to mothers of teenage girls....

[SobaSoma]

Mine is 13 next month and has turned overnight from a sweet child into a self-obsessed, sullen cow who wants to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with her friends. I'm finding it hard to gauge what's reasonable/unreasonable and would welcome input from those who have been there (or still are heaven help us!)

How many sleepovers do you allow them with friends and do you limit their phone/Skype/online usage? (mine has her phone permanently in her hand). Do you ever get to spend any quality time with them - I have to cajole mine into doing anything with me and this is a child who wanted to sleep with me every night until about 6 months ago. I know the way she's changing is normal but that she of course still needs boundaries. How do I try to enforce these without being confrontational?

I have boys but I always work on the theory that sleepovers, whilst irritating and bugger up your weekend, allow you to keep a close eye on your child and their friendships. I'd rather they were sleeping in my house where I know what they are doing, than somewhere else, perhaps with parents who don't have the same strict boundaries I have.

I guess, I can't be that bad, coz they all want to sleep over here

I agree with Ophelia. My dd is 12 and has been like this for about a year, since shortly after starting high school.

I try to bargain with her for family time and often allow one of her friends to join us on trips out or social events. I choose any battles wisely and don't worry too much about how much actual time she spends with friends, more like what they are doing in that time, iyswim?

i'm hoping it will pass eventually

Not calling her- or even thinking of her as a sullen cow might be a good place to start.......

Thanks Ophelia I agree. But I should have said sleepovers at other people's houses. She goes to one girl in particular who I haven't really taken to...

I know it sounds harsh Seeker and I love her to bits, but she does behave like a sullen cow sometimes although I'd never say it to her.

I am in precisely the same position as you, Soba, so have no answers, my dd is the same age,has also become obsessed with friends, seems unhealthily keen on being 'popular' as opposed to having any sort of quality control about the people she wants to be friends with (some girls that seem not to have been brought up with the same expectations of good behaviour as she has ) and is desperate to be orange/have caterpillar brows/be generally TOWIE-esque.

I am clinging onto the belief that this is just her learning the kind of friends that are worth trusting and those who aren't, trying to trust in my faith in her being a lovely girl at heart and having been brought up with love and boundaries because I can't see that me haranguing her would be productive, despite it being what I'd really like to do. I'm attempting to exercise judicious discipline.

I'm very interested to see what more experienced parents of teenage daughters have to say.

I have a 15 year old DD .
She is self obsessed , spends all her time on her phone or in her room , so I think that's normal .
She will chat to me nicely , if it's just the 2 of us ( picking her up from dance lessons etc )
I don't allow sleepovers in term time , the only exception is birthdays .
Luckily , I like the girls she goes on sleepovers with .

I think you have to accept that during the teenage years for most kids their friends will be more important to them than their family and will also be their major influence. Pick your battles wisely!

DD's phone is with Vodafone and has the option to restrict phone use. You can set usage times for specific contacts or for everyone, for messages, emails and browsing. It's very flexible and password protected. It's called My Guardian.

We also use timesupkidz to restrict computer usage. Them's the rules and there's no discussion on it. What we did do was trial it for 30 days and then had a discussion with DC about if there was anything we could change and incorporated her suggestions . We started off with a blanket 2 hours a day but have now changed it to unlimited at the weekends but with an enforced 1 hour break every hour.

Part of being a teenager is to challenge the parents so there'll always be conflict, whatever you do and however reasonable you're being. The trick is to pick your battles but also make sure there's something for them to kick back on to satisfy that need in their development.

Don't know about spending quality time with her though. Maybe you'll need to change your expectations about how that time is spent as you will have different ideas on what quality time is. Have you spoken to DD about it during a nice moment? DD's quietest time is at bedtime and we can have quite good conversations then. She'll still need her mum, however stroppy she is being. Someone on here said have lots of cuddles when you're not arguing.

Good luck!

my just 13 is extremely difficult, very strong head on her. but then, i get flashes of her being lovely, when i do get time with her, which isnt often. i must come down like a ton of bricks on her though to keep her in check. re computer/internet use.

i remember at that age saying i preferred school to home

Make sure you speak to, and have the contact details of all her friends' parents.

No sleepovers on school nights.

Confirm, with the parents, that there will be a responsible adult in the house where the sleepover is taking place.

Set rules about text contact and keeping mobiles topped up, if not on a contract.

Advise that failure to stick to rules about "checking in" and replying to texts will result in confiscation of phone.

Agree the rules and boundaries now, not in a dictatorial way, but have a proper conversation when everyone is calm, agree consequences and stick to them.

I have a 24 yr old, a 21 yr old and a 14 yr old. I have seen and heard EVERYTHING.

(For example, when texting a 17 yr old at midnight to enquire as to their whereabouts, the appropriate reply is not "buyin a kebab", the correct response is a geographical location and an ETA).

It's difficult, but you have to make your house the house of preference. You normally find they gravitate to one particular place - usually because one will have a big bedroom, or all the latest gadgets, or the parents are free with crisps and snack foods!

I think having sleepovers at yours is a good idea. It helps to keep up with what's going on. A friend of mine always let her DC's friends stay round after nights out in town as she picked up a lot of what had gone on the night before from the chat over breakfast. I made a mental note to do the same when DC are at that stage.

Yes - make her friends welcome, in spite of the mess/noise. You will get to know them and they are more likely to hang out at your house.

We had a rule that no-one was ever left to get the night bus or tube alone. So my living room was frequently strewn with sleeping teenagers, but they were safe, they all knew they could come to our house if they were ever stuck. (We are near the end of the tube line).

MsArse :) what a lovely post, you sound like a wonderful mother. Your comment about allowing them to find the right sort of friends is very wise and I do have faith in DD's judgement so I'll let her make her own choices. She's desperate to watch TOWIE btw ("all my friends do") but that's a step too far! Tourist I think I might limit the amount of sleepovers after tonight (she's going on one needless to say) as I don't think every weekend is reasonable -
might suggest once a month.

With regard to phones, do yours use them constantly whilst they're with you, watching TV for example? I've become allergic to the sound of her tapping away on her Blackberry, seems a bit rude to me..

no phones at meal times, is the rule. generally tv watching with us is not really done any more

My DD is 13 1/2 and has got more and more teenagery since about half a term into Y7. It all sounds very normal!

Initially she was texting ALL the time, but now as she has an ipod touch and laptop, FB has taken over. She spends nearly all her home-time in her room "doing her homework" with her music and FB and really only spends time with us at mealtimes or in the car on the way to her clubs/social events/sleepovers, etc, or when she chooses to come down to have a chat - ususally lateish at night! Or when I take her out for a cake and coffee

DD probably does sleepovers about once every three weeks (only on a Saturday night due to sports committments), more in the holidays. She has a lovely group of friends, so no worries there ATM.

Chic thanks for the tips, very useful and also for suggesting I look at my expectations. Frogs I will have a think about what is reasonable and then have a calm chat with her later. Wish me luck....

Tilly she sounds exactly like my DD. All your posts are very helpful, I think maybe I have some re-adjusting to do and then things will be smoother.

Watvhing this thread with great interest. I am terrified of the next 10 or so years! DD1 is only 9 but the teenage years are coming... and I remember what a complete and utter bitch I was to my own DMum.

I would really recommend encouraging sports clubs, scouts, hobbies etc because it does keep them out of trouble, and they meet friends out of school. This can be a godsend if friendships in school go a bit awry.

Dd has had some brilliant times with scouts, and has a really nice group of friends there.

I have two DDs aged 21 and 17. Haven't had this kind of trouble with the 17 year old who seemed to be born with a 30 year old head on her shoulders but, oh boy, it sounds just like DD1!

With regard to the phone, I put her on contract at 13 and started giving her a monthly allowance out of which she had to pay her phone. Spending so much time on it meant some huge bills, which she couldn't pay, obviously, so money was lent on the understanding that it was paid back. She had to take weekend jobs/holiday jobs and had to work her sweet ass off to pay us back! She soon learnt to use her phone responsibly. Sleepovers I gave in to at weekend only, not on school nights and we didn't see much of her at weekends for a couple of years it's true.

The upside? She's now 21 and at uni. I was skyping with her last night and she's so looking forward to coming home for Christmas and actually said, "you know, I'm so lucky to be able to count you amongst my best friends, not just a wonderful mother". Hang in there, OP, it does get better if you're firm but loving and keep the faith!

If you have not taken to this one friend, I would suggest that your daughter invites her to your house. You can't stop her seeing her, but you can make sure that they are in an environment you feel is safe.
There is also the one surefire way of ensuring that teenage girls will throw their arm about you and say they love you and want to spend time with you - take them clothes shopping and buy them chocolate cake while you are out :)
Never been known to fail.

Love your tips threelittlefrogs

DD (and DS!) is on a PAYG tarriff - £5 for unlimited texts each month. She never calls anyone other than me in an absolute emergency. It works really well! There is obviously no data access on it, but given the amount of time she spends on the internet in her room....

Also, she comes with us on our family days/nights out (these usually involve other families) and is always an absolute angel, And as arthritic says, shopping days are also a great time for us to spend quality time (and money!) together!

Re TOWIE, DD started watching all that crap in Y8. Initially I watched with her and then realised I was getting hooked too and made appropriately pejorative comments about the fake tans, blingy life-styles, etc. She still watches, but has shown no desire to turn orange. Yet

Soba, I'm an entirely average mother but I do remember my own mum harping on endlessly about me choosing to spend all my time in my own room away from the family, about me disappearing off and being 'antisocial' when her friends visited and how frustrating I found it when she assumed that if I was out late or spending time with boys, I must be shagging my way around the town and doing drugs, when in reality I was stopping fumbling teenage boys from fondling my tits, losing my virginity at 19 with a boy who loved me and thinking people who were high were hugely irritating.
I found her lack of faith in me and the standards that my parents' had worked hard to instil really very offensive so I'm attempting to learn from those experiences when dealing with my own teenagers, they know absolutely the standards of behaviour I expect from them.
In my experience being a parent is a constant stream of new challenges, and to think I was convinced that it'd get easier - arf.