sure people like me and the op would love to have wonderful close relationships with their siblings. I'm sorry about your loss but posts like your are doubly unhelpful - they make people feel bad for asking for advice and support with difficult family members, and they remind us of what we haven't got. If your family relationships have been happy and functional, that's great, I don't begrudge you that at all but it does mean you can't understand what it's like to have to deal with appalling behaviour from siblings and be expected to keep tolerating it because they are family.

Just because she is your sister doesn't mean she gets to behave like that. You wouldn't put up with it from a friend.

Ignore her post on fb, and delete her comment. Don't rise to it.

Call your other sisters individually on skype to say thanks for the positive input and mention your other sis, but not to make trouble, just so they know and might also have some input which makes you feel better.

If your parents worry you don't get along, just say no, but you will survive:)

They can't make you get on, if getting on means you have to put up with this type of stuff. But you can be civil, not asking her for advice and help, as she still lives at home may be a bit jealous of you and your dc, if you don't provide ammunition, she can't fire, iykwim. She is still family, so you can't really cut her, but you an limit her info, plus you can control how you react, and how you choose to feel.

I have 2 sisters, one older, one younger, we get on great, care for each other deeply, my older sister needs a babysitter, then I'd be there.

The reason we get along so well, we dont intrude in on each others lives, we get on, mum doesnt play favourite, and 2 of us are grown adults, we know how to behave.

Squirrell's, I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, and I'm sure your sister was every bit as lovely as you say she is. However, you have NO right to come on here and try to guilt trip OP into ignoring her very valid feelings about a very unpleasant person who is making her deeply unhappy. No right whatsoever.

My ds is married with her own child but its like she got stuck somewhere in her teenage years (or so my counselor thought) where she is still seeking her parents constant attention.

Its great to hear how others feel and I am just not being mean.

And its true you can pick your friends but not your family.....

Twiggy71, your not being mean, she picking fights over stupid things, i change my plans for my DC, if she needs me. Your sister should have understood that being a parent herself, instead of making it about her, dont give her opportunities to intrude on your life, i would never dream of judging my sister over her choices in life, dont give her the ammo to do the same.

Twiggy71 hope you can put out of your mind this unpleasantness and focus on your own DCs and your sisters who are supportive. Sisters are often a blessing, some are more than others. Perhaps at the root of all this, your eldest Dsis wishes she'd been an only child and had your mum all to herself. As a parent you will know yourself how much sticking together as a family means, in this case your parents probably won't relish any arguing and won't come right out on one side or the other. Eldest Dsis has evidently her own baggage to carry and I personally wouldn't bend over to keep the peace, just stay civil at a distance.

ILikeSquirrels you miss your lovely sister so much of course you would view all this from another angle, sorry for your loss.

OP I have a mean sister too. And Squirrels she is dying and I do not in any way wish for more time with her. I am sorry for your loss but don't you see how lucky you are that you had such a happy relationship? OP has never had that, just years of being bullied. It is nothing to be grateful for.

Like Lavender says, ignore, hook up with your other sisters. I also try not to bitch to anyone in the family because it adds pressure, everyone has their own relationships and I used to hate it when one of my sibs moaned a lot about another one. The odd conversation with a good friend, a good moan in here or, if you can access it, counselling for yourself. These are safer ways to go.

Oh I just read your post about getting counselling, good for you. I guess we don't know why your sister is such a pain but we do know she isn't likely to change and that you need to be away from her both in RL and on FB

Oh God I hate the my ...... died so you should let your ..... walk all over you and shit on you. My Mother has died she was a cow, I treated her as her disposition dictated. My Husband has died and he was and Angel I treated him accordingly. Personally my unconditional love is only for children and animals, everyone else gets the love/attention that is their deserts. Which is probably why I find this board weirdly fascinating and shouldn't post.

Treadonthecracks the ironic thing is in my family I am the one with the history of depression, but my ds is the one who always seems quite unstable so needs protected ( or so my family seem to think).

I think as in being the youngest I have taken on the role of being the one to not rock the boat. When I was young I could see the problems my dm was having with my ds so I never wanted to do anything that would annoy her or give her extra worry.

raspberryroop I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to children and animals, I work with children and I am a big animal lover. To be honest I think I will end up an old lady living on my own with a lot of animals.

Twiggy - you don't have to be 'aggressively' rude to her - just detach and deal with her like a child - I have lost of fun using my 'reasonable' voice with those that are the most unreasonable .